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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do?

60 replies

rham · 14/12/2019 10:30

I've just found this site and just signed up.

I'm 16 and I've got a 3 month old daughter. Her dad is the same age. I wasn't in a relationship with him. Social services are involved and they don't seem to be helping I'm trying my best but they keep judging. I try and do little jobs for people I know to earn a bit of money but yesterday the social worker was saying how the washing up wasn't done etc.

Her dad is saying he's going to get custody of her. And he probably will. As he has an apprenticeship and his dad is helping him. Although he seems uninterested in her and he used to be violent (not sure if he still is).

Can I have some advice please?

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 14/12/2019 12:58

Custody not sucrose😊

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 13:22

He said he doesn't want to see her incase someone sees him who he knows and they'll know he's the dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 14:03

I think hes been saying he'll get custody is because when I was pregnant he was saying that we could be a family if I was his girlfriend. So I lied to him. But he is probably annoyed that I lied to him and said I didn't want to be with him.

OP posts:
Beebumble2 · 14/12/2019 14:29

Please follow the great advice given here. Keep coming back to ask questions, run things by and get more advice.
Ignore the washing up comment, who doesn’t have washing up to do?
Do keep a diary of contact from father, but block him as much as possible. Also record visits from SS and anything said, both positive and negative.
You can do this and bring up a lovely child.

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 14:44

I will take the advice. I didnt want him to be involved but he does but doesn't want me to be with him. So not sure what to do

OP posts:
formerbabe · 14/12/2019 14:49

He said he doesn't want to see her incase someone sees him who he knows and they'll know he's the dad

Very unlikely he wants custody then.

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 15:02

If he had full custody he probably wouldn't care but he doesn't want to be seen with me or dd now when he doesn't have full custody.

OP posts:
JonSlow · 14/12/2019 15:09

Has he ever seen your daughter?

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 15:23

Yes he's seen her about 3 times. He saw her when she was a few days old when he visited with my other friends but he just went along with everything they said when they said they support me etc he just was like yeah whatever. Then he saw her again when we met up because he wanted to and said he knew he was the dad. And then again a few weeks ago when I asked him to give me some money for some nappies.

But I don't know if i should offer to meet up with him or if I should leave him.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 14/12/2019 15:33

I highly doubt he will go for custody...lots of men threaten this but they don't really want it.

I'm no legal expert but I can't imagine a court removing a three month old baby from its mother and handing it over to a 16 year old boy who has seen her three times in three months.

If I was you I'd cooperate fully with ss and prove you have your babies best interests at heart.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 14/12/2019 15:37

Is there a Children's Centre near you? (They are sometimes called Sure Start centres, and sometimes run by organisations like Banardos.) There's fewer of them about as the Government has closed some down. But most towns have at least 1.

If so, would seriously recommend going along and asking if you can have a chat with one of the staff. I was really struggling with parenthood with my son was 18 months or so and they gave me a lot of practical advice, got me on a parenting course and really helped me turn things around. Have a fantastic relationship with my boy now and am a much better parent.

As some of the other folks on here has said, it is very tough sometimes and lots of us struggle. But you are doing the right thing reaching out to people on here.

You can do this. Smile

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 15:52

I'm not sure if I have one near.

He's messaged saying that he won't go for custody yet but he's told me not to tell anyone because everyone will be angry at him and he said he will be in trouble with the police because I turned 15 in the August and he turned 16 In the December a few days before dd was conceived.

OP posts:
thetreeisstressingmeout · 14/12/2019 16:10

You don't need this drama.

Stop worrying about him

Contact the child support people- you can phone or use the website. You don't have to inform him about doing this.

As tough as this sounds you have to be the adult now. Your are the adult in your daughters life.

Dealing with boys is not your priority even if he is the dad.

Focus your attention where SS want you to, your child and your future together not this boy.

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 16:14

Would I be able to get child support from him if he isn't on the birth certificate?

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 14/12/2019 16:27

Yes. They may do a dna test (which he will be charged for once it is proved that He is the dad).

But it doesn’t matter that he isn’t on the birth certificate- you couldn’t have out his name on without him anyway.

june2007 · 14/12/2019 16:28

child maintanace is not dependent on being on the birth certificate but obviously you have to be honest. He will not get custody if he is unwilling to admit that he is the dad. You both sound like teanagers to be honest. I think you both need to work out a system where if he is to be involved he has regular financial commitment. and regular contact. Talk to to the sw about it she will give advice, The violence think depends n what you mean. Is it a case of stuipid teacnage fight, or is it an actual aggressive streak which could put you and baby in danger.? That won,t necessarily stop contact but may mean it has to be supervised at least until he has been deemed to be save.

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 16:45

He has an aggressive steak but he said he's trying to be a good person.

OP posts:
HerRoyalFattyness · 14/12/2019 16:58

You sound like you just want the best for your DD.

As others have said, engage fully with SS.
Proactively ask them what help and support they can provide you with.
As for the babies dad, he is just spouting off. If he hasn't been that involved and doesn't want people to know now that he's her dad, he doesn't want custody. He's just trying to drag you down.

Yes, ask SS to help you put in a claim to CMS. It won't matter that he isn't on the birth certificate. They'll do a DNA test, which he will have to pay for after it proves he's the father, and you can't get into any trouble because he would have to have been there if he was to be put on the birth certificate.

aHintOfPercy · 14/12/2019 17:05

You sound like you are doing what's best for your baby, he sounds like he's solely focussed on what's best for him. Your posts are full of...."he wants" "he doesn't want". Sod what he wants, stop letting him call the shots. And as for saying he will go for custody, and then saying he won't yet, just laugh and tell him he has a cat's chance in hell of that happening but you will await court instructions with interest if he wants to pursue it. He's just being a nasty little bully, while trying to be a good person Hmm

I think you will need to take a firm line with him as he obviously thinks he has the upper hand. Tell him you need him to contribute financially and if he won't do it voluntarily then you will go through CMS. I hope your grandad is on your side, it sounds like you're dealing with a lot on your own.

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 17:20

I will tell him I need him to support me financially or ill go to cms but he'll probably say he doesn't have any money. Should I offer to meet him so he can see dd?

OP posts:
HerRoyalFattyness · 14/12/2019 17:24

@rham if he says he has no money then go to CMS. Ignore what he says. It doesn't matter if he only gets £10 a week. He still needs to contribute to his child, and CMS will see that.

As for letting him see her, ask your social worker what they think you should do regarding contacts they may suggest it is better in a contact centre then you don't have to be involved as he is being quite manipulative and nasty with saying he will take you to court.

Georgepigthedragon · 14/12/2019 17:29

Hi Rham. Is your baby on a child protection plan? If I were you it would be a really good idea to be honest with your sw. If she is on a plan they would want to make an assessment of him so they can make sure your daughter is safe. SS will be able to support you with all of this. Its really hard to keep such big secrets.

Lifecanonlygetbetter · 14/12/2019 17:30

If he is her father she has a right to a relationship with him if it is safe. Why are Children’s Services involved- is she on a Child in Need or Child Protection plan? Unless your child is at risk of harm in your care it’s highly unlikely that she will move to live with him.You can apply for maintenance, he can apply to the family court for PR ( family court can order a DNA test for free). You need to talk to your social worker about him. You can also apply to family court for a child arrangements order for her to live with you, the court will then consider whether he should have PR and any contact. If you have no income, you will not have to pay for this, you don’t need a solicitor, Citizen’s Advice Bureau can help.

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 17:34

He's changed his mind about going to get custody. If I told the sw she probably would want to talk to him. But I don't know if I'm going to tell anyone who her dad is.

OP posts:
HerRoyalFattyness · 14/12/2019 17:44

@rham
You really really need to tell your sw.
I know you don't want to, but it is about your DD and what she deserves.

I know it's a difficult decision, especially when he hasn't be very nice, but it is important that your DD knows you never hid the truth from her.

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