To not know what to do?

[rham]

I've just found this site and just signed up.

I'm 16 and I've got a 3 month old daughter. Her dad is the same age. I wasn't in a relationship with him. Social services are involved and they don't seem to be helping I'm trying my best but they keep judging. I try and do little jobs for people I know to earn a bit of money but yesterday the social worker was saying how the washing up wasn't done etc.

Her dad is saying he's going to get custody of her. And he probably will. As he has an apprenticeship and his dad is helping him. Although he seems uninterested in her and he used to be violent (not sure if he still is).

Can I have some advice please?

You've had some really good advice. Parenting classes will help you. Tell the SW the truth. Your daughter deserves to know the truth one day. Her dad needs to understand he has responsibilities now, he needs to grow up fast.

I wont hide the truth from dd when she's older but I don't know if To tell people now or when she's a bit older.

Imo concentrate on enjoying your dd...
And don't meet him and get sucked back into his threats..

@rham would his mother like to know. Would she make a good grandma to your daughter?

He isn’t going to ‘get custody’, if he isn’t on the birth certificate, he doesn’t have parental responsibility. He’s saying that to try and frighten you. As others have said, PR doesn’t mean you can’t go to CMS. Is your daughter on a child protection plan? If so, you can ask social services to provide you with an advocate who can help guide you through any legal processes. You should also be provided with details of a solicitor who can represent you for free. If you’re not at that stage, the best way to avoid it is to fully engage with your social worker. As others have said, ask to be referred for parenting classes. Don’t meet up with your ex, it won’t help anything. I really, really feel for you. Many years ago, I was 16 alone with a baby and it’s hard and scary. Remember to take care of yourself, so you can be the best mum to your baby. Go to your GP if it all gets too much.

he had warning from police, he cant get custody easily.
if he has violent streak, the visits better be under supervision.
he is trying to bully you. ignore him.
you were underage when you had sex, thats another bad point for him.
you dont need to tell anyone he is the father.
keep contact with him minimum, he doesnt sound like good news.
just enjoy your baby, cooperate with sw, they can find parenting classes for you.

Firstly I think he wouldn't get custody as he has been involved with the police over a violent matter.
Secondly many new mums of all ages haven't done the washing up. Surely ss should only care that you are coping with your baby and loving her not making a show home?
You re not alone if you re living with your grandad.
Many years ago I was a young mum too and would rush around cleaning while ds was asleep. No one should judge any parent for leaving a few dishes but it s hard when you feel you have to be perfect as the world judges you.
As pp said get a 30 min free solicitors appointment and citizens advice over your legal position regarding baby s dad.
I hope you have support from friends irl.

@rham

OP I was 14 when I had my DS. It was really tough and you have to put yourself and the baby first. Here's my twopence worth:

Do stay engaged with social services, I know there are horror stories out there, but believe me their priority will be to keep your dd with you.
Try to get into parenting classes, failing that, any group that brings you and dd into regular contact with other mothers and babies. The support is amazing and SS will be pleased that you're being proactive and getting out.
Do not threaten the child's father. Don't say "support me or I will go to CMS", just go to CMS. You have every right. Do not engage with his threats to take your baby - it won't happen and he doesn't really want her. He just said it to upset you.
Talk to Grandad about future plans. I went to college when my ds started nursery, and to university when he started school. Your life isn't over, but you will need to get support around you.
Enjoy your daughter. I'm sure she's beautiful.

1. He won't get custody. Violent teenagers who threaten but don't want anybody to know they conceived a child with a 15 year old don't tend to get it.

1. You have to be nice to the Social Workers, even if they seem like they're criticising you. Ask them about Parenting courses and any other support you can get - proving you are able to cope with your baby (with your granddad's support) is more important than doing some cash in hand work at the moment.

1. First impressions count. You know how at school, there's a load of fuss about whether your uniform is correct and how you behave at the start of lessons? This is similar - if they walk in, you're smiling and they see a clean home, clean baby and you're looking pretty good (not full makeup, just clean yourself), they think 'She's coping well'. If they see stuff over the floor, dirty washing up stacked up, dirty bottles, the baby is in a manky Babygro with a very full nappy and you look like you haven't washed or brushed your hair for days, they'll be thinking you aren't. And it makes life nicer for you in the meantime.

1. If they ask outright about the baby's father, you could tell them that he was violent towards you and you don't want to put your baby in that situation. Not giving him access is also protecting yourself. if he's that desperate to see the baby, he can go to court, prove he is the father at his cost and get a court to decide whether he's safe for contact. I doubt that they would - and I doubt that he will, either. You do not have to allow him anywhere near you or your baby before that point. It's probably safer for both of you if you don't, anyhow, by the sounds of it.

1. They will probably ask if you have long term contraception in place. I hope you can tell them truthfully that yes, you do. They might ask what your longer term plans are - continuing your education would be the sort of answer they would hope to hear, rather than 'get my own flat' or 'get a job'.

1. YOU CAN DO THIS! You're great. You have your Granddad, you have your lovely baby, you can do this. Take all the support and advice they give you (even what sounds like rubbish, smile and say thank you).

1. You CAN do this!

1. Enjoy your lovely baby. Get to know her, get to enjoy all the funny things she does, the sounds she makes, the lovely sleepy cuddles. Take tons of photos for yourself and make sure your Granddad takes some that are the two of you regularly.

Mizik babydaddy wan,t violent toward op. She has already said.