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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how long after giving birth you had sex

53 replies

Rezaminelli · 14/12/2019 00:20

Good morning, name changed for this as I have posted a few things lately and don't want them piecing together in real life.

I've recently realised my ex was abusive throughout our relationship. We have a child together.

I had sex with him 5 days after childbirth...I didn't want to. I said no and I gave in because I thought he'd cheat again or leave me if I didn't. This has made me sad.

It's left me wondering how long others waited - because I know he would say "you wanted it" but who in their right mind wants sex 5 days after childbirth? Anyone?

OP posts:

RedXIII · 14/12/2019 00:33

It's been almost 8 weeks since having my second and I have no plans of having my bf going anywhere near my poor lady area!
I do remember it being about 8 weeks with my first.
I'm sorry to hear about your ex. It sounds like he was coercively controlling. I can see why he's your ex!

Confused866 · 14/12/2019 00:34

8 weeks for me, and even then I wouldn’t say that I was that keen but I kind of felt like I should ‘get it over with’ if you know what I mean. 5 days is really soon imo, you’d be nowhere near healed and I’d think there would be an infection risk? Sorry you felt pressured into it 😟

Aceinthehole · 14/12/2019 00:37

3 months with my first....

RougeVinEtFromage · 14/12/2019 00:44

8 weeks for me, weirdly the best sex of my life. If had stitches and thought it would be awful. I think I moved around inside, best thing ever.?

OwlBeThere · 14/12/2019 00:44

About a week every time. But I didn’t tear and I didn’t have stitches and I’d stopped bleeding. I also lose all libido in pregnancy but feel like I want it after. Everyone is different.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/12/2019 00:49

With my PFB, my now X and I never had sex again. I think PFB was a year old before I was remotely intimate with anyone, and sex was another six months.
With later births, with a partner I lived and wanted to have sex with, it was between 8 and 12 weeks, when I felt ready. He was willing to wait until I was ready, there was no hint of coercion though, and had it taken longer, it wouldn't have been a problem.

steff13 · 14/12/2019 00:50

I waited five weeks the first time. A month the second and third.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 14/12/2019 00:57

6 weeks, it was about 3 days after I stopped bleeding, it was also the most painful sex I've ever had.
I was stitched back up in 3 places, not sure how possible it is to have your vagina tightened but it sure felt that way, it was like losing my virginity again but worse, dh was terrified he'd hurt me.

Original poster

Rezaminelli · 14/12/2019 01:03

@OwlBeThere just realised what I've put could be offensive. I certainly don't mean you're not in your right mind. Like you say, we are all different and the main thing was you wanted you where I didn't.

I don't think it helped that two days later I nearly died from a haemorrhage also. I'm pleased he is my ex.

OP posts:

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 14/12/2019 01:07

About 4 weeks but only after the bleeding had stopped. I wanted to check out that everything was working before my six week check up.

labazsisgoingmad · 14/12/2019 03:16

with my first this was a long time ago we were told dont do anything before 6 weeks minimum and i think with first it was about 8 weeks. i had loads of stitches inside and out though. 2nd one it was at 4 weeks and i fell pregnant!

Marshmallow91 · 14/12/2019 04:14

Still haven't had sex 10 months later, other than once around 4 weeks after her birth.

Honeybee85 · 14/12/2019 04:18

I think after 5 or 6 weeks.
It was painful though until at least 5 months post partum

poppycity · 14/12/2019 04:20

Recently had this conversation in my Mum's group and the range was 8 weeks to a year with the average being around 3 months.

I will say @OP that a friend of mine disclosed the same about her abusive ex when we were chatting on our own. In her case it was 8 days. And a huge red flag that helped her see how abusive he was. I'm so sorry you had that experience and I hope you are never in such a position again.

FreedomfromPE · 14/12/2019 04:27

My abusive ex also piled on the pressure around the one week mark I think it was because I just wanted sleep and he kept on. It's good to move on and it's better when you also know you're in a strong enough place to put your own needs to the front. Best wishes x

WinterRose92 · 14/12/2019 04:37

5 weeks both times for me. But I was very lucky, had very good births, no tearing or anything.
I’m sorry you went through that, that’s awful. He’s awful, I’m glad he’s your ex.

MiniGuinness · 14/12/2019 04:50

I don’t think you need to know when others did though. You did not want it and that is enough. Many women do want sex again very soon, especially if they have easy births and easy babies. But that is nothing to do with what happened to you. Sorry it happened, he sounds awful.

Original poster

Rezaminelli · 14/12/2019 04:59

Miniguinness you're right, I don't need to know. I was just interested that all.

It's the sort of thing I would ask the mum friends I know, but I haven't yet because I'm just coming to terms with everything that has happened and don't feel upto talking real life with anyone at the moment.

I assume people will only answer the question if they're happy to share it, and if they're not I'm sure they'll move on.

OP posts:

MiniGuinness · 14/12/2019 05:07

I am not having a go at you asking the question. It is a normal question among my group of mum friends too. I just think that you need to know what happened to you is not acceptable at all, it is nothing to do with how soon after birth it happened, it just should never have happened at all.

OwlBeThere · 14/12/2019 05:11

@Rezaminelli dont worry I didn’t take it that way! At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if it’s a week or a year, the point is it needs to be consensual: I’m sorry that it wasn’t for you and I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve also been in a position of being coerced and convinced into sex and it shouldn’t happen.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 14/12/2019 05:16

10 weeks for me.

We tried at about 6 but it was so uncomfortable we had to stop.

Buyitinbamboo · 14/12/2019 05:31

5 weeks with no 1. I'm 4 weeks with no 2 now and feel like I would like to but I'm still bleeding quite heavily so we will wait. God 5 days makes me wince a bit, fair enough if you were fully up for it, but you clearly weren't and he is disgusting for putting pressure on you.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 14/12/2019 05:32

After my first, I waited until the all clear from the Dr which was just after 6 weeks. Have no recollection after my second, but most likely it would have been longer. Recovery was shorter the second time but I was more sleep deprived and touched out from non stop breastfeeding (tandem fed both children).

Rosehip345 · 14/12/2019 05:33

About a week but that was my choice. I don’t think it’d have been right two, four or twelve weeks after if it wasn’t your choice to.

Snaleandthewhail · 14/12/2019 05:48

I’m sorry. You felt forced to have sex when you didn’t want to, when it was probably painful, and possibly not the wisest thing to do medically (depending on the risk of infection).

What other people go through doesn’t matter, this happened to you and it shouldn’t have.

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