To be completely hurt over this?

[crystal765]

Sorry I've NC.

DP and I were talking earlier and we had a conversation where he said he was going to drink more but decided against it in the end. I said it annoyed me that he even thought about doing it (would mean potentially putting him over the limit). He then said "it's like saying I thought about having sex with someone which is cheating"

I said it is bad, having those thoughts are still unfair. He then said that he has imagined having sex with other women when we are having sex. He said they're usually celebrities but not sure I believe this.

It is hurtful because I always imagined in the moment someone would be transfixed by me, my body etc.

AIBU and overly sensitive? The idea of having sex with him again is making me feel gross.

I’m not surprised ! That’s incredibly insensitive of him. If he is having those thoughts, the least he could do is keep them to himself.

How long have you been together?

I'd be shattered by this, I don't blame you for being put off.

@Brittany2019 5 years, engaged. No kids.

I understand people can have those thoughts but to say them to me...? So hurtful.

I always imagined my husband being absolutely in love with my body and finding me sexy but now I feel even fatter and hideous.

I'd find it really, really hard to forget that.

I'm not sure what you me a by drink more? I found the first paragraph very confusing and not sure how it's relevant?
As for the rest, I would be very hurt if my dp said this to me.

Bloody hell. Having these thoughts is not so bad, it happens to me, but it is very cruel to share them. What good does it do to anyone? Sorry about this OP. I don't know if it helps but just because I fantasise a out other blokes doesn't mean I don't fancy OH loads. He probably thinks of other women too but I just don't want to know.

@Thestrangestthing I was trying to give context. I understand it isn't particularly clear.

DP went to the pub tonight and as he is driving, he would / should only have one beer. He said he considered having two but wouldn't have had time.
I said that even considering it and not seeing an issue with potentially drink driving is an issue.
He then came back with the argument (he didn't agree with me) "how can that be - you can think of having sex with other people that doesn't mean you're cheating"
I then disagreed with that saying how the intention shows you're not being a good partner... then he said the above!

I probably have thought of other men, or other scenarios where something is sexier but I'd never ever tell him - it's hurtful. I feel not good enough.

Engaged, no kids? I’d be having serious second thoughts about marrying him, tbh. Not because he’s had those thoughts, but because he thought it appropriate to share them with you. What did he hope to achieve by doing that?
Does he know how much he’s hurt you?

That’s a really awful thing for him to say to you. I would find it very hard to forget those comments. I hope he is very remorseful.

I think it’s acceptable to have those thoughts but unacceptable me to tell someone especially when clearly doing so purely to hurt them.

Oh OP. It's nothing to do with your looks, I am sorry you feel this way. I would be upset too. He should have kept his mouth shut.

Is he being deliberately crap to make you dump him?

Gross. I wouldn't want to shag someone who was using me as a glorified wank.

@Thelnebriati no I really doubt that.

He says it's just fact and he isn't going to lie to me. He says he's done nothing wrong. He then tried proving it by showing me an article that states 93% of men and 80% of women do the same...

I don't think he was trying to be cruel. The conversation went that way, I imagine you asked him and he basically told you.
It is true that thinking of someone else is not cheating, and it is true that thinking of having a drink is not the same as drinking so I understand his argument.
He dug himself a big hole there.
He should definitely apologise to make you feel crap.

Ah OK, I understand now. I would be really upset by this OP. Not the fact he does it because I think it's probably inevitable that everyone does at some point, but the fact he would tell you.

So he considered having two drinks but didn't, not because it's horrible or illegal to drink drive, but because he didnt have time? As in he would have, if he'd had the time? If he applies that to his cheating analogy, then the only reason he isn't cheating is because circumstances dont allow him to, not because he thinks its wrong! Anyway, I think he is just shit at analogies.

I think this is one of those things that everyone does, but nobody says. Like I occasionally wonder what it would be like to be single, i have the very odd moment where i hate my husband, but i would never ever say anything because its hurtful and pointless and its only fleeting thoughts and the other 99pc of the time I feel lucky to have him.

Is he generally a bit 'too honest'? Or does he ever say things to try and hurt you?

Hmm. Just read your update. He is making everything worse. He just wants to make a point at the expense of your feelings. Not on!

He is of the "have to be right" mentality. He isn't usually saying things to hurt me but would in an argument or disagreement but I occasionally do the same

Sometimes he's really nice and apologetic if he's accidentally hurt me but in this scenario it's a "grow up" type approach.

He didn't need to say it the convo wasn't going there. It was firstly about wanking and I fully accept everyone imagines other people but he took it to another level - my response was "I don't imagine other men" because I'm not going to say I do! Then he said he does and he's done it loads and he was the one who then went to say it's during sex and named a few celebrities...

@OoohTheStatsDontLie yes he would have without a doubt if he didn't know I'd be fuming / had a good excuse. I think it's appalling but thought we were doing better on it!

Admire his honesty but my god, the lack of tact..... Diplomacy goes a long way!

Perhaps just fight fire with fire and confess to him that you're usually thinking of someone else too. Actually the only times you don't orgasm are the times you're completely in the moment concentrating on him. Actually that's cruel and you seem too nice to be that hurtful. I'm sorry you feel bad OP but please don't let it knock you too much. You do honestly sound so lovely and he sounds like a bit of a jerk trying to make you feel bad. X

Don't spend the rest of your life with him doing shit things, arguing with you, and then showing you articles to prove its ok. You are worth so much more than this.

and as he is driving, he would / should only have one beer.
No, if he's driving he shouldn't be drinking at all.

I dumped a guy for as much.

I told him If you want Angelina jolie that badly I suggest you go get her. Shame she wouldn’t be interested in you. But neither am I now. I won’t be a replacement for someone you can’t have.

If my other bf’s in the past have imagined humping film stars or singers or whatever they’ve not told me. Sensible move.

I don’t imagine someone else during sex, I just want to be with the one I’m having sex with.

When I’m on my own though I can imagine whomever but I’d never tell my bf!