To ask Tory voters what I do now.

[GailCindy]

I have a son who has SEND issues. I am trained as a senior nursery practitioner and have done a lot of courses to back up my college NVQs so I can look after children with quite severe disabilities in a range of settings but I like nurseries. On paper I could get a job for about 25k quite easily.

My son is 14 and has SEND issues. I worked full time until he was 12 and half way in year 7 when it became impossible to work and be a mother to him. Over the past 3-4 years, his support in school has dwindled so he now gets 10% of what is on his EHCP and none of it is 1v1. It is all in small groups which is better than nothing but not if it is only for 2 of 25+ periods he has in a week. My son is not violent or disruptive in the usual way. He will become very anxious and have panic attacks if he feels overwhelmed in any way by his surroundings or work. This sometimes mean he will cry or become very withdrawn and unable to sit in lessons. Rarely he will explode but he wont hit other people. It will be closer to self harming. Also, for reasons related to his ASD, my son goes through uniform/clothes/shoes much faster than other kids his age. Quite a bit of his DLA goes on uniform where I buy at least one item a month. Often 2 items. Plus other clothes.

They wont let him take his phone to school. I was part of several parents across the country who tried to protest these rules locally and nationally but the education minister backed the schools with these rules. My son has to travel alone to and from school because I work* for a few hours per day. He can become overwhelmed by something unpredictable happening so not having any contact (not even by phone box as he cannot carry money) on his way to and from school is terrifying. Plus they issue same day detentions for up to an hour so I never know when he is leaving school. Same for a club or event. The Xmas auditions ran 1hour past time until 630pm and they did not tell parents so we were all wondering where our kids were. Nobody answering school phones and of course we cannot call the kids.

These two things with school always ringing me and him needing to be able to contact me means I cannot do my job. We are not allowed phones in the nursery and it is not practical for the school to ring the office as much as they try and contact me which can be every day.

I had a partner but we recently split because of money issues. We couldn't afford to be together legally and it is too hard to maintain separate homes and finances and feel like a couple. That is a friend with benefits.

A special school might be better for my son and I thought as much from year 7 but guess what? Cuts mean that because my son can do his work alright he isnt eligible for a special school. One man from LEA told me that special schools are for kids with brain damage in wheelchairs now and not kids who can write and read. All of those are moved into mainstream he told me.

So the cuts mean that my son has to go to the only school with autism unit which is defunct due to lack of funding but people have the knowledge of what should be done at least. However he gets no support there so they'll regularly need me to get him. Lack of funding also means that he cannot go to a special school because they are now for people more disabled than him.

All of these things mean I can only work 3 hours a day because the only feasible job I could find that just happens to be in my field was to do the mornings in a nursery as a NVQ level 2 employee. I meet him when I can but it would cost me £15 a week to do so unless I walked there which would take an hour out of the other things that need doing. Therefore I only meet him when it combines with some other task which makes the bus fare worthwhile. I still can't work in the afternoons though because I have to be "on call" for him. If he needs to be collected which he often does, even if it is at home time, they will not let him leave alone distressed or in a cab. So either me,his dad,or my recent ex has to collect him. His dad lives 150 miles away. My recent ex had to work all the hours God sends to provide for us all (he has kids himself). So it is me.

MY UC housing allowances does not cover my housing costs by £150 so that comes out of our living expenses. That's because the HLA is low, we are in private accommodation with no chance of local social housing for years and we need to live somewhere he can easily get to the places he needs to get to alone. This independence frankly means that he is more likely to put money back in society at some point. Moving would set us back and the nationwide shortage of services means that moving somewhere cheap and rural would mean he wouldn't get even the support he gets now.

Long story not so short we live on 100 pound a month ( including his DLA) after I've paid to not be evicted and to keep in contact with each other. That includes food, travel for me, clothes, treats, replacement furniture, everything. The only luxury we have according to budgeting sites is wifi but really my son would never pass his GCSEs if he didnt have good internet at home. Streaming off of a phone to laptop does not work well enough to access all the complex websites and programmes he has to use just to do compulsory homework. Good GSCEs means he will more likely earn money and pay taxes.

His dad gives CM but considering he has 6 dependents in his home, has bipolar and works "part time" according to them, it is barely enough for my son to have some pocket money for the trips he takes out with a social group of local SEND kids and the occasional treat related to his hobby which I use to get him to do stuff that he doesnt want to do and likely wont get support doing anyway because of the cuts. I mean things like completing assessments and exams. They freak him out big time.

I know this is pathetic and long but honestly AIBU to ask what do I do?

Every turn the Tories have cut off our options. I haven't bought a pair of knickers since last Xmas and they were from Primark and I'm literally praying someone buys me some this year because they are ripped and off colour. That is my life now. I'd love to go back to the job I trained so hard for given that I had a shit family who abused me and stopped me finishing school but the support just isn't there for me to leave my son. What do we do when BJ will just take more and more away and make it even harder for people like me who want to work but can't with such shit public services?

@WorldsOnFire

Did you actually vote? You seem to have so little faith in manifesto pledges what was the point?

No there wouldn't be an instant fix to the discrimination that our children face under a Tory government but there would be more hope for their future. It's only going to get worse for the next 5 years.

Maybe get a session with a really good life coach

OP lives on £100 a month, how on earth is she going to afford the luxury of a life coach?

@taratill

No- my point is that it’s not just children like OP’s DS.

patients in the NHS, Elderly people in care, children in care...so many people are ‘let down’ everyday because there isn’t enough money to do a great job for everyone.

It’s fine to say this is awful and should be funded better on this specific post but where should be get the money to better fund educational support for disabled children? Where would you like the country to take that from? UC, Pensions, NHS, social services, public services??? Who gets the cut? Because in reality nobody is being funded well or properly as there is much higher demand now than there ever used to be and It’s outweighing resources.

OP... these people don’t care about you or anyone less well off than them.

I feel for you and have seen the awful situation these policies and vicious underfunding of public services have caused. I wish I had a solution for you

No the money doesn't need to come from other services, it needs to come from fairer taxation.

And Children's education and mental health are so vitally important. The buck is otherwise being passed for future generations and Adult Autism and health services.

The fact that the 5th largest economy discriminates against disabled children is worse than abhorrent.

Op have a look at the 10 pound a day thread - you might be able to work from home here

There’s also the matched betting thread here which despite its name is risk free and tax free, worth a read?

Yes, I don't understand why your son can't turn off his phone and put it in his zipped-up bag in his locker during school, and only take it out once he is off school grounds, eg, on the bus?

@taratill

Of course I voted- but anyone who thought there was a ‘good’ outcome and didn’t take everything said by each part with a bucket of salt is naive. One party didn’t really want to help those who need it most and the other wanted to do everything for everyone with Monopoly money 👍🏻

You need to look at enforcing his ECHP provision. Or getting bolshy and pushing for a specialist placement. There are places that cater to that 'in between' territory of HF ASC but lots of issues. I know it is tough, but SEN tribunal is very sympathetic to parents and children

And do you know what this costs?, that such specialist places are most often run by private providers that have local authorities held to ransom with their charges. Again tax payers money going out of the system - market force driving costs up.
It isn't unusual for these costs to be £100,000 per child per year - just where do local authorities get this money during austerity?

OP I cried through your post. I have cared, occasionally, for a child with SEN and it stunned me the intensity of that support, the dedication and attention that is needed. A 2 hour stint seemed endless. You must be exhausted.

PP's on here - I can't believe some of your answers - selfish? no empathy?
Yes support to develop your life and become independent - but where do you access that type of support ( ...that might have been in our Children's Centre...which have mainly been closed down).

I am a single parent, left by an ineffective man who 'changed his mind' about his family. I needed some support, I needed time to workout how to support my family - and I have, but I didn't have SEN children who took up all of my time and energies.

This thread sums up the real issues out there, the lack of understanding and empathy for others.

@LeithWalk

Spot on, inclusion resulted in closure of state run Sen Provision. Now everyone (even those who don't cope) need to be in Mainstream.

Alternative are private SEN schools at massive expense to the taxpayer.

Privatisation of services at it's finest.

Could you work as a tutor? I have a relative that tutors primary school children, she charges £40 an hour (not London).

If I were you I would be looking for a start for a job as a private nanny. I think they earn atleast £30k pa. and would be flexible about you being on the phone (because no one would know) meanwhile I would look for an office job with prospects.

I’m sorry for your situation, it does sound incredibly hard and must feel impossible, you have my sympathy.

I would give your son a cheap phone and to hell with the consequences, teach him to tell the school to take it up with you if they have a problem.

What do you think JC would have done to improve your situation?

@taratill

Do we think ‘fairer taxation’ ever really works in a capitalist society? My personal opinion is that the ‘very rich’ millionaires+ will always avoid paying more and find ways around it. So it’s actually the ‘middle class’ who would likely face the brunt of ‘fairer taxation’ in which case you really need to define what you consider fair.

@JeffreeStar I'm sure when OP had a child she wasn't expecting him to have SEN that affected her ability to work regular hours.

Op l think your solution is nothing to do with politics..

Gordon Bennet.
Yeah - 'cos there is nothing political about the funding of schools, special needs provision, affordable housing, or the trap single parents find themselves in when they simply cannot find enough time or money to personally fill the gaps ripped out of our society by ... politicians.

Are you sure that the rule regarding mobile phones isn't just during school hours. I have never heard of a school enforcing a no phone policy outside of school hours. I would suggest what others have suggested and your son keeps it in his bag.

Have you thought of childminding or private house cleaning jobs? I did both of these when my children were at school.

I can't comment on the SN/EHCP issues but maybe ask for the rhead to be moved to the SN board.

But I would also say he should take his phone to school regardless, and also some money for the phone box. If it's zipped away in a bag how will the school know?

Sorry I don’t see how this is a political parties fault - what did JC promise you?

thread not rhead

Can I ask why if you earn £20 per hour you would only come out with £7

Under Universal Credit your benefits are reduced by 63p for each pound you earn.

I think there should be a hard cap of 50% on money withheld from earnings. This would benefit both very low and very high earners. Whether someone earned £20 a week or £200,000 a year, they should be able to keep at least 50% of every additional pound their employer pays out to employ them. (Choosing my words carefully, because I do mean to imply that employer NI should be counted as part of salary and part of the tax burden when making this calculation.)

well @WorldsOnFire that's certainly the case with BJ and Brexit and the fact that his crony friends will be able to maintain their offshore accounts (was going to be legislated for in Europe!)

I'm not sure of the figures but I don't think the raise in taxation which was proposed would break the banks of the middle classes.

Anyway not going to happen for at least 5 years so you don't need to worry about it.

I do however have to worry about my children getting their basic (human) right to an education and whether they will be able to access mental health services in time that they don't kill themselves. I know which position I'd rather be in.

You need to look at enforcing his ECHP provision. Or getting bolshy and pushing for a specialist placement. There are places that cater to that 'in between' territory of HF ASC but lots of issues. I know it is tough, but SEN tribunal is very sympathetic to parents and children

And do you know what this costs?, that such specialist places are most often run by private providers that have local authorities held to ransom with their charges. Again tax payers money going out of the system - market force driving costs up.
It isn't unusual for these costs to be £100,000 per child per year - just where do local authorities get this money during austerity?

Guilt trip the government @LeithWalk , not parents. Parents didn't push suitable provision into the private sector.

Indiscriminate mainstreaming was a poisonous Tory policy. As a result thousands of children are not getting the accessible education they are LEGALLY entitles to. Some of them end up with serious MN problems or no qualifications as a result.

Time to build more schools for children on the spectrum who are unable to cope in mainstream.

Meanwhile, children are owed a suitable education and parents are entitled to push for one.

OP, you do realise that you should not believe what the LA employees tell you? They are your enemy in this. You are the advocate for your child. Work out what he really needs to be able to access an appropriate education and ask for it. Go to tribunal if needs be (likely).

I don't think it's a political issue, I think it's more to do with a lack of emotional & financial support from your DS's father. Have you got any local carer groups nearby where you can access support? or search on Facebook?
Your problems have been caused by procreating with a poor quality male unfortunately.

A vote for Tory’s is a selfish and hateful vote. I’m in the top 5% and would never vote Tory. I’m ashamed of how people have voted.

I don’t understand this not being able to afford to live together.
I take it you mean you would be expected to live off your partners money as you can’t have benefits as well.