To ask Tory voters what I do now.

[GailCindy]

I have a son who has SEND issues. I am trained as a senior nursery practitioner and have done a lot of courses to back up my college NVQs so I can look after children with quite severe disabilities in a range of settings but I like nurseries. On paper I could get a job for about 25k quite easily.

My son is 14 and has SEND issues. I worked full time until he was 12 and half way in year 7 when it became impossible to work and be a mother to him. Over the past 3-4 years, his support in school has dwindled so he now gets 10% of what is on his EHCP and none of it is 1v1. It is all in small groups which is better than nothing but not if it is only for 2 of 25+ periods he has in a week. My son is not violent or disruptive in the usual way. He will become very anxious and have panic attacks if he feels overwhelmed in any way by his surroundings or work. This sometimes mean he will cry or become very withdrawn and unable to sit in lessons. Rarely he will explode but he wont hit other people. It will be closer to self harming. Also, for reasons related to his ASD, my son goes through uniform/clothes/shoes much faster than other kids his age. Quite a bit of his DLA goes on uniform where I buy at least one item a month. Often 2 items. Plus other clothes.

They wont let him take his phone to school. I was part of several parents across the country who tried to protest these rules locally and nationally but the education minister backed the schools with these rules. My son has to travel alone to and from school because I work* for a few hours per day. He can become overwhelmed by something unpredictable happening so not having any contact (not even by phone box as he cannot carry money) on his way to and from school is terrifying. Plus they issue same day detentions for up to an hour so I never know when he is leaving school. Same for a club or event. The Xmas auditions ran 1hour past time until 630pm and they did not tell parents so we were all wondering where our kids were. Nobody answering school phones and of course we cannot call the kids.

These two things with school always ringing me and him needing to be able to contact me means I cannot do my job. We are not allowed phones in the nursery and it is not practical for the school to ring the office as much as they try and contact me which can be every day.

I had a partner but we recently split because of money issues. We couldn't afford to be together legally and it is too hard to maintain separate homes and finances and feel like a couple. That is a friend with benefits.

A special school might be better for my son and I thought as much from year 7 but guess what? Cuts mean that because my son can do his work alright he isnt eligible for a special school. One man from LEA told me that special schools are for kids with brain damage in wheelchairs now and not kids who can write and read. All of those are moved into mainstream he told me.

So the cuts mean that my son has to go to the only school with autism unit which is defunct due to lack of funding but people have the knowledge of what should be done at least. However he gets no support there so they'll regularly need me to get him. Lack of funding also means that he cannot go to a special school because they are now for people more disabled than him.

All of these things mean I can only work 3 hours a day because the only feasible job I could find that just happens to be in my field was to do the mornings in a nursery as a NVQ level 2 employee. I meet him when I can but it would cost me £15 a week to do so unless I walked there which would take an hour out of the other things that need doing. Therefore I only meet him when it combines with some other task which makes the bus fare worthwhile. I still can't work in the afternoons though because I have to be "on call" for him. If he needs to be collected which he often does, even if it is at home time, they will not let him leave alone distressed or in a cab. So either me,his dad,or my recent ex has to collect him. His dad lives 150 miles away. My recent ex had to work all the hours God sends to provide for us all (he has kids himself). So it is me.

MY UC housing allowances does not cover my housing costs by £150 so that comes out of our living expenses. That's because the HLA is low, we are in private accommodation with no chance of local social housing for years and we need to live somewhere he can easily get to the places he needs to get to alone. This independence frankly means that he is more likely to put money back in society at some point. Moving would set us back and the nationwide shortage of services means that moving somewhere cheap and rural would mean he wouldn't get even the support he gets now.

Long story not so short we live on 100 pound a month ( including his DLA) after I've paid to not be evicted and to keep in contact with each other. That includes food, travel for me, clothes, treats, replacement furniture, everything. The only luxury we have according to budgeting sites is wifi but really my son would never pass his GCSEs if he didnt have good internet at home. Streaming off of a phone to laptop does not work well enough to access all the complex websites and programmes he has to use just to do compulsory homework. Good GSCEs means he will more likely earn money and pay taxes.

His dad gives CM but considering he has 6 dependents in his home, has bipolar and works "part time" according to them, it is barely enough for my son to have some pocket money for the trips he takes out with a social group of local SEND kids and the occasional treat related to his hobby which I use to get him to do stuff that he doesnt want to do and likely wont get support doing anyway because of the cuts. I mean things like completing assessments and exams. They freak him out big time.

I know this is pathetic and long but honestly AIBU to ask what do I do?

Every turn the Tories have cut off our options. I haven't bought a pair of knickers since last Xmas and they were from Primark and I'm literally praying someone buys me some this year because they are ripped and off colour. That is my life now. I'd love to go back to the job I trained so hard for given that I had a shit family who abused me and stopped me finishing school but the support just isn't there for me to leave my son. What do we do when BJ will just take more and more away and make it even harder for people like me who want to work but can't with such shit public services?

Good post from Oliversm. We often break people down into two types - those who look at their situation realisitically and make the changes they need and those who just can't either because they are too stressed or defeatist or have mental health issues or some other reason. In life it tends to make you happier if you try to move your mindset into a can do attitude.

He doesn't support them much financially other than his CM being reduced a bit because he lives with them

He supports nin if the kids he has had or is step father for?

@GailCindy2

Slow reply I know, my view to your lack of aspiration is that you still appear incapable of accepting that you will need to change things if you want change.

You work part time in a nursery. I have seen nothing but excuses as to why you can’t change things and do more to help yourself, despite plenty of brilliant suggestions from others.

I’m sorry but you simply don’t fit my definition of a grafter at all, not even remotely. You sound entitled and full of blame.

The first thing I’d do is to move. Our rent in a midlands two bed was £420 PER MONTH! It’s not even like your sons settled at school, he’d get better support rurally anyway teacher:pupil ratio is less. You don’t have a support network around you to help you with him anyway. There are always nursery jobs available by us. I simply can’t see why you would choose to stay somewhere you blatantly can’t afford?!

Slow clap for the understanding on this page, page 13 of this thread....

@Oliversmumsarmy

Are you Oliver's mum? If so then we speak all the time on Facebook and have met at events. Very interesting if this is what you say on here because you are very different person on Facebook. If you are not Oliver's mum and are acting like this with his name, I am sure she would not be happy going by the person I know.

Oliver's mum would know that I am on the phone all the time because I am fighting for my UC to be paid properly and for my son to get what he is supposed to get in school or I am talking to the school about an incident that day or to follow up on something I started with them. I'm doing all the things people tell me I should be doing.

£1700 is cheap for even the "bad" parts of East London now. There is no way my son could share a room with me or that we could give up having a sitting room. He would stay in his room all the time if the sitting room was my bedroom. I mean we could but it would worsen his mental health problems and probably mine too. Then neither of us would be able to work and we would just be a drain on society forever.

My son was in school under labour policies but since 2010, it has slowly got worse. He started in September 2010. It was in no way as bad as this. As soon as he got his statement he had 20 hours per week immediately delivered. Now his primary school would never be able to give him half of what he got. I know because I know younger kids there with similar needs.

By estranged OH do you mean my recent ex who has his own life and family or his dad who lives 150 miles away with bipolar, 6 kids to look after while his wife works? And you expect him to be here enough for me to do a full time night job? Your suggestions just are not practical and they show how put of touch you are with reality.

Cheaper housing near his school which has specialist autism provision isnt an option. His school isnt even in our borough but we live here because it is cheaper than near his school which we fought to get in because of the autism unit. We live in an ex council flat in an estate. Next door is 2k per month but has newer refurbishment. Same size.

You arent limited to DSS only on UC if you avoid agents and get HB paid to you. DSS accepted private rentals are usually damp, dirty and dodgy round here. Had a friend who was sub letting from a council tenant and had no idea until the council called round to investigate.

So thanks for your post but it offers no real solution at all.

Ah you have your old account back?

@Rosehip345

SEND provision in your area is much worse than mine. Of course I wish I could live somewhere with peanut rent. But lack of funding affects out of London more than London. That isn't a solution either. Already looked into it before my son had this level of problems because I planned to become a nursery manager and buy somewhere one day. Obviously easier to do that in the North. I have extended family in Redcar.

And more prize cunts roll in...

I hope whenever you need operations on the NHS you fuck off and go private. Free up your spot to us "scroungers". Don't dare take any benefits you might be entitled to in 20 years as something's happened you. If you get knocked over and become disabled as a result, I'll fully expect to see you working FT. And don't complain if the retirement age goes up! Keep working until you drop dead as you're all such grafters.

What a bunch of miserable pigs.

@marleyisme

Yes I couldn't sign in because I originally signed up via google and forgot so was stupidly trying to use email sign in which didnt recognise me

Your child’s father shouldn’t be taking responsibility for his step children to the detriment of his own biological child. They have their own father.

I would be much happier if the £2bn spent on giving everyone including those of us who are comfortable a tax cut (cost of NI threshold increase) that will see me a paltry £85 a year better off was spent on adequate SEND provision.

Those advocating FT night work, when is the OP supposed to sleep? I assume the calls to collect her son must be pretty frequent or it wouldn't affect her ability to work. Or do you think it is reasonable for her to survive on 3/4 hours sleep each day for the foreseeable?

That rent is extortionate though OP, I would give some thought to moving although I appreciate this isn’t easy if you don’t have the money to fund the move.

The answer to your predicament is
a) accept it your DC has SEN and everything that comes with it. You are not alone and there are support groups our there.
b) find realistic solutions to your financial problems, (many of us would love to have a 25k+ job, but we have DC to look after - or partners who work shift, or ex partners who are just not involved - so not feasible and like you we have to work around it.)
c) if you feel politics should help you, speak to your local MP. They will help you if they can, but than, your problems are not of an purely political nature.
d) the Tory party did not put you in this situation, you are entitled to financial help, just make sure that you claim everything you are entitled to.

Move to the north east op if u have family here. Much much cheaper housing and the sen provision is certainly no worse than in London

@GailCindy I feel for you. And I hate this philosophy of "survival of the fittest" that the right is preaching. I do not think that you and you son are less worthy than some heartless and useless sack of money. I do respect people who's become rich through their own talent and hard work (and maybe some luck), who has been honest and respectful of others. But I do not respect those over privileged ones, who squeeze more and more life out of our public services, yet earn fortunes on shortening the pound, on brexit downturn, who do not pay taxes here and keep/move their assets to offshore.

Could you become a childminder for children with send or for home educated children?
That way you can choose the hours to fit around your son

I voted labour, sorry to burst your "anyone who disagrees with op is a Tory cunt" rhetoric. I just don't think that Labour would have made things any better. Free tuition fees, free broadband, free this, free that. Where was the focus from them on the stuff that actually matters? Why would Labour getting in have made any realistic difference to your son's schooling? Why are the general public to blame for the situation you find yourself in?

So, was your most recent ex married when you had an affair with him?

Labour brought in tax credits.Money free for all that allowed people to have as many children as they wanted without having to work.
A situation that couldn’t continue.
Without that your child’s father would not have afforded to have six kids and would have needed to pay more for his own child.

OP you have not said I was wrong in my calculations because they are correct, so your original I only have £100 per month for food travel etc is crap.
Your plan has back fired because it shows that you could live somewhere cheaper and actually have a good standard of living!

It’s only come to light now because of how generous Tax credits and housing benefit have been in the past.
That is why Universal Credit was brought in.
Benefits have afforded people things that people who work can’t afford.
Your situation is in your own hands.The government is not going to be chucking more cash at you.

@GailCindy2
@GailCindy Do not presume you know about the SEND provisions in our area, which I can assure you (as I live here!) are actually very good. There are quite simply less pupils and therefore more support, bizarrely the amounts distributed are similar to down south despite the costs being considerably less. Our largest local secondary is 1300 pupils, all others do not exceed 900 pupils in total.
If you’re comparing us to Redcar, we are not comparable, that is a very cheap area but is also incredibly poor. I understand house prices are very low but I believe the employment rates also are?

Why don’t you move nearer his dad then ?

I threaten my ex with this every time he says he’s going to reduce child support, I say either you pay me to do the heavy lifting or you do it yourself with a big smile. He shuts himself and pays up

GailCindy

You do know that Oliver is not only a popular boys name and there is more than one mum with a boy called Oliver.
But Oliversmumsarmy also a take on a song by Elvia Costello.

If you had read my post earlier I gave an alternative to your recent ex staying over. (I thought he was local didn’t realise he was 150 miles away)
I said to look into getting an au pair or student who needs bed and board who can be there in the evening and over night

Friend looked into it when she got divorced as she too didn’t have any support in the area and was away 4 or 5 nights per week.
She ended up hiring a student through an agency who was from out of the area but was studying at the local college.

Realistically how good is this autism unit if you are complaining about the SEN on the school and your Ds hasn’t settled

As people are saying would it be better if you moved to a cheaper area. I am sure that there are other schools with similar units attached although I can see them being over subscribed

If you stay around London then you need to look at your options.

Again you mention about trying to get the right amount of UC and I am aware that if you are limited to landlords who only accept DSS then you are going to get shit accommodation.

That is why I was saying about looking at f/t night work.
Even if it is just stacking shelves in your local Tesco’s.

I don’t know where you are but if you looked on Rightmove and put in your ds’s schools postcode then widened the search from there even if you put in £1500 per month top rent and 3 bedrooms are you sure there isn’t anything that is commutable.

It is a bit of a chicken and egg situation in that to do the job you need a 3 bed place but you can’t get the 3 bed place until you have the job.

But you need to make it work. Even if you have to hire an overnight sitter for a month or get a friend to sleep over some nights and then change the sheets in the morning.

Might I suggest in the meantime whilst you are mulling over your options instead of phoning you create a paper trail and write with a signed for delivery.

Any phone calls are noted and you write back to the person with a copy of what the conversation was about.

Along the lines of.......Further to our telephone conversation today I am writing to confirm you said

A
B
C
And said you would do E

And that I will do F&G

Then add a line about if this isn’t correct please email me to let me know which part I have misinterpreted within the next 7 days

That way you have a record of everything.

Further up thread you said they are not giving you some paperwork.

You can give them an SAR
Look up the template on google.

You should get everything they hold on you including any telephone recordings.

We had to do this when very unexpectedly we received a £7000+ bill for over payments of tax credits.

The issue was we have never claimed Tax Credits.

All we got back was 1 sheet of paper which was a screenshot saying we owed £7000 in tax credits.

The whole system is a farce.

Step away from the phone and start writing to them for a SAR first of all and then follow on from there.

Oliversmumsarmy you haven't addressed the point a pp made about when OP should sleep if she's working nights and her son's school is calling frequently throughout the day for her to pick him up.

Have you ever worked waking nights? I have. They're grim and terrible for your physical and mental health. They also are only possible if you have somewhere quiet to (try to) sleep during the day without regular interruptions.

Night shifts usually start 7-8pm, so the fantasy au pair who didn't mind being out of the house all day while OP slept would be supervising OP's son who can't - because of his disability - cope with change etc. OP would arrive home about 8-9am,, leaving fantasy au pair to ensure that her son had gone to school. Fantasy au pair would also presumably be supervising OP's son during the day at weekends out of the house so that OP could sleep.

Um. Not sure that you thought that through tbh.

The problem with moving to a cheaper area is that there are always fewer jobs. Zero hours contract are the norm. Public transport is hit and miss and expensive.

And on what basis is OP 'not a grafter'? She said in her OP that she worked full time until a couple of years ago when it became possible to work because of the needs of her son with SEND, and school regularly phoning her to collect him. Now she works mornings as she needs to be 'on call' for her son in the afternoon.

OP would be able to work full time if her child's needs were being met at school. She has described how this situation has become worse over the last 9 years, despite her continual fighting for his rights.

Being able to work full time would open up all sorts of possibilities, as would having a low, secure rent or what we used to call social housing.

The problem is that none of these things - adequate SEND provision, good, cheap housing or the ability to work full-time - are open to OP at the moment, which is why she feels so stuck.

@thehorseandhisboy has nailed it.

People are so quick to spew out "advice", which, when you look deeper, is simply snide, smug remarks hidden beneath a guise of being "helpful". There's also an obsession with being a competitive victim, where no one can ever be sad, lonely, upset, overwhelmed or drained, without hundreds of people piling in, explaining how they had it so much worse and coped. Often, these "experiences" they share are like comparing apples and oranges to OP's situation. Not vaguely similar, at all.

It's clear in this thread that many simply haven't experienced what it's like living with a partner or child with SEND or other disabilities. And by living, I don't mean your cousin's son who you see twice a year, or your friend's toddler who you baby sit once in a blue moon. I mean day in, day out, experienced and live through the difficulties that it brings.

OP has many different struggles to deal with. For most of us, she'll deal with more tomorrow than you deal with in a lifetime. To be naive enough to think that your little paragraph you've came up with after reading one page of this thread will be the saviour to all of OP's problems... Well, you're a little bit thick, aren't you?

Not one bit of "advice" given on this thread has been anything I'm sure, the OP hasn't thought of already. And for those calling her lazy- do you know what the word means? She works. She cares for her son full time. She's a single parent. What on earth is lazy about that?

But, sure. Let's keep on piling on on someone we know very little about, and rip her to shreds. Let's not offer a genuine hand hold or support, but tell her how shit she is. Let's big ourselves up because, afterall, all our egos need stroked daily and there's nothing better for it than kicking someone while they're already down. Let's continue to blame OP for her ex's actions, even though he's re-married and therefore, not a word OP says to him would make a difference anyway. Let's minimise how difficult a SN child can be. Let's continue to offer shit advice that is completely impractical for the here and now. Let's make someone totally expose their finances so we can judge and rip them apart.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

And to those who offered a genuine supporting hand- thank you.