To ask Tory voters what I do now.

[GailCindy]

I have a son who has SEND issues. I am trained as a senior nursery practitioner and have done a lot of courses to back up my college NVQs so I can look after children with quite severe disabilities in a range of settings but I like nurseries. On paper I could get a job for about 25k quite easily.

My son is 14 and has SEND issues. I worked full time until he was 12 and half way in year 7 when it became impossible to work and be a mother to him. Over the past 3-4 years, his support in school has dwindled so he now gets 10% of what is on his EHCP and none of it is 1v1. It is all in small groups which is better than nothing but not if it is only for 2 of 25+ periods he has in a week. My son is not violent or disruptive in the usual way. He will become very anxious and have panic attacks if he feels overwhelmed in any way by his surroundings or work. This sometimes mean he will cry or become very withdrawn and unable to sit in lessons. Rarely he will explode but he wont hit other people. It will be closer to self harming. Also, for reasons related to his ASD, my son goes through uniform/clothes/shoes much faster than other kids his age. Quite a bit of his DLA goes on uniform where I buy at least one item a month. Often 2 items. Plus other clothes.

They wont let him take his phone to school. I was part of several parents across the country who tried to protest these rules locally and nationally but the education minister backed the schools with these rules. My son has to travel alone to and from school because I work* for a few hours per day. He can become overwhelmed by something unpredictable happening so not having any contact (not even by phone box as he cannot carry money) on his way to and from school is terrifying. Plus they issue same day detentions for up to an hour so I never know when he is leaving school. Same for a club or event. The Xmas auditions ran 1hour past time until 630pm and they did not tell parents so we were all wondering where our kids were. Nobody answering school phones and of course we cannot call the kids.

These two things with school always ringing me and him needing to be able to contact me means I cannot do my job. We are not allowed phones in the nursery and it is not practical for the school to ring the office as much as they try and contact me which can be every day.

I had a partner but we recently split because of money issues. We couldn't afford to be together legally and it is too hard to maintain separate homes and finances and feel like a couple. That is a friend with benefits.

A special school might be better for my son and I thought as much from year 7 but guess what? Cuts mean that because my son can do his work alright he isnt eligible for a special school. One man from LEA told me that special schools are for kids with brain damage in wheelchairs now and not kids who can write and read. All of those are moved into mainstream he told me.

So the cuts mean that my son has to go to the only school with autism unit which is defunct due to lack of funding but people have the knowledge of what should be done at least. However he gets no support there so they'll regularly need me to get him. Lack of funding also means that he cannot go to a special school because they are now for people more disabled than him.

All of these things mean I can only work 3 hours a day because the only feasible job I could find that just happens to be in my field was to do the mornings in a nursery as a NVQ level 2 employee. I meet him when I can but it would cost me £15 a week to do so unless I walked there which would take an hour out of the other things that need doing. Therefore I only meet him when it combines with some other task which makes the bus fare worthwhile. I still can't work in the afternoons though because I have to be "on call" for him. If he needs to be collected which he often does, even if it is at home time, they will not let him leave alone distressed or in a cab. So either me,his dad,or my recent ex has to collect him. His dad lives 150 miles away. My recent ex had to work all the hours God sends to provide for us all (he has kids himself). So it is me.

MY UC housing allowances does not cover my housing costs by £150 so that comes out of our living expenses. That's because the HLA is low, we are in private accommodation with no chance of local social housing for years and we need to live somewhere he can easily get to the places he needs to get to alone. This independence frankly means that he is more likely to put money back in society at some point. Moving would set us back and the nationwide shortage of services means that moving somewhere cheap and rural would mean he wouldn't get even the support he gets now.

Long story not so short we live on 100 pound a month ( including his DLA) after I've paid to not be evicted and to keep in contact with each other. That includes food, travel for me, clothes, treats, replacement furniture, everything. The only luxury we have according to budgeting sites is wifi but really my son would never pass his GCSEs if he didnt have good internet at home. Streaming off of a phone to laptop does not work well enough to access all the complex websites and programmes he has to use just to do compulsory homework. Good GSCEs means he will more likely earn money and pay taxes.

His dad gives CM but considering he has 6 dependents in his home, has bipolar and works "part time" according to them, it is barely enough for my son to have some pocket money for the trips he takes out with a social group of local SEND kids and the occasional treat related to his hobby which I use to get him to do stuff that he doesnt want to do and likely wont get support doing anyway because of the cuts. I mean things like completing assessments and exams. They freak him out big time.

I know this is pathetic and long but honestly AIBU to ask what do I do?

Every turn the Tories have cut off our options. I haven't bought a pair of knickers since last Xmas and they were from Primark and I'm literally praying someone buys me some this year because they are ripped and off colour. That is my life now. I'd love to go back to the job I trained so hard for given that I had a shit family who abused me and stopped me finishing school but the support just isn't there for me to leave my son. What do we do when BJ will just take more and more away and make it even harder for people like me who want to work but can't with such shit public services?

What a fucking horrible thread- full of privileged wankers who live in a bubble.

This is nothing to do with the Tories.

Labour spent money to such an extent the country was on its knees when the Tories won control. Austerity is all down to Labour.

I have a child with severe SEN and I voted Tory because they can do maths and know that a strong country is one that does not borrow til it's on its knees.

OP your ex works part time and only gives you a bit of money and doesnt financially support the rest if his kids or partner now. Yet you say he isnt a bad guy and instead blamed people who voted Tory? Not the man who keeps producing kids he cant support.

What about people whose tactical votes went horribly wrong? Voted for someone else in the hope of keeping the tories out. It didnt work? Have you asked them, what are you going to do?

Tax credits at one point was ridiculous and the country couldnt maintain it. JC wouldn't have made your life better or easier. Especially note in the foreseeable future.

We cant keep saying the tories have completely fucked the country, but then imagine JC could have fixed it overnight. If he could it wasnt that fucked.

I was in your position. Became a single parent, one child with asd and another older child. I had to move areas. I had to do what I could to make my life better.

Oliversmumsarmy you haven't addressed the point a pp made about when OP should sleep if she's working nights and her son's school is calling frequently throughout the day for her to pick him up

Atm she doesn’t answer her phone in the mornings anyway and as I pointed out a 3 bed place would be more appropriate.

Night shifts are usually 10pm -6am

I did say in the meantime that she should try to make it work by either getting a friend or a night sitter to sleep over and then when she comes in at 6.30am her Ds and friend/sitter would be getting up to get ready for school.

And yes I have worked nights. Not sure what “waking night” are.

I worked stacking shelves in a supermarket Friday,Saturday and Sunday nights then at 6am I got home, (supermarket was 10 minutes from my place) had a couple of hours kip then got up and walked to work for my 9-5 job

Maybe my body clock is different but I quickly got used to it and didn’t think it was such a big deal. Used to work in a pub on Tuesday,Wednesday and Thursday evening.

The “fantasy au pair” as you describe them would be put of the house during the day as if you had read my pp my friend got someone who was a student in the local college so was out of the house all day.
And it would only be for 5 days per week not 7.

Given i know someone who made this type of thing work then it isn’t beyond the realms of possibilities.

One of my suggestions was that op moved but within a radius of her ds’s school.

I deal on property and think £1700 per month for I presume a 2 bed flat in a not great area sounds quite steep.

I was suggesting with the job came the opportunity of not being restricted by being a DSS tenant and so it opened up the market for quite nice 3 bed places for less money than she is paying atm.

I was trying to shift GailCindy mindset of thinking of how much she was getting in benefits first and then looking at how much a job affected that but rather getting a job that could work round her Ds then looking if there were extra benefits that could top up the salary.

@Oliversmumsarmy I think even the most amazing friends would struggle to committing to sleeping over with the OPs son every night through the week, that's just not reasonable or realistic.

Who is paying the night sitter for 8 hours ? If the OP got a night shift job on a low wage, the night sitter would take most of that ? Is the son comfortable with new people or would he have a meltdown at being met by a new face through the night which would increase his anxiety and self harming further ?

As for the suggestion of doing a degree, who would fund that and a move closer to the school who pays the moving fees ?

Life just isn't that simple when there are others factors at play

I am sure that there are other schools with similar units attached although I can see them being over subscribed

Astounding !!!

Tigger001

As I said a friend doing the odd night. Wasn’t expecting 1 person to commit to every night.

Even stacking shelves is minimum £8.50 per hour outside of London.
More like £10 per hour in London.

As for the suggestion of doing a degree, who would fund that and a move closer to the school who pays the moving fees

Now you are just making things up.

Where did I mention that op should do a degree?

I was trying to show there were other options based on people I have met over the years who have been in a similar position but maybe it is all too difficult to actually do anything to try and improve things.

Maybe the best thing is for the op to give up.

OP.

I'm shocked at the results of the poll. What has happened to compassion and recognising that the system can and does push people to the end of their tethers.

I wish I had some advice for you, my dear. Please dont think that no-one cares.

Yanbu 😞

@Oliversmumsarmy I am genuinely sorry if it wasn't you who mentioned her doing a degree, I despise being misquoted so apologies.

But my Point stands on the others.

So she gets a job working nights but only has a friend who can do an odd night, who does the others?

Whatever the going rate is in the area for stacking shelves will be not far off or less than a night sitter who can deal with additional needs or disabilities ?

Who pays for her moving costs, when she finds this cheaper accommodation closer to the school ?

There are plenty of ideas but they are not options unless they are financially viable to the OP.

So the people who you met with disabled children, who requires collecting from school nearly every day, whilst being a lone parent in an area with no other specialist school with restricted finances who work nights
how long did their friends continue to sit through the night for them ?
Was it a long term solution ?
How did their child react if they woke through the night and had a meltdown due to it not being mum their ?

It's not about the OP not trying, I'm damn sure she us, it's about there not being the support out there and giving realistic suggestion of help

Honestly op I would move. Ignore what some posters think about the north- for 500 a month you could rent a nice house in a pleasant area. It’s not all slums here. Schools are perfectly fine plenty of sen provision (well as much as there is in the rest of the country) and some pretty decent housing associations too. There are always jobs if your qualified and looking. I hate the view people on mn have of the north

So sorry OP but I do t think it would be any better under Labour.
Yes there have been horrendous cuts under the Tories and I also have a child with SEN.

For five years I didn’t work and claimed full benefits as I just couldn’t cope with all the calls pulling me out of work. You e been advised wrongly about special schools too. My son attended a special school and will be starting at a special needs sixth form college after a Xmas. He can also sit and do his work even though he does have learning difficulties. He’s certainly not in a wheelchair.

For those denying any Tory influence in SEND provision I can assure you there have been MASSIVE cuts not just in education but also in support services. As for child mental health support it’s been decimated to such an extent that only the very worst cases are seen. There’s a whole load of chikdren who need MH support but don’t get it as it’s been cut to the bone and beyond..

I agree with others...if you think your son’s MH would cope with it Id look at moving North to be nearer people you know. It’s beautiful in the North and rents are much cheaper.

It seems that the focus of the problem is the school regularly ringing you through the day and the fact that when they do you have to pick up your son - meaning if you were childminding you couldn't go to collect him.

I think I'd explore with the school what options there might be to resolve that problem.

Either they stop calling you and just cope with whatever happens or they arrange transport for your son to get home.

If you could resolve that problem then childminding could be a really good option and you could get rid of benefits altogether.

A labour govt was going to raise money spent on public services. Borrowing is v cheap at the moment. For a govt raising money through bonds the interest rate is so low that when offset against inflation it is negative. It actually makes total financial sense. It's a question of political will. Labour's plans really were for the many not the few. Bojo is oblivious of normal lives and problems. He comes from a very privleged background with no experience of the difficulties most ppl face - but he also isn't interested.

All those ex labour voters are thick ignorant unthinking ppl who read the daily fail and believe what they are told.

Oliversmumsarmy a 'waking night' is when you're awake all night, rather than sleeping in.

I used to be at college all day, then waitress until the small hours. Also had periods of having two jobs including shift work.

The night shifts were 8pm-8am; if they were only 8 hours long x 5 days a week, the money wouldn't have been enough.

The key factor was that I was late teens/early 20s with no dependents. I was great at surviving on little sleep, walking or cycling everywhere and hardly spending any cash (lived on tips when I was waitressing, no time to buy anything).

I'm now 50 and sensible enough to know that I couldn't do it for any length of time now without serious health consequences.

I don't know how old OP is, but with a child of 14 she's unlikely to be in her 20s.

And, finally, have you tried moving as a private tenant recently? The cost is astronomical. People need to find at least two months rent in advance, possibly a deposit on top, and obvs fund the move and associated admin.

It isn't OP's 'mindset' that is the problem. If you read her posts, she's put a lot of thought into addressing and thinking about her situation and what she can do to improve it.

The problem is that the things that she needs to make changes - adequate provision for her son, decent, affordable housing, full time work for her , a benefit system that doesn't require claimants to devote their waking hours to manoeuvre it - aren't there.

Tigger001

I was giving the friend suggestion as a temporary option until op can get off HB and move into a 3 bed flat.

Atm I suspect she is on HB and landlords either can’t (because they are subject to the terms of their mortgage conditions) or won’t (some because they have had their fingers burned before) rent to her which leaves her options limited to really shit stuff no one wants or stock that is massively over priced.

As I said I don’t know exactly where in London she is but £1700 for a 2 bed flat in the normal Rightmove type market sounds quite steep.

If she could hold down a job for a month then her options could massively widen.

The temporary logistics would have to be worked out.

But once in a 3 bed place (as I said I have a friend who did something similar) through an agency she could get a au pair/student who needs bed and board in exchange for 5 nights per week being around as a sitter. For my friend she needed to someone to be in the house to watch her nursery age child in order to go to work but having gone through a messy divorce and needing to work away and not having a great deal of spare money it actually worked out as a very cheap option.

For the girl who came to live with them she got a nice room, no rent, no bills, meals and a few quid each week. She couldn’t afford/didn’t want to pay rent bills and food in a student shared house. She was quite local and also had a p/t job during the day so was there throughout the year

It worked out for both of them

The other alternative is op moves to be nearer her recent ex or where she has support and does something similar but with the help of family or ex having Ds over night or someone sleeps over.

I have 2 children who have SENs one because of having a flair for a certain subject was able to get into a specialist private school that had an excellent SEN department

The other had their education wrecked by no support despite having an EHCP which recommended one to one lessons to help him.
As soon as he had his EHCP all help dried up. The school actually got rid of its SEN department

I know exactly what the op is going through and ultimately you have to decide what you need to do.

I gave up battling with the school and took him out of the education system altogether just so he could learn to read and write.

He wasn’t learning anything at school.

This was during a Labour government so I think blaming the Tories isn’t the answer when it became shit during Labour.

I was trying to make some practical suggestions but at some point if you are in a mess then sitting batting away every suggestion because it isn’t perfectly worked out and will take effort is only going to continue the status quo

Sometimes I wonder if not doing anything and living with the drama has become so ingrained that actually doing something different and actually getting life to work and being calmer isn’t something some people want.

This thread has saddened me more than any other for a long time. Some of the practical and helpful suggestions are horrendous.
Where do you find a lovely helpful student (or similar) who will look after a teenager with SEND and have the skills to do so in exchange for bed & board?
Also working for a month will not magic up references, moving costs, a bond and all the other huge costs of moving.
I work with families similar till Op and can assure you scoops do ring frequently for parents to collect children as they cannot cope. Schools are on their knees financially and an ehcip is not worth anything if the school haven’t got any money to implement it.
Schoo funding, cahms, etc have been cut too their bone. DLA and PIP claims (designed to help) are being turned down left right and centre. Need I go on? I have some this job for many years and have never seen the position so dire.

stargazer2030 so what do you suggest?

@Oliversmumsarmy you stop with your idiotic ideas and leave the thread. Nothing you've suggested has been workable. Absolutely daft, stupid, ridiculous, insane ideas. But you think you're oh so smart. Go and gloat about your life elsewhere. No one needs to read in every post you make about how you helped yourself. You clearly didn't do a very good job as you come across like a complete arsehole. Maybe work on your stinking attitude then come back to gloat about how great you are

What part of my posts was gloating.

I ask again to those that are dismissive of people’s suggestions what do you suggest.

@PepePig
The only person here that has a bad attitude is you, you are the one that name call, because you do not agree with another poster, perhaps follow the advice you have just handed out.

@Teenangels no thanks. I'm not in the business of kicking someone when they're already down and telling them, repeatedly, how lazy they are. If I have a bad attitude because I'm fed up of watching particular users bully OP, then that's fine by me.

Her suggestions were stupid. Hence why plenty of posters have came along and disproved the plausibility of every single one of them. I love this completely made up idea that young people are so desperate for money and board they'd stay in a stranger's house overnight to mind a child with SEND. Not only is it a silly idea, it's also completely irresponsible. Most young people don't have SN training and qualifications. Most don't have practical experience of dealing with meltdowns- and if they did, they'd likely have a day job and not need to be a glorified babysitter. A stranger will likely stress OP's child out more. All for what? So OP can earn pennies in a shop overnight? How does she afford to pay them? This isn't even taking into account that said stranger could be a threat/danger to her child and home. And, you know, the fact that if OP has to collect her son from school the next day, when does she sleep?

I think OP should devise a plan for the next few years. But not at the expense of her mental health. If she needs to quit work to be a full time carer for the mean time, then I'd back her on that. Even until the school buck up their ideas and start managing things properly. I think if she wants to move, it should be to somewhere she feels comfortable, and when she is ready to do so. Also, somewhere where she has a school place lined up and a job. It isn't just as simple as leaving. Disrupting her son's routine will also likely cause a lot of stress as well.

But my ideas are just as irrelevant as everyone else's. What I think, what everyone else thinks- it doesn't matter. OP knows her own situation better than all of us. What probably would help is a kind, listening ear. A bit of support and encouragement.

Not "I dealt with it so you need to do what I did or you're shit". That's just pathetic.

I love this completely made up idea that young people are so desperate for money and board they'd stay in a stranger's house overnight to mind a child with SEND

It is usually known as being an au pair and is quite a popular idea that it is worldwide.

Certainly didn’t make up the idea of au pairs.

Also don’t think £10 per hour is pennies.

@Oliversmumsarmy

SEND parent here who has looked into au pairs.

No reputable agency will consider sending an inexperienced young student to a home with a SEND child.

Au pairs are paid pocket money on top of receiving board and lodging of approx £100 per week.

Due to Brexit au pair applications are at an all time low and it's a waiting list in many cases

OP have you reported your school's failure to meet provision for your son to Ofsted?

That's where I would start.

Legomadx2
Labours woes at the end were due to a global recession. The tories did not need to impose austerity it was ideological, in fact the countries who did not impose austerity came out of the recession quicker and in better shape. These are all economic facts.

The note of no money left was a running joke that had been going on for years by both labour and tory governments, now part of huge tory spin but these things can be checked and read about on the Internet.

Tory borrowing is more also fact, go look at the figures.

The fact that you and others state so many lies and disinformation and yet you are a parent of a sen/disabled child shows why so many voted tory.
So eager to believe spin and half truth and not really caring about their actions.

The cuts to camh, schooling, NHS, disability benefits and benefits in general have worsened the position for the majority of sick and disabled and otherwise vulnerable. These are facts. The working poor who were turned against the non working poor have all had their income lessened under a tory government.

People can read about it or go talk to those who work in housing associations, cab or food banks. Go talk to those who work in mental health services, teachers, doctors, social workers. The very people who should be able to help the op can't because of severe cuts and policy changes.

They can listen to real life experiences like the ops and other threads on here.
But they would rather not, why? you and others on here, must be uncaring if you can't even look at facts, hear stories, see the structural built in inequalities that people have to deal with.

Someone said that people in the UK vote to make other people more worse off than themselves. So true. Something horrible deep inside far too many British people.

The vast majority of people posting uncaring and unneeded advice on these threads do come across as not understanding the issues. They also show that they lack empathy and basic human decency. People ask for help and advice but instead they see a need to put the boot in and kick others when they are down. Disgusting behaviour.