To ask Tory voters what I do now.

[GailCindy]

I have a son who has SEND issues. I am trained as a senior nursery practitioner and have done a lot of courses to back up my college NVQs so I can look after children with quite severe disabilities in a range of settings but I like nurseries. On paper I could get a job for about 25k quite easily.

My son is 14 and has SEND issues. I worked full time until he was 12 and half way in year 7 when it became impossible to work and be a mother to him. Over the past 3-4 years, his support in school has dwindled so he now gets 10% of what is on his EHCP and none of it is 1v1. It is all in small groups which is better than nothing but not if it is only for 2 of 25+ periods he has in a week. My son is not violent or disruptive in the usual way. He will become very anxious and have panic attacks if he feels overwhelmed in any way by his surroundings or work. This sometimes mean he will cry or become very withdrawn and unable to sit in lessons. Rarely he will explode but he wont hit other people. It will be closer to self harming. Also, for reasons related to his ASD, my son goes through uniform/clothes/shoes much faster than other kids his age. Quite a bit of his DLA goes on uniform where I buy at least one item a month. Often 2 items. Plus other clothes.

They wont let him take his phone to school. I was part of several parents across the country who tried to protest these rules locally and nationally but the education minister backed the schools with these rules. My son has to travel alone to and from school because I work* for a few hours per day. He can become overwhelmed by something unpredictable happening so not having any contact (not even by phone box as he cannot carry money) on his way to and from school is terrifying. Plus they issue same day detentions for up to an hour so I never know when he is leaving school. Same for a club or event. The Xmas auditions ran 1hour past time until 630pm and they did not tell parents so we were all wondering where our kids were. Nobody answering school phones and of course we cannot call the kids.

These two things with school always ringing me and him needing to be able to contact me means I cannot do my job. We are not allowed phones in the nursery and it is not practical for the school to ring the office as much as they try and contact me which can be every day.

I had a partner but we recently split because of money issues. We couldn't afford to be together legally and it is too hard to maintain separate homes and finances and feel like a couple. That is a friend with benefits.

A special school might be better for my son and I thought as much from year 7 but guess what? Cuts mean that because my son can do his work alright he isnt eligible for a special school. One man from LEA told me that special schools are for kids with brain damage in wheelchairs now and not kids who can write and read. All of those are moved into mainstream he told me.

So the cuts mean that my son has to go to the only school with autism unit which is defunct due to lack of funding but people have the knowledge of what should be done at least. However he gets no support there so they'll regularly need me to get him. Lack of funding also means that he cannot go to a special school because they are now for people more disabled than him.

All of these things mean I can only work 3 hours a day because the only feasible job I could find that just happens to be in my field was to do the mornings in a nursery as a NVQ level 2 employee. I meet him when I can but it would cost me £15 a week to do so unless I walked there which would take an hour out of the other things that need doing. Therefore I only meet him when it combines with some other task which makes the bus fare worthwhile. I still can't work in the afternoons though because I have to be "on call" for him. If he needs to be collected which he often does, even if it is at home time, they will not let him leave alone distressed or in a cab. So either me,his dad,or my recent ex has to collect him. His dad lives 150 miles away. My recent ex had to work all the hours God sends to provide for us all (he has kids himself). So it is me.

MY UC housing allowances does not cover my housing costs by £150 so that comes out of our living expenses. That's because the HLA is low, we are in private accommodation with no chance of local social housing for years and we need to live somewhere he can easily get to the places he needs to get to alone. This independence frankly means that he is more likely to put money back in society at some point. Moving would set us back and the nationwide shortage of services means that moving somewhere cheap and rural would mean he wouldn't get even the support he gets now.

Long story not so short we live on 100 pound a month ( including his DLA) after I've paid to not be evicted and to keep in contact with each other. That includes food, travel for me, clothes, treats, replacement furniture, everything. The only luxury we have according to budgeting sites is wifi but really my son would never pass his GCSEs if he didnt have good internet at home. Streaming off of a phone to laptop does not work well enough to access all the complex websites and programmes he has to use just to do compulsory homework. Good GSCEs means he will more likely earn money and pay taxes.

His dad gives CM but considering he has 6 dependents in his home, has bipolar and works "part time" according to them, it is barely enough for my son to have some pocket money for the trips he takes out with a social group of local SEND kids and the occasional treat related to his hobby which I use to get him to do stuff that he doesnt want to do and likely wont get support doing anyway because of the cuts. I mean things like completing assessments and exams. They freak him out big time.

I know this is pathetic and long but honestly AIBU to ask what do I do?

Every turn the Tories have cut off our options. I haven't bought a pair of knickers since last Xmas and they were from Primark and I'm literally praying someone buys me some this year because they are ripped and off colour. That is my life now. I'd love to go back to the job I trained so hard for given that I had a shit family who abused me and stopped me finishing school but the support just isn't there for me to leave my son. What do we do when BJ will just take more and more away and make it even harder for people like me who want to work but can't with such shit public services?

Not a Tory voter but I agree with pps that you need to forget the Westminister shit show and do everything you can for yourself. We can't trust any of them, Labour included unfortunately. Please ignore the awful comments on here. Some people just love a chance to patronise and be absolute arses to anyone who doesn't fit their wee box.

Could I offer some advice to the person in the 'squeezed middle' on £50-100k who has nothing left to spare? Because I'm in the same bracket. You need to look at your spending. We were at the middle of that bracket when I went back to work after mat leave, with childcare for twins under 1, a mortgaged house in an expensive city and loans from training to get good jobs. We still had more disposable income AFTER all the essentials were covered than the op has to buy food, clothes and transport.

Money doesn't grow on trees but from a macroeconomic perspective it does grow. If the ops sons school had funds for 1:1s, generating school hours jobs bringing (probably) women back into work, reducing benefits claims and increasing taxes. Theyd spend their new income, increasing demand, generating jobs, reducing unemployment and benefits, increasing tax income, increasing spending, generating more jobs...

I am so intrigued as to where these sorts of views come from. Whichever party you support do you genuinely think that there shouldn't be support for disabled and SEN kids and their families?
Of course I think there should be support for disabled people and their carers. But I don’t think that support should be provided so perfectly healthy people can sit on their bums and not work. Obviously OP as the main carer finds it difficult to work, but there’s no reason why the lazy deadbeat dad can’t work, or why the new partner can’t work. Saying he can only work “to suit his contact hours” is ridiculous - millions of dads work full time and have their kids on evenings and weekends.

His dad does work. He has bipolar though so his ability to work is limited. Additionally he has a child with more severe disabilities than our son and 5 other children to consider. 2 of which are his own twins with his wife.

Even if we were together or I was working full time, he couldn't work more without further making his own illness worse. He isn't perfect believe me but he isn't in a great position himself.

Your entitlement will be less because of overpayments from Tax credits and advances, when you moved over to UC, your tax credits could have been paid for that month you can not receive both.

My most recent ex works 50 hours per week and has his kids on weekends so his disabled ex can have a break and he can see them. In his job, weekend work is time and half on Saturday and Double time on Sunday and Bank Holidays. He works all Bank Holidays for that reason. None of us are bums.

What was he doing having six kids when he couldn’t support them? It’s a self created situation but then he wants to be bailed out by the government. I find that unreasonable.

@Teenangels

But I got my TC weekly as I requested so there was never an overpayment. The week I signed onto UC, I never received a TC payment again. The IR have confirmed that they have never paid me too much money but this is what they have to do. I also never got an advance because I had a bit of savings when I first stopped working. About a month and a half of my income from working. I didnt need to get the 1k they kept offering me.

@Illeana

He had 2 pregnancies with his new wife. 3 kids come out of them. She had 3 kids. He doesn't support them much financially other than his CM being reduced a bit because he lives with them. Changing that wouldn't magically help me and my son much. I think it would be about 24 pound a month. Wouldn't get me back in work and would probably come out of something else in the end anyway.

I'm so shocked at some of the comments on here.

Tory education policy (especially SEN) education policy is so short sighted.

If SEN children were adequately educated then thousands of parents would be able to work rather than having to resort to being at home. I'm a solicitor who has to be at home because my 2 supposedly high functioning kids have no appropriate school locally and could not cope with residential. I am able to work because I have the skills to do so and my profession allows me to do so remotely but many many people in my position cannot.

Children like my children have so much to offer to society as adults if their educational needs can be met.Local Councils break the law routinely with regards to implementing EHCP because they know MOST PARENTS cannot afford the £5 - £10K legal fees to fight in a SEN Tribunal. They get away with breaking the law and DO NOT CARE.

These are children who want to learn. Many have mental health needs that are not been met because of CUTS to CAMHS services. They have to be killing themselves in order to be seen. Many do kill themselves before they are seen.

I am repeating the point but this is the 5th largest economy and OUR CHILDREN are being failed. It's bloody disgraceful and unbelievable that many posters on here REFUSE to acknowledge the problem by asking how would labour have made TODAY different.

This is a ticking time bomb, these children are more likely to need adult services because they are being failed as Children.

So the OP is right. This is not about not wanting to work. She wants to work she just can't because her son's needs, like thousands of disabled children up and down the country are not being met.

Your tax credit was paid from the previous year so there was a over payment. Your Tax credit would have a been an overpayment even if you applied for UC.
I can help you bit you still have not said if your ex is on the tenancy as this would be classed as an untidy tenancy and you will not get all of the rent element.
Nor have you said what DLA rate your son receives

I've asked for proof of what weeks/months I was paid over my yearly entitlement but they will not produce them. UC just say that is the system and IR say they have to instruct the payment but could not explain why they take it from me if I have not actually received a penny over my entitlement. Not could either explain why some months is 46 pound and others as much as 120. In fact, they usually hang up on me if I dont accept their answer that the calculation is correct. One time they didnt hang up properly and I could hear them laughing with a colleague on the other end. I complained via their website and asked for the call to be listened to and they said they didnt record it.

People who say they have nothing left after mortgage, pension, childcare, car etc miss the point that YOU HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THESE THINGS. I am one of those so called squeezed middle people 60k income, mortgage etc. I feel bloody lucky. If I needed more disposable income, I can downsize, remortgage, sell stuff, cut the kids clubs etc. I can get access to cheap loans etc I would never dream of telling someone in rented accommodation or a low income, oh poor me, I'm squeezed so hard wah wah. I'm not completely lacking in empathy I know working hard and barely having much to spend on yourself or having little time with the kids is hard, I live it but let's not pretend we aren't in a better position than many others.

No my ex isnt on the tenancy and never was. We did have a joint UC claim. As I keep saying, IR says there has never been a time I received too much money. In fact now according to my calculations over 3 years, and calculating the repayments I've made, I'm about 1.5k down on TC in total. These calculations were made by a debt advisor who had ever heard of this overpayment thing but was always puzzled by how UC calculate some people's entitlement and the amount they take out each month.

Your entitlement will change due to it being a 4 or 5 week assessment. Are you paid 4 weekly or monthly.

I've said somewhere already that he gets the middle rate for personal care. Nothing for mobility now.

What UC? I get paid same date every month. I used to get TC weekly. So far they've taken nearly 500 for this overpayment. IR says it is 800+. As I said, some months theyd take minimal money,these days it is more since I started working 15 per week.

@GailCindy I am trying to help, and don’t have time to read all posts, I am sorry.
Are you paid 4 weekly, weekly etc

What would you have done if there hasn't been an election? Do that.

I just said I'm paid the same date every month. I know you think you can help like many other people who work in the benefit system but I've really been through every option including the facebook group and local services in debt management,CAB etc and all of them say just to appeal because it doesnt seem right but the appeals go nowhere. You can work out exactly what they say I should get each month which is around 2k but I actually get less than half of that to my account. I originally got my housing costs paid directly to LL but stopped that so all my entitlement would be in one complete payment and it would be clear how that compares to calculations. It is much, much less but UC say the calculations are an estimation and my statements are correct.

They reckon up to 60% of UC customers are underpaid.

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal

I'd do the same as now. Keep living on a pittance and unable to replace clothes or furniture (even 2nd hand) so our home and appearance will slowly degenerate into something out of Victorian East End. I will not work and put any money back into society via taxes. My son will not have a decent education and never gets job so he will also feain society until his premature death. Probably from suicide given he is male with mental health issues.

But that's the last thing the tax payer will pay for him, his funeral. So you'll be happy there. That's if they still give funeral benefits of course. If not I'll have to donate his body to science like they had to in the olden days when you couldn't afford to bury them. That's if I'm still alive of course. We might have made a pact by then.

Sounds bleak and I am being ironic here but that isn't a unrealistic future for people in our shoes.

I totally understand, I was working when I first became a single parent, after paying my rent & Bill's, I had £54 a week for food, clothes & anything else we needed. Some weeks I had to choose between paying the rent & bills or buying ds new shoes or a warm coat for the winter. I had a partner but like you we were better off both maintaining our own homes than living together, it just shows how wrong our society has become.

He doesn't support them much financially other than his CM being reduced a bit because he lives with them
Living with them doesn’t excuse him from his responsibility of supporting them. If he couldn’t afford the first three then why did he have three more?

Your UC is paid the same day every month.
Your wages from your employment are they paid monthly, 4 weekly etc.
I am trying to help but if you rather I didn’t then ok.
I would suggest you move to somewhere cheaper if you do not want to top up your rent.