To ask Tory voters what I do now.

[GailCindy]

I have a son who has SEND issues. I am trained as a senior nursery practitioner and have done a lot of courses to back up my college NVQs so I can look after children with quite severe disabilities in a range of settings but I like nurseries. On paper I could get a job for about 25k quite easily.

My son is 14 and has SEND issues. I worked full time until he was 12 and half way in year 7 when it became impossible to work and be a mother to him. Over the past 3-4 years, his support in school has dwindled so he now gets 10% of what is on his EHCP and none of it is 1v1. It is all in small groups which is better than nothing but not if it is only for 2 of 25+ periods he has in a week. My son is not violent or disruptive in the usual way. He will become very anxious and have panic attacks if he feels overwhelmed in any way by his surroundings or work. This sometimes mean he will cry or become very withdrawn and unable to sit in lessons. Rarely he will explode but he wont hit other people. It will be closer to self harming. Also, for reasons related to his ASD, my son goes through uniform/clothes/shoes much faster than other kids his age. Quite a bit of his DLA goes on uniform where I buy at least one item a month. Often 2 items. Plus other clothes.

They wont let him take his phone to school. I was part of several parents across the country who tried to protest these rules locally and nationally but the education minister backed the schools with these rules. My son has to travel alone to and from school because I work* for a few hours per day. He can become overwhelmed by something unpredictable happening so not having any contact (not even by phone box as he cannot carry money) on his way to and from school is terrifying. Plus they issue same day detentions for up to an hour so I never know when he is leaving school. Same for a club or event. The Xmas auditions ran 1hour past time until 630pm and they did not tell parents so we were all wondering where our kids were. Nobody answering school phones and of course we cannot call the kids.

These two things with school always ringing me and him needing to be able to contact me means I cannot do my job. We are not allowed phones in the nursery and it is not practical for the school to ring the office as much as they try and contact me which can be every day.

I had a partner but we recently split because of money issues. We couldn't afford to be together legally and it is too hard to maintain separate homes and finances and feel like a couple. That is a friend with benefits.

A special school might be better for my son and I thought as much from year 7 but guess what? Cuts mean that because my son can do his work alright he isnt eligible for a special school. One man from LEA told me that special schools are for kids with brain damage in wheelchairs now and not kids who can write and read. All of those are moved into mainstream he told me.

So the cuts mean that my son has to go to the only school with autism unit which is defunct due to lack of funding but people have the knowledge of what should be done at least. However he gets no support there so they'll regularly need me to get him. Lack of funding also means that he cannot go to a special school because they are now for people more disabled than him.

All of these things mean I can only work 3 hours a day because the only feasible job I could find that just happens to be in my field was to do the mornings in a nursery as a NVQ level 2 employee. I meet him when I can but it would cost me £15 a week to do so unless I walked there which would take an hour out of the other things that need doing. Therefore I only meet him when it combines with some other task which makes the bus fare worthwhile. I still can't work in the afternoons though because I have to be "on call" for him. If he needs to be collected which he often does, even if it is at home time, they will not let him leave alone distressed or in a cab. So either me,his dad,or my recent ex has to collect him. His dad lives 150 miles away. My recent ex had to work all the hours God sends to provide for us all (he has kids himself). So it is me.

MY UC housing allowances does not cover my housing costs by £150 so that comes out of our living expenses. That's because the HLA is low, we are in private accommodation with no chance of local social housing for years and we need to live somewhere he can easily get to the places he needs to get to alone. This independence frankly means that he is more likely to put money back in society at some point. Moving would set us back and the nationwide shortage of services means that moving somewhere cheap and rural would mean he wouldn't get even the support he gets now.

Long story not so short we live on 100 pound a month ( including his DLA) after I've paid to not be evicted and to keep in contact with each other. That includes food, travel for me, clothes, treats, replacement furniture, everything. The only luxury we have according to budgeting sites is wifi but really my son would never pass his GCSEs if he didnt have good internet at home. Streaming off of a phone to laptop does not work well enough to access all the complex websites and programmes he has to use just to do compulsory homework. Good GSCEs means he will more likely earn money and pay taxes.

His dad gives CM but considering he has 6 dependents in his home, has bipolar and works "part time" according to them, it is barely enough for my son to have some pocket money for the trips he takes out with a social group of local SEND kids and the occasional treat related to his hobby which I use to get him to do stuff that he doesnt want to do and likely wont get support doing anyway because of the cuts. I mean things like completing assessments and exams. They freak him out big time.

I know this is pathetic and long but honestly AIBU to ask what do I do?

Every turn the Tories have cut off our options. I haven't bought a pair of knickers since last Xmas and they were from Primark and I'm literally praying someone buys me some this year because they are ripped and off colour. That is my life now. I'd love to go back to the job I trained so hard for given that I had a shit family who abused me and stopped me finishing school but the support just isn't there for me to leave my son. What do we do when BJ will just take more and more away and make it even harder for people like me who want to work but can't with such shit public services?

Sorry you are having a tough time but I don’t believe for one minute Corbyn or any other leaders would help you with this anymore than the Tories would. So yes YABU.

@Rosehip345

My first preference would not be for money to keep me at home. My first preference would be for money in schools so my son was supported and I would not be called in to calm him down or take him home so often. That way I could work in the job I love.

If they refuse to support my son in getting a proper education which will lead to him working and paying taxes, they could at least give us a livable level of benefit since I am severely restricted in the work I can do due to having to be a major support in school as well as home.

@Lumene

Just one or two policies related to benefits or school funding would change things enough for me to work a bit more and/or guarantee my son warns a wage in the near future. Right now we are in a place where we are considering anti depressants and anti anxiety medication at 14 years old. The chances of him being gainfully employed are diminishing by the day.

And thank you for all the supportive messages. I didnt start this thread because I expected people to come up with solutions. I knew what would happen. Some of my family vote Tory and did this year despite professing to love my son. They do exactly the same as here when I spell out the reality of my situation and finally either walk away and say that we can't carry everyone or they say my son should be put in a home. Youd think that would be hurtful but I laugh and say there isn't any left. Of course that would only ever be a last resort but I've already been told that would be very difficult unless he was sexually or physically violent towards me. So I'd have to get him to start hitting me if we go down that route.

OP
On UC there is a disabled child element, you will also get, carers element and the £287 you earn is disregarded and any over that is still counted and then you hey your rent for LHA, how many bedrooms do you have and if you earn under £132 you can keep your carers allowance.
The school issue is the school, my children are not allowed phones at school, they take them and turn them off when they go into school. Detentions are again to do with the school I have no idea what you think they Tory government can do about your son’s detentions

Your sons dad who can only work part time. Isn't he able to care for his son while you work?

This thread is sad as it shows a shocking lack of empathy. If you are well off, it is much easier to make effective decisions as you tend to be in a much stabler frame of mind. But if you are on low pay plus struggling with a child with special needs, it is altogether different. And of course better funding for children with special needs will help! Local government funding has gone down massively with the 10 years of austerity. Also I think society judges very harshly people who choose not to work, when the reality is finding work which fits in the needs of a child with special needs must be awful. Spending will go up under this Conservative government which is the only positive point that I can offer.

I really hope life gets easier for you and your son OP

@Teenangels

Schools are encouraged to take this no nonsense hardline approach which ignores special needs by the Tory Government. That's why they pointed to the education minister to support their decision to not allow any student a phone in school. Even if they hand it in. A new Government would change the ethos and the SEND provisions would mean they would have to apply rules with special needs in mind. But most importantly, they would fund SEND provisions.

I'm getting everything I'm entitled to plus I've done what others have advised such as claim CA as part of UC instead of separately. I'm left with 100 pound a month after housing costs. I've been to CAB,debt advisory (although thankfully I have no significant debt), various local support groups and charities on and offline. This has been slowly worsening for nearly 3 years now.

@TheGardenFairy

My son's dad has bipolar, lives 150 miles away so he pays cheaper rent and can provide a bit and has 3 other kids of his own plus 3 step kids. One of his kids is also autistic and non verbal in nappies aged 6 or 7. The only thing he could feasibly do differently is not claim his stepkids as dependents on CM but to be honest he's married to their mum and is the only father figure they know..

And if you're exhausted and badly fed it's incredibly hard to climb out of the hole, you just don't have the headspace for forward planning

Yes, this. Some people never get a chance to just sit down and think, let alone plan and research options for a future. They need real, realistic help and if that's not possible then just somewhere to get support. The pp who mentioned the Trussel trust - that sounds lovely.

Sometimes life is too hard to deal with except on a day to day, or even hour to hour basis.

It's all very well also people talking about making the school give the support needed on an EHCP - but sometimes they can't. The school where I'm a governor is nearly £100k in deficit this year and has had to lost three members of staff. At the moment we can meet the needs of the large proportion of children with EHCPs but next year.....who knows. The amount of money that the LA gives the school to implement the EHCP doesn't cover the actual cost of the support needed for that child and it's going to get worse. The local authority have already started turning new applications down because they can't fund them. These are children already in the school and the school is already having to manage their needs with no extra support and without being able to hire any TAs.

I don't think that some people from their cosy middle class lives actually grasp how difficult it is for other people.

I volunteer on a UC help page, your figures do not add up even with me taking you the lowest element on all and not including DLA into account. If you want to DM I can through it.

OP I feel for you. I also have a child with special physical needs. I’m going to the tribunal next week to appeal as we’ve lost her DLA this year. We’ve lost a lot of money recently in benefits. CA included.

I know you’ve been slated for making this political but it IS political. (How can issues such as schools, work, care etc NOT be political?!) Your son’s support at school is a political issue. Under the Tories schools’ budgets have been slashed year on year. I say this as someone who has worked in education for 20 years. Some schools are on their knees with the cuts. And who does it impact? The children and their families of course.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling in this way.

And yes I AM going to make it political and say that sadly this election wasn’t about education, the NHS, food banks, the poorest in our society. It was a single issue election based on some fanciful notion that we’ll be better off out of Europe. That we can ‘make Britain Great again’. Well that sounds just wonderful except soon we’ll be cut off from our European friends and making trade deals with America 😱

I know you’ve been slated for making this political but it IS political. (How can issues such as schools, work, care etc NOT be political?!) Your son’s support at school is a political issue. Under the Tories schools’ budgets have been slashed year on year. I say this as someone who has worked in education for 20 years. Some schools are on their knees with the cuts. And who does it impact? The children and their families of course

Yes, this. It is absolutely the direct consequence of a Tory government.

My recent ex does work full time (about 10 hours a day, 5 days a week). My son's dad does not work fulltime because he is disabled.

Then I dont get why you cant afford to live together because people voted the Tories in.

From what you have said, you cant afford it because what he pays in CMS means he cant support you and the benefits you will lose and you would need a bigger house. If tax credits came back tomorrow, you would still lose alot by living in together.

This is not because of the tories. You would be in that situation with labour and tax credits.

And yes I AM going to make it political and say that sadly this election wasn’t about education, the NHS, food banks, the poorest in our society. It was a single issue election based on some fanciful notion that we’ll be better off out of Europe. That we can ‘make Britain Great again’. Well that sounds just wonderful except soon we’ll be cut off from our European friends and making trade deals with America

JC spending spree wouldnt have happened. Some of these things would not have had enough money to improve them, not with all the other things he was going to spend on.

The Tory voters I know, didnt believe labours fairy tales. They did not believe any of these things would improve. The choice for them wasnt to shit on the poor. It's that the poor wouldnt see any inprovment under labour anyway.

Could you become a childminder? At home but could still have your son at home when he needs to be.

You'd need to get a v gd taxi driver to bring him home from school. But otherwise could work?

We need a minimum income of 12k pa for everyone. This country can easily afford that and it would save so much money in the end.

I'm so sorry for your situation OP. You will be in my thoughts.

PS take every penny you can. Don't declare it. You've got nothing to lose. And it's not wrong to steal a loaf when you're starving.

@Teenangels

My LHA is 302 per week. My rent is 420 per week. The calculator says I should get something close to 2k a month. Last month I got £640 and more than 500 of that has to go on rent and council tax. Every single month I appeal my UC but it isn't really an appeal. It is a recalculation and they say if there is a discrepancy, they will let me know. If I hear nothing, the calculation is correct. They take off some money every month which they pay to the inland revenue for an "overpayment". The Inland Revenue says they have never overpaid me BUT when you switch from TC to UC, mid tax year, some discrepancy happens and they need to get money back from UC which UC take from the person's entitlement on a monthly basis. This changes every month. In Novermber, they took £120. In October, they took £46. I did go from working full time and getting TC to not working at all and then to working 15hrs per week so I don't know if these changes caused admin errors or what but any appeals say they are paying me the right money.

Your situation wouldn't miraculously change if Labour got in yesterday. I feel for you but life is hard no matter who is in govt in a situation like yours.

@GailCindy2
How many bedroom do you have? If you are renting is your ex on the tenancy?
What rate DLA is your son receiving?
Are you receiving carers?
Calculators are not that great but if you would like I can work it out exactly if you PM or can point you to a Facebook group

@Marleyisme

As much as I love my most recent ex, sustaining our relationship isn't my top priority. I hope we can be friends and a support but my son and his kids are our priority.

If I worked full time and was progressing at the rate I was before, I'd earn enough for us to live somewhere slightly bigger in time and maybe we could blend our families. That cannot happen if my son isnt safe in school.

As it was, he was having to maintain a place to have his kids plus carry the load here where he stayed in the week when things got really bad for me. He doesnt earn much and we were advised that a joint claim and moving in together might make things more stable. His kids had stayed for some weekends so we thought it would work but it soon became clear that it was just too small once this was his base and their base too. Money was ridiculously tight and he could not both pay CM and give them the odd day out or new pair of shoes or a coat. It was horrible for everyone so we did the right thing and he moved out so he could support his family and I could sort out mine.

Child minding has always been a good option and something I could see happening before any full time outside work especially as I have qualifications in caring for SEND toddlers and babies. Many parents of SEND kids only have nursery as an option because staff need some special training for some kids when it comes to feeding and development and using special apparatus. So it is a really good option but not many parents especially of SEND kids would be happy to leave their kids with me while things with my son are so unstable. I'd have to leave and take the kids with me to pick him up which could take an hour with him upset. Would you? Even if you really wanted to help me out somehow? I know I wouldn't have left my son in similar circumstances.

2 bedrooms.

If you PM I can point you in the right direction as you don’t want to put earning etc on here,

@GailCindy2

I earn 134 per week.

You can do all the calculations you want but what they tell you will get isnt always what you get. Somewhere in your statement that number you say will appear but then they'll deduct lots of other things out of it until you are left with what you actually get. For me that's usually about 100 over my excess housing costs. Most I've got left has been 150. It changed every month by at least a few pounds even if my earnings are exactly the same. They say it is right. Advisory services say that's how it goes for everyone although some get lucky. They are the ones who told me to appeal every single month as some people get lucky and they do recalculate and they'll get a higher rate for a month or two.