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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not ok to call me a c**t in front of my 2 year old?

51 replies

ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 09:25

DH this morning.

I went to visit an old friend of ours last night. He was actually the one who introduced us to each other. I told DH weeks ago that it would just be him and his girlfriend wouldn’t be there and asked a couple of times if he could come to ours instead.

To not drip feed - 4 years ago I cheated on DH. It was before we married and before we had DS. I have never excused it - I never slept with the other person or anything but accepted at the time what I had done wrong and apologised and agreed to try hard to rebuild our relationship. We got married and it has hardly been mentioned since then.

Last night, he pretends not to know that my friend’s girlfriend wouldn’t be there. Then he goes abut slamming doors. I ignored him and went to bed. I then got him accusing me of cheating and shouting at me in front of DS. I did shout back but walked off. This then culminated in him coming and calling me a cunt over and over again in front of our son before storming out.

It’s not good, is it.

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 13/12/2019 09:31

Not good at all, in front of a child or anyone, or in front of no one!! Leave! Won't get better.

Floralhousecoat · 13/12/2019 09:40

What do you mean by 'cheating'? He may understandably feel angry and betrayed, but his behaviour is not on.

Your dh is gaslighting you and being verbally abusive. The door slamming is unacceptable as would frighten your child.

selmabear · 13/12/2019 09:46

You DH clearly will never get over what happened 4 years ago. He was very abusive towards you. If I were you I'd consider ending the relationship.

FizzyIce · 13/12/2019 09:48

While what he called you isn’t acceptable ,at all it’s doesn’t really matter what he called you as your ds won’t understand but he will understand you both shouting .
You have cheated in the past , your dh is obviously worried you’ll do it again and that’s on you not him .
It probably hasn’t been brought up before as you haven’t spent the evening alone with a man since then ?
It’s part and parcel of infidelity I’m afraid , you have to accept the knock on effects or leave

pickingdaisies · 13/12/2019 09:50

That would be it for me. He's just used it as an excuse to bully you. If you stay with him after this, he will know he can do it again. And in front of a four year old, what a maggot.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 09:57

I accept I shouldn’t have cheated. The physical cheating was just a kiss but I guess there was emotional cheating more than anything. I tried naively to keep it to a friendship but it went horribly wrong and I’ve regretted it ever since.

OP posts:
Original poster
ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 09:58

The cheating at the time was probably down to self esteem issues. Some guy came along and made me feel so good about myself that it turned my head. This isn’t an excuse - just a reason.

OP posts:
FizzyIce · 13/12/2019 10:03

I would leave then if you think he will bring this up time and time again , it’s not good for you or your child.
We all make mistakes and as hard as it is he can’t keep blaming you and shouting in front of your child ,that shit sticks with you . I remember it vividly

Original poster
ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 10:07

It’s a tough one because - apart from shouting in front of him - he is a good dad. But it’s all about actions I guess. Yes, he more than pulls his weight but have I got to the point where this is all I can hope for. Someone who isn’t a lazy prick but can’t provide any emotional support to me at all?

OP posts:
raspberryk · 13/12/2019 10:08

Divorcable offence.

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 13/12/2019 10:10

If he’s not over how you behaved previously (and he has every right to feel like he isn’t) then fine but no, it’s not acceptable to shout at you and repeatedly call you a cunt. Especially in front of your child.

In your shoes I would be reconsidering my relationship with him. This probably won’t be the last time he uses this as a stick to beat you with.

81Byerley · 13/12/2019 10:16

For everyone who says leave him. The name calling is bad, and definitely wrong, but I think if he was a woman posting on here, saying "Four years ago my husband kissed another woman and had an emotional affair with her. Tonight he went out with a female friend and I can't get it out of my head that he might have cheated on me again", there may have been different reactions.

Foslady · 13/12/2019 10:19

Calling you a cunt is not acceptable full stop - it shows a complete lack of respect for you. He obviously has never moved on, just buried it

ohwheniknow · 13/12/2019 10:22

asked a couple of times if he could come to ours instead

I don't understand this. Were you asking permission? Was permission refused? You asked your friend and he wasn't keen? What?

BeatriceTheBeast · 13/12/2019 10:26

Yes, he more than pulls his weight but have I got to the point where this is all I can hope for. Someone who isn’t a lazy prick but can’t provide any emotional support to me at all?

I think you've hit on something here and no, this isn't acceptable and nor is being called a cunt at all, let alone in front of your child.

Have you tried couples counselling? I would give it a go but plan not to stay in the relationship unless you can resolve this issue with the 'cheating' fairly quickly.

TheReef · 13/12/2019 10:27

He is NOT a good man or father. A good man/father does not call anyone a cunt or shout in front of his children!

Tbh it would be a deal breaker for me relationship wise.

For future reference it might not have been a wise call for you to have arranged to meet a man on your own, I understand your dh annoyance and I'd feel v insecure in his shoes, however that doesn't excuse his behaviour

PupsAndKittens · 13/12/2019 10:30

For everyone who says leave him. The name calling is bad, and definitely wrong, but I think if he was a woman posting on here, saying "Four years ago my husband kissed another woman and had an emotional affair with her. Tonight he went out with a female friend and I can't get it out of my head that he might have cheated on me again", there may have been different reactions.

Was literally going to post this myself. Everyone is always fighting for equality, yet is seen ok to treat females superior to men these day. Also we don’t know what else was said in the argument, the op could of been just as bad

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 10:32

He doesn't trust you alone with another man and that's understandable given your past.

I don't know that it's even verbal abuse considering you were giving as good as you got.

What's completely unacceptable is either of you shouting and swearing in front of a two year old.

Bluerussian · 13/12/2019 10:32

For goodness sakes, what is the matter with the man? You were not married when you kissed the other bloke, had no children - yes, you might have been committed to each other at the time but, let's face it, all you did was kiss. We all make mistakes and I can assure you I did stuff I regret when I was young.

Blimey, people do worse than that at office Christmas parties! The next day they carry on as normal, cheerfully, and don't look back.

Your husband is grossly unfair to still hang on to what was, in the scheme of things, a minor slip. You have moved on from that, married and had a child, what more of a commitment could there be?

Somebody needs to talk to him and steer him towards getting it into proportion. People 'forgive' more than that when they love and care for someone; if he was not prepared to draw a line under it he should not have married and had a child with you.

Stop apologising for your minor slip up, nobody died - you too need to see it in proportion, at the moment you are going around being 'hunched' and gloomy because of guilt but please forgive yourself. Nobody deserved to be punished for something they did in a different life.

Hold your head high and tell him straight how unreasonable he is, blowing things out of proportion and demoralising you. You're the mother of his child.

He definitely shouldn't have shouted at you in front of your little boy and certainly not used the C word. It was outrageous behaviour. I have to say I can't help wondering if he using your brief experience as an excuse to be nasty - and maybe more.

I would say the same if it was the other way around.

Be on your guard, ethel; I don't know your husband but I do not trust him. Rise above it, show confidence and let him know you will not stand for such nonsense.

Wine
ohwheniknow · 13/12/2019 10:33

Don't you find suggesting that any attempt at equity for women means men are being treated as inferior tedious? On account of it being so blatantly untrue and ridiculous.

recklessruby · 13/12/2019 10:33

Inexcusable. Personally I hate the word cunt and would be fuming at it.
But it s the whole way he s using it as a stick to beat you with. If he couldn't get past you cheating he shouldn't have married you.
The fact that a young child witnessed this (and probably will again) means you should leave.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 10:34

I don't understand this. Were you asking permission? Was permission refused? You asked your friend and he wasn't keen? What?

So friend is a mutual friend, and friend suggested coming to our house this time so he could also see DH. DH said no as he was worried friend might be loud and wake DS up. I didn’t think he would and wanted him to come over to see both of us. If I had insisted, DH wouldn’t have ‘over rules’ me I don’t think.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 13/12/2019 10:36

@81byerley Seriously?? This isn't what happened here, even reversing the sexes! If the OP had said 'my DH can't forget my EA' rather than 'he shouted at me and called me a cunt in front of our 2yo', she would have had different responses.

Cacklingmags · 13/12/2019 10:37

Well he is the cunt isn't he? Gaslighting, bullying you and your DC. So you kissed someone before you married his nasty arse - what kind of knob is he? I would give him the ultimatum - The last fucking time he ever mentions it or anything pertaining to it or he is out.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 10:37

He doesn't trust you alone with another man and that's understandable given your past

I don't know that it's even verbal abuse considering you were giving as good as you got

What's completely unacceptable is either of you shouting and swearing in front of a two year old

All fair points.

OP posts: