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AIBU?

To think it’s not ok to call me a c**t in front of my 2 year old?

51 replies

ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 09:25

DH this morning.

I went to visit an old friend of ours last night. He was actually the one who introduced us to each other. I told DH weeks ago that it would just be him and his girlfriend wouldn’t be there and asked a couple of times if he could come to ours instead.

To not drip feed - 4 years ago I cheated on DH. It was before we married and before we had DS. I have never excused it - I never slept with the other person or anything but accepted at the time what I had done wrong and apologised and agreed to try hard to rebuild our relationship. We got married and it has hardly been mentioned since then.

Last night, he pretends not to know that my friend’s girlfriend wouldn’t be there. Then he goes abut slamming doors. I ignored him and went to bed. I then got him accusing me of cheating and shouting at me in front of DS. I did shout back but walked off. This then culminated in him coming and calling me a cunt over and over again in front of our son before storming out.

It’s not good, is it.

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ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 10:39

Bluerussian thanks for your kind post.

OP posts:
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ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 10:41

FWIW I am truly sorry for the cheating. I feel very anxious and afraid when I think back to those dark times and what happened. It’s the single biggest mistake I ever made.

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thepeopleversuswork · 13/12/2019 10:47

No it's fucking well not. It's a LTB moment.

I don't think your previous cheating was that huge an offense, but I do wonder whether your relationship has run its course.

At any rate, though, there's absolutely no excuse for calling a spouse a cunt. Ever.

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BeatriceTheBeast · 13/12/2019 10:47

For everyone who says leave him. The name calling is bad, and definitely wrong, but I think if he was a woman posting on here, saying "Four years ago my husband kissed another woman and had an emotional affair with her. Tonight he went out with a female friend and I can't get it out of my head that he might have cheated on me again", there may have been different reactions.

Was literally going to post this myself. Everyone is always fighting for equality, yet is seen ok to treat females superior to men these day. Also we don’t know what else was said in the argument, the op could of been just as bad

Ugh, sorry, I can't take anyone seriously when they say "women say they want equality but...". And it's could HAVE. Sorry, I don't normally correct grammar.

I would HAVE reacted in exactly the same way if the op was a woman posting that her DH had 'cheated' and then she was storming around slamming doors and calling him a cunt repeatedly in front of her dc. I'd have said that was completely unacceptable and you should go for couples counselling or else call it a day.

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Foslady · 13/12/2019 10:47

@ethelfields I suspect that there was a lot going on at the time you kissed the other person and you have taken the blame for probably more than you should bearing in mind the way how you speak re these times - how was your partner then with you prior to the kiss?

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ohprettybaby · 13/12/2019 10:49

I find this one diffucult because I hate the 'C' word so if my DH called it me, knowing how I feel about it, I would split from him.

I don't think this is your problem though. I think the cheating issue has never been properly resolved. If I had cheated I would expect to have to prove I was worthy of DH's trust. I would ensure I didn't meet up alone with male friends to help my DH get over it and to prove I was making efforts for him.

I do agree with a PP's comments that if this was a poster saying their DH had cheated there would be a different response.

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BeatriceTheBeast · 13/12/2019 10:50

I also don't think a kiss and a possible emotional affair is grounds for this sort of banging, shouting and swearing. It really isn't. And I'd say the same if my DH cheated on me in this way, especially since it happened years ago, before you got married and had dc. Obviously it isn't ideal and of course you regret it, but I don't think it's worth shouting and slamming doors etc.

I do think you maybe would have been wiser not to have arranged to meet up with this guy on your own in the circumstances.

Also, were you "giving as good as you got"? You were shouting and swearing, banging doors etc too?

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ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 10:55

how was your partner then with you prior to the kiss?

Not great. I felt very lonely and unimportant at that time.

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ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 10:56

Also, were you "giving as good as you got"? You were shouting and swearing, banging doors etc too?

I didn’t slam doors or swear but I did shout. One of the times I shouted the loudest as as he was saying ‘cunt’ over and over to try and drown him out so DS could hear him. I was shouting ‘don’t say that in front of ‘DS’ name’

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ethelfleda · 13/12/2019 10:57

So DS couldn’t hear him that should say

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Branleuse · 13/12/2019 11:03

shouldnt be calling you a cunt, but then if i had cheated in the past, id probably expect to not have dates with male friends alone together, and if I did, expect it to throw up insecurities.

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Foslady · 13/12/2019 11:13

You were at a vulnerable time, he didn’t step up, you responded to someone who did and you are still getting the blame years later and having it thrown in your face.
If he wasn’t over it on your wedding day then you’ve always been on dodgy ground - he won’t trust you, despite everything you have tried to do since.
I think you need to look at life down the line and at what you want in5/10/15 years time.....

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HarrietTheFly · 13/12/2019 11:17

For everyone who says leave him. The name calling is bad, and definitely wrong, but I think if he was a woman posting on here, saying "Four years ago my husband kissed another woman and had an emotional affair with her. Tonight he went out with a female friend and I can't get it out of my head that he might have cheated on me again", there may have been different reactions.

Yes that would have got a different reaction because that is a different story.

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TheReef · 13/12/2019 11:17

For everyone who says leave him. The name calling is bad, and definitely wrong, but I think if he was a woman posting on here, saying "Four years ago my husband kissed another woman and had an emotional affair with her. Tonight he went out with a female friend and I can't get it out of my head that he might have cheated on me again", there may have been different reactions

That still doesn't excuse him calling the OP a cunt over and over again in front of their ds.

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GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 11:23

You were at a vulnerable time, he didn’t step up, you responded to someone who did and you are still getting the blame years later and having it thrown in your face.

Oh yes of course it's his fault that she cheated on him. I mean come on.

I kind of understand the posters saying it's not that big a deal that she kissed someone else (I personally disagree but get that people have different boundaries) but blaming him is ridiculous.

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Ragwort · 13/12/2019 11:23

Regardless of the history, if anyone used that word to me, whether in front of a child or not, I would not be in a relationship or friendship with them.

Your relationship is clearly toxic, end it now.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2019 11:35

@HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork
No he is not entitled to not get over it. He should have split with op. Instead he married her and went on to have a child with her. He was not entitled to do this if he wasn’t prepared to wipe the slate clean and to not do so makes any kind of cheating a life sentence. Murderers and rapists get less.

Ethel
I don’t consider an emotional affair, where you kissed to be much of a big deal especially as it was before you married and had a child together. This could have been a point from which you could make your lives stronger. But instead he is acting as though you should serve a lifetime of penance.

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ArgumentativeAardvaark · 13/12/2019 11:37

are you saying that in 4 years he has never “allowed” you to be alone with a man? If so, that is a problem in itself.

If this man is a mutual friend (and is also in a relationship), why does your DH think that you would cheat with him? Does he not trust his friend?
How did it escalate from him being reminded that gf was not here, to full on vicious name-calling? In our house we do bandy the c-word about quite a lot, but only in relation to other people, never ever ever to each other. And the thought of saying that in front of a toddler is beyond the pale. I think you have to stop the guilt about the affair (albeit while owning the fact that it was wrong) and move on from this awful man.

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YouSawThePlans · 13/12/2019 11:45

So your male friend wanted to see both of you in your house. Your DH worried it would wake DS. And rather than, arranging a visit at a time when DS wouldn't be sleeping or inviting the friend to your house anyway since you thought it wouldn't wake DS. The solution you came up with was to visit your male friend on your own at his house, when his gf was away.

Your DH shouldn't have called you a cunt. But when you both swept your cheating under the carpet, it was only a matter of time before it would trip you up. As a general rule, I think if you're the one that cheats, you're the one that has to make sure all future behaviour is above reproach.

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Dragongirl10 · 13/12/2019 11:47

He called you a Cxxx in front of your child repeatedly??

Over nothing....and it was nothing, you have done nothing wrong op.

please stop beating yourself up over a kiss before you committed to your DH...that really is nothing.

I would leave my DH if he did that in those circumstances.

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goodluckdontdie · 13/12/2019 11:59

I wouldn't be with someone who called me a cunt, whether it was in front of my son or not.

But yeah, the fact that it was makes it worse anyway.

You said you had self-esteem issues before, well I'd guess you still do, because you can do much better than a guy like that.

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Honeybee85 · 13/12/2019 12:01

You made a mistake but he continues making you pay for it. By being abusive to you in front of your child.

Maybe you feel like you deserve this (you don’t!!!!) but your little one certainly did nothing to deserve witnessing this. It’s damaging.

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CinderellasSecrets · 13/12/2019 12:15

The thing is, swearing and shouting at you in front of your child is absolutely not on should not have happened. However, I firmly believe that if you have cheated on someone in the past then you have got to accept that the trust will never fully come back and there will have be sacrifices to certain things if you have any chance of the relationship surviving. It may not have brought up but I can almost garuntee that your husband has worried about it and thought about it alot. You obviously accept that it was wrong to cheat, and that's fair enough but it doesn't change the hurt and betrayal he will have felt.

I don't think many relationships can survive cheating it is the ultimate betrayal, so if you can't accept what he needs from you (possibly no alone time with other men), and he is struggling to move on then I think the relationship needs to come to an end. Currently a relationship with no trust and a risk of arguments in front of a 2 year old is not a healthy relationship.

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Notodontidae · 13/12/2019 12:27

No excuse for using foul language, bad enough in front of you but a 2YO, it is totally unacceptable.
It does seem like you underestimated his deep rooted feelings about this trip though, did you discuss it it fully beforehand?

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lazylinguist · 13/12/2019 12:31

Nobody is excusing the cheating. But is this name-calling completely out of character? Does he generally treat you with respect? And did he treat you with respect before the cheating? If the answer to those is no, then you need to LTB.

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