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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum upset over contact arrangements

65 replies

PinkLuggage · 12/12/2019 21:42

I am RP.

DD, aged 5 goes to ExH 1 night after school for 2.5 hours, and then EOW for 24 hours.

ExH picks up from school and picks her up from me on his Saturday. Which means I pick up from him.

I have a car but DD has outgrown her carseat and I’ve not had the money to replace it as I don’t just want a £30 one off the shelf of Halfords. I will be able to afford a new one when I get a bonus in January from work (she’s been in a Maxi Cosy Pearl up until a few weeks ago so will be spending a similar amount on a group 2/3 seat I have been trying to save but being a single parent and her growing quicker than I anticipated I just haven’t managed it).

So for now we’ve been walking or in the rain getting the bus home. I absolutely don’t mind this. ExH lives just shy of 2 miles from me. I enjoy the walk and I use a back carrier for DD if we’re walking so I can do it in about 20-30 minutes with her.

My mum wants me to change the contact so I’m not in the cold and dark. She wants me to drop her to ExHs after school and him drive her home and me to drop on his Saturday so he drives her home Sunday night.

I really like the way things are. In the lighter evenings we walk it anyway as it’s a chance to have a chat and a bit of a wind down as her dad lives in a busy home (5 adults, 2 large dogs and several other children coming and going). DD prefers it this way, and although I could change it as the CAO only says we do one journey each, I like it this way.

It’s a 2 mile walk, on a main road with pavement all the way. The pavement has street lights and there are several shops (big supermarkets one of which is 24/7) and community centres along the route still open at this time that have CCTV and fully light up the paths. There are 2 buses an hour but the bus still only takes me to within half a mile of home.

I am almost 30 and considered quite capable within my work. DD is a happy, well balanced child who is doing well at school so don’t think I’m doing to badly.

Mum won’t take me to pick up DD as she says it’s too late for her (she’s up at 5am so understandable) but she doesn’t want me walking any part of it. She also doesn't want me taking a taxi with a "stranger" and would want my ExH to come in that with me (Taxi is an option occasionally and will probably be used over Christmas when the buses aren't running and DD is having contact)

So voting:-

YABU – And should just get a Taxi
YANBU – The walk is fine

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 12/12/2019 21:44

Tell
Your mum to butt out?

YesILikeItToo · 12/12/2019 21:47

The walk is fine. The taxi is fine too! I can’t choose how to vote, but I am sure that you should just carry on with your decision making and leave your Mum out of it. No one who uses taxis gets a mate to come with them and the return (alone?).

crochetandshit · 12/12/2019 21:48

I don't understand why you think your mum gets a say in this?
I mean, it sounds pretty grim in the winter but if you and your child are happy with it then just stop discussing it with her.
Either she can lend you the money until your bonus comes through (absolutely fair enough if she can't afford to or doesn't want to) or she can shut up.

NorthernSpirit · 12/12/2019 21:49

Your mum sounds quite controlling

Your mum wants you to change contact....
Your mum wants you to drop your daughter at EH’s....
Your mum won’t give you a lift....
Your mum doesn’t want you walking....
Your mum doesn’t want you to take a taxi alone (ridiculous)

Your child’s contact has nothing to do with her. It’s what a best for the child.

Keep it child focused and do what works for you (and cut the umbilical cord).

EL8888 · 12/12/2019 21:51

Sounds absolutely fine to me. The exercise and fresh air will be good for you both. Plus you chatting sounds perfect. Why change it? It doesn’t even directly affect your Mum

We regularly walk 2.5 miles to our in-laws and 2.5 miles back again. It’s a nice walk and we try to drive as little as possible

Original poster
PinkLuggage · 12/12/2019 21:51

My mum is quite a worrier, she knows about my arrangements as I mentioned the carseat.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 12/12/2019 21:52

Repeat ‘Mum I’m a grown up’

That it

Booboostwo · 12/12/2019 21:53

What does any of this have to do with your mum?!

You have a contact agreement that suits you, your Ex and your DD. That is a minor miracle, thank your lucky starts and tell your mother it’s none of her business.

Election2019 · 12/12/2019 21:54

I think your mum is overstepping the boundaries. You are your DD’s parent and it sounds like you are doing a good job. It also sounds like your ExH is happy with the arrangement so I can’t see why your mum feels the need to involve herself.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 12/12/2019 21:54

Why are you giving this even a second’s thought? Confused roll your eyes at your mum and carry on as you are. It has nothing to do with her. Why do you think you have to do as she says?

Booboostwo · 12/12/2019 21:54

Cross posted. Stop telling her things, then she has nothing to worry about.

Raphael34 · 12/12/2019 21:55

Tell your mum that it’s quite frankly none of her business. Learn to stand up for yourself ffs

Rachie1973 · 12/12/2019 21:56

Only thing I’d change is the back carrier. I’d not carry a 5 yr old.

Nicknacky · 12/12/2019 21:57

What does your mum think will happen in a taxi?

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 12/12/2019 21:58

It's none of your mum's business how you and your ex exchange your child.
When she talk about it just say ex and I are happy with the arrangement so its not an issue and change the subject.

abw94 · 12/12/2019 22:00

If she's that worried why doesn't she help you buy a new car seat and you pay her back when you can?

Original poster
PinkLuggage · 12/12/2019 22:03

What does your mum think will happen in a taxi?

She's worried me or DD will get assaulted I think.

If she's that worried why doesn't she help you buy a new car seat and you pay her back when you can?

She can't afford to have that money go out of her account at one time, she earns a hell of a lot less than me.

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 12/12/2019 22:07

Her worries seem quite exaggerated. Is that a one off or her usual approach? She may need some help managing her anxiety but you should definitely not allow it to spill into your and your DD’s life.

lanthanum · 12/12/2019 22:09

I wouldn't necessarily want my daughter doing that walk on her own in the dark, or catching a taxi alone - but she's 13. I'm pretty sure I'd be letting her by the time she reaches 16, let alone 29.

AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse · 12/12/2019 22:13

Unless it's like 10pm then she is being ott.
Just tell her. That's how it is until such time you can get a seat

PhoenixReincarnated · 12/12/2019 22:16

YANBU You need to point out to your mum that you're an adult and can make your own decisions. She needs to trust your judgement.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/12/2019 22:17

Why would you take dd in a taxi without a carseat?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/12/2019 22:21

Also if she is 5yo she can go into a high back booster using the car seatbelt which are much cheaper than a harness seat.

FlamingoQueen · 12/12/2019 22:24

Fresh air and chatting to your dd. Fab!

AppleKatie · 12/12/2019 22:25

This has got absolutely nothing to do with your mum.

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