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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum upset over contact arrangements

65 replies

PinkLuggage · 12/12/2019 21:42

I am RP.

DD, aged 5 goes to ExH 1 night after school for 2.5 hours, and then EOW for 24 hours.

ExH picks up from school and picks her up from me on his Saturday. Which means I pick up from him.

I have a car but DD has outgrown her carseat and I’ve not had the money to replace it as I don’t just want a £30 one off the shelf of Halfords. I will be able to afford a new one when I get a bonus in January from work (she’s been in a Maxi Cosy Pearl up until a few weeks ago so will be spending a similar amount on a group 2/3 seat I have been trying to save but being a single parent and her growing quicker than I anticipated I just haven’t managed it).

So for now we’ve been walking or in the rain getting the bus home. I absolutely don’t mind this. ExH lives just shy of 2 miles from me. I enjoy the walk and I use a back carrier for DD if we’re walking so I can do it in about 20-30 minutes with her.

My mum wants me to change the contact so I’m not in the cold and dark. She wants me to drop her to ExHs after school and him drive her home and me to drop on his Saturday so he drives her home Sunday night.

I really like the way things are. In the lighter evenings we walk it anyway as it’s a chance to have a chat and a bit of a wind down as her dad lives in a busy home (5 adults, 2 large dogs and several other children coming and going). DD prefers it this way, and although I could change it as the CAO only says we do one journey each, I like it this way.

It’s a 2 mile walk, on a main road with pavement all the way. The pavement has street lights and there are several shops (big supermarkets one of which is 24/7) and community centres along the route still open at this time that have CCTV and fully light up the paths. There are 2 buses an hour but the bus still only takes me to within half a mile of home.

I am almost 30 and considered quite capable within my work. DD is a happy, well balanced child who is doing well at school so don’t think I’m doing to badly.

Mum won’t take me to pick up DD as she says it’s too late for her (she’s up at 5am so understandable) but she doesn’t want me walking any part of it. She also doesn't want me taking a taxi with a "stranger" and would want my ExH to come in that with me (Taxi is an option occasionally and will probably be used over Christmas when the buses aren't running and DD is having contact)

So voting:-

YABU – And should just get a Taxi
YANBU – The walk is fine

OP posts:

vivapuff · 12/12/2019 23:30

This is odd. A five year old in a back carrier? Did I read that right?

She's too big for her car seat but still fits in a back carrier

changedtempforprivacy · 12/12/2019 23:50

Could you not borrow a car seat for the next month from a friend? At my daughter's school people do this all the time, I have 4 car seats for my daughter, one for my car , one for granny and one for each of her aunts cars and I always have a second car seat in the car for giving lifts to DD friends. I lend my car seats out a lot, happily and my friends know this. People even give them away on Facebook on our area
Or buy a car seat in an interest free credit card
I know it's easy to say but saving into an emergency fund is important. If your child was ill and needed to be transported to hospital or some other emergency you would want a car seat.
I agree that some car seats are safer than others, and is also want to invest in the safest I could, but you need something in the neantime

changedtempforprivacy · 12/12/2019 23:53

Also, whilst it may be legal to the a child in a taxi without a car seat, it's not ideal if safety is your concern.

changedtempforprivacy · 12/12/2019 23:54

And your mum sounds very controlling, from someone who also has a controlling mum, you should watch out for this as it will affect your child's view of you

Besidesthepoint · 13/12/2019 00:10

Who os the parent here? You or your mum?

Jengnr · 13/12/2019 01:24

Your mum is crazy.

Candymay · 13/12/2019 03:58

It’s all fine apart from the back carrier. That’s no good for you and a five year old doesn’t need to be carried. The walking sounds lovely. My children and I walk for miles together.

gonewiththerain · 13/12/2019 04:16

Look on which magazine ( can be found in local library if you still have one), identify some suitable seats then search the Internet for the best price. I’ve never paid a lot for car seats but have always picked ones that are much better than just the basic test. And the ones that are safer often surprise you because it’s not based on price.

Howlovely · 13/12/2019 04:22

So you won't put your child in her existing car seat because she's too big and it's not safe. You don't buy a £30 car seat because it's too cheap and it's not safe yet you'll happily climb in a car without any car seat?
Bizarre. I think your mum sounds anxious rather than controlling.
I'm confused as to how she could offer you a lift though, does that mean she has s suitable car seat? If so, just borrow that for a month, surely? Or just ask your ex husband if the car seat can travel with your daughter until you can get a new one?
It sounds like you enjoy the current set up though so if it's not harming anyone, carry on and ask your mum to drop it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2019 04:31

Yanbu.
But I don’t get why you’re taking and collecting your dd. Why isn’t your ex picking your dd up / dropping her off?

CalleighDoodle · 13/12/2019 04:39

Sounds like your mum has anxiety that means she is very controlling, and this is your normal. As a result you partnered with a man who is a bit shit, maybe?

But you are not wrong about carseats not all being as safe as each other. All carseats are not the same.

iano · 13/12/2019 04:42

Op one of my parents expresses ridiculous fears like this. If challenged they also cite worry as their reason. It's quite simply a form of control and infantilising you.
You are a grown woman and need to take responsibility for your own safety.

lisag1969 · 13/12/2019 04:46

Could you not ask ex for half the money for car seat. Explain situation. If he has money for dogs and a car and other kids. Surely he won't mind giving you the money

Settlersofcatan · 13/12/2019 06:56

Obviously it's none of her business.

Does your ex have a car seat for her? If so, could you pass it back and forth between you until January?

exexpat · 13/12/2019 11:18

I have a mother who sounds like yours (irrationally anxious about similar things, tries to make me adjust my behaviour to assuage her fears). You need to be firm and remind her you are a competent adult and can make your own decisions. It may take a while for her to back off, and you will probably need to repeat the process many times over the years - I am in my 50s, left home at 17, have lived and travelled solo all over the world, and had to give my mother a sharp reminder about this yet again this week when I got out of the cinema to find six panicked answerphone messages because I wasn't home when she thought I would be.

But I don't understand why you would consider taking taxis over Christmas when for the price of a few taxi fares you could get a basic car seat to tide you over? The taxi won't have even a basic child seat, and even if you upgrade to a better seat when more money comes in, a spare seat can be useful for transporting your DD's friends around or using in someone else's car.

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