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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at being left out during gift giving? giving

89 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/12/2019 18:14

I work as a SEN teaching assistant at a large school. Although I am primarily employed to work 1:1 with a child, I do also help to support other children in the classroom - with learning, personal care, accidents and during conflict etc. This year parents decided to club together and buy each member of staff one gift each. They bought a gift for everyone who works in our year group (including volunteers, trainees, part time staff etc) - but I didn't receive anything. It was rather awkward as other members of staff were given huge bundles and I was stood there not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't know why, but it has really upset me. I hate feeling embarrassed. I contributed to the gifts given to the children from the teacher's and my name is on their tags, so parents would definitely know who I was. How would this make you feel? AIBU to be a little hurt?

OP posts:
Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/12/2019 20:07

Margotmouse - thank you - already have a glass in hand! Cheers! Xx

OP posts:
delineateddelinquent · 12/12/2019 20:08

Oh man I feel for you but I honestly don’t even know what you can do/say Sad

I’d would want to make it known that I was upset at being left out. I know that probably makes me immature but I’d be so annoyed.

Also, if I was one of the other teachers I think I might be inclined to say to whoever organised it that they left you out.

MillicentMartha · 12/12/2019 20:10

I was a 1:1 in a school for 4 years. I knew the class better than anyone as I went up with them each year. I was always missed out at Christmas and end of year by the parents. They assumed I only worked with the one child, when in fact a lot of the role involved working with small groups of DC, usually including the child, but sometimes freeing up the teacher so they could work with the child’s group. So I had worked with all of the children. It was a bit upsetting, TBH, but after a year or so I knew to expect nothing. I did get a present from my 1:1 child’s parents when they left.

Absoluteunit · 12/12/2019 20:12

Oh that's shit OP Flowers

I bet the parents aren't aware of your role in the class. The 1 to 1s in DD's school never get mentioned in newsletters and stuff. They probably just think you support the one child.

NailsNeedDoing · 12/12/2019 20:17

It definitely won’t have been personal, I’d guess they probably just assumed, rightly or wrongly, that you do less than the other staff for the children as a group and are focussed on your 1-2-1 child the majority of the time. I think it was up to the parents of your 1-2-1 child to ask for you to be included or arrange for your thank you gift themselves. I’m sure if the parents realised how they’d unintentionally made you feel, they’d be mortified.

NYCDreaming · 12/12/2019 20:17

That must have felt really awful. My DS has a 1-1 but she has been included in the parents' whip round for teacher gifts thankfully. I can see how she could have been missed out - most parents might not know that she's in the classroom, and those that do know might assume that she only helps DS - whereas she actually does a lot of helping with all of the children. She's really great. I hope you don't take it to heart because it does sound like a thoughtless error rather than a deliberate omission. Hope you're relaxing now.

Tattooedmama · 12/12/2019 20:21

Its understandable you feel that way Sad

My son attends a SEN school and i intend on sending him in with cupcakes for them all, i have 4 children and family to buy for so couldnt afford individual gifts, but they will be labelled to teachers and TA's so no one is left out, he also done cards for all of them

Dolorabelle · 12/12/2019 20:21

Awww OP that must feel awful. There’s no excuse really for that to have happened. Did your colleagues and notice? Hopefully, one of them will have a word with the parents.

Even if you are mostly working 1 to 1, you are contributing to the school as a whole. Your work benefits everyone else, just as their work helps you.

Alte · 12/12/2019 20:26

When my DC were in primary we bought their class teachers and DD1's 1:1 TA individual gifts at Christmas and at the end of the year. So did everyone else in their class. I really don't understand this new thing of saving up between all the parents. YANBU to be upset, but YABU to expect gifts from kids you don't work with personally.

NYCDreaming · 12/12/2019 20:28

Alte I reckon they would prefer a £30 John Lewis voucher to 30 Best Teacher mugs. It seems like a better system to me - so long as nobody gets left out!

Deckthehallswith · 12/12/2019 20:29

OP I'm so sorry.

As a parent of a child with sen I'm sure the family of the child you are 1 to 1 with really appreciate everything you do. I'm sure you they would have got you something if you could have.

But you have me worried now about the presents I have got for my ds teachers. I have 4 to buy for and bought them all the same thing, but now thinking I should have spent more on the 1 to 1 as they probably only get presents from a few students out of the whole class..

RandomUsernameHere · 12/12/2019 20:38

Sorry you've been left out OP. If you mainly work 1:1 with a specific child then I expect the parents have assumed you are not really involved with the other children.

This has got me thinking (I was involved in organising presents for our year group). There is a lady who is employed to support one child in DD's class. She is paid separately by the parents and is not an employee of the school, so a bit different to OP's situation. Should I have included her? It didn't really occur to us to do so, but feeling a bit worried now.

Louise91417 · 12/12/2019 20:40

When my daughter was in primary school, her class had the same SEN teachers assistant from p1 right through to p7. No one ever mentioned which pupil the TA was on a 1.1 with because no one cared. The TA was the back bone of the classroom and helped every child in the class at some point. I always made sure i bought her an equal present to the teacher. I think there are probably a lot of ignorant parents in your situation assuming you help 1 pupil and contribute nothing to the others. So, on behalf of all parents who realise the valuable support you provide in the classroom a huge thank you.Flowers

Imanessexgirlgetmeoutofhere · 12/12/2019 20:45

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's a shame that those organising haven't realised your worth.

I have again organised both my children's class collections this year, and I always ask their teacher for a list of all staff involved in the class. For my yr1 DS there are 6 staff including a trainee teacher, one that only works Friday to cover the teacher whilst she does her planning, and two midday assistants. I have made sure all have at least a bottle of wine, chocolates and a plant as a thank you for all they do

lunasunshine · 12/12/2019 20:46

You are definitely not being unreasonable to feel this way. I would too. I’m sorry this has happened to you. My SEN teaching assistants are an absolute godsend in my classroom. I think it was just an oversight on the parents part but it doesn’t make it any less hurtful. Sending hugs!

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/12/2019 20:58

Deckthehallswith

Please don't worry about what you have bought - the fact you remembered and thought of them is the main thing xx

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 12/12/2019 21:03

That is really upsetting for you, I am sorry. I am sure the children and other teachers appreciate you. One of the boys in my son's class has a SEN TA and, like you, I think she helps generally with the class, it took me a few years to realise that the reason she was with the class every year was due to the boy. She always gets included with the class whip round so I think parent's would usually understand that she has a role in the classroom and I can only assume that the parents in your school somehow don't. You will feel ok in a day or two I promise hope the fact that we all feel bad for you helps xx

damnthatanxiety · 12/12/2019 21:03

I think the teacher should message the class rep and say that due to the exclusion of a single staff member (you) it has been deemed inappropriate for gifts to be given.

NanooCov · 12/12/2019 21:04

My son has a 1 to 1 individual support assistant and I will be buying a gift for her. The rest of the parents in the class WhatsApp group have chipped in towards vouchers for the teacher and class TA (which I have contributed to as well) but did not contemplate the contributions being split three ways. I didn't feel comfortable pushing the matter so I decided we would just do our own thing. I agree it's not fair (particularly as several of the other parents have mentioned how their children really like my son's ISA and I know she helps other children in the class, not just my son) but I felt so long as she knows we value her and the care she gives my son, I couldn't do much more.

Loveislandaddict · 12/12/2019 21:06

I would feel the same as you, miffed and a little hurt.

Cherrysherbet · 12/12/2019 21:08

I’m sorry this happened to you 💐 YANBU

Creepster · 12/12/2019 21:10

That happened to me at our gift exchange once. Another person got twice as many gifts as anyone else because they got all their and all mine due to a mix up.
The most embarrassing part was afterwards when everyone was bringing me things and apologizing.

marshmallowss · 12/12/2019 21:19

I'm a 1:1 and have been included for the last 2 years. The second year a different parent did the gift organising and I got significantly more than the first year, I think this was due to the parents seeing how much a 1:1 actually does in the classroom.

I don't expect the same treatment this year (and have already been excluded with gift giving from a couple of parents)

However I do a lot of observations (reception class) which has my name on and I listen to readers a lot where I sign my name and I'm always outside in the morning to talk to parents should they do (and they do) so I hope they realise I am more than just 1:1, but equally, I am prepared to accept that I may not be included in gift giving. It happens. I'm not as fussed anymore.

But it is shocking you've been missed when the volunteer has been acknowledged.
Sorry OP. It sucks

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 12/12/2019 21:23

I remember 30 years ago where we didn't do teacher presents at Christmas or when we broke up from the summer and we had leaving presents, it was so much easier. I think it's gone way over the top a simple drawing or card saying thankyou is enough instead of a gift and I say this as a teacher myself. All these class collections put so much pressure on people at a time when people might actually be struggling. I'm sure people didnt mean to exclude you op. I'm sure those children are grateful for the support and help you give.

greenlobster · 12/12/2019 21:33

Sorry to hear that happened to you. YANBU at all.

My dd always took a small gift for all the TA's in the class (7 of them) as well as the teacher.