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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at being left out during gift giving? giving

89 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/12/2019 18:14

I work as a SEN teaching assistant at a large school. Although I am primarily employed to work 1:1 with a child, I do also help to support other children in the classroom - with learning, personal care, accidents and during conflict etc. This year parents decided to club together and buy each member of staff one gift each. They bought a gift for everyone who works in our year group (including volunteers, trainees, part time staff etc) - but I didn't receive anything. It was rather awkward as other members of staff were given huge bundles and I was stood there not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't know why, but it has really upset me. I hate feeling embarrassed. I contributed to the gifts given to the children from the teacher's and my name is on their tags, so parents would definitely know who I was. How would this make you feel? AIBU to be a little hurt?

OP posts:
FestiveFavourites · 12/12/2019 19:03

Oh that's horrible, you poor thing. I'm not surprised you feel snubbed.

Sarcelle · 12/12/2019 19:04

Bless you. A shitty feeling but it won't be anything you have done. It will be one of those stupid oversights. 💐

LolaSmiles · 12/12/2019 19:04

I wouldn't take it as a snub at all.

I would imagine that the parents have clubbed together for the "whole class" staff rather than someone who works 1-1 with an individual child, which makes sense as t a 1-1 TA is different to class TA and moreso from the perspective of people who aren't in school to see the way different roles work together.

I can see why you're a bit upset though. Did the child/family you 1-1 for get you a gift?

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/12/2019 19:05

My 1:1 gave me a card - which was lovely - but I know that they are not financially well off so didn't expect anything. Maybe they contributed to the class presents - I don't know.

Last day of school today.

OP posts:
AiryFairyMum · 12/12/2019 19:05

When I was at school (many years ago!) One girl had her mum as her 1:1 support. I don't think the other parents would have got her a present, even though she was always kind to everyone else.

milliefiori · 12/12/2019 19:07

Someone should have a word with them. They may think you 'only' work with one child but I bet they'd bloody notice if that child didn't have one to one and took a greater amount of the teacher and TA's attention. They benefit from your existence. It's an oversight. I hope the other teachers shared some goodies with you.

Minky35 · 12/12/2019 19:08

Aw what a shame, I’m sure it will be a mistake, not intentional.
One year my present was missed off from the secret Santa even though I’d bought one for someone, I was very embarrassed (and a teeeny bit upset!) even though I never wanted to do the bloody secret Santa in the first place!

dreichXmas · 12/12/2019 19:09

If you're a 1:1 I think the parents won't know you suppprt the other kids and will assume that family has gotten you something which hopefully they have!

I think this is the situation. It isn't about you at all OP, just your role.

KickAssAngel · 12/12/2019 19:10

I would think the most likely thing is that other parents assume you just work with 1 kid, and didn't bother to read the gift tag with your name on.

Parents of a child who receives 1-1 care may not be able/willing to give a gift to a TA. (The same for any individual family)

I think the teachers maybe need to rais this towards the end of the school year, in advance, and make it clear to parents that you are all a team who work together, and therefore share together.

If I were a teacher in this scenario, I would share.

Witchend · 12/12/2019 19:14

If you're a 1-2-1 as others have said, they will see you as there for that child. I wouldn't see it as a snub.

Bowerbird5 · 12/12/2019 19:18

HLTA here.

I feel for you and yes it is difficult when others are getting their presents. Sudden need for the loo is a good one.

Last year I taught a lot of different classes when staff were off and had planned PPA every week in some classes. Didn’t get a single thing except from two lovely teachers. I know our parents can’t afford much but I had one class for the last three years and was really fond of them. Disappointed that I hardly got a card. In another class while the young teacher and TA got loads I didn’t get so much as a card despite teaching them one day a week. One of the boys, whose dad is always late, ran back and gave me a big hug and thanked me for teaching him all year. It made my day!
I think some of us quietly get on with our job, put extra effort in to support the children but get continually over looked. I think you and I are in that group. We just have to be satisfied with having helped a lot of pupils.
It’s a tiring job at this time of year.

Bowerbird5 · 12/12/2019 19:21

I see you have broken up so happy holidays. Our school don’t break up until the 20th.

Chocmallows · 12/12/2019 19:25

You sound lovely and perfectly normal. They've just misjudged how much you are part of the class.

EmmiJay · 12/12/2019 19:27

Aww thats sad! I couldn't imagine why they'd think not to include you. I'm hoping its an honest mistake and that somebody notices. I did a bundle gift of tinned biscuits for the teachers to share last year and put in one extra as I wasn't sure if there was a teacher I hadn't come across yet. Turns out I was right to do so as she came up to me in the spring term to say thank you!

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/12/2019 19:31

TBH they were handed out at the end of the day, and once I realised what had happened I started tidying away everything - as I normally would - said my goodbyes as cheerfully as possible and left. My colleague messaged to ask if I was ok and that she felt bad.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 12/12/2019 19:32

I'm so sorry. My son is SEN and I never gave gifts to all those involved in his care at school if there was a chance of missing someone for this exact reason. I always tried to write a meaningful holiday card to everyone thanking them for their kindness though.

UndertheCedartree · 12/12/2019 19:32

I just wonder if you got missed because when asking the names of the teachers the child forgot yours as you mainly work with one child? I'm sure it wasn't deliberate. I do hope it gets reconciled and yanbu to feel the way you do.

Michellelovesizzy · 12/12/2019 19:42

Did the parents of the child you look after 1:1 get u a gift ? Got to be some sort of mistake

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/12/2019 19:44

Thank you everyone - a lot of wise words there. Feeling better - mainly because most of you say you'd feel the same in this situation.

Bowerbird5 - I empathize with everything you said, and I am sorry you have also been over looked. Sometimes this job is a thankless task - in that the rewards come in making small progress - whilst dealing generally with very challenging behaviour. I think also I am tired mentally and physically and on the last day it was a bit of a last straw.

We did break up early - thank goodness for TT days!

Thank you everyone xxx

OP posts:
JasonPollack · 12/12/2019 19:47

I think maybe there was an expectation that the parents of your 1:1 would get you. I'm sure nothing was meant by it!

Shoeshelpplease · 12/12/2019 19:48

Your gracious messages brought a tear to my eye

I'm really sorry this happened to you and I would ask have felt very awkward and upset.

It really does sound like one of those awful situations and people didn't realise just how important to the class. Please try not to let this affect you.

Myshinynewname · 12/12/2019 19:50

I mean this kindly but as a parent it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to buy you a present either. I’m sure it’s not personal. Christmas with 3 children of primary school age already costs me a small fortune and I have to draw the line somewhere.

namina · 12/12/2019 19:52

That's really sad, they mustn't have realised 😩

MargotMouse · 12/12/2019 19:54

OP that sucks, I’m sorry.
As a former teacher, I can tell you that the work you do is invaluable. You are making a difference every day. I would feel a bit disappointed, same as you, but please don’t see it as a reflection on how important your role is because you do incredibly important work.
Go put your feet up, have a festive drink or some chocolate, and enjoy the Christmas holidays - you’ve earned it.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/12/2019 19:56

Myshinynewname - I completely agree and would in no way expect all parents to buy individual presents - but this was one gift for each teacher where parents had clubbed together to reduce cost - one gift from the whole class IYSWIM. Even the lady who volunteers one morning a week got one - I think that was the clincher.

OP posts: