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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if it's normal to tell one's DH they come second to one's DC?

68 replies

TheGigglingGazelle · 12/12/2019 16:33

Just seen someone do this on FB and I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. He told her she was the most important person in his life and she replied that he was the second most important after their children.

Honestly not attempting to be goady here - I haven't got kids and I'm asking the question out of genuine curiosity - but I couldn't help but feel a little sad for her DH. Is this something a lot of women would say to their DH in 'public' (well, social media) so to speak?

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 12/12/2019 16:36

It's true though....
The kids come first every time.
I've recently separated from mine but even before that he came last behind the kids. I wouldn't have plastered it all over social media, though.

Knicknamehistory · 12/12/2019 16:37

I'm sure there was a similar thread recently about this topic. Yes kids come first over husband but I dont rub it in his face!

ActualHornist · 12/12/2019 16:37

I don’t have conversations with my husband on social media because we live in the same house - if he was daft enough to post the message you mention I would just ignore it or maybe give it a like.

So no I have no intention of ensuring my husband knows he is second to my children.

pooopypants · 12/12/2019 16:39

My DH knows he's second to the kids, and I know I am. It's how it works in our house and I don't understand how people don't think otherwise.

Liverbird77 · 12/12/2019 16:43

Kids needs always come first.
Their wants may not.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/12/2019 16:44

Surely the whole point of choosing to have children is that you're prepared to put in the time to ensure they do come first while they're growing up? It shouldn't ever need to be spoken about or addressed; it's like the turning of the earth, it just happens.

It's more odd to do it on Facebook.

cricketballs3 · 12/12/2019 16:45

I prefer my dog to my kids so what is your opinion of me? 😜

sophiasnail · 12/12/2019 16:46

Whilst one might think it, I really don't think one ought ever to say it. I can't imagine a very likely scenario in which it would be necessary to choose between them.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/12/2019 16:46

And I don't mean it in a martyr kind of way; DH and I go off and have nights out and travel by ourselves from time to time, and our DC aren't treated like royalty and spoiled rotten; they're (mainly) lovely. It's simply an unspoken thing that the DC's needs trump ours as a unit, rather than his or mine as individuals.

Tyersal · 12/12/2019 16:47

That's so sad for poor DH I grew up knowing my parents would put each other / their relationship first, it made me feel secure

FakeChristmasTreesaremynewnorm · 12/12/2019 16:47

Well don't forget the dog comes second after dc but dh is a close 3rd.

PunchBall · 12/12/2019 16:51

Love for a partner is conditional. The love for your children is unconditional. It’s just an obvious thing and doesn’t need to be said!

Mayorquimby2 · 12/12/2019 16:58

It might be true but it's a cunts trick to respond like that on a public forum.

If she put up "you're the only man I want to spend my life with" or something requisition sappy on their anniversary and he said "you're the best I could do given my level of income, looks and geographical location. If I was richer or better looking I'd probably be with someone in better shape or with a nicer personality but for the life I actually have you're the one for me."
She wouldn't nod along going, "well it's true tbf"

Although they're both saps for doing any of this on social media

Original poster
TheGigglingGazelle · 12/12/2019 17:00

I grew up knowing my parents would put each other / their relationship first, it made me feel secure

See, this is how it was for me too and it had the same effect. When I had pressing needs as a child, my parents did put those ahead of their own needs, but in general my upbringing sent me the message that the security of the family unit actually depends on the parents putting each other first, and yes that did give a sense of security. Not trying to tell anyone else how they should live their lives here, just putting some context behind my question.

OP posts:
MerryDeath · 12/12/2019 17:00

people are so weird about putting things on SM. WHY would you do this??????

obviously my kids come first, as they should, I don't need to spell it out and wouldn't.

Ragwort · 12/12/2019 17:02

Who on earth puts this sort of drivel on social media? Confused

Areyoufree · 12/12/2019 17:03

Meh. He was being a social media exhibitionist - why not just tell her in person? Or via text, if they were apart? Why did he feel the need for an audience? Am afraid I don't feel much sympathy for that one backfiring!

JadeDragon23 · 12/12/2019 17:04

you're the best I could do given my level of income, looks and geographical location

Ah, be still my beating heart 😂

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/12/2019 17:04

I think it’s sometimes different for men. I just had a baby and being there for the birth seems to have made my DH fall even harder in love for me. He loves DC obviously but he makes no bones that his first priority is me. Whereas DC is my priority.

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/12/2019 17:04

It wasn't that long ago when family priorities were:

  1. Husband (king of the castle, provider)
  2. Kids (seen but not heard)

Now it is

  1. Kids (all wants and needs trump everything)
  2. Career for women
  3. Husband = annoying afterthought

It's very clear why marriages no longer last forever as women have many more options now.

Cobblersandhogwash · 12/12/2019 17:06

Kids come first because they're kids and need us parents.

Dh is an adult. He can cope.

AdalindMeisner · 12/12/2019 17:07

I wouldn't put it on SM but it is true and I would hope that DH felt the same.

GreenTulips · 12/12/2019 17:08

Rubbish. DH is perfectly capable of looking after himself. Kids can’t.

They have to have their needs met. We no longer relay in the male to ‘provide’

TheTrollFairy · 12/12/2019 17:12

It depends in what context but in a life or death then absolutely my DD comes first.
Do I love her more? I’m not sure. The love is different just like it’s different between your partner and your parents.
My love for my child is protective and absolute and I would go as far as saying limitless (which I hope doesn’t change)

easyandy101 · 12/12/2019 17:14

If she put up "you're the only man I want to spend my life with" or something requisition sappy on their anniversary and he said "you're the best I could do given my level of income, looks and geographical location. If I was richer or better looking I'd probably be with someone in better shape or with a nicer personality but for the life I actually have you're the one for me."
She wouldn't nod along going, "well it's true tbf"

Grin