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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if it's normal to tell one's DH they come second to one's DC?

68 replies

TheGigglingGazelle · 12/12/2019 16:33

Just seen someone do this on FB and I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. He told her she was the most important person in his life and she replied that he was the second most important after their children.

Honestly not attempting to be goady here - I haven't got kids and I'm asking the question out of genuine curiosity - but I couldn't help but feel a little sad for her DH. Is this something a lot of women would say to their DH in 'public' (well, social media) so to speak?

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/12/2019 17:17

My DCs needs come first. Their wants don't. Their needs are non-negotiable and fortunately DH and I are similar in how we parent.

I love DH, he loves me. I don't think either of us would ever say outright "you don't come first" to the other but we both know we'd go without if the DC's needs warranted it.

AlexaShutUp · 12/12/2019 17:18

I think it's right for the dc to come first but see no need to broadcast this on social media.

I would be a bit sad if DH said that I was more important to him than DD.

Areyoufree · 12/12/2019 17:19

“I used to say to [Blake], ‘I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you.’ And the second I looked in that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby” - Ryan Reynolds

TheTrollFairy · 12/12/2019 17:20

@FudgeBrownie2019 sums it up perfectly with this My DCs needs come first. Their wants don't

Whatsername177 · 12/12/2019 17:20

I don't talk to dh on social media but he knows he comes second. I know I come second too. It's why we work.

yellowallpaper · 12/12/2019 17:21

It may be the case, but it's a shit thing to say

Molly2016 · 12/12/2019 17:21

Absolutely hate it when husband and wife send each other public messages on social media. Attention seeking and desperate.

WooMaWang · 12/12/2019 17:22

I just don't think a relationship with a partner (or the love you feel for them) is comparable to that with your child(ren). They're just totally different things.

What is weird is to write something like that on social media. It's a very public dismissal really.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 12/12/2019 17:25

It's very clear why marriages no longer last forever as women have many more options now.

You make it sound like it’s a bad thing that women in unhappy marriages have the option to leave! Grin

BlackSwanGreen · 12/12/2019 17:27

I wouldn't put it on social media but it's true for me. I'm sure DH would say the same.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 12/12/2019 17:27

Tbh I think I’d worry if my partner prioritised me over our children because I was his wife who he was in love with. In the event of a break up it suggests he’d prioritise a new partner over our children too. His children should be his priority. No matter how much he loves or doesn’t love their mother. Same for women.

dontcallmeduck · 12/12/2019 17:28

My children’s needs come first. Always. But their wants don’t. We do however both make a lot of sacrifices probably to our detriment to give them lots of different opportunities.

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/12/2019 17:34

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory not bad at all! I'm a single parent. Totally hopeless at prioritising any man's needs over my own Grin

But I do think when people are whistful about their grandparents 60 year marriage that they are looking at something totally different.

Husband was number 1 - affairs were ignored, domestic abuse more hidden and accepted, men were breadwinners, divorce frowned upon, children played out instead of being entertained and carted around to activities by their parents every night of the week. Women cooked and cleaned for the man entirely. In these conditions then of course the marriage will last, for better or worse.

DodgeRainClouds · 12/12/2019 17:35

My kids come first. If I had to pick between them I would pick them. I would 100% expect my husband to do the same and would never forgive him if he put me above the children. Obviously I love him but he is an adult and children rely on us for literally everything!

Spacebowlisback · 12/12/2019 17:36

I find this competition so odd.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 12/12/2019 17:37

I yes I see what you mean now teaches. That wasn’t about partners prioritising each other though. That was society prioritising men and women having no choice but to comply.

SheOfManyNames · 12/12/2019 17:41

In a life or death situation, when I could save just one, I would save my dc before my husband. And he better do the same.
However, posting shit like that on SM is a little pathetic.

BigFatLiar · 12/12/2019 17:46

It's a different kind of love but priorities

At first we put each other first
When children came, they came first
As children grew up we put each other first again

Always knew we were important and loved one another.

Purpleartichoke · 12/12/2019 17:54

I love my husband dearly. I would be deviated if he was not there by my side. But if he and dd were dangling from a cliff, I would save dd. If dd and I were dangling, he would save dd. She is the best of us. She is the living embodiment of our love. Part of the way we express our love for one another is in our dedication to raising her.

That doesn’t mean we don’t ever do something for ourselves. We just booked a weekend away which dd will spend with the grandparents, well cared for, but a bit bored. We seek to find balance in our lives, but if a choice must be made, we will always prioritize her.

kenandbarbie · 12/12/2019 17:55

Don't see anything wrong with that! Both myself and dh know the kids come before each other. They are our priority. I'm not hurt by that. Im pleased I married such a good man who loves our kids as much as me. It makes me love him more as a partner. He feels the same.

Anessia · 12/12/2019 17:57

She was disrespectful to her husband and didn’t have to put it on social media. It’s cringemaking to me when wives belittle their husbands in public. Anyway it’s their marriage.

I agree with you OP that husband and wife should come first to each other. Marriage holds family together and gives a sense of protection to the children when parents love one another so much. When children grow up they find their own husband/wife, lead their own lives and create their own families. Whereas a mother and father are together for life.

Aposterhasnoname · 12/12/2019 18:01

My kids grown up now, but when she was younger, her needs came before mine and DHs needs, but our needs came before her wants.

TheNavigator · 12/12/2019 18:01

Why speak to your husband through social media? Anyway, this seems quite dependent on the age of the child - when they have grownup and left home it would be quite odd to consider them more important than the person you have chosen to spend your life with. Me & DH are the bedrock of our family, like a PP said, it gives children security.

YouJustDoYou · 12/12/2019 18:03

Well, if the house is on fire, I'll rescue the kid's first. They're important obviously but also obviously so is dh. It's not a case of one is more important than the other personally.

SuitablyDull · 12/12/2019 18:19

Meh...soppy stuff on Facebook does my head in do I'd be applauding her for shutting it down.
I love my husband (most the time). I love my son (all the time). The love however is different. My sons needs trump all else...at 2 he hasn't really started with wants in a big way but that is different.
I loved my husband first...he may be second on my list of priorities for the moment, but children grow up and leave and then you've come full circle and you become first to each other again.

Although tbh the dog probably deserves to be first...she doesn't tantrum, give sarcastic answers, get snarky or.make me want to pull my hair out...

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