to ask if it's normal to tell one's DH they come second to one's DC?

[TheGigglingGazelle]

Just seen someone do this on FB and I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. He told her she was the most important person in his life and she replied that he was the second most important after their children.

Honestly not attempting to be goady here - I haven't got kids and I'm asking the question out of genuine curiosity - but I couldn't help but feel a little sad for her DH. Is this something a lot of women would say to their DH in 'public' (well, social media) so to speak?

Obviously I would choose my kids over my husband. If DH said he'd divorce me if we didn't put the baby up for adoption - I'd be getting a divorce, not getting rid of my daughter.

I hope that most people would do the same! Or of me & DH split and I was in a new relationship, and they asked me to choose between them or my children, again, I'm choosing my kids all day every day.

Would I put it on social media? No! Unless in a very obviously joking way. Would I be upset if DH said the same to me - no! I would hope that in a burning building he'd get my daughter out before even thinking of me.

@cricketballs3 I think you're honest 😉

My OH and I know that in the event of a fire, we'd step over each other to get to the kids. It's how it's supposed to be I think. It doesn't' mean her OH is unimportant to her, just that our drive to protect our children is so great it means they always come first.

Jesus, who would write that publicly! I'm cringing for the guy.

But, I don't like the premise of the question anyway. It's not a competition.

Sometimes you have to prioritise one person over another, it doesn't mean that person is 'more important'.

I agree with the PP who said you love your children unconditionally, not your partner. I guess you could interpret that as the children being more important but why even think that way, it's strange.

Nothing like a little bit of public humiliation. Poor bloke.
I don't like this comparison either, I love my DP in a very different way to my DC, both are equally important to me.

It was a cruel response to him. Unless his post was a passive aggressive dig.
But at face value you don’t crush somebody when they say they love you. It’s just mean spirited.

When I was pregnant with DC1, I was an anxious mess asked DH what he would do if he was told only one of us (me or DC) could survive and he had to pick. He said he’d choose me, as we could face the loss of DC together but he wouldn’t be able to face losing me. I imagine he feels much the same now, as do I.

But other than a Sophie’s Choice situation, I don’t even get why this is relevant? We’re a family, everyone is as important and valued as each other.

My love for my children is unconditional.

My love for my husband is conditional (based on things like fidelity, being a good man, being a fair man, being a good father, not being abusive in any way)

So yes. Children come first. Always.

Wouldn't feel the need to say it on my social media where I'm readily identified! Anonymously here is fine.

Kids.
Dog and cats.
Fish.
Netflix.
Husband.

But then I’m really pissed off with him this week most weeks

But couples who talk to each other on social media are the worst. There is a special place reserved for those attention seeking wankers in hell.

As a few pp have said, it's true but I wouldn't put it on social media or bang on about it in front of him.

I am a stepdad and I understand that my wife's love for her daughter will always run deeper that it does for me, that's biology.

That said, I would never put myself in the position where it was a contest and she would always be sensitive to my feelings and would never say as much.

I don’t really get the having a priority list. For our family to work, we all need to be happy. Obviously if the house was on fire, we’d both grab the kids first but day to day we try to meet everyone’s needs and wants. Our kids are the centre of our world though, but that makes us happy.

I remember having the biology / 'who would you save?' conversation with DP once.

He said, Your DC. Because you wouldn't want to go on without them knowing I'd saved you and not them.

Quite profound really.

It also opened my eyes to how he feels about his own DC regardless of all other circumstances.

I'm second in DH eyes aswell.

As I should be.

How it is supposed to be. Good men seem to fully expect this too, in my experience.

It's a ridiculous conversation to have to be fair (particularly when biology will nearly always trump emotional connection).

As I said before, I am a stepdad and understand I will, in 'love's terms, be secondary (and I understand this).

Most men accept this when they get together with a woman with child(ren). That said! If you are a single mum, don't open any communication (I'm talking online dating profiles) but saying "my kids are my world and will always be No.1". Any decent guy knows this and accepts it but, if they are happy to get involved and step up, don't tell them that they're second best before they've even tried.

Yes- its normal. DH and I had a conversation once that if we were all in a boat and it was sinking, I would save the kids before him and he said the same thing and I'm glad he did. I would WANT him to save our children first. Kids come first- as others have said, DH is a grown man, children are vulnerable and need protection.

DH both have told each other that in a situation where we can either save the kids or each other, we will always be choosing the kids. Other than that, I'd say they're even.

I also agree with people saying that a couple who feel the need for this kind of display on social media are laughable anyway.