Husband had an affair.....what to do next

[Notjustabrunette]

Hello all, my husband had an affair which last 6 months. He ended it, but I found out shortly after by accident. He wasn’t planning to fess up.
He has explained that it wasn’t about me, he has been dealing with some issues Lately around his self worth and need of approval. To give this some background his birth was the result of his parents having a work place affair. His dad was married with two kids, the wife found out that he had gotten an other woman pregnant and they all moved to Australia to never be seen again.
His mum left her husband and later remarried a man who although very nice was not very paternal. My husband was brought in as an only child in a strange environment as both parents did not give him time, but chose instead to through money at the situation. Examples of this would be that he went to a very good school but never helped with homework, they bought him a bike but didn’t teach him how to ride it.
As a couple we have grown apart the past couple of years after having children. My husband has become very focused on work as a way to ‘prove’ himself. He says the affair was about having someone else saying how amazing he is, not about replacing me.
We have been to couples therapy which has helped but in the last session (yesterday) was an
individual session for just me going through the past 6 months of pain, rejection and hurt has really thrown me. Is this something I can ever get ‘over’?
He is very regretful and is giving everything he can to put things right again but I cannot shake the feeling that he deceived me for 6 months!
Has anyone recovered from an affair?

I couldn’t forgive 6 months of deceit, I’d never be able to get over it

He is very regretful and is giving everything he can to put things right again

Well he can't, can he?

Things being 'right' would be your H being faithful and keeping his vows.

He didn't.

You can't undo that. The way you feel is simply you facing the truth instead of trying to pretend to yourself that something like this can be 'undone' by good behaviour going forward.

It cannot, because what you can't get away from is that you now know that he would cheat on you. He could stay faithful and be amazing for the next 40 years and you would still know that he is a man capable of being a cheat, and you won't fully trust him because it would be stupid to do so.

That's why people leave. They know that living with the knowledge that the person who's supposed to love you is capable of shitting all over you kills it stone dead.

The background is pretty much irrelevant in my opinion. If anything if he's been rejected and hurt in the past he knows exactly what if felt like and then has turned around and consciously acted in a manner which has YOU feel exactly like that.

A one off drunken incident he's completely apologetic and remorseful about you could potentially work through, but 6 months is a hell of a breach of trust and total disrespect to you.

My MIL has worked things out with her DH after an affair with her good friend. I personally couldn't rebuild that trust without becoming an anxious, obsessive wreck every time we were apart but you asked for examples where it can work so there's one still going 20 years after.

As others have said personally I think you deserve better. You will never be free to meet the right man if you're still kicking your heels with the wrong one.

If he is genuinely sorry then it's possible to forgive him. Imho.

But you haven't said he is. Just 'regretful' and lots of excuses.

Is he really soŕry? Or full of shit?

I think a reaction to cheating is very individual. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment about my own issues. Incidentally, these issues have not resulted in me sleeping with anyone. My counsellor has asked me a few times if my DH has cheated on me and I have said no and she seems not to believe me. She also said she thinks I am someone who would just brush it under the carpet if he did. I told her absolutely not. If my DH even got into an email exchange with another woman with any hint of sex or affection I would bin him off too. I am sure of it. Finally my counsellor asked me why I don't have an affair.

All a bit weird but my point is that a reaction to an affair is on a spectrum. Some people can get over it. Some would react 100% with it's over. You need to work out where you are on that spectrum first which will then determine your next move.

He'll do it again OP, counselling or not. I worked for a guy who had a long history of affairs at work, he admitted he was a thrill of the chase junkie & had issues around needing validation, attention & to be seen as attractive. He carried on playing around & his wife decided the kids were grown & enough was enough. He had a lot of childhood issues too btw (mother died when he was a child, absent father, brought up by 4 feisty sisters) & was very self aware & realised they played into it, but he couldnt stop. He's a sad man now, the last much younger woman fleeced him of all his savings. As I worked in a very male dominated job, over the years I observed all the men who openly played around were very much the same, even down to day to day behaviour & personality traits.

OP, I heard the same victimhood excuses from my X until I reminded him I had a way worse childhood than him yet felt no desire to screw him over! Your DH did what he did because he felt no guilt or shame at hurting you. that’s what stops us from having affairs. We don’t want to hurt our loved ones. I couldn’t move passed my DH’s affair. He basically didn’t love me enough not to do it. All trust had gone, never to be regained. It ate away at me until I couldn’t stand the site of him. I divorced him. I’m sorry you are going through this OP. Its devastating! You’ll make the right decision for you in the end. Good luck for the future.

You deserve so much better than this OP. My ex husband had affairs, they destroyed our relationship and I cant see me ever trusting a man again after living with a liar

Its up to you at the end of the day and it sounds as if you want to save your marriage.

Personally I couldn't ever get past it -- I just don't see the point really. Why bother staying with someone who has been deceitful to you purely on the grounds of wanting to make it work or to keep the family together?

In nine cases out of ten in this situation once the trust goes there's nothing more to the marriage. I don't believe children are well served by having their parents remain together through gritted teeth out of a misplaced sense of putting them first. And as someone whose life improved immeasurably after becoming single, I think the benefits of being in a marriage are usually overstated anyway. But that's a personal view and I accept it won't be shared by everyone.

He wanted to make himself feel good but at your expense. Isn't it just as important for you to feel good as it is for him?

Focus on yourself and your feelings and not his.

it's possible to forgive him.

It's totally possible to forgive. It's also possible to be able to kind of understand why and feel sorry for them too.

The deciding to stay is a totally different thing. This:

He basically didn’t love me enough not to do it. All trust had gone, never to be regained. It ate away at me until I couldn’t stand the site of him.

-is the kind of thing I mean. Once you know what this person is, you may still love them and be able to forgive them - but you still know you now can't be in a relationship with them, because the trust is gone and without that, there's not much left.

All a bit weird but my point is that a reaction to an affair is on a spectrum

Prolly a good way of putting it that. Perhaps thats what it is maybe some are more prone to cheat than others, some may be tempted some may have a LOT of things go adverse at once. I don't think anyones totally "immune" shall we say.

As to after the event?, maybe treat each case on its own merits and how you feel about it there may be instacnces where LTB may be the only thing to do or else, if its a one off under very adverse conditions then lets see if we can work through this?

I don't think therere any hard and fast rules..

FWIW my now ex cheated, the OM as well as the OW does exist;!

Nope. I too him back. He cheated again.

Your h had no intention of telling you a thing, he got caught. He's inherently deceitful. Trust is gone.

I'd throw him out.

A six month affair behind your back is unforgivable quite frankly. If it was a one-off incident I could forgive. But not 6 months of scheming and lying, not to mention the numerous sexual encounters . Very few people would be able to get over that, unless it’s the cultural norm for them

it's possible to forgive him.

I agree with this. But I don't think forgiveness necessarily means staying with him. He's shown you who he is; he continues to do so by blaming his poor childhood and self-esteem issues (and without wanting to detract, I spent most of the 1980's in foster care shunted from home to home under the care of some quite spectacularly vile foster carers who pretty much destroyed my self esteem - it made me work harder for the stability and security I now have, it makes me value the love and trust DH and I have and you could parade the entire cast of Avengers naked across my path and I'd stay faithful because I know exactly how much I stand to lose and the value of a loving, stable home).

Ex had an affair when I was pregnant with DS1. We stayed together and it ate away at me with bitterness and unkindness til I became someone I didn't want to be. I forgave him but couldn't stay with him; 14 years on we are friends, we co-parent brilliantly and I love him for being DS1's Dad. Forgiveness happened. I just couldn't get trust him again; the forgiveness was more for my own emotional health than for him. I needed to let it go so I could stop hating him. Forgiveness is about the person hurt and not about the person who did the damage. You can forgive him and still choose not to remain married to him.

Don't put this in terms of what he wants, what he feels. Fuck him. He lost his right to be your focus and priority when he cheated. This is about you, what you need and how you're going to heal.

Why should you have to ‘get over it.’ He did a shitty thing and you’re entitled to be hurt and angry. You don’t owe him forgiveness, and if you can he’s certainly not entitled to expect it in X number of months.

All the tough childhood guff - he CHOSE to do this. He made a choice each and every time. He could have chosen to work on his marriage and being a father, but that’s hard. So much easier to believe the devil on your shoulder that tells you you’re entitled to a cheap thrill because you had to teach yourself to ride a bike (FFS!)

If he wants to be told he’s wonderful he could try being wonderful - by being a loyal and honest partner and parent. Until he accepts that the responsibility for his choices are his and his alone I wouldn’t be anywhere near getting past it.

He certainly deserves a PhD in psychobabble.

Hi @Notjustabrunette,

When I was 4 I discovered my dad was having an affair with multiple women, I was also the one to bring it up with my mum. Due to this they split up but then later married, because of me, They were both unhappy with my dad going out most weekends on 'business trips' but my mum knew what was really going on, she tried to forgive him and after much counselling the relationship broke down and they got divorced.

Personally I wished they had never gotten back together because of the mental damage it caused me and her.

Personally I don't think you should forgive him as most people will always repeat their actions and making up excuses for him doesn't justify what he did. Also thinking about the children I know that would be much less damaged by the entire situation of you don't struggle through unhappily for their sakes as I knew I will always hold that guilt.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.