Husband had an affair.....what to do next

[Notjustabrunette]

Hello all, my husband had an affair which last 6 months. He ended it, but I found out shortly after by accident. He wasn’t planning to fess up.
He has explained that it wasn’t about me, he has been dealing with some issues Lately around his self worth and need of approval. To give this some background his birth was the result of his parents having a work place affair. His dad was married with two kids, the wife found out that he had gotten an other woman pregnant and they all moved to Australia to never be seen again.
His mum left her husband and later remarried a man who although very nice was not very paternal. My husband was brought in as an only child in a strange environment as both parents did not give him time, but chose instead to through money at the situation. Examples of this would be that he went to a very good school but never helped with homework, they bought him a bike but didn’t teach him how to ride it.
As a couple we have grown apart the past couple of years after having children. My husband has become very focused on work as a way to ‘prove’ himself. He says the affair was about having someone else saying how amazing he is, not about replacing me.
We have been to couples therapy which has helped but in the last session (yesterday) was an
individual session for just me going through the past 6 months of pain, rejection and hurt has really thrown me. Is this something I can ever get ‘over’?
He is very regretful and is giving everything he can to put things right again but I cannot shake the feeling that he deceived me for 6 months!
Has anyone recovered from an affair?

[CrazySpanielLover]

self worth and need of approval

So how is the working out for him now that he has shown he is a poor excuse of a husband and a father and anyone who knows about this is going to seriously disapprove of his actions?

[PinkMonkeyBird]

I had a shit childhood too, however I'm not a cheat. In contrast, my ex had a wonderful upbringing with loving parents and cheated on me... go figure!

[RevolutionofOurTime]

Only you know if you can recover and find happiness again within your marriage.

Of course, plenty of couples break up after an affair. Plenty of couples recover and stay together.

My father had multiple affairs and my parents split up for a while. They then reconciled - it took time, years even for them to really reconnect. They then became rock solid until my father’s death, some 30 years later. The love they had for each other was very strong.

People make mistakes. It is up to you to decide if you can forgive.

[Obligatorync]

Oh poor diddums. My heart bleeds for him. 😒

No. He did that knowing first hand the damage. We all have issues...we don't all cheat and then fail to take responsibility even when we have a loving family.

I'd move on...without him.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

I agree with Revolution that some couples can come through it.

I couldn't with Ex. He cheated, I tried to forgive and eventually realised that I couldn't move past it. That doesn't mean you can't. But it does mean that he needs to take full and frank ownership of his choices and actions; we all know someone who's had an awful childhood, we've all had our traumas and our bad patches. Cheating is still a conscious choice and the biggest factor in your relationship recovering (if you're willing to try and recover it) is his attitude towards his actions.

Blaming others, blaming childhoods, blaming low self esteem, all of this is just deflecting from his own choices. If he can't own it, he can't atone for it.

[81Byerley]

My first husband had an affair. All I can tell you is that the year following his telling me was the worst year of my life, and ended with us separating anyway. My biggest regret is that I didn't immediately throw him out. It would have been nearly impossible for me to cope, emotionally, but I think losing me, his home, his kids, his comfortable life, might have been the best chance of us getting back together again. As it was, he married the other woman, and was very unhappy for years, and divorced again. His 3rd marriage doesn't look made in heaven either. In contrast, I'm happy with my love, the love of my life.

[champagneandfromage50]

He cheats and blames his past and you sound like you accept his excuse? He got caught and is making up rubbish. I had a dreadful childhood with a father who beat my mother, had multiple affairs, left us when we were little and I could go on and on. I went a bit wild in my teens and slept around a little to deal with my issues. However I am fiercely loyal and despise cheats and have never cheated on my DH who I have been for over 20yrs. Don’t listen to his pathetic excuses. I don’t see anything in your OP which has shown any real remorse from your DH just lame excuses..... I feel for you I really do

[Minxmumma]

Sorry you are in this situation. No idea but treading the same path. My instinct says I won't be able to put it away but right now I have bigger issues than him. Serious illness and my dm is terminal, so that takes priority. I don't want to put my parents through the upset so am biding my time.
Who knows I might get over it but I will never trust him again.

[Fannybaws52]

OP, you make excuse after excuse for his shitty behaviour. The fact is many people come from rotted childhoods and don't end up lying, cheating arseholes.

He chose to put his penis in another woman instead of talking to your and fighting for your relationship. He is a coward and a selfish liar too.

You owe him NOTHING. The very least he could have done is given you some space to process your own emotions and thoughts. Everything has been about him - again.

Get through Christmas for the kids and then ask him to leave. Take time, see your therapist alone and work out what you want and deserve.

Make no mistake - he will cheat again! He will lie again and you will never be the same. The trust is gone.

[ShippingNews]

His "terrible childhood" sounds pretty OK to me. So he had a nice stepfather, an expensive education and he had to do his own homework and teach himself to ride a bike. Oooh dear how awful....NOT.

He is full of excuses , poor diddums. I'd suggest that "what to do next" would be to see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.

[MTBMummy]

Yes, lived through it, gave the bastard 8 years of my life.

First time, I forgave, the second time he blamed his past, the third time was my fault and he became emotionally and psychologically abusive, the 4th time I packed my bags and walked out.

We all have less than perfect pasts, we all have had shitty stuff happen to us, but we all have to take responsibilities for our own actions and not make others lives shitty.

[BarbedBloom]

I forgave my ex and when times got tough again, as they do, he cheated again. I now have a zero tolerance policy for cheating. I had an awful abusive childhood but I can't use that as an excuse almost 30 years later.

Life can be difficult, often is and now you know you can't trust him. Only you can decide if you can live with that.

[Floopyandtired]

I’m prepared to get flamed but I can empathise with your OH. And with you of course. I had a very straight laced upbringing with very little affection, I was never told I was loved and any interests I expressed were shot down. My mum repeatedly told me she’d never wanted children, etc. As a result I also seek validation from others and am an OTT people pleaser. Anything to feel loved and appreciated. What your husband did was shit, there’s no two ways about it, but he’s opened up to you about why he thinks this has happened and if you think you can work through it and rebuild that trust, go for it.

[MashedSpud]

It’s not got anything to do with his past and everything to do with his dick.

When you love someone you don’t do things that would hurt them.

[SpicyRibs]

He has explained that it wasn’t about me, he has been dealing with some issues Lately around his self worth and need of approval.

OP, what do you think about that excuse?

[Grumpos]

If he has actually apologised and accepted full blame for the affair then perhaps there is some hope, but if all he is doing is citing off the issues which made him act that way then that’s not taking responsibility and I woudknt be able to get past that:

“self worth” issues could be the reason he looks for validation and eventually led him to find it in another woman but unless he agrees that they are not good enough excuses and that he is to blame full stop and is actively addressing his low self esteem I would heavily doubt that that he wouldn’t do it again

I didn’t forgive an affair - he had similar reasons, not directly related to childhood but wanting validation, wanting to escape certain aspects of his life and past etc. At the time it made for quite sad listening but over time I just started to lose all respect for him, never once took actual responsibility. Always “I did X bc of X” - no you did it bc you wanted to get your dick wet and feel like the big man.
He’s still struggling with his issues and I’m happily settled elsewhere

[halloumi2019]

I wouldn’t stay with someone that has cheated on me either. As others have said, it wasn’t just 6 months of him fucking someone else, but 6 months of lies, deceit and manipulation etc too.

I would just be hyper aware to the fact that my husband doesn’t respect me at all - I mean, he wasn’t even going to come clean and tell you at the very least.

With your therapist, you should definitely work on your self esteem. You don’t need him. Respect yourself more.

Also, “his past making him do this” is bullshit - I don’t think it’s “extenuating circumstances” at all. He’s just making excuses. I would give his words much more weight if instead of making excuses, he was upfront and honest about how he betrayed you and fucked up.

[halloumi2019]

I think, generally speaking, that men actually respect women less if she stays with him after he cheated. There’s every chance he may cheat again if opportunity permits and his self esteem is low again...

[Cornish2]

If you accept his behaviour then you allow it and he got his cake and ate it as he'd always intended.
Don't allow yourself to be treated like this.

You owe yourself the respect he didn't think to give you while he was enjoying himself elsewhere and enjoying the thrill of lying to you ducking and diving and getting away with it.
He knew you could find out and was prepared to take that risk, probably because he's pretty sure all will be fine and the only person who has lost is you.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

I think, generally speaking, that men actually respect women less if she stays with him after he cheated.

I understand your point but how much can someone respect the person they've already chosen to cheat on? If respect were involved they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

[TheTrollFairy]

It’s not something I feel as though I could forgive. Not just for me, but for our DC. For me, it shows a lack of respect to the children that you would happily throw away your family for a fling.
I say this because I grew up in a world where my dad cheated on my mum. Our whole world broken apart. I can see the devastation it caused my mum and the horrible position it put me and my siblings in.
For me, my relationship works because there is trust, we allow eachother freedom without worry and by cheating this would be broken and I think it would be beyond fixable as I would suffocate my DP with mistrust and my mental health would suffer with the anxiety.

I’m not saying that others couldn’t fix it and the same applies for you. I think you need to decide if you can move on from this or if you will be living your life wondering where he is when he’s not with you.
Neither way will be easy sadly.

for you OP

[Queenest]

If his past was so shitty you would think he would value his current family situation even more, not dice with losing it. He won’t change. You know he won’t, which is why you’re having doubts. It’s your gut instinct talking to you... listen to it. Good luck OP

[HollowTalk]

If he felt he was so damaged by his childhood, he should have had therapy before getting involved with anyone.

He knows it's the one thing he can say that softens you, because you think of him as a vulnerable child and you want to make everything alright again. I would reconsider my relationship after his affair, but I'd also reconsider staying because of his emotional blackmail.

[Wafflecopter]

Oh God, please don’t waste your time on this bottom feeder.

Lots of people have childhood issues, I am one of them, do I go out looking for an ego boost at the expense of my husband because Mummy and Daddy didn’t love me enough?
No, because I’m not a twat.

He spent 6 months planning where to spend time with this woman, possibly time before that flirting and seeking her out, and pretty much just laughing at you behind your back with his actions.
A one off shag you could almost forgive, but a calculated affair? Nope.

Run and don’t look back.