Husband had an affair.....what to do next

[Notjustabrunette]

Hello all, my husband had an affair which last 6 months. He ended it, but I found out shortly after by accident. He wasn’t planning to fess up.
He has explained that it wasn’t about me, he has been dealing with some issues Lately around his self worth and need of approval. To give this some background his birth was the result of his parents having a work place affair. His dad was married with two kids, the wife found out that he had gotten an other woman pregnant and they all moved to Australia to never be seen again.
His mum left her husband and later remarried a man who although very nice was not very paternal. My husband was brought in as an only child in a strange environment as both parents did not give him time, but chose instead to through money at the situation. Examples of this would be that he went to a very good school but never helped with homework, they bought him a bike but didn’t teach him how to ride it.
As a couple we have grown apart the past couple of years after having children. My husband has become very focused on work as a way to ‘prove’ himself. He says the affair was about having someone else saying how amazing he is, not about replacing me.
We have been to couples therapy which has helped but in the last session (yesterday) was an
individual session for just me going through the past 6 months of pain, rejection and hurt has really thrown me. Is this something I can ever get ‘over’?
He is very regretful and is giving everything he can to put things right again but I cannot shake the feeling that he deceived me for 6 months!
Has anyone recovered from an affair?

I would have a really good think about how much it affects you day to day. If it's something that is constantly on your mind/clouding your thinking/making you feel horrible about yourself I would suggest you think about moving on.

It doesn't have to be all tears and unhappiness. A conscious decision on your part to just put yourself first.

I am very friendly with a couple where he cheated on her last year over a prolonged period. They got back together and decided to try and work on things but she tells me all the time that it still hurts her and she is thinking everyday about whether she is making the right choice. It's only you who knows how you feel!

This -

Those are some rather weak and self-centred reasons for hurting someone, don't you think? He is trying to place himself in the victim role so get out of responsiblity for his own behaviour. I don't think I could make an effort with someone to repair a relationship who makes such weak excuses for his behaviour.

I feel like if that was me then I’d leave him. When the trust has gone, it’s gone. Perhaps some people can get over it but I think most people wouldn’t be able too.

I suppose it depends how the relationship is viewed in the first place. I was with my ex for years more for convenience etc... we were just like friends. I wouldn’t have been devastated if he had an affair as I didn’t love him in that way.

If in the other hand my DH now had one, I don’t think I could ever trust again. I know o couldn’t forgive it even if I wanted too. It would eat me up. The betrayal of trust would be something I could to get over.

Of course he’s sorry, he’s been found out. I think you’re better than this OP. You deserve better. I think once a cheater there’s always the potential to do it again....

X

I thought I’d recovered from an affair. Well DH was more a serial one night stand predator!

We had a rocky relationship and when I found out I actually thought our relationship was better for a long time. DH actually seemed to have realized what he could lose, and was more respectful to me, we went to counseling etc. However I realise now it’s a pattern of treating women like objects and his cheating was low level abuse actually. He quite liked the fact that he could complain to all these other women about me, and became quite used to exaggerating how awful it was for him being in our relationship.

Something very, very toxic happens when one person has an affair OP. They cross the rubicon. Men often don’t seem to do it because there are problems with their relationship, they do it for entitlement and selfish reasons.

He was never going to tell you.

You’d never have known and he thought that was okay.

If I were you I’d go for really good counseling by yourself and kick him out for six months while you have a very good think about YOU. The problem with going back to someone who’s cheated is that they still hold a lot of power as they’ve demeaned us before and can do again. It often is skewed to them. We become worried about why they strayed and try to be sexier or less ‘difficult’.

Oh op he’s feeding you absolute crap.
My mum and dad had multiple affairs. When I was 4 my mum had a affair with my now step dad and ruined his family. My dad left and didn’t show his face for 23 years. My step dad wasn’t easy to live with. In fact if I told you the things that happened in my childhood you’d call it abuse. When my dad did show up again my mum had a affair with him and ripped our family to bits.
I worried that “cheating was in my blood” ITS NOT. I’ve been married to my dh for 10 years and have never ever come close to cheating on him even during the hard times in our marriage. I’ve seen and lived though what cheating can do to a family and id never put my children though it.
Your husbands excuses are feeble and disgusting.

I believe that marriage can survive affairs. However not in the cases that the cheater makes excuses and becomes a victim of it. You’ve been lied to and cheated on. Not him ! He needs to take responsibility for his actions.
I’m sorry to say but if I were you I’d wash my hands of him and move on with you life. How can you possibly ever trust this man again.

I agree with a pp - counselling can only get you so far. He has hurt you very badly and that can’t be erased or forgotten. Ultimately, your question is about forgiveness and whether you can achieve it because, totally unjustly, this is now actually all on you. You have to be able to forgive him and that’s basically the hardest task you’ll ever set yourself. And for the avoidance of doubt, in case you think I’m recommending forgiveness, I don’t think you’re in the least bit obliged to even contemplate it. I very much doubt I would.

He wasn't going to confess.
He's only making excuses because you found out.

Divorce him. You deserve better

@FudgeBrownie2019 has it in a nutshell here: If he can't own it, he can't atone for it.

OP, let's explore his 'reasons' here for a moment. He's saying that his fidelity in your relationship hinges on his past. His childhood. His issues. He can't do-over his childhood though can he? All he can realistically do at this point is to fully address it in therapy - and that depends on the effort he puts in. Even then, untangling childhood issues can take a considerable amount of time. Can you remain in limbo that long?

He's telling you that he cheated based on childhood experiences he cannot change, that you cannot change, and may always be a part of him and who he is. So he's not giving you much reassurance here is he?

Or he could be like a million other cheaters who blamestorm when caught and cite every other reason bar the one that makes you walk away - where he did it because he has no respect for you, does not value you, had no remorse when cheating, he can lie easily to you, and was cocky enough to think he would never get caught.

@halestorm and @FudgeBrownie2019 I agree.

However I’d also add be wary even if he does atone.

My DH did atone, he was truly sorry. He knew it was all him. He wanted to be a better man etc etc. And he was for a good while.

However unless they really address the underlying issue for THEM. It just resurfaces. I’ve now spent a few wasted years where the toxic part of DH slowly came back. It wasn’t through cheating this time, however it was to totally disregard the fundamental building blocks of a marriage, loyalty, trust, care, respect. His entitled was still there and now he’s absolutely unbearable and treats me like I’m a second class citizen.

Often the cheating is a symptom that there is something wrong with your DH Op. He’s right there. Unless he puts a huge amount of work in to fix it you are sunk. Unfortunately nothing you can do to fix it.

Shit childhood here. Makes me want to be a better person, not a worse one. I need a lot of validation too and have low self esteem but I am an adult and choose not to seek validation from anywhere that would hurt the ones I love or undo the hard work I've put into valuing my self.

For me it isn't about forgiving the affair. It's about knowing your partner is fundamentally different to who you thought you knew.

He is capable of something you didn't think he was capable of. It changes everything IMO.

It's not about rescuing the marriage by remembering the good things about him and taking into account his issues.

It's about deciding whether you want to be married to who he actually is. Who he is now.

You'll never trust him again, like I said he has fundamentally changed how you will see him for the rest of your lives.

I couldn't do it.

And it doesn't matter why he did it, what matters is whether you can cope with it. In my opinion you shouldn't have to.

If he has these issues he is an adult and the onus is on him to address it and work on his mental health.

It's not your responsibility to shoulder the burden of his baggage if it means shagging someone else and lying to you for 6 months.

What bothers me in these situations is that he claims he had an affair to make himself feel better about himself, with no thought whatsoever about how it would make you feel. I’m not sure I could ever get over that selfishness.

Utter selfishness. And deceit.

I couldn't get past it.

And how would you ever be able to trust him again?

None of the stuff about his parents or birth matters. That was all prior to him meeting and marrying you. Presumably he knew all about that shit then?
He is deliberately trying to come up with excuses to explain his bad behaviour.
For 6 MONTHS he lied to you, and ran around behind your back, cheating on you. Maybe he ended it, maybe he got dumped, maybe its still going on, who knows. He didn't confess. Did he (before he cheated) go into therapy because of his angst about his parents? I'm willing to bet he didn't. Did he talk it over with you, his wife? No, he just jumped into bed with someone else.
And that made him feel better. Which is all that counts.
Its up to you, obviously, whether you stay with your husband. But at minimum I would be telling him to cut the crap and start with being honest and accepting responsibility.
His dad didn't help with homework? Boo fucking hoo. How does shagging someone else help with that?
If you don't get angry, he's going to feel that him cheating was not only excusable, but acceptable. And if he suddenly remembers that his grandma didn't like him much, or his geography teacher was a bit mean to him once in 1983, what's to stop him doing it again?
If you are too understanding, he will take that as permission to whatever he likes because, you know, parent issues. I needed to find myself is a classic cheaters excuse
I'm so sorry he is such a shit and hope you are ok

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I'm six months down the line from finding out my DH had a ONS, so though it's not in quite the same league as a 6 month affair I understand some of what you are feeling - it is hell.

No two relationships are the same because all people are unique, so really only you can decide whether trying to move on with your DH would be worth it or not. I am trying to move on with my DH, however I will say that from the very beginning he took full responsibility for what he has done and has not made excuses. I can't tell you if it gets better or not, because for me it is still so raw and I am up and down like a yoyo - sometimes feeling really positive that all will be well and other times I feel like I have a black hole inside me that is slowly eating me alive. One thing I think is absolutely vital is that he fully understands what his actions have actually done to you, and that he is completely and genuinely remorseful. Some relationships survive infidelity and some don't - nobody on these forums can give you the answer you are looking for because we don't know, people can only advise you based on their own life experiences or what they 'think' they would do if it happened to them. What would your life look like without him? Would you at least cope financially? If the answer is yes then at least you have that if you do eventually decide to leave. All I know is that it is a conclusion you will have to come to over time and it can only be your choice, nobody else can make it for you. I am so truly sorry this has happened to you and for the pain you are going through. I truly don't understand this attitude some people have of cheating being okay so long as no-one finds out because they aren't hurting anybody. It is such a juvenile and stupid way of thinking

Oh and google Chump Nation

Its an eye opener for people who believe that their partner was just in need of a cuddle, and that by being extra nice to them they can save them

He may have had more than this one affair during your marriage.
Why do men do this blaming thing when they cheat?
It was my childhood
It’s because the wife is horrible
It’s because the wife focused to much on the children and not on them.
It’s the wife’s thought.
Blah, blah, blah.
It’s not because of any of these reasons it’s because he wants to fcuk someone new.

Fault not thought.

"He says the affair was about having someone else saying how amazing he is, not about replacing me."

exactly what my husband said, and a lady WineChoc said her husband said.

I got divorced and wish I hadn't in the face of cold hard realities (pension, my insecure old age, protecting the children, ring fencing family assets). Not because he is any less of a selfish emotionally shallow POS. He is that anyway so what could I have done to protect my family better?

"It’s not because of any of these reasons it’s because he wants to fcuk someone new."

He absolutely said that truth. It was because she was a new .....

I do lots more individual therapy as well as couple therapy and decide what you really want. Relationships can and do recover from affairs but there has to be lots of work put in. Only you can make the decision

I think it would be advisable to live apart for a bit and gain some perspective about what you want.

He is playing the victim at the moment and fully immersed in the 'poor me ' script. Seems very manipulative.

I think a more honest answer would be an opportunity presented for a bit of fun and he chanced it. He fancied a bit of variety and felt entitled enough to pursue it.

What are your reasons for staying in this relationship OP? Is there enough of a trade off to make it worthwhile for you?

No. This is why I’m a single parent.