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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be proud of my son??

30 replies

citcatgirl45 · 11/12/2019 22:04

My son is 11 and absolutely loves performing. His headmaster and drama teacher think I should apply for him to get a scholarship at one of the stage schools. He is a bit of a diva and everytime he performs in something he is told by people how good he is. The problem is though is that my husband finds him embarassing and says that these people are mocking him and I am stupid for seeing them as genuine. We need to stop encouraging him as he is just a target for people to laugh at. He says it isn't all to with his gender and he would still be embarassed if it was his daughter on the stage.

If I apply for any type of scholarship I am setting him up for a life of mockery and he will not be part of it.

I think these people are genuine and really do think he is good. AIBU to do what I think it is right for son and go against my husbands wishes?? He doesnt come to all his performances now because he finds it really had to watch but when he does he comes out on a real low whereas everyone else comes out on a real high. He thinks we are making it a whole lot worse by saying we are so proud of him he just ducks his head in pure embarassment.

OP posts:
BudgieHammockBananaSmuggler · 11/12/2019 22:09

Damn right you should be proud of him and make sure he knows it. To me the obvious question is does your husband worry he might be gay, disapproves of this, and somehow believes he can change his destiny by not encouraging his theatrical pursuits?

Pipandmum · 11/12/2019 22:11

If he wants to pursue it and you are behind him great. If he gets in then that's validation that he has talent. It doesn't gaurantee success but if hes passionate about it he should give it a go. Too bad your husband can't get over whatever issue he has to support his child. Has the drama teacher spoken to your husband? Maybe an outsiders opinion will persuade him.

DeathStare · 11/12/2019 22:14

Is your husband usually this cynical and distrusting? If he is then I think he needs some counselling.

Or is it that he wants a different path for your DC? (Is he a committed academic for example?) In that case I think he needs to realise that his DC may well take a different path from him and he needs to accept that and be proud of who you are.

I seriously think you need to sort this with your husband before he causes your DS some real damage. To be honest I wouldn't stay with someone who rejected my (and their) child like this and made them feel ashamed of something they should be proud of

CareOfPunts · 11/12/2019 22:14

YANBU

Your husband is a total arsehole.

isitxmasyet · 11/12/2019 22:15

Well in all honesty it is hard to be objective about your own kids talents and drama teachers are usually pretty effusive about their students so tbh whilst I’d encourage my children to pursue something if they are keen (so it should come from your son and no one else if he is to take it further) I would always be mindful that they may not be the next big thing and try to exercise some caution with the whole ‘oh darling you are amazing and the best ever’ type praise.

Don’t set him up as being the next star of stage and screen until you perhaps have a bit more to go on than a local drama teacher and your own love and appreciation of your own child.

That aside- your DH is a dick and sounds very damaging with his embarrassment and negativity. It’s not hard to just be supportive of your own children and rejoice in them doing what they enjoy.

I wonder if your own unchecked conviction that your son is the best ever is driving him or if he is just nasty. Either way he could word his caution more constructively. If he is actually saying verbatim what you describe then he’s nasty.

BlueJava · 11/12/2019 22:17

Support your DS. It sounds like "D"P has some issues! Good luck to DS being a success with the scholarship

Crispyturtle · 11/12/2019 22:18

Better to set him up to for a lifetime of mockery than a lifetime of unfulfilled potential. And tbh the mockery but is bollocks. How sad that your husband is ashamed of your son, I would find that so upsetting & deeply unattractive. Apply for the scholarships, maybe one day your son will be thanking you in his Oscars acceptance speech!

cheesenpickle · 11/12/2019 22:20

Your husband is being ridiculous and I don't believe for 1 minutes he would have the same attitude if it was his daughter wanting to perform. My son who is 8 loves performing, goes to 2 classes a week. I don't know or care really if he is good enough to go to drama school, all that matters is that he enjoys it. I'm so.proud of him in.performances mostly because his face is just of some one who.Is having the best time. If that's what your son wants then you should support him regardless of what your husband thinks.

Chinainmyhand · 11/12/2019 22:23

Unless people are just being polite and your dh genuinely sees something different. My DD is obsessed with gymnastics trains quite a bit and people are forever saying how wonderful she is at it. The reality is they feel awkward saying she is crap when she obviously loves it so much.
Obviously your dh could just be a dick but depends what he is normally like.

bellsandbsubles · 11/12/2019 22:26

As long as your son is happy, support him 100%
Speaking from experience, and coming from a working class background, my DS was the same, huge interest in drama and performing arts from secondary school.
Teachers saw great potential, he joined a local drama group, then went on to the national youth theatre, did a college diploma in performing arts and graduated last year from university with a first in acting.
He's currently on tour in London, and in the process of setting up his own drama school for similar kids up north who faced the same hurdles he once did.
My EXH constantly told him this was a waste of time, he should do plumbing or a "mans trade".
Put him down at every opportunity he got.
Thankfully my sons passion and talent were stronger than his fathers small mind.
Tell your son to follow his dreams!
I'm afraid your DH is a colossal arsehole.

ManonBlackbeak · 11/12/2019 22:27

Your husband is a twat.

rhubarbcrumbles · 11/12/2019 22:27

YANBU to be proud of your children.

Original poster
citcatgirl45 · 11/12/2019 22:35

Thank you for all the replies. I just began doubting my own belief in him. My sister is gay as are 2 of my cousins so this is definitely something my husband worries about but no one in the family does anything remotely creative so absolutely no idea where he gets his theatrical ability from. He is very much his own person and will do what he wants to do and doesn't care what anyone says!!!

OP posts:
Baileyscheesecake · 11/12/2019 22:35

What does your son want to do and how strongly does he feel about it. Ultimately it’s his life, his decisions to make - not your husbands. Maybe you should discuss various options with your son - point out the pros and cons of his various choices and then support whatever he chooses to do. Wishing him good luck whatever he does 🙂

OxfordCat · 11/12/2019 22:38
  1. Please listen to your child's wants and needs first and foremost (not yours, or the school or your DH). If your DS wants to go for it then absolutely support him.
  2. I suspect your husband has a concealed homophobia. This is a massive concern for your son and could be HUGELY damaging for him.

I've taught young people and I've seen boys who loved performing arts a number of whom were clearly gay but have lived their lives in the closet during to this type of family attitude. One of them even went on to have a sham marriage which all came out on the end, all to appease his domineering father. He is now a heavy drinker and his acting career has stalled. Very sad.

Pieceofpurplesky · 11/12/2019 22:38

Make your DH watch Billy Elliot!
Seriously, go with what your DS wants and encourage him to be himself

OxfordCat · 11/12/2019 22:39

Cross posted with your update OP. Okay, so a barely concealed homophobia in fact. Appalling.

Lindy2 · 11/12/2019 22:52

At 11 your son should be able to let you know whether stage school is what he wants and whether he is happy to give it the commitment it needs.

By applying for the scholarship you'll find out for sure if he has a real talent. The auditions for the scholarship will determine whether he makes the cut or not.

I have a good friend who is an actor. When I see him on tv it does always feel a bit odd. I find it hard to see him as anyone else apart from my friend so never quite see him as the character he's playing. It's a bit hard to explain but even though I find it odd I can clearly see he has a real talent. Maybe your husband finds it strange watching him on stage. He does sound very unsupportive though. If your son loves performing and tries his best that's enough to make most parents proud.

EKGEMS · 12/12/2019 01:23

I respect your son and his talent despite having 50% DNA from a caveman

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 12/12/2019 02:30

What does your son want? That for me would be all that’s matters?

DeathStare · 12/12/2019 02:39

My sister is gay as are 2 of my cousins so this is definitely something my husband worries about

Why on earth would the idea that your DS could be gay be something your DH WORRIES about? (Though your sister and cousins being gay don't make this any more/less likely - it's not catching!)

So your DH is homophobic and puts your DS down and refuses to accept and value what he is good at. Why are you with him?

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 12/12/2019 02:50

It's like Billy Elliot's story.
Be proud of your son and let him shine

JustACog · 12/12/2019 02:51

Get Billy Elliott on the TV and make DH watch it on repeat

JustACog · 12/12/2019 02:52

@Hellofromtheotherside2020

Great minds....!

Thatagain · 12/12/2019 08:51

YANBU. To be proud of your children. I would listen to him and ask him questions. My son had the opportunity to study at uni for 4 days a week instead of going to school he is well above his piers at media and English and was introduced and invited. We had several conversations with him about it and decided that it was best for him to stay at collage with is friends. He would've had to travel 3 hour's a day and at the age of 14 we all made the decision that he could start uni when his gcse/A levels are done. He seems much happier and relaxed now and is concentrateing on his school work with a distinction in media. Just ask him and concider the pros/cons.

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