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Original poster

thinking about divorce 1 month after the wedding...

116 replies

whitestar13 · 11/12/2019 12:54

I really need help and your opinions about this, am I being unreasonable of thinking of getting a divorce just 1 month after our wedding?
i will try to explain it shortly: I've just moved to an other country because of my husband (we are not the same nationality), I gave up my job in order to be toghether. We decided mutually that i would come to live with him because of the better ecnomic possibilities for both of us. I left behind friends and family, and a very sunny place to be toghether. I never questioned this decision as I knew that in the long run we would have a better life here. So i started to do everything in order to integrate myself better in this new placw, from January i will start language courses, to learn the local language, I joined the gym, the local library.... and I've been here less then two weeks now. What i am trying to say is that I am nt sitting at home in front of the telly, but I am going out, doing the shopping, cooking making order and rearranging the flat as my husband is not the best to keep things in order, to put it nicely....
My problem is this, since almost the first day that i arrived he has been pushing me to get a job... Don'tmisunderstand me, I intend to go back to work because staying at home makes me feel very depressed, but i haven't been able yet to close all my businesses in my country of origin... I still have to travel back and bring my stuff here ( I just arrived with one luggage), I have to translate most of my documents, I have to close my flat where I am still paying rent, etc. Not to mention that everybody says to me that if i don't speak the local language I won't be able to have a decent job, just manual work, and since I am university educated this doesn't seem like a good solution. You don't have to think that we are in extrem need of money, I have something saved up, and my husband is a dentist.... I don't evenknow how to say this, I am so sad, we just had a major arguement about this subject, I hoped that he would understand that i needed time to integrate and to finish things in my old country and start this intensive language course ( 3 times per week, 4 hours per day) before i will start to look for a job. We haven't even been to a honeymoon yet, I was asking him when he will want to go, because this is also something to know before i start to look for a job, but he is always very vague about it... in the meantime he is also pushing for us to have a baby, even though I told him i would prefer to wait for some month with it, until things settle down little bit and be less chaotic... I just feel like he wants everything now and on his own terms and doesn't care at all about my needs. Just like with the wedding; i wanted a small one, but we ended up having a big that I had to organise ....
So i just told him that i needed time until the end of Febuary, to finish wih everything (packing and transfering, with which by the way he is not helping at all) and also to start the language course in January ( i couldn't find one that starts sooner, obviously everybody is getting ready for Xmas now) so at least I will be able to write in my C:V that i am learning the language...
So my question is, am I unreasonable for saying tht i will start to look for a job after the end of Febuary? (and believe me, we are not starving, he is earning around 6-7000 euro per month).
So we just had a huge argument about it, where he gratiously agreed on 'giving me time', whereas I feel I shouldn't even ask for it... I got very angry and I told him I want a divorce, to which he replyed that ii's ok for him...
Just as a side note I have to tell, that I never asked anything from him, nor money, nor nothing, I paid for all my travelling (even when we wnt to visit his family) and the biggest present I got from him was a parfume....
Until now it was all ok for me, but this recent behaviour of him makes me very sad. I thought that marriage was about loving and sharing. I gave up everything for him and he can't accept that I need some time to get used of my new surroundings.... the lowest point was when I complained about the disorder he makes every time ( I have to pick up his clothes from the floor) and him saying that anyhow I live here and I am using HIS water... so what's the fuss about...
Any answer would be appreciated, I feel very sad and lonely...

OP posts:
HopeItComesWithBatteries · 11/12/2019 17:00

Whitestar13 you sound lovely and a very decent life partner. Brave, sensible and willing to take risks to make your husband happy.

He, currently, not so much so.

Rest assured you have done nothing wrong, take a deep breath and then think calmly and sensibly about everything.

It is fair to say that many new husbands don’t instantly get the changes they need to make upon marriage and need some gentle steering and discussions to get them on track. They haven’t thought about this fully before.

However there is a difference between that and being a total bellend with abusive traits, and many shades of grey in between. You are in the best position to judge where on the scale he lies, but so far he’s not covering himself in glory.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and as a wife of several decades I have to tell you the first 18 months are critical for setting the tone ( in a positive way as far as possible) for setting the tone of your marriage.

JavaQ · 11/12/2019 17:05

YANBU

IHateBlueLights · 11/12/2019 17:14

There is no happiness to be had with this man. Leave him.

RhinoskinhaveI · 11/12/2019 17:21

I gave up everything for him
and you set the tone for the rest of the relationship, you showed him that you were willing to sacrifice yourself for him

RhinoskinhaveI · 11/12/2019 17:23

make sure you dont get pregnant, but I would be stealthy about this and not let him know, you'll have to bide your time until you can see an escape route and then go for it!

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2019 17:24

Sell nothing, close nothing.

Go home.

This will not improve.

Groovinpeanut · 11/12/2019 17:25

Ah OP you need to leave this guy and his water ( CF he isCrown Hmm) and go home.
You've still got 'roots' there. You have your flat, possessions etc. I'm guessing you thought you'd hit the jackpot with a well paid dentist. Sadly if something is too good to be true, it usually is. He's not right for you.
Badgering you to find a job, have a baby, pick up after him and using his water 😮 ( I still can't believe he said that, what a Muppet he is)
Go home and get on with your life without this man in it. He's not a nice guy.

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2019 17:25

"the problem is that by going back home i would so much disappoint everyone" Please please please think about yourself here. This is your one special, precious and amazing life.

If this is what you want, great, if not, cut your loses and move back home. He can woo you from afar if he chooses.

if you are not happy do not stay.

Saying that my first year of marriage was hard as I was mid to late 30s and not used to the commitment of a shared home etc, had never lived with anyone before. Year one was hard. For us the good bit was we knew each other very well over a three year period and so we did know what we were getting into. It almost sounds to me if you did not.

But either way, do not so anything for friends and family, really, if they love you they will want the best for you. If they do not want the best for you, do not allow them to live vicariously through you.

ConferencePear · 11/12/2019 17:25

I have to pick up his clothes from the floor and him saying that anyhow I live here and I am using HIS water... so what's the fuss about...

The alone would be enough to make me leave. You don't have to explain to anyone why. Would they rather be disappointed than see you happy ? It IS a shame when things don't work out but better face the facts now than condemn yourself to a miserable life.

needsahouseboy · 11/12/2019 17:26

I cannot think why you married him in the first place! He was letting you pay for all your travelling!
He sounds like a sexist, abusive prick. Leave him and go home.

TildaKauskumholm · 11/12/2019 17:33

Using his water... Shock yes he seems quite controlling and while it seems you did rush into marriage without discussing these things first, there's no shame in admitting you made a mistake. Your family and friends would rather that than you feel compelled to stay in an unsuitable marriage.

Blueopal15 · 11/12/2019 17:38

The first year of marriage is tough and involves a lot of adjustments - to me though this sounds much more than that ....think very carefully before you give up your past securities

HyacynthBucket · 11/12/2019 17:38

You have your own flat in your original home. Go back and make a life there if you like the place. This man is not going to change for the better. Get out now, while you can! He sounds awful.

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2019 17:42

"But either way, do not do anything just for friends and family"

HamAndPineapple · 11/12/2019 17:46

Be brave. Do what's right for you. I had last minute children with an abusive arsehole, God Help Me, it is the legacy that keeps on giving.

If you have your own home, go back to it! Tell people on your own terms when you're ready.

I read a book shortly after I left my x, Anne Dickson's ''A woman in your own right'' and something she said really struck a chord and soothed me, and it was simply this.

I have the right to make a mistake

MitziK · 11/12/2019 17:47

Go home. Even if it's under the pretext of fetching your stuff, go home.

Stay there and divorce him, as it's only going to get worse from here on.

FlamingoQueen · 11/12/2019 18:01

If you still have a house then I would go back there. It’s better to do it now whilst there are no children involved. I’m sorry!

AlwaysCheddar · 11/12/2019 18:26

Do not have a baby with him. Go home now, get divorced.

Angelil · 11/12/2019 18:31

Surely @Bluerussian is right. Would you not be eligible for an annulment?

Whatisthisfuckery · 11/12/2019 18:45

OP none fo this sounds right. You’ve rushed into marriage with a man you hardly know. He’s insisted on a massive wedding when all you wanted was a small do. The cynic in me would suggest that was to make it harder for you to backtrack. You’ve moved away from your home country and all your family and friends. You’re spending your savings despite him making good money, which again, the cynic in me might think is purposely done to make you financially dependent. He wants you to have a baby straight away, which the cynic in me is saying is to further trap you with no way of escape. Quite how he expects you to learn the language at the same time as getting a job at the same time as having a baby I don’t know, it all sounds massively unreasonable.

I think you’re right, you should run, because it sounds like if he gets his way you’ll be trapped and isolated in a foreign country, knocked up and completely reliant on him, At the moment I’m afraid the red flags are billowing in the wind for all to see.

Honestly, sod what other people think. It’s your life, and you shouldn’t have to be miserable. They can think and say what they like, it’s not them who’d have to live it.

Alleycat1 · 11/12/2019 18:55

I agree with everything Whatisthis fuckerysaid. Run and don't look back.

Hepsibar · 11/12/2019 18:58

Please dont give up all your own businesses and flat.

This man sounds like a total control freak and I think you would be better off without him. He is showing his true self now he has you married. Do not give up your independence nor get immediately pregnant ... as you will very likely be left with you and a child to fend for.

Take care. Please document and date everything so you have a record for the future if needed.

BottleBeach · 11/12/2019 19:01

If you have a baby, then decide to separate you will need to think about the practicalities of your child’s relationship with their father. If you wanted to move back to your own country, you would need his permission or a court order, so you might find you have no choice but to stay. If your earnings are limited due to language skills or time out of work for the baby, life as a single parent without support from your friends and family back home would look pretty bleak.

Bluerussian · 11/12/2019 19:06

I looked up the grounds for an annulment in the UK and, from what the op has told us, she does not have those grounds. However I believe there are vartiations and certain other things may be allowed; for example, I knew of a couple whose marriage was annulled because one of them was unfaithful after being married for six weeks. Another case which I read about was two eighteen year olds, still at school, who got married and shortly afterwards the guy completed chickened out so an annulment was granted.

It's worth looking into. At the very least the op can truthfully say that the married life which she was promised did not happen nor was it likely to.

The important thing is to find a matrimonial solicitor who knows his/her stuff and will also know judges who will be sympathetic.

Very good luck , whitestar! Please keep us posted and I hope that, within a year, you will be free to find someone else but do get to know him well first.

Flowers
Spitsandspots · 11/12/2019 19:21

am I unreasonable for saying tht i will start to look for a job after the end of Febuary?

3 months to even start looking is a very long time tbh so I do think YABU about that.

He sounds like he wants everything on his terms so YANBU to contemplate divorce just one month after the wedding.