Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

thinking about divorce 1 month after the wedding...

116 replies

whitestar13 · 11/12/2019 12:54

I really need help and your opinions about this, am I being unreasonable of thinking of getting a divorce just 1 month after our wedding?
i will try to explain it shortly: I've just moved to an other country because of my husband (we are not the same nationality), I gave up my job in order to be toghether. We decided mutually that i would come to live with him because of the better ecnomic possibilities for both of us. I left behind friends and family, and a very sunny place to be toghether. I never questioned this decision as I knew that in the long run we would have a better life here. So i started to do everything in order to integrate myself better in this new placw, from January i will start language courses, to learn the local language, I joined the gym, the local library.... and I've been here less then two weeks now. What i am trying to say is that I am nt sitting at home in front of the telly, but I am going out, doing the shopping, cooking making order and rearranging the flat as my husband is not the best to keep things in order, to put it nicely....
My problem is this, since almost the first day that i arrived he has been pushing me to get a job... Don'tmisunderstand me, I intend to go back to work because staying at home makes me feel very depressed, but i haven't been able yet to close all my businesses in my country of origin... I still have to travel back and bring my stuff here ( I just arrived with one luggage), I have to translate most of my documents, I have to close my flat where I am still paying rent, etc. Not to mention that everybody says to me that if i don't speak the local language I won't be able to have a decent job, just manual work, and since I am university educated this doesn't seem like a good solution. You don't have to think that we are in extrem need of money, I have something saved up, and my husband is a dentist.... I don't evenknow how to say this, I am so sad, we just had a major arguement about this subject, I hoped that he would understand that i needed time to integrate and to finish things in my old country and start this intensive language course ( 3 times per week, 4 hours per day) before i will start to look for a job. We haven't even been to a honeymoon yet, I was asking him when he will want to go, because this is also something to know before i start to look for a job, but he is always very vague about it... in the meantime he is also pushing for us to have a baby, even though I told him i would prefer to wait for some month with it, until things settle down little bit and be less chaotic... I just feel like he wants everything now and on his own terms and doesn't care at all about my needs. Just like with the wedding; i wanted a small one, but we ended up having a big that I had to organise ....
So i just told him that i needed time until the end of Febuary, to finish wih everything (packing and transfering, with which by the way he is not helping at all) and also to start the language course in January ( i couldn't find one that starts sooner, obviously everybody is getting ready for Xmas now) so at least I will be able to write in my C:V that i am learning the language...
So my question is, am I unreasonable for saying tht i will start to look for a job after the end of Febuary? (and believe me, we are not starving, he is earning around 6-7000 euro per month).
So we just had a huge argument about it, where he gratiously agreed on 'giving me time', whereas I feel I shouldn't even ask for it... I got very angry and I told him I want a divorce, to which he replyed that ii's ok for him...
Just as a side note I have to tell, that I never asked anything from him, nor money, nor nothing, I paid for all my travelling (even when we wnt to visit his family) and the biggest present I got from him was a parfume....
Until now it was all ok for me, but this recent behaviour of him makes me very sad. I thought that marriage was about loving and sharing. I gave up everything for him and he can't accept that I need some time to get used of my new surroundings.... the lowest point was when I complained about the disorder he makes every time ( I have to pick up his clothes from the floor) and him saying that anyhow I live here and I am using HIS water... so what's the fuss about...
Any answer would be appreciated, I feel very sad and lonely...

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 11/12/2019 15:02

It sounds like you've both put a lot of pressure on yourselves to fast forward everything because you feel like you're coming to it all a bit later than you'd like.

Sadly, age doesn't make a difference when it comes to a) trying to happily blend two lives, or b) whether someone is an arseholey horrible partner.

From what you've said its hard to tell if the issue is that you are rushing A, just B, or a combination of both. You're right to be concerned though as this isn't what the beginning of a happy marriage should look like. The situation (or maybe just him) is laying the foundations for resentment and misery. As others have said, be very careful about contraception and don't put other peoples feelings about your situation above your own - you can't spend the rest of your life with a man purely to not upset your mother (or whoever else).

I'd not rush ant decisions - set yourself a time frame to sort your thoughts out in.

Topseyt · 11/12/2019 15:06

I think you might need to return home and pick up your career again before it is too late.

Do not get pregnant. If you have a baby with this man while living in another country it could become much more difficult for you to return home with your child if you do split up, especially if you are living in a country that is signed up to the Hague Convention. He would have to give his written permission for you to take the child back home with you, so I understand.

I think it sounds like he is being an arse, and behaving very unfairly now that he thinks he has you where he wants you. Perhaps you should show him that he doesn't have control of you and return to your previous life. Get it back on track.

You had been together only a year before the wedding. It seems you didn't know him as well as you thought and he probably behaved nicely in order to hook you in. Now that you are married and living away from your family and support network his mask is coming off and he is showing you who he really is. Listen to him and get out while you still can. He isn't a nice person and your life won't be pleasant if you stay with him.

ChampagneCommunist · 11/12/2019 15:07

Would I be totally wide of the mark to ask if he/his family is of SE Asian descent?

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/12/2019 15:12

Did you marry him, perhaps, because of family pressure? That's why you didn't know each other for very long - was everyone telling you he was your 'last chance' to avoid being single forever?

Look, I'm 59, nothing to look at and poor, but I am beating them off with a stick. There are plenty of other, better men out there. Go home, tell your family that you will NEVER rush into a relationship again and take up your old flat and business again.

MsPepperPotts · 11/12/2019 15:17

Oh dear OP this is not a good situation at all for you.
He sounds terrible.
Don't worry about the fact that you think you have disappointed other people...it's you life.
He has absolutely zero respect for you or probably any woman for that matter.
There's absolutely nothing worse than being with someone like this.
Leave and do not look back at all.
People make mistakes but the biggest one would be having children with this abusive man.

MummyJasmin · 11/12/2019 15:19

Go home. Dont get pregnant.
Having children with him would be a bigger mistake than marrying him!

Grumpelstilskin · 11/12/2019 15:37

Crikey, if it is that bad in what should literally be your honeymoon phase, it will get worse. He is already showing you that he is financially and emotionally controlling, utterly inconsiderate and totally lacks any empathy or understanding just how much you have given up to be there with him. Please don't feel some misplaced sense of duty to stay put. You won't disappoint anyone. It is much easier to get out now while you still have your place and stuff in your own country. There is probably a reason why no one else snapped up that 'dreamboat' of your new husband, he expects a woman to pick up his dirty underpants, be a subservient wifey and pay her own way!

Shoxfordian · 11/12/2019 15:42

Go home, file for divorce and realise you can fix this mistake. Don't stay married and miserable out of a misplaced sense of pride

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2019 15:43

Op. Was it a long distance relationship? You sound like you barely know each other.

Obligatorync · 11/12/2019 15:50

It seems like you didn't have any of these important conversations before you got married. Lots of people don't, myself included.
You need to have the conversations now, especially as there are some issues emerging, and make your decision from there.
I wouldn't finish everything off back home until you've done that.

FrownPrincess · 11/12/2019 15:54

You have just one life, don’t throw yours away on a man who sounds unfeeling and ungenerous. A financially abusive partner will suck all joy from your life and destroy your self-esteem. And that’s without factoring in children, who are a huge drain on finances ...

You risk spending your life justifying every expenditure as you will never be on a par with him as regards earnings. He will feel that you are beholden to him as the bigger earner. He told you who he is when he mentioned that you are using his water. What kind of a person is so petty that they even think about something like that, let alone actually say it? If you displease him will he cut off the water so you can’t use it?

Don’t worry about upsetting your family if you leave this man, worry more about your future if you stay with him.

SourAndSnippy · 11/12/2019 15:56

Friends and family might be disappointed if you divorce and go home but they will be disappointed FOR you not disappointed IN you. Some marriages don’t work out, doing something about it shows you are being sensible and brave. If I were you family I would desperately want you to do what is right for you and and would be very sad if I thought you would feel embarrassed about it.

if you do decide to get divorced my advice would be to really own the decision and to be upfront with your friends and family. They will understand. They is no need to give any details if you don’t want to. Just tell people that you realised that you don’t get on and that you want different things out of life.
Good luck.

Thehagonthehillwithtinsel · 11/12/2019 16:10

Better to face people being disappointed for a short while (though there will be fair few who will be relieved) than deeply unhappy and trapped for years.

FLOrenze · 11/12/2019 16:18

The saying, “when someone tells you who they are, you should listen” is very true in this case. He is telling you he is thoughtless and selfish. You still have a home in your home country, please return before you have invested too much time and heartache in this relationship.

A few months of embarrassment is so much better than the alternatives.

rhubarbcrumbles · 11/12/2019 16:20

Make sure you have decentr contraception. You don't want to be stuck in your new country and unable to leave.

Mix56 · 11/12/2019 16:29

It sounds miserable, what kind of menial job does he want you to do until you have a baby & end up being his servant ?
Go home to the people who love you.

TheMustressMhor · 11/12/2019 16:32

OP, you sound so sad and worn out. That's not what people in the first weeks and months of marriage usually feel like.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation but it would surely be better to go back home, where you still have a flat, and carry on with whatever work you had before you left.

It doesn't matter who you think you might be disappointing. That is absolutely irrelevant.

You don't have children so make sure you don't inadvertently become pregnant now.

You only get one shot at life. Your husband is draining the life out of you and making you terribly unhappy. It really doesn't sound like it's worth it.

Graphista · 11/12/2019 16:32

One year of knowing each other before marriage is not very long at all and it sounds like it was long distance/you didn’t live together before marrying too so you barely knew each other!

My ex was army so I know the trials of moving due to his career and adjusting to living in a new country too as we spent several years living in Northern Europe and when we first moved there, even though I’d lived there as a child (dad also army) this was a very different experience.

As a child we lived on the base and really only mixed with the other army families, I went to an army school and didn’t need to deal with language or other issues with living in another country as I was still quite young so parents dealt with all that.

As an adult we lived off base due to lack of housing on base so were living within the normal community of those country’s, I had to learn the language (the only one I knew was when we were in Germany I’d learnt a little at school) inc colloquialisms plus quite honestly modern languages are taught very poorly in the Uk and we’re not used to people speaking at normal speed etc - ridiculous really! Plus there are cultural things to learn and ways of how things operate eg the shopping and taxi systems were very different to Uk.

It was a culture shock for us both but I’d say a bit easier for my then husband as he at least had work to occupy him and support his self esteem.

I too am a graduate but due to lack of language and non-transferable qualifications I couldn’t do my normal job there, so my options were limited to the jobs available on base with the civil service and various small Uk retail branches.

I did find a job I loved eventually but it took time, it also took time to settle in and acclimatise.

We were advised by both our sets of parents (both dads ex army) not to visit Uk in first 6 months as the homesickness is just too much and you don’t want to go back, but to give it a chance to settle in and not even call home too often.

They were right.

The first few months were really tough and I had times when I cried and felt it had been a mistake to go with him, but as time went on things got easier, I learned the language, got to know neighbours, got used to how things worked, found my first job (was in a shop so no great shakes career wise but made friends there that I am still in touch with today).

In the end I had a fantastic time and given the opportunity I’d live in any of those countries again like a shot I’d even consider trying a country I’ve not yet lived in if I had the means.

The difficulty here for you is assessing whether it’s culture shock/homesickness, or whether it’s the relationship or a bit of both.

He needs to give you time and space to adjust. He also needs to be pulling his weight at home!

Ok you’re not working right now so fair enough if most of the household chores are down to you I think BUT that doesn’t extend to him not cleaning/tidying up after himself! He’s not a child and you are neither his mother nor his slave. It’s incredibly disrespectful to leave his personal mess for you to clean up.

So you need to tell him this.

Does he treat you fairly in other ways? With money? With affection? Those things tell you if he cares.

And having a baby would be a HUGE mistake this early on. You need to see if the marriage is working first and if emigrating has worked for you, because if there are any doubts throwing a baby into the mix would be a disaster for all concerned.

“I honestly wouldn't give up your flat and close all your businesses until you are 100% sure.” I agree - maybe you can arrange something temporary until you’re sure? A tenant for the flat and someone to run the businesses?

“Everybody was so happy, that finally at the age 38 I got married...” but they’re not having to live it! This is your life you need to be the one happy living it

Ferretyone · 11/12/2019 16:38

@whitestar13

I am uncertain ...

If you married in England then you will have to wait 12 months from the date of your marriage to start proceedings.

You really must find some way of getting reliable legal advice from a lawyer in the country of marriage

Bluerussian · 11/12/2019 16:44

In your position I would return to my home country and to my flat. You've only been married 'five minutes' and may have grounds for an annulment which would be better than divorce.

Please prioritise your peace of mind over what your family will say.

However your husband may realise he is being unreasonable and try to address that if you leave. Just let him know that you will go - and make arrangements to go.

Good luck and I'm sorry it is turning out like it is.

Flowers
BlouseAndSkirt · 11/12/2019 16:45

Did you live with him before you got married?

During the 'almost a year' that you spent together, were you mostly in the same country?

Do you speak the language at all? How will you get a job after one month's language learning?

Do you and he share a language between you in which you are fluent?

He is being extremely unreasonable and unpleasant.

aveenos · 11/12/2019 16:52

goodness, run. imagine having a baby with him - he probably would put you under more pressure. Looks like he is showing his true colours now.

have you actually lived with for an extended period of time?

JinglingHellsBells · 11/12/2019 16:52

It sounds like an arranged marriage- was it?

You cannot divorce after a month. Depending on where you married, you may have to wait a year and the grounds for divorce will differ in different countries. Was it a UK wedding? You could divorce him for unreasonable behaviour but you will need to keep records.

You can leave him and file for divorce when legally possible.

managedmis · 11/12/2019 16:53

Which country?

aveenos · 11/12/2019 16:55

You cannot divorce after a month. Depending on where you married, you may have to wait a year and the grounds for divorce

true. happened to a German friend last year. She decided she wanted a divorce and had to wait 12 months...

but you could still move back and get on with your own life!

Swipe left for the next trending thread