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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my three-year-old sleep in our bed?

74 replies

Brittany2019 · 10/12/2019 17:06

My three-year-old used to be a great sleeper and would sleep all night in her own bed easily. For the last two months or so, though, she wakes up several times a night, quite distressed.

Unfortunately one night while we were away without DP, I made the mistake of letting her come into my bed, and now she wants to get into our bed almost every night.

We've been returning her to her own bed, but she's still scared and wants one of us to stay with her, so every night we have a battle. We've tried night lights etc, but nothing seems to help.
This has been going on for a good few weeks now, and I'm tired of it (in all senses of the word).

WIBU just to give up and let her come into our bed when she wants? Our bed is big enough, tbh. Or would this mean she's going to be sleeping with us for years to come?

OP posts:

Original poster

Brittany2019 · 10/12/2019 17:24

bump

OP posts:

mindutopia · 10/12/2019 17:27

I think if it works, then do it. My eldest slept with us every night from birth til she was 3.5. Then one day she announced she wanted to start sleeping all night in her room and so that’s what we did (with a bit of gentle support during the night for a week or two if she did wake). It was really no big deal and we got plenty of sleep as a result. I have better things to do that being up all night taking a child back to their room over and over. Dd is nearly 7 now and has slept well since. Our nearly 2 year old also sleeps with us and I’m in no hurry to change that because I like sleep.

Maneandfeathers · 10/12/2019 17:29

DS is sleeping in our bed at the moment, he is 3.5 as we went through a similar stage.

To be honest I’m lazy, I can’t be bothered to have him so upset and loose all my sleep and have to work the next day as I have a job where I need to be on the ball all the time with a long commute. It also can’t be nice for him to be so frightened.

I figure he can’t want to sleep in my bed forever, can he

Graphista · 10/12/2019 17:30

I co-slept with dd for some years, it's absolutely normal in many cultures to do so until well into school age.

I was a single mum which makes things a bit different but I really don't understand the negativity towards it.

If it means the whole family is getting good quality and quantity of sleep what harm is it doing?

Dd is now almost 19 and has slept fine in her own bed for many years, she gradually chose herself to sleep more and more in her own bed, I did put a stop to it altogether when she was almost high school age (she'd been still in with me sometimes at weekends/holidays we'd watch a film in bed as a cosy treat type thing) simply because she's a restless sleeper physically and long limbed and I was getting battered and bruised

But at 3 I really wouldn't worry about it, that's still very young.

sanityisamyth · 10/12/2019 17:31

My DS is still in with me some nights if he's not sleeping well and he's nearly 6! I don't mind really as he'll stop at some point and not want to snuggle up to his mummy at night soon 😢

Frlrlrubert · 10/12/2019 17:33

My three year old sleeps with me when DH is away. She slept with us mostly until 2 anyway as she was still bf in the night.

She occasionally wants to come in our bed when we're both home (and comes for snuggles on weekend mornings) but 95% of the time is perfectly happy in her own bed at her own bed time, even though it's ours is a king size I think she realises she gets more space on her own.

I'd rather have her in bed with me than have the battle - it's not the hill I wish to die on, and she won't want to do it when she's 15!

We also let the dogs on the bed (and the cat) so it would seem really weird to only exclude my child.

In your situation I'd go with the flow, once they're secure they might go back to their own bed naturally, or grow out of it, or if it does continue - easier to reason with a four year old than a three year old, etc. if you decide enough is enough.

Goldwispa · 10/12/2019 17:34

I think you might be making a rod for your own back, stick with putting her in her own bed.

FizzyIce · 10/12/2019 17:39

Dd tried it but I wasn’t having any of it as I knew it would carry on for a long time , she got the hint after 2 nights and she had her Ewan the dream sheep so that soothes her till she falls asleep

QuestionableMushroom · 10/12/2019 17:43

Wouldn’t bother me. But it’s what works for you as a family. DS 2.5 often comes into our bed part way through the night.

Original poster

Brittany2019 · 10/12/2019 17:48

It’s the rod part that worries me. She’s very stubborn. But also I don’t want her frightened in the night obviously.

OP posts:

lifeisgoodagain · 10/12/2019 17:49

I did, she have up around ummm 7. Not the best person to ask! I coslept from birth though

Fizzbuzzaveabanana · 10/12/2019 17:52

I think you might be making a rod for your own back, stick with putting her in her own bed.

So you'd make a scared 3 year old sleep alone, in case she gets too used to being comforted when she wakes up afraid? Righto.
Personally I think you'll be making a bigger rod for your own back if you train her that she can't rely on you for comfort when she needs it.

AppropriateAdult · 10/12/2019 17:53

We co-slept here until about 3, so in your position it would be a no-brainer for me. Do you actually dislike having her in your bed, or are you just afraid it’s not the done thing?

Fuzzyspringroll · 10/12/2019 17:55

We've co-slept from birth and DS is currently still in our bed. That's mostly due to us living on a building site and only having one bedroom, though. He has his own bed on the floor in our room and sleeps in that sometimes. He does prefer to sleep in our bed. However, he does sleep through without problems.

MazDazzle · 10/12/2019 18:02

If co-sleeping works for you, great. If not, then you’ll have to gently do something about it.

There’s no way I could have my kids in my bed. They’d steal the duvet, sleep sideways in the bed and kick me in the back. I’d end up handing out of the side with no duvet. I have a stressful job and work long hours. There’s no way I’d be fit for work after than each night!

I take them to the toilet, get them a drink, give them a hug and take them back through to their own bed. Sometimes I’d have to stay with them a while. They’d go through phases of being great sleepers and then wake up every night for a while.

Wrigleys123 · 10/12/2019 18:06

I still co sleep with my almost 4 year old. I figure she will want her bed eventually and until then everyone gets a good night's sleep so it works for us! My parents can't get their heads around it though even know I remember being in their bed all the time!

justanothernameonthewall · 10/12/2019 18:23

My ds2 is about to turn 11 and still comes in our bed some nights. Usually around 3/4am when it's cold and windy.
His dB would never have done this at the same age and yet ds2 is a mature, independent lovely boy. He just needs some cuddles while he's asleep sometimes.
He'll stop when he wants to and in the meantime we all get s good sleep!

Original poster

Brittany2019 · 10/12/2019 18:26

@AppropriateAdult well, it’s not as comfortable as when she’s not there, obviously, with the small feet kicking me in the back and all, but I sleep better than when I’m spend the night trying to persuade her back into her own bed. It’s just the aforementioned rod I’m worried about, and that she’ll still be sleeping with us when she’s seven, as a PP mentioned.

OP posts:

Eeeeek2 · 10/12/2019 18:27

I’d do it if it resulted in me getting more sleep but ds takes up far more room that should be possible.

Illcallbacklater · 10/12/2019 18:31

DD slept in my bed for ages. She grew out of it eventually. But I can't tell you how glad I am that I did it, I just felt so much more close to her, we have a great bond. She needed it, and I think I did too. She has no issues sleeping anywhere and was fine to sleep without me when she slept over at her GPs or at her dad's, so wasn't overly attached or anything

DownWhichOfLate · 10/12/2019 18:31

I think some people can be weird about it as they associate bed sharing with sex. So what they are thinking is: when and where do you and your partner have sex. Other than that, why would it matter if your children are in the same bed?

totallyradllama · 10/12/2019 18:36

I let mine come in whenever she needs to, if I am still awake I tend to persuade her back just as she's about to nod off by reminding that we both get a better nights sleep that way.

One of my schoolfriends used to take her duvet and pillow and sleep by the side of her parents bed sometimes eg if she'd had a bad dream which is a halfway measure. They did have a cosy 1980s deep pile carpet though!!

Original poster

Brittany2019 · 10/12/2019 18:41

@DownWhichOfLate The sex thing is not an issue for us, for reasons I won’t go into now.

Well, I’m glad I posted, tbh. I honestly thought most of the advice would be to keep putting in her back in her own bed.
Thanks for your opinions and experiences, all. I think I am going to let her sleep with us when she wants in the future. At least we’ll all sleep (more or less).

OP posts:

DownWhichOfLate · 10/12/2019 18:43

No reasons needed! It’s just what people seem to get confused about. I co slept with my eldest until their sibling was born. One friend did enquire how the younger was conceived

Cremebrule · 10/12/2019 19:23

I hate it when my 3 year old comes in. She’s really fidgety I can’t sleep. If she comes in after 6 she can stay. If before then I take her back to her bed. It took a bit of persistence but after I ended up sleeping in her toddler bed, I realised I couldn’t deal with it and needed to send her back. It was hard for a few days but she readjusted.

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