To let my three-year-old sleep in our bed?

[Brittany2019]

My three-year-old used to be a great sleeper and would sleep all night in her own bed easily. For the last two months or so, though, she wakes up several times a night, quite distressed.

Unfortunately one night while we were away without DP, I made the mistake of letting her come into my bed, and now she wants to get into our bed almost every night.

We've been returning her to her own bed, but she's still scared and wants one of us to stay with her, so every night we have a battle. We've tried night lights etc, but nothing seems to help.
This has been going on for a good few weeks now, and I'm tired of it (in all senses of the word).

WIBU just to give up and let her come into our bed when she wants? Our bed is big enough, tbh. Or would this mean she's going to be sleeping with us for years to come?

Has she said what she's scared of? DD came into me til she was 5 but I was a single patent and quite liked it... I think if your husband isn't on board it's worth investigating whether there is actual fear or just the want to be in bed with you. The latter is understandable! I'm sure most of it s would rather not sleep alone either

DP is of the same mind as me, tbh. As in, he would prefer if she slept in her own bed but would also prefer that’s she’s not scared and crying by herself.
I’ve tried to get her to tell us what’s she’s scared of, but she won’t say anything further than «because».

I'm of the opinion that if you meet a need, the need goes away - you won't break her forever by cosleeping now

She’s 3, she needs comfort. let her come in, she’s only little

If DD is really fidgety the one getting kicked usually just decamps to her bed/the spare room.

The odd night in different beds for the sake of sleep hasn't ruined our marriage yet.

I'll pretty much do anything that maximises sleep (like I said, DD bf-ed until 2 and slept through ONCE the entire time, so I really value my sleep). DH sleeps like the dead so although he pulls his weight I will be woken before he is for any issues.

Also, selfish, but I actually like sleeping next to her, she is so lovely when she's asleep, no better way than to start the day with a sleepy cuddle! One day there will be no more sleepy cuddles.

I personally think you’re more likely to make a rod for your own back if you teach her that her parents value their conform over her being scared.

We're in the same position. I have found that it's really affirmed our bond with our son and although part of me is concerned we did so well with the whole sleep thing to then regress, they're only little once and if it makes them feel safe then it's not an issue. Our son actually sleeps a lot better and for longer now he spends the second half of the night in with us.

She's scared and upset. Cuddle her in and make her feel safe. All my children have jumped into bed with us at some point or other. They are all far too old now but I still have lovely memories of warm little bodies cuddled up to me in bed. It's one of my best mum memories

My 3 yo climbs in to my bed everynight but i don't even know he's there until morning! If I'm awake when he comes through then I take him back to his bed but if he's upset then I let him stay but either way he's always there in the morning 😂 he's a nighttime ninja

The objective of going to bed is to sleep. Just do whatever you are comfortable with, if you don't mind her being there then leave it. Lack of sleep is far more damaging than letting a 3 yr old into your bed.

If she is making you uncomfortable maybe try a compromise. DS2 is on a low futon beside my side of the bed. It's great. I can settle him to sleep there, go to bed in my own bed and if he feels upset at night, he can climb in with me for a bit if he can do it without waking me but if I wake, I'll get into his bed with him until he settles and either fall asleep there if he isn't restless or get back in my own bed if he is. I can also stroke his head, pat his back or hold his hand without getting up if he doesn't need as much comforting. Soon we are going to move the futon into a different room for him and his older brother (an occasional co-sleeper with us or his brother) to share.

The youngest of my children that currently cosleeps is 4 do what works for your family/sleep.

The “rod” stuff is a pile of crap spouted by people. Just ignore. If she needs you, she needs you. She is only 3.5 for a short time.

My DD7 and my DD11 both still sneak into my bed. Personally I find it cute even though they kick and steal the duvet.

If the bed’s big enough I probably wouldn’t be bothered. I love snuggling up with DS but we have a double and so it can be a bit cramped for everyone. If you don’t mind I don’t see the harm. But if you want your own space is there something you could do in her room to make her happier in there? Fairy lights, or new bedding or similar?

If you're happy with it (sounds like you and DH are) then carry on! If not, then try the back to bed technique. Be consistent with it for a couple of weeks and she'll have forgotten all about it. Contrary to some opinions on here, there is no evidence that co sleeping creates a stronger attachment so don't feel guilty of you want your own bed in the evening.

Why would you not?

Some of my happiest memories are of DD in my bed. She still joins me now at 20.

Who wants to leave a scared or distressed child alone?

Mattress and sleeping bag in the floor. I've always had a small double and more than 2 is uncomfortable.

I’ve never said no to either of our children getting into our bed, they are 2 and nearly 4. I used to get into my parents bed as a child and so did my husband with his parents, if I felt frightened or cold in the night my mum and dad let me snuggle in the middle. I don’t see anything wrong with it, I think it’s nice they know they can come to you and feel safe. I never did it after about aged 8, you’re hardly going to have an 18 year old wanting to climb into your bed in the night, it will stop one day!

Trust me they do as adults when life is not peachy.

DS has never been a good sleeper (is almost 4) and we have tried everything. Couple of months ago we gave up and he now comes in our bed every night. We all sleep better for it. He won't be doing it as teenager so why worry.

My youngest who is 4 is in a toddler bed right next to mine, I miss her being in bed with me but she sleeps best there. My oldest now only comes in on rare and special occasions.

This is lovely. I’m so glad to hear of so many parents happily Co-sleeping. My own parents never did, but there was a lot of us and we were always at least two to a bedroom so never felt really alone.
Thanks, all of you. I’ll let DD sleep with us when she wants now and not worry about it. I’m really happy I posted about this. Thanks again.

It’s weird that we expect them to sleep on their own when we are sharing a bed. It doesn’t make much sense to me. All in together unless they would rather not but then we are the kind of family who have the dog on there too!

Some nice judgy comments from both sides on here.

I'm of the opinion that it makes no difference what other people do or think. If everybody is happy and can sleep then do it. If people are unhappy or can't sleep then don't do it. There are arguments for and against but I don't think it's making a rod for your own back if you do OR going to scar your child if you make them get back in their own bed.