Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be fuming with my 4yo?

94 replies

Jellybeansincognito · 10/12/2019 15:51

I have 2 children- 4 and 2.
The 4 year old started school this September and I’ve noticed she has begun smacking her brother in anger.

She has cracked him round the face this afternoon whilst holding her plastic drink cup, it has left a scratch and bruise on his face. I am furious with her.

I have sent her upstairs whilst I consider an appropriate punishment but AIBU being absolutely fuming with her?

How do I even begin to deal with this?

OP posts:

lborgia · 10/12/2019 18:07

Yabu to be"furious". She has the right to peace and personal space.

Just because she was automatically a more compliant child and your plans don't now work for DS, doesn't mean she should bear the brunt.

Stop using so much punishment on her, and give her a drink and time to herself and with you.

Your youngest needs to learn about personal space. I'm sure your daughter managed a year ago with the concept.

If your youngest seems to have real issues, they need to be addressed, but in my bitter experience we just expect less of the youngest. My oldest had to deal with my ineptitude in this area... and then I remembered how it felt.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 10/12/2019 18:20

My dd is 4 if she hit someone I would put her on the naughty step for 4 minutes and after that talk to her (calmly) and explain what she done was wrong and she must not hit anyone, if someone is annoying her or made her sad or angry she should tell mummy or daddy. Also for the two year old constant reminding “do not climb on dd” when my dd was two she need to be constantly reminded not to do something she shouldn’t, doing this will also let your dd see you are trying to stop him annoying her and it’s not just her getting in trouble. Also try spending time with her alone as she might be a bit jealous that he’s with you all day by himself but she’s never alone with you and this is how the jealously is showing through.

MyMajesty · 10/12/2019 18:30

You need to be preventing the younger child's bad behaviour by keeping the two children separate.

Your DD is getting no down time at all, when she gets home from school.

Clymene · 10/12/2019 18:32

If I were you, I'd start looking for ways to channel their feelings differently. Is your toddler excited about seeing his sister after she's been at school? How else could he show her that? Does your DD need some downtime after school? How about 20 minutes on her own watching something she likes on tv while you do something with him in the kitchen?

This time of year in school is a nightmare for reception kids - routines go out the window, expectations about performances go up and there is endless reminding about doing a wonderful show. Massive stress

So she's stressed and tired and comes home and gets clambered on. Not really surprising she lashes out

How about giving him stickers if he leaves her in peace for a bit?

You will find a way that works.

You also sound knackered. Does your youngest go to nursery so you can get a break occasionally?

Quartz2208 · 10/12/2019 19:09

You dont know how to deal with him yet you seem to expect her to be able to that is what is unfair. It comes across that you dont know how to so let him get away with it to keep the peace. She doesnt like that and lashes out.

Because she has had enough.

I have an older daughter and younger brother and I realised that often to avoid him screaming I was asking her to erode her boundaries and constantly concede to him. But why should she and what message was I sending her

So I just had to knuckle down and let him scream because she needs her space.

Pythonesque · 10/12/2019 19:12

You seem to have some good insights into the situation talking it through on here - hope that's helped!

I like your idea of trying to have separate craft areas or similar set up for them for afterschool. The other thing that occurs to me, is perhaps to attempt to teach the little one to hug his sister nicely, once, then leave her alone. Don't try that after school for the first time, try it some other time, in case he can't manage a "nice" hug! I'm imagining, if you can get it to work, home from school, give your sister a hug, well done, now do … while you then focus some attention on your older one. But don't force it if it doesn't work - it will only be positive if it can be an enjoyable interaction for both of them.

villainousbroodmare · 10/12/2019 19:26

I have a 4yo boy and 18mo twins. DS has his own "office" which is a corner of the sitting room divided off with one of those long open-out play pens. He has a desk, chair, art supplies, bookshelf, armchair; and he can clamber in and out himself. It's been revolutionary and has really improved his attitude and ability to interact with two lovely but relentless and annoying siblings. He actually engages so nicely now that he has a safe place to get out of the way and to store anything that in his words "is not for togglers".
The two other things that work for us are getting up early with him to have some one-to-one time first thing in the morning, last thing at night and when he gets home from school; and taking him on outings alone as often as possible.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/12/2019 19:28

We've been using 123 Magic with our DS since he was about 3yo. It really helps us choose an appropriate consequence and keep calm while tackling the annoying behaviour.

I wonder if a play pen might be useful to keep them separate?

SeditionSue · 10/12/2019 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saywhatwhatnow · 10/12/2019 19:34

I find my one year old irritating when he's climbing all over me, can't imagine being 4 years old and having a big 3 year old trying to clamber up onto my lap (cuddle or no cuddle), no wonder she's annoyed! She shouldn't hit him, and you do need to tell her this and discipline her, but really I think you need to deal with the situation in hand not just the resulting behaviour.

BlueMoon1103 · 10/12/2019 19:50

Sorry but no matter how annoying they’re being, a child hurting another ALWAYS means some sort of consequence. She may have not been having some need met but she needs to learn the acceptable way of dealing with that is not hitting or any other unkind behaviour. She should have no screen time (or whatever matters to her) until she apologises to her brother and then you can speak to her about her feelings. The hurt child should be the priority, not the one who is doing the hurting!

boatybook · 10/12/2019 20:08

Mine are 5,4 and 2yo twins so I get the struggle but I think you are overreacting to her behaviour but seem very blasé about his behaviour.

When similar happens in our house both are put in time out, asked to apologise to each other (and put back in time out if they don't) then made to play separately so they don't get the chance to wind each other back up again.

As for the 3yo, if you put him in his room or time out and he just leaves, you put him back in. And you keep doing it until he gets the idea.

Screaming and tantruming needs ignored now too.

CatteStreet · 10/12/2019 20:20

I have two close in age who are now teen/preteen and a much younger dd, the same age as yours. I've noticed that among parents I know with only young children it's very common to see the elder/eldest one as 'big' and expect too much of them. I think this is part of what's going on here (a PP mentioned it too). She is really still very young indeed.

And I agree with another PP that you are struggling to tackle his behaviour so letting her bear more of the brunt of it than you should be. He is very young too and I am not among those who think disciplinarianism and maximum strictness is the way forward with young (or tbh any) children. He needs to be calmly and consistently shown boundaries. Remove him from her, put him in a safe space (or hold him) and let him scream or kick or whatever.

As an aside, I really think your disciplinary use of Santa is unwise.

Jenpop234 · 10/12/2019 20:24

YANBU. Time out is an appropriate consequence for hitting someone as it allows them both a few minutes to calm down. Time out is not associated with any negative long term effects and has been proven to be an effective method of discipline if not overused. After the time out make sure you have a heart to heart with DD and explain how hitting is never okay. It's okay to feel angry but discuss some other ways to deal with the situation. Children will always act like this when learning how to behave but with patience and consistency, she will learn that hitting is never acceptable.

villainousbroodmare · 10/12/2019 20:24

SeditionSue I'm a vet so have dealt out that advice often!

StormTreader · 11/12/2019 10:37

"his punishment was me sternly telling him it is not ok to climb on people because it hurts them."

"I sent her to her room for the benefit of both of us to be honest. It gave me time to calm and gather my thoughts before speaking to her.

I did go up and explained that I have spoken to Santa who has removed a present. To get the present back she needs to: say sorry (which she has)
And I’ve spoken to her in regards to her response to someone annoying her and said if she can walk away and tell mummy and not hit out as an instant response to it, she’ll get her toy back.

I’ve also removed her screen time for the rest of the day."

.....Just wow. You DO see how these aren't even remotely comparable levels of punishment, right? Especially since the reason she lashed out was that he wouldn't leave her alone? You've even said that you were in the room at the time and you still couldn't stop it so why would she think that "finding you" would make any difference?

MinervaVause · 11/12/2019 11:26

So you don’t know how to deal with your ds but you expect your dd to?

She’s probably just overwhelmed and tired from school.

I would suggest

A) 20 minutes of quiet down time when she gets in from school with her brother out of the way
B) Put brother to bed 15/20 minutes earlier and spend that extra time each night with your dd reading or just talking about your day etc I found my dc opened up a lot more during this time
C) 123 Magic for the younger one.

We love “How to talk so kids will listen” here but when my ds2 was your son’s age, 123 Magic worked much better for him until he was close to 5 years old.

Brefugee · 11/12/2019 18:34

yabu - she's only 4, her punishment has been: sent to her room, threatened with a present being taken away, coerced into apologising to get the present back, no screen time.

he got told off...

you're going to have to develop way way better strategies than that if you don't want her building up resentment. Did she pick the cup up and hit him, or did she strike out to try to get him off her and accidentally hit him in the face with it?

can you allocate them each a corner of the living room and, like boxers if they clash banish them to their own corner? You say you're overwhelmed and can't cope with your DS? Are you punishing the low-hanging fruit?

I think it sounds like you need cuddles all round, but you need to teach both children that it is not ok to invade people's space, and how to handle that.

NonnoMum · 13/12/2019 21:37

Hope you've had a better few days....

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread