Why do some pregnant women become so self absorbed?

[bobbypinseverywhere]

Genuinely curious, this is inspired by my own experiences (infertility) and also it seems a few others on here today have felt the same recently.

Why, when pregnant, are some women unable or unaware of being considerate of other people? eg endlessly talking about their pregnancy or kids to others who they know are either infertile or post miscarriage? I don’t mean the usual pleasantries eg I’ll always ask how’s baby, how are they sleeping, how’s nursery etc etc, but seemingly being unable to talk about anything else the whole time or be aware of the effect it may have on others.

It is pretty obvious that people post miscarriage for example are going to find it difficult to listen to someone’s pregnancy stories all evening. I do also think that conversation topics (regardless of the audience) should be varied - out of politeness, eg it’s rude to talk about your work all evening so why are babies any different?

I’m not talking about when people don’t know, as that can’t be helped, but when I think they should know better and be more thoughtful! It’s like some women become so self absorbed and don’t care about anything or anyone else - but then expect all the support in the world themselves? So AIBU?

I am currently 3 months pregnant and I find the amount people wish to speak about it boring. I am very grateful and excited don't get me wrong but the baby hasn't arrived yet so I do have other things to talk about. That being said, I think the women who are being inconsiderate talking about it when you are struggling are really self absorbed and need to learn some empathy and manners.

Pregnant women aren't self absorbed. Preposterous statement there.

Self absorbed people are self absorbed. They just happen to be pregnant.

I was the opposite as I didn't really like talking about my pregnancy to people much. I think that I wanted just to be treated normally and discuss normal pre-pregnancy things as it was enough that my body wasn't feeling like my own any more and I was going through all these changes. Having people treat me differently because of it or having to keep making small talk about it wasn't for me, and I always moved the topic on to other stuff pretty quickly.

I guess difficult pregnancies can be all consuming, and I think it's easy to sometimes feel like the first ever person to be pregnant when it's your turn. But in some cases bores are bores about whatever topic - they might just shift being a bore about something else to pregnancy.

Are you talking about 'pregnant women' or 'mothers'?

Because you seem to be conflating the two in your OP, and in your subsequent post.

And you seem to be saying all women become self-obsessed bores once they become pregnant. And that MNers who say not all women are like that are wrong.

OK.

Not much discussion left to be had, is there.

What I did find sad was someone I know saying to me that without talking about their kids, they wouldn't know what to talk to their husband about any more

I find people get self absorbed anyway no matter what’s going on..

New kitchen.. tick
Trying to conceive... tick
Infertility... tick
House hunting... tick
Neighbours’ parking... tick
School admissions policies... tick
New relationship.. tick
New job... tick
New hobby... tick
Diet for the new year... tick
Holiday destination... tick

Pregnancy is just another thing, and I say live and let live.
Try not to take it personally.

I can see your point as I had a long ttc journey before I eventually held my baby.

It seemed that every one I saw had a baby bump when I was in the throes of assisted reproductive procedures, and discussing gamete quality and protocols...
Baptisms and family children’s parties were hard, there’s no denying that, but you have to get on with things.

When I was eventually pregnant, I was very caught up in it, after so many years of ttc-ing.
I was really amazed at what my body could do... I developed a huge bump, and my boobs did new things like make milk.

It’s not pregnant women’s fault you are on a different path through life to them you know...

Having been pregnant I can see it from their perspective also.

It’s amazing what your body can do, and for many, there is an unexpected bonus as the huge amounts of hormones make you feel fantastic... it just makes you feel so positive, and upbeat...
I suppose it’s an evolutionary feature to give Women six months of carrot to get over the stick of the first three months, and then the knock out of the birth.

Not perhaps what you want to hear OP, but we are not all here to agree 100% with one another.

I see your side, and I also see it from the other side.
I’m sorry you’re having trouble with infertility.. it’s a tough path.

I found it really hard to do the right thing while pregnant. I had a friend who wanted to start a family but they had decided now wasn't the right time for them. I tried to be sensitive to how she was feeling and rarely mentioned my pregnancy, I was asked why I was being weird and not talking about it so I started talking about it. She then told me she couldn't wait for my baby to be born so I would shut up. Tbh I was really hurt and now that baby is here I don't send pictures of him or anything about him unless specifically asked as I don't know what the best thing to do it. I know he's my world but he's not everyone elses.
I struggled to conceive and lost a previous pregnancy so I really did try to be sensitive.

Yes you are being unreasonable you are judging all pregnant women based on a few experiences you have with pregnant women. Infertility and pregnancy loss is extremely difficult to deal with, but there's a fine balance. People who experience this need to learn not to be bitter towards other women as well as other women acting with empathy and sensitivity.

These type of women will always be self absorbed and don’t tend to age well

This might be the bitchiest most misogynistic illogical thing I've read on here, and that's saying something,

Op, pregnancy can be a really big thing, scarey, life changing, confusing for many women, so if your friends are not normally self absorbed it's likely just a big thing for them, and if you think about it, it is huge.

Me too BuzzShitbagBobbly

Pregnant women are like vegans. It’s all they can talk about!

I’m vegan. I hardly ever talk about it unless someone asks. Most of my vegan friends are the same.

@MerchantOfVenom it can be either pregnant women and/or mothers really, as others are also saying. And no not at all, if you read my posts back you’ll see I took great care in saying some women - pls give me an example of where I said ‘all’ or that anyone was wrong? You’ve completely plucked that out of nowhere. And of course there’s room for discussion - that’s the whole point of AIBU !!

@Rubyroost pls read my posts again - as above - very definitely said “some” women and so no, I’m not judging all women at all. I’m not bitter -I love sharing my friends joy in their kids - and as I said before always ask about them and spend time with them etc. Pls read my pps before coming out with incorrect statements

For clarity - it’s also bloody boring to get stuck only talking about one thing or the other person (whether that kids, pregnancy, work etc). Good conversation goes 2 ways!!

Thanks to those showing their side of things - it’s an interesting perspective to hear that pregnancy is overwhelming in that way. Out of interest, why do you think you cared less about other things? For example - whatever your cup of tea is - politics, climate change, hobbies, work whatever - why only talk about that 1 thing?

I just think it's a pretty pointless thread. I've been on both sides and have supported my friends through their pregnancies (which can be stressful and anxiety inducing) whilst experiencing loss myself. I just think sometimes its great to be happy for other people who may have gone through their own troubles on their way to pregnancy

@bobbypinseverywhere when you get pregnant, and I really hope you do. I thi k you'll want to talk about your pregnancy. I guess having this life form constantly wriggling inside of you and the responsibility that carries means it's forever on your mind

I can see both sides, as a veteran of 7 rounds of IVF and a mother (finally!). Both infertility and pregnancy take over your whole life, it's hard to think about anything else sometimes. Equally, DS is the centre of my world, but I try desperately not to be 'that' parent, always going on about their DC. Not everyone gets the balance right all the time. I tried to, but I'll never know if I've unintentionally upset anyone - infertility is s funny business, sometimes one thing would upset me on a particular day that I'd be fine with another day.

Yanbu

I just think sometimes its great to be happy for other people who may have gone through their own troubles on their way to pregnancy.

But you can feel happy for others while feeling deeply sad yourself. It’s not one or the other. Sometimes you desperately want to feel happy for your friend but you can’t, and then you feel guilty about that. It’s really not as simple as “I am going to feel happy for my friend”.

I know exactly what you mean, and I’d echo other posters who suggest it’s those who also become absolutely obsessed with their wedding or whatever is going on in their life that they think makes them special.

I also suffered from infertility and so am not trying to hurt you - but have you considered that it’s our silence around infertility / miscarriage / stillbirth that’s wrong?

I support and encourage those who want to to feel like they can and should share feelings around infertility, miscarriage and stillbirth but when I was dealing with infertility I didn’t want to talk about it at all. I’m a private person and it was deeply personal and I didn’t want to share. It’s not my responsibility to make anyone else feel better at my own expense.

Pregnancy and children have been crap for my social skills!

My first pregnancy steamrollered through my life from the exhausting nausea in the first half to the crippling SPD that dominated the second half until I ended up near housebound, and too vast to squeeze behind the steering wheel to drive anyway. Not great stimulus for interesting and diverse conversation.

Neither were the baby/ toddler years great for interesting life experiences and conversation.

The DCs are a bit bigger now, but still consume vast chunks of my life. Endless discussion of Minecraft hasn't revived my conversation skills and I'm chronically deprived of varied adult conversation.

When I get "me' time, I go running. Another classic bore topic
I hope I have enough vestiges of self-awareness left not to be a complete bore to talk to!

I did get stuck talking to a bore at a Christmas do, there are only so many times you can wax lyrical over walking the dog in different parks in one evening!

Just dont understand the need to lambast pregnant women that's all. There's plenty of self obsessed people and many pregnant women just get on with things. Anyway I'm off as I think it's a rather pointless post

Oh, and when I was pregnant I hated that people only wanted to talk about the pregnancy. I was still a woman, with a personality and a job and opinions and a sense of humour, not some kind of host vessel where all I had to offer the world was the fact I was pregnant.