Why do some pregnant women become so self absorbed?

[bobbypinseverywhere]

Genuinely curious, this is inspired by my own experiences (infertility) and also it seems a few others on here today have felt the same recently.

Why, when pregnant, are some women unable or unaware of being considerate of other people? eg endlessly talking about their pregnancy or kids to others who they know are either infertile or post miscarriage? I don’t mean the usual pleasantries eg I’ll always ask how’s baby, how are they sleeping, how’s nursery etc etc, but seemingly being unable to talk about anything else the whole time or be aware of the effect it may have on others.

It is pretty obvious that people post miscarriage for example are going to find it difficult to listen to someone’s pregnancy stories all evening. I do also think that conversation topics (regardless of the audience) should be varied - out of politeness, eg it’s rude to talk about your work all evening so why are babies any different?

I’m not talking about when people don’t know, as that can’t be helped, but when I think they should know better and be more thoughtful! It’s like some women become so self absorbed and don’t care about anything or anyone else - but then expect all the support in the world themselves? So AIBU?

Having worked with and been around a number of pregnant women over the last few years I'll echo what many have said:

Some women (or some people if we take pregnancy out of it) are just self-absorbed 'look at me' types and pregnancy is just the latest thing they choose to bang on about 24/7. They'll be the same ones that share every. bloody. minute. of their babies/child's lives on Facebook (every meal, every outing...damn it, even every bowel movement) once they're born.

It's not them being insensitive necessarily, just being narcissistic idiots.

Infertility and/or kids do take over your life, so on the other hand, people are so inconsiderate and unwilling to understand that it's a different life.

@tillytrotter1 my Mum says a similar thing, she thinks it’s a recent thing. Her and my godmother are confused about why my godmothers daughter just talking about her children. Apparently it’s ALL she ever talks about

People in general can be thoughtless in regards to fertility struggles.
It's hard to be around pregnant women sometimes when you're trying to get pregnant.
And on the other side, after struggling for 2yrs and with 2mcs I'm now going to have my first baby and I've been really aware of trying not to be in people's faces about it.
It's a hard line to walk, there is a lady I know who is currently going through infertility and theres a sense of not wanting to upset her but also not wanting her to feel like I'm keeping her at arms length through pity, because that's not the case at all.
No easy answer, I think.

At 8 months pregnant I am acutely aware that other people will be bored of my pregnancy because I am bored of it being what has defined me, or people expect to define me for months.

However, only one of my friends has been open about her infertility. She never wanted children anyway but once she was told she couldn't have any, she was upset so I am always mindful of what I talk about with her.

So I do agree there are definitely some people who are self-absorbed but I also wouldn't know which of my friends have suffered losses or difficulties conceiving as I think its still very much a taboo subject. Since coming on here though there does seem to be an awful lot of humble bragging about it....

@twinsizedmattress lm guessing from the condescending tone of your post, that you have never had fertility issues. Your smugness is rather unpleasant.

I wasn’t aware than l “danced around others” or avoided children. Unless me being about to wrap up my friends children’s Christmas presents, from my partner and l is a dream?!

Since coming on here though there does seem to be an awful lot of humble bragging about it....

What do you mean by that?

I think it's just very natural and impulsive to talk about your children, you don't really think about it. I work in an office where one of our colleagues tragically lost his 18 year old daughter recently, we unofficially all try to avoid talking about families and children but it's so much harder than you think, children are often the biggest part in someone's life and just very natural and easy to talk about. I know it's so easy to take it personally (I have my own insecurities that I feel people are being insensitive to but in reality I know it's not personal) but honestly they're just not thinking either way, they're just living their life and I'm sure if you were to mention it they'd be mortified. What is at the centre of your world isn't at the centre of someone else's and vice versa.

@twinsizedmattress we've got no fucking choice but to cope have we. What a nasty post. Just as I said, smug.

it's not all about them but it's not all about you either. yes it's horrible to struggle to conceive but there are plenty of things people want and can't have, the world can't stop and people who only see from their own window are never going to stop so i'd work on my resilience if i were you. it's not going to help you to boil about other people's behaviour that you aren't in control of.

I was ttc for 8 years before getting fertility treatment but most of my friends were not trying for children or in long term relationships during that time so they were not really interested in baby talk/ttc tbh. Now they're all married and some are having fertility issues so I still cannot talk about baby stuff. I had my last DC 4 months ago but they haven't seen him. I did suggest to bring him at a coffee meet up as I am bf but I got the vibe that it would be too painful for others so I arranged childcare. I cannot post anything on social media kids-related either.
The funny thing is that during the time I was battling infertility it would be these same friends that would rush to tell me which one of their siblings were expecting and that they 'don't have infertility in their family' .

I sometimes wonder whether they are just the same as they have always been but we are so sensitive to certain things that it seems hurtful combined with the fact that some people don’t know what to say or how to act and just get it wrong.

I think you only have to look at the numerous threads here where the OP adds "and I'm pregnant FGS!!" as justification for their as if that's a reason they should be given way in all things. "Back in my day, when I was pregnant we were just expected to get on with things". Obvs no one expected us to move a piano, but were were still expected to take part in life's everyday activities and frustrations. We didn't expect the world to stop and start turning again on our own personal axis.

I agree that selfish people are always selfish. But there are some normally thoughtful women who, for some reason, 'turn inward' when they become pregnant and seem to be incapable of 'looking outward' to the effect they may have on other people.

People like this were always inconsiderate gits.

Some people just love the attention, it's weird.

I've had three children and never mentioned any of my pregnancies on social media at all (and I do use social media frequently) which loads of my friends think is weird. But other of my friends have had stillbirths, miscarriages and infertility to deal with and I know some of them would not want to hear about pregnancy every time they go into Facebook or whatever.

The new trend for gender reveals, huge lavish baby showers etc and posting it all over Instagram is even worse.

@twinsizedmattress I honestly feel sorry for you. What a horrible, vile opinion to have over peoples suffering.

@mistermagpie true. But l can’t relate to it at all! The first time l got married then we eloped just the 2 of us.

It’s quite a strange experience, being pregnant. Is it really a surprise that lots of people become quite caught up in it? It’s an exciting time! I found that my mind was frequently with my bump, so I bet sometimes that will have showed in conversation.

I don’t think people are deliberately cruel to those that are ttc. But I think there’s such a taboo about telling anyone that you are trying that unless you’ve had issues yourself, you probably have no idea how common it is.

Once you’ve had a child, they do take over your whole world. So of course they are what you talk about, they are all you have in your life sometimes! My DD is 3. If I had a hobby that I spent as much time on as her, I bet I’d talk about it just as much!

Some really interesting replies and I’m glad a few people do seem to agree with me.

I’m quite open about my fertility issues (but I don’t go on about it either) as I find people knowing is just easier. I’ll only talk when directly asked tho to save ‘being negative’ be or self absorbed about it. But I always ask about their kids and genuinely like to share their joy/ interest in them - to an extent - as they are my friends and I love them. But if that’s all they talk about, ever, it’s boring and inconsiderate. I also give gifts, throw baby showers, attend soft play etc with them so there’s no ‘dancing Around’ that I could be accused of

Interesting to the majority who say it’s usually just selfish women anyway - I don’t agree - like I said my friends were interesting funny brilliant all rounders who just turned into baby making robots!!

I went through years of infertility (eventually had my daughter through IVF) and I completely get where you're coming from. Infertility is one of the most painful experiences and people can be very insensitive.

But having been through the other side as well now, I can kind of also understand why people do behave like that. Having a baby can feel like this huge, momentous, all consuming thing that completely takes over every aspect of your life. I think some people talk about it constantly because it's genuinely the thing that's dominating all their waking thoughts and they probably do it without realising.

But I do think you're right that people could be more sensitive. One in seven couples are affected by infertility so it's not a huge stretch to just be mindful and tone it down a little around people who don't have kids.

I think it's a combination of two things, for some people it's because they're genuinely self absorbed and are so caught up in themselves that they completely forget that they are not the centre of everyone else's universe and for some it's as a PP said: some pregnancies and definitely most newborns can be all consuming

When I was 7 months pregnant with my third, my work colleague had a miscarriage and I felt terrible. I felt like I didn't dare stand up because I'd be a constant reminder and even when I wanted to moan about feeling ill and sore, I didn't, I minimised most things. My colleague noticed and told me to stop being daft! We've since become great friends, everyone is different.

If a pregnant women is feeling run down and like crap she should be allowed to moan about it to her friends. Of course it's different if she knows her friend is struggling to conceive but what if she doesn't know? Should pregnant women just put up and shut up just incase they upset someone. Or can you change the subject if they are boring you?
I have had several miscarriages so know how horrible it is. I'm also pregnant now but I'm so scared of something going wrong I'll probably keep it quiet until at least 20 weeks.
If they are your friends can't you just ask them to change the subject?