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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think his drinking is a concern.

63 replies

Worriedandsadaboutthis · 10/12/2019 09:27

I met someone 6 months ago. He is such a wonderful man, he treats me really well, he’s funny, kind, intelligent. He has a very responsible job and does well. We have mutual friends in common, who all adore him. I want to be with him, he makes me so happy, but I am increasingly wondering whether his use of alcohol is a concern.

He doesn’t usually drink Monday - Thursday and he isn’t using alcohol when at work. But at weekends, he plays Rugby and will consistently drink a number of pints afterwards to the point that he’s a quite drunk. He’s lovely and respectful when drunk so I’ve not had an issue with it. However, on Sunday, he met friends at the club, they all had a ‘few’ pints and he drove home. I know people do that, but for me, it’s a definite no.

Am I overthinking it or does he have a problem with alcohol?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 09:29

Drinking after a few pints would be a desk breaker for me.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 09:29

Desk?!! Deal breaker.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 09:30

I sit think getting drunk on a weekend is necessarily an alcohol problem but driving drunk definitely is.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 09:30

Bloody phone. I don’t think getting drunk on weekends...

I give up now.

HairyFloppins · 10/12/2019 09:31

I don't think the alcohol consumption is excessive but drinking and driving is disgusting and it would be the end for me.

BeatriceTheBeast · 10/12/2019 09:32

It was the driving home part that makes me think yanbu. There is no excuse for that.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/12/2019 09:34

Think ahead. I assume you want a partner for life’s and children??? (Might be wrong)

How would you feel if you had kids with this guy and he was doing this?

And yes this would be a deal breaker for me and I think anyone who drink drives has a problem with alcohol.

beautifulstranger101 · 10/12/2019 09:35

Sounds like he is a binge drinker rather than a "functioning alcoholic". This pattern of not drinking in the week then going out at weekends and getting wasted is the kind of thing we did in our late teens/early 20s. It reeks of immaturity and lack of responsibility to me. That is a huge turn off to me personally.

The drink driving is another matter- its illegal and he is putting people's lives at risk. Thats another huge deal breaker for me. It only takes a split second of alcohol impaired reaction time to cause a serious accident, injury or even death. I would not want that on my conscience (knowing that I knew about it and did nothing).

Original poster
Worriedandsadaboutthis · 10/12/2019 09:36

Oh I’m so sorry to read these responses, I think I knew it was a problem, but he’s so great in every other way, I wanted you to tell me that my instincts are wrong and it isn’t that big of a deal! Sad

OP posts:
LobsterQuadrille2 · 10/12/2019 09:38

Agree with PPs that the quantity and regularity of his drinking, plus the fact that it's all social drinking, doesn't indicate a problem with alcohol. The drink driving is a massive issue though; irresponsible and dangerous.

Lllot5 · 10/12/2019 09:38

The drink driving is a big deal.
I bet it’s nit the first time either.

beautifulstranger101 · 10/12/2019 09:39

OP- if you talk to him and express your concerns, his reaction will probably tell you everything you need to know about what to do. If he considers what you say and has an epiphany that he needs to reign it in and stop then great!
If ,on the other hand he gets super defensive, tells you you are being a "killjoy" or "oversensitive" and whatnot then you will know instantly what your life with him in the future will look like and it won't be good.

Goldenchildsmum · 10/12/2019 09:40

What he's doing is illegal. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Tooner · 10/12/2019 09:40

Drink driving definitely a deal breaker. He cannot be that nice if he's putting other peoples lives at risk driving under the infuence

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2019 09:41

I'm not sure he has a drinking problem, but the drink driving would be a huge no from me and a relationship ender

BeatriceTheBeast · 10/12/2019 09:43

I think what beautifulstranger just said makes sense, EXCEPT for the drink driving which also might make me think I couldn't have anything to do with him. How did you find out? Did he say "what the fuck was I thinking? I will never do that again" or "lolz, wasn't that funny"?

eenymeenyminyme · 10/12/2019 09:43

These days there's no excuse for drink driving.

I wouldn't say from your post that he necessarily has an alcohol problem, but driving after a few pints is just wrong.

Have you challenged him about it? What did he say?

LagunaBubbles · 10/12/2019 09:46

Drink driving is a crime and that's 100% the problem, not his alcohol consumption which doesn't sound excessive to me.

Original poster
Worriedandsadaboutthis · 10/12/2019 09:51

I told him that I was really concerned that he’d driven after drinking and he responded that he wasn’t drunk and hadn’t drunk much, but he knew I was right and acknowledged it could ruin everything. I’m not sure whether to talk to him about it again or just tell him it’s a dealbreaker and walk away. I really really don’t want to walk away, but can he change that part of himself?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 09:53

How did you even find out?

Babyg1995 · 10/12/2019 09:56

Don't agree with the drink driving that's terrible. But his drinking doesn't seem excessive imo.

Original poster
Worriedandsadaboutthis · 10/12/2019 09:57

PurpleDaisies he told me and then we had the conversation I outlined above Sad

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 09:59

How did it even come up? That’s a really odd thing to tell someone.

beautifulstranger101 · 10/12/2019 10:00

You know how you can tell if someone is being genuine? - if their words match their actions more than 80% of the time.

Of course, we all sometimes say we will do stuff and then dont, but if he is genuinely sincere in realising he did wrong then he won't do it again. If his actions match his words then bingo- he's good. If he says he realises it was wrong and absolutely nothing about his behaviour changes then you know without a shadow of a doubt that his words were just hot air meant to appease you and he didnt mean a single word of it. Then you dump him. Be very wary of people who use empty words but dont back their words up with action.

Original poster
Worriedandsadaboutthis · 10/12/2019 10:01

He just said he’d ended up having a few pints with the boys and had popped by the supermarket on the way home. I knew that meant he’d driven, so then we had the conversation.

OP posts: