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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think his drinking is a concern.

63 replies

Worriedandsadaboutthis · 10/12/2019 09:27

I met someone 6 months ago. He is such a wonderful man, he treats me really well, he’s funny, kind, intelligent. He has a very responsible job and does well. We have mutual friends in common, who all adore him. I want to be with him, he makes me so happy, but I am increasingly wondering whether his use of alcohol is a concern.

He doesn’t usually drink Monday - Thursday and he isn’t using alcohol when at work. But at weekends, he plays Rugby and will consistently drink a number of pints afterwards to the point that he’s a quite drunk. He’s lovely and respectful when drunk so I’ve not had an issue with it. However, on Sunday, he met friends at the club, they all had a ‘few’ pints and he drove home. I know people do that, but for me, it’s a definite no.

Am I overthinking it or does he have a problem with alcohol?

OP posts:
GoodbyeRosie · 10/12/2019 10:13

For me, and without intending to be too over dramatic, it would definitely be a deal breaker.

He thinks drink driving is OK. He's only sorry because you pulled him on it. It takes a special kind of selfishness to drink and drive, and I bet you will start seeing other indicators of this.

pooopypants · 10/12/2019 10:15

My ex was an alcoholic. Smashed my car up drink driving. Promised the usual "it'll never happened again" and all that bollocks.

Guess what? It happened again. Wrapped another car around a bus stop outside a school, around the end of school. Luckily a bus had just been and collected everyone at the bus stop or there would have been mass casualties.

If it's happened once, it will happen again OP. It would be a deal breaker for me.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 10/12/2019 10:22

Quite sad to read so many people saying that he definitely doesn’t have a drinking problem because it’s social/only at weekends/just a ‘binge’. As someone who recently got sober after drinking in a very similar pattern to this (no drink driving though!) I can see now that I most definitely did have a problem. We have such an odd relationship with alcohol in this country.

Does he get hangovers? Do the drinking binges affect his life negatively in any other way?

Regardless of the above, drink driving would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It is sheer luck that he didn’t kill anyone and probably only a matter of time until he does if he carries on. Do you want to be in the car with him when that happens?

beautifulstranger101 · 10/12/2019 10:28

Its not really up to anyone online to diagnose someone as definitely "an alcoholic". There are many people who go out binge drinking (eg every student I can think of- including myself when I was at university) who dont end up alcoholics- they simply grow out of that phase of their life when they grow up and start having responsibilities (like me). There are also people who binge drink and it does develop into an addiction. Its not quite as black and white to say binge drinking= alcoholic. You can still be an alcoholic even if you dont drink any more (eg a dry drunk) and you can drink regularly and not be an alcoholic.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 10/12/2019 10:33

I agree beautifulstranger101 and I’m not diagnosing anything (the word ‘alcoholic’ seems to be getting a bit outdated now anyway and lots of people in the sober community don’t choose to identify that way, regardless of their history with alcohol) but I just find it so strange how many people seem to be rushing to say his drinking seems fine and he doesn’t have a problem based on so little information.

beautifulstranger101 · 10/12/2019 10:35

@lisasimpsonsaxophone - agreed. I think we do have a really messed up relationship with alcohol in the UK.
Have you ever read Alan Carr's book about controlling alcohol? It blew my mind and really challenged me about how I see alcohol in general and where we draw the line of "alcoholism" versus "healthy drinking".

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 10/12/2019 10:36

I would also agree that having a few pints knowing that he’s going to be driving later suggests a bad relationship with alcohol as he seemingly can’t abstain from it even when he knows he needs to.

Thedeadwood · 10/12/2019 10:39

Drink driving is an absolute deal breaker. There is absolutely no excuse for it.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 10:39

Not necessarily, lisa. I’ve known a few people who think drink driving is fine so don’t see any need to abstain.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 10/12/2019 10:42

Have you ever read Alan Carr's book about controlling alcohol? It blew my mind and really challenged me about how I see alcohol in general and where we draw the line of "alcoholism" versus "healthy drinking".

I haven’t read that but it’s next on my list! I’ve read a couple of other ‘quit lit’ titles and they really are transformative. The lightbulb moment for me was realising how much we seem to need to believe that alcoholics are different in some way... the idea that there’s a particular amount or pattern of drinking that means someone has a problem but until that point, everyone else is normal and fine. I’ve realised now what a sliding scale it is. Something crazy like 80% of drinkers drink more than the recommended guidelines and are technically ‘binging’ every week... it’s eye opening!

Anyway, sorry OP. Bit of a tangent. I’m not trying to say that everyone should get sober or that any amount of drinking is inherently wrong but as I said before, as a former ‘problem drinker’ myself I would not be so quick to say his drinking is all fine and dandy.

Thedeadwood · 10/12/2019 10:50

PS a problem with alcohol doesn't necessarily equal alcoholism BUT the point is that at only 6 months in, regardless of the drink driving, you have concerns about his relationship with alcohol. These are the red flags that everyone warns you about. DO NOT IGNORE THEM.

BeatriceTheBeast · 10/12/2019 10:50

Yes, but technically binging means more than 5 units (I think), so I believe there actually IS a certain amount of alcohol before it is classed as a problem. Ditto, the drinking guidelines of no more than 3 units a day for a woman and no more than on 4 nights a week. There is indeed a set amount which sets problem drinkers apart from healthy drinkers. It's just that some people don't consider themselves to be binge drinkers unless they are doing ten shots of tequila every Saturday night and vomiting in the street.

There is some suggestion now that there is no safe level of alcohol though, so who knows what the guidelines will change to in the future.

It is especially useful to hear from people who have recognised they had drinking problems and are now sober on these threads. I think sometimes people assume that every person's "a couple of drinks after work" is the same as their own, when for some, it is two single g&ts but for someone else it's several pints at 3 units each, which is obviously a binge. Likewise though, some people who drink a lot, or who used to drink a lot assume the reverse and think everyone is drinking loads on every occasion when they are actually sticking to the guidelines.

BeatriceTheBeast · 10/12/2019 10:53

Sorry, 6 units for women and 8 for men apparently.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 10:54

beatrice it’s more than that...

The definition used by the Office of National Statistics for binge drinking is having over 8 units in a single session for men and over 6 units for women.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 10:54

Cross posted with you.

BeatriceTheBeast · 10/12/2019 10:55

Xmas Grin thanks purpledaisies.

stophuggingme · 10/12/2019 10:57

The drink driving is unforgivable and would kill anything stone dead for me. Disgusting and contemptuous.

His friends are no better allowing him to do it

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 10:57

His friends may well have been doing it too.

stophuggingme · 10/12/2019 10:58

Probably

Bunch of arseholes

LuluBellaBlue · 10/12/2019 11:02

I’d say it depends on what a couple of pints is.
If it was 2 pints, spread out over several hours, or with food, or shandy’s then fine.
But if it’s say 3 pints then totally wrong, but i know several friends who have drunk driven and wouldn’t dream of it now so people can have a wake up call in that regard.

BeatriceTheBeast · 10/12/2019 11:05

I think drink driving has become less acceptable in the past few decades and people who drove around pissed in the 60s and 70s wouldn't do it now. Also, the roads are busier now and cars are faster, so it's even more dangerous. It really surprises me that people still do it. I don't know anyone who would, or at least they've never admitted it and I always assumed it was something people just didn't do. Even big drinkers.

Shinnoo · 10/12/2019 11:05

More than two pints and driving is red warning territory. Its a total deal breaker.

BlueCornsihPixie · 10/12/2019 11:11

I'm going to go against the grain and say he does have an alcohol problem

In my eyes driving after drinking indicates that he couldn't say no to a drink. If he's such a lovely man presumably he knows and understands he could kill someone and still choses alcohol over that risk

I think drink driving on it's own for me is a deal breaker, but I would also add in an alcohol problem on top of the drink driving

TryTry123 · 10/12/2019 11:37

He has a drinking problem. He has endangered his and other people's lives with drink driving. Go to Al Anon to get clear and have support. Sorry but your first few paragraphs were rationalization.

PlinkPlink · 10/12/2019 11:38

As a former rugby player, I'm going to say no he doesnt have a drink problem.

It goes with the territory - having pints after the game. When I played, after a game we'd often get drunk or have a few. Sometimes we'd watch the matches on the big screen and be drinking. It comes with the territory of being a rugby player.

However...

Drink driving is NOT part of rugby life and should never be accepted. I would be making sure he understood that that is a deal breaker for you. What a ridiculously irresponsible thing to do. If he needs to get home, get a sodding taxi.