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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Begining to resent my partner

76 replies

em657 · 09/12/2019 23:29

So I have recently started to become increasingly angry towards my OH due to his whole attitude since I have birth in July. He has done a lot of things that I have only really just picked up on as being unsupportive and unfair.

I had a relatively easy labour, but unfortunately lost a lot of blood so I had a blood transfusion afterwards which left me in hospitals for 4 days with our daughter after her birth. As with most births I also had tearing that required stitches. He moaned that I was in for so long and that he bored when he visited because all she did was sleep.

He took his 2 weeks paternity leave and used them as additional annual leave. He wouldn't help with her when she woke overnight or would change her. If she was noisy overnight, as I'm sure most newborns are in their sleep he would tell me take her downstairs and sleep on the sofa. He would moan he was bored in the day because I was so tired I wanted to sleep when I could so I stopped taking naps and we went to his mum's all day instead. He also would spend all morning in bed, and then moan that I hadnt woke him up or made him breakfast.

I was breastfeeding and was planning to EBF, however I was in the shower one morning and when I came downstairs I saw that he had allowed his mother to feed her formula. I could never get her to latch again, which was so heart breaking for me as I had set my heart on breastfeeding. Even after this he refused to help with any feeds.

Another issue that has recently started to bug me is the finances of having a child. I can afford to buy her formula, nappies, wet wipes etc myself although I think he should share a burden of the cost especially since I am on maternity leave and SMP doesn't stretch far especially when I still pay half the bills in the house. He doesn't pay a penny for her, he hasn't since I was pregnant. To further wind me up, he has another child from a previous relationship he pays maintenance for (and rightly so might I add) but refuses to pay even 50p for a packet a wet wipes for our child.

I havent had a lie in or a minute to myself since I've had my little one, because he works 60 hours a week and then refuses to help with her or get up at 7 with her so I can have a bit extra sleep because he is tired form work. What does he think I do? I look after baby, clean the house, do the shopping, cook all his food, do the laundry and run any errands he asks me too.

I have asked him why his attitude is so shitty, and his response 'it takes some people more time to get used to having kids'. I'm a first time parent, this is his second child. How much more time does he need.

Am I being petty about all this? I have PND and find it hard to see through it at times.

OP posts:

britinnyc · 09/12/2019 23:34

I am rarely of the LTB camp but in this instance it seems justified. You are not being petty, you are basically a single parents with a lodger. What kind of person fails to contribute a single penny to their own child? I can't even wrap my head around it. Leave him and at least you will be able to get maintenance from him. You deserve so much better than this.

Bellasblankexpression · 09/12/2019 23:38

Jesus Christ he sounds utterly hideous.
What do you get out of this relationship OP?
All this moaning that he’s bored etc - is he a teenager?!

Leave the bastard. Seriously. This isn’t going to get any better

Notcontent · 09/12/2019 23:39

What?? Leaving everything else aside, why on earth would he not pay for things for his child???

tobedtoMNandfart · 09/12/2019 23:39

Sorry! Come again? HE gets the bed and you and baby go downstairs ??!!

Singlenotsingle · 09/12/2019 23:40

No you're not being petty, especially where the money's concerned. You shouldn't have to ask him for every penny. He should be paying all the household bills, mortgage etc while you're on matleave, then you'll have enough over for baby stuff.

I can understand if he works a 60 hour week he's reluctant to help with the housework or baby duties, but maybe he should be allocated specific jobs to do? And tell him to run his own errands. You're too tired. That man is in serious need of some training. Did his last partner leave him for the same reasons? Ie that he's a lazy, selfish sod?

JKScot4 · 09/12/2019 23:41

You’re paying half of everything on SMP? He contributes nothing to your child?
Get rid, what an utter arse.

Original poster

em657 · 09/12/2019 23:42

Thank you! I've spoke to him about multiple times now and he's telling me that it's just the PND talking and that I need to start taking anti depressants.

Glad it's not just me that sees it this way.

OP posts:

steff13 · 09/12/2019 23:44

You're not being petty, and he sounds like he didn't really want another kid. Maybe he wasn't that into being a full-time dad to the first one, and now he's in the same position with the second.

I'd prepare to be a single mother.

Anoisagusaris · 09/12/2019 23:44

There was a similar post recently. Why are women procreating with such useless pricks??

katy1213 · 09/12/2019 23:45

And you're only 'beginning' to resent him?????
Too late now, but why on earth do women decide to have children with men like this?

Celebelly · 09/12/2019 23:45

Wtf? Is this for real? He's an useless piece of crap. Shit husband, shit father

Was he this useless before the baby arrived? Is he this useless with his other child?

Honestly, it takes a lot to shock me on MN these days but this has done it. I'm actually agog that men like this exist. Christ on a bike.

friedbeansandcheese · 09/12/2019 23:46

I’m surprised that one formula feed would make dc unable to latch on for bf again, but that alone would have made me furious. Your body has made milk for dc and your useless lump of a husband thinks it’s ok for him to give formula without asking you? No fucking way.

Didn’t you talK about finances before getting pg???? Yanbu to pay everything for your dc. He is honestly a lazy, useless fuckwit. What’s the point if him being around??

None.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2019 23:47

It is not you.

It is not the PND.

It is him.

Tell him if he doesn't want to parent her, perhaps you should split up then at least you'd get maintenance and visitation.

Smilebehappy123 · 09/12/2019 23:48

He sounds like an absolute nightmare
What was he like before your child was born ?

Majorcollywobble · 09/12/2019 23:49

Sure you have PND and perhaps you may need anti depressants but you also need rest and some support after a difficult birth and being undermined by baby being fed formula when you wanted to BF .
Add more eye worries to the mix and lack of sleep- having to go downstairs with baby so he can sleep is selfishness taken to the extreme . Sending you a hug x you deserve one x

Original poster

em657 · 09/12/2019 23:49

This baby was planned, he actually approached me about trying for her. We agreed when I was pregnant when I'm on mat leave that he would pay for the baby stuff I would contribute what I could to the household. Didn't end up that way. For reference, he is brilliant father to the child he has on weekends, just not to the one he has everyday.

If I thought he was a bad dad to his other child I would never have stayed with him, let alone had a baby with him. Not that I regret having her, of course.

OP posts:

AFairlyHardAvocadoHoHo · 09/12/2019 23:49

Bloody hell OP you need to get out of this relationship before it becomes even more toxic.

Honestly? He sounds like an absolute prick. And a bully to be honest, essentially making you do things you don't want to do just because it makes his life easier, with no thought for you and baby.

Doesn't sound like he's ever heard of compromise. Poor you, as if you need this when you've just had a little one.

I bet if he'd had a blood transfusion let alone had to carry and give birth to an actual person he'd be milking it for fucking ages and have you and his mum running around after him

Majorcollywobble · 09/12/2019 23:50

Sorry money worries .......not more eye worries

1Morewineplease · 09/12/2019 23:52

Oh my lovely.. like PP I don’t belong to the LTB brigade but in your case I really think so.
I’m actually worried for you. He sounds abusive and is emotionally wrecking you.
You have been left to bring up your baby alone.
And your MIL suddenly fed formula when you were breastfeeding???
You need to kick him out. Is your mum around or siblings/close friends ? You need support.
You are in an awful situation.
Please find the courage to be alone with your beautiful baby! Neither of you deserve this appallingly negative attention.

steff13 · 09/12/2019 23:52

For reference, he is brilliant father to the child he has on weekends, just not to the one he has everyday.

That's my point; he doesn't really want the responsibility full-time. It's much easier to be a "brilliant dad" two days a week than it is seven.

Original poster

em657 · 09/12/2019 23:55

I have considered leaving, however if I did I would have to move back to where my support network is with my family, about 300 miles away.

I'm concerned that doing this, of he wanted to see her I would be made to bring her back up to him. Not sure if that's true, but as I am the one taking her away I think that's way CSM or whoever would see it.

OP posts:

Celebelly · 09/12/2019 23:55

Is he a brilliant dad though? Or is he a Disney dad that does the fun stuff? A lot of 'brilliant' dads mentioned on here seem to not do much in the way of actual parenting, just enjoy pitching up for days out or to play games and then are conspicuously absent when any actual parenting has to be done.

Popc0rn · 09/12/2019 23:57

"I've spoke to him about multiple times now and he's telling me that it's just the PND talking and that I need to start taking anti depressants."

Sounds like he's gas lighting you.

Also, he works a 60 hour week, but can't afford 50p for some baby wipes? What a waste of space. Sorry to be harsh OP, but he sounds like he brings literally nothing to the table, why is it all down to you to pay for the baby?? How can you afford to pay 50/50 for bills while you're on maternity leave? Please don't say you are using savings.

PixieDustt · 09/12/2019 23:58

he's telling me that it's just the PND talking and that I need to start taking anti depressants.

How fucking dare he even say something like this.
He's basically telling you it's all in your head you crazy woman. What an absolute cunt. Sorry for my language but that has wound me up.

He's a good dad to the other child because he's a weekend dad. He can wave goodbye to that child for 5 days and not take any responsibility.

You need to stand your ground. Get rid of this useless piece of shit who makes excuses after excuses.

thebluearsefly · 09/12/2019 23:59

Whoa. He’s a piece of shit

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