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AIBU?

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Original poster

Begining to resent my partner

76 replies

em657 · 09/12/2019 23:29

So I have recently started to become increasingly angry towards my OH due to his whole attitude since I have birth in July. He has done a lot of things that I have only really just picked up on as being unsupportive and unfair.

I had a relatively easy labour, but unfortunately lost a lot of blood so I had a blood transfusion afterwards which left me in hospitals for 4 days with our daughter after her birth. As with most births I also had tearing that required stitches. He moaned that I was in for so long and that he bored when he visited because all she did was sleep.

He took his 2 weeks paternity leave and used them as additional annual leave. He wouldn't help with her when she woke overnight or would change her. If she was noisy overnight, as I'm sure most newborns are in their sleep he would tell me take her downstairs and sleep on the sofa. He would moan he was bored in the day because I was so tired I wanted to sleep when I could so I stopped taking naps and we went to his mum's all day instead. He also would spend all morning in bed, and then moan that I hadnt woke him up or made him breakfast.

I was breastfeeding and was planning to EBF, however I was in the shower one morning and when I came downstairs I saw that he had allowed his mother to feed her formula. I could never get her to latch again, which was so heart breaking for me as I had set my heart on breastfeeding. Even after this he refused to help with any feeds.

Another issue that has recently started to bug me is the finances of having a child. I can afford to buy her formula, nappies, wet wipes etc myself although I think he should share a burden of the cost especially since I am on maternity leave and SMP doesn't stretch far especially when I still pay half the bills in the house. He doesn't pay a penny for her, he hasn't since I was pregnant. To further wind me up, he has another child from a previous relationship he pays maintenance for (and rightly so might I add) but refuses to pay even 50p for a packet a wet wipes for our child.

I havent had a lie in or a minute to myself since I've had my little one, because he works 60 hours a week and then refuses to help with her or get up at 7 with her so I can have a bit extra sleep because he is tired form work. What does he think I do? I look after baby, clean the house, do the shopping, cook all his food, do the laundry and run any errands he asks me too.

I have asked him why his attitude is so shitty, and his response 'it takes some people more time to get used to having kids'. I'm a first time parent, this is his second child. How much more time does he need.

Am I being petty about all this? I have PND and find it hard to see through it at times.

OP posts:
Stoople · 10/12/2019 02:58

LTB.

it isnt you, it isn't PND, it's him. What a selfish prick.

richteasandcheese · 10/12/2019 07:10

I suspect you'll start to feel much better mentally when you aren't living with an abusive fucker like him

It won't get better.

He's shown you who he is

If he was in a relationship with his other childs mother, now you have some true insight as to why they aren't together any more

AlwaysCheddar · 10/12/2019 07:18

He’s not a brilliant dad to a kid he sees once a week! Stop kidding yourself that he’s a lazy, selfish, vile turd and single parenthood would be better.

justilou1 · 10/12/2019 07:22

Oh god! I’ve never said LTB either, but I’m going to now! Assuming he’s on the birth cert? You can get cms to make him pay, too.

Obligatorync · 10/12/2019 07:23

I'd leave him. What exactly is he doing that benefits you or shows any love or even basic decency?

DeathStare · 10/12/2019 07:30

The reality is you are already a single parent and he is not going to do anything to change that. You now have a choice. You can either be a single parent in a place where you have a support network, or you can be a single parent living in the same house as him and miles from your support network.

SnorkMaiden81 · 10/12/2019 07:38

I'm so sorry it sounds like you've been hoodwinked. He's played a good game to get you hooked and effectively trapped and now you know who he is.

I'd have lost all and any respect for him by now and couldn't live with a man like that. You should leave.

jan9876 · 10/12/2019 07:43

This happened to me and I left when my dd was still a baby. honestly, it was the best thing I ever did. I felt so much relief, its so much easier doing it all yourself than living with someone like this, and you will build a support network. It was much easier leaving from the start as things will only get worse, the child will get older too - please make a plan, your baby and you deserve so much more than this

SweetAsSpice · 10/12/2019 07:48

You’ve become a mother. He STILL has not become a Father. In any capacity.

Honestly, it will be easier on your own, he will fuck with your mental health the rest of your life otherwise.

Flowers PND is tough. You need someone who can help you to tread water. This man is an anchor who will weigh you down forevermore.

BuckingFrolics · 10/12/2019 07:53

Just reading your first post made my blood boil. He's appalling. Even by the low standards many women seem to set their men, he is utterly useless.

Wontonhope · 10/12/2019 08:09

I say this with experience and love. Pack his bags and get him to leave. You will get more help and you’ll have less to do at home. He’s a pig. Or better yet go back to your support network. Whatever you do, do not stay with him a minute longer, it’ll get worse.

Notajogger · 10/12/2019 08:15

This is appalling. It's not PND it's the fact he's a terrible human being.

CalleighDoodle · 10/12/2019 08:17

He isnt a good dad to his oldest. He is disney dad.
He is an appallingly shit dad to your child. He is awful to you.

Move home.

Morgan12 · 10/12/2019 08:21

Go home!

You will be so much happier. And he will need to pay for his child then.

He isn't bringing anything to your life. It won't be a big loss really will it?

Motoko · 10/12/2019 08:32

Abuse often starts with pregnancy/birth, and as it was him who suggested you have a baby, that reinforces that he's abusive. Getting you pregnant was a way to trap you.

Go be with your family. Did you move away from them for him?

In the meantime, tell your health visitor what's happening, tell everyone, and when he tells you to go and sleep on the sofa, stay right where you are. If he doesn't want to be woken up, he can sleep on the sofa himself. You need the bed.

Oh, and telling you you need anti-depressants is out of the abuser's handbook. They all tell their partners that they're "mental". Don't listen to him.

Go back home, and make a claim through the CMS or whatever they're called now. At least you'll get some money off him for the baby.

Don't tell him you're leaving though. Just pack and go, or he will do everything he can to stop you, including threaten to get custody of the baby (because you're "mental"). Make your plan in secret, and leave while he's at work.

Nanmumandmidwife · 10/12/2019 08:51

Leave him, for your own sake and for your child’s.
Make a plan, don’t discuss it or tell him & just go while he is at work.
He is abusing you

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/12/2019 09:07

I came downstairs I saw that he had allowed his mother to feed her formula.

Think about that... how did they happen to have the right kind, ANY kind of formula in the house?? Bottles, sterilisation kit....

From out here that sounds awfully premeditated of them.

And that's your life now... unless you change it!

Good luck

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 10/12/2019 09:15

What are you going to do op?

He is abusive to you.

PowerHooper · 10/12/2019 12:44

Sure you've got PND. Pathetic New Dad.

the treatment's fairly straightforward, as outlined several times above.

KellyHall · 10/12/2019 12:51

Have you spoken to him? What's your plan?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/12/2019 12:59

Don't wait. Don't hope it will get better. Don't think he'll magically wake up one day and be he man he promised you to be.

He won't.

He's gaslighting you, telling you it's PND. It's not.

It's him being a useless tosser.

Pack your stuff today and get back to your family/support network.

He does not deserve you or you DD.

So sorry.

loserssaywhat · 10/12/2019 14:29

Op he's is totally shit.
I haven't read the full thread, I don't need to.
The guy is a jackass. He sounds like a moody, Whiney, lazy teenager.
Whinging about being bored when you've got a newborn? What the actual fuck are you doing with this waste of oxygen?
Actually enrages me that women and children all over the world are being dragged down by Male ineptitude and the failure of some men to step up and grow up.
Get rid of it. There's nothing in front of you but a life of misery with a man like that.

Original poster
em657 · 10/12/2019 20:56

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily funny you should say that, his other kid is a boy...

I have been considering leaving for some time and I think this is my only option. Will have to put some thought into where to go and when to do it now.

OP posts:
user1471449295 · 10/12/2019 21:00

Please ltb.
What a waste of oxygen he is.

KellyHall · 11/12/2019 15:19

It'll be hard but I'm sure you won't regret it. Make sure you're close to as much support as posdible, whether that's family or baby groups or friends.

All the best Flowers