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AIBU?

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Original poster

Begining to resent my partner

76 replies

em657 · 09/12/2019 23:29

So I have recently started to become increasingly angry towards my OH due to his whole attitude since I have birth in July. He has done a lot of things that I have only really just picked up on as being unsupportive and unfair.

I had a relatively easy labour, but unfortunately lost a lot of blood so I had a blood transfusion afterwards which left me in hospitals for 4 days with our daughter after her birth. As with most births I also had tearing that required stitches. He moaned that I was in for so long and that he bored when he visited because all she did was sleep.

He took his 2 weeks paternity leave and used them as additional annual leave. He wouldn't help with her when she woke overnight or would change her. If she was noisy overnight, as I'm sure most newborns are in their sleep he would tell me take her downstairs and sleep on the sofa. He would moan he was bored in the day because I was so tired I wanted to sleep when I could so I stopped taking naps and we went to his mum's all day instead. He also would spend all morning in bed, and then moan that I hadnt woke him up or made him breakfast.

I was breastfeeding and was planning to EBF, however I was in the shower one morning and when I came downstairs I saw that he had allowed his mother to feed her formula. I could never get her to latch again, which was so heart breaking for me as I had set my heart on breastfeeding. Even after this he refused to help with any feeds.

Another issue that has recently started to bug me is the finances of having a child. I can afford to buy her formula, nappies, wet wipes etc myself although I think he should share a burden of the cost especially since I am on maternity leave and SMP doesn't stretch far especially when I still pay half the bills in the house. He doesn't pay a penny for her, he hasn't since I was pregnant. To further wind me up, he has another child from a previous relationship he pays maintenance for (and rightly so might I add) but refuses to pay even 50p for a packet a wet wipes for our child.

I havent had a lie in or a minute to myself since I've had my little one, because he works 60 hours a week and then refuses to help with her or get up at 7 with her so I can have a bit extra sleep because he is tired form work. What does he think I do? I look after baby, clean the house, do the shopping, cook all his food, do the laundry and run any errands he asks me too.

I have asked him why his attitude is so shitty, and his response 'it takes some people more time to get used to having kids'. I'm a first time parent, this is his second child. How much more time does he need.

Am I being petty about all this? I have PND and find it hard to see through it at times.

OP posts:
Saxifraga · 10/12/2019 00:00

He sounds utterly horrible op. I've never commented ltb on a thread before but I am doing today.
I hope you can get away from him with your daughter, and I hope you have some support from friends and family.
He's a dick.

ElizabethMountbatten · 10/12/2019 00:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

81Byerley · 10/12/2019 00:06

Why exactly are you with this person?

DishingOutDone · 10/12/2019 00:10

Are you married, is his name on the birth certificate, do you rent or have mortgage etc., how old are you both and surely he was an arse in some other way before the new baby came along? He sounds like an utter prick and you need to make some plans Hmm

jimmyjammy001 · 10/12/2019 00:12

How long have you been in a relationship with him? Were there no warning signs/red flags at other things when you were together before the baby?

titnomatani · 10/12/2019 00:14

He's an abusive shit @em657. You need to cut your losses and LTB. Don't let him cloud your judgement- which is exactly what he's trying to do with his gas lighting. Also, there's a reason why he's got an ex and a child before meeting you- he probably did the same with her. Leave and you'll be in a better situation than you are now.

Supersimkin2 · 10/12/2019 00:16

Of course you've got PND. He's awful.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 10/12/2019 00:20

Sent you and the baby downstairs to sleep on the sofa because you were disturbing him in bed? What a cunt. He sounds abusive actually. LTB, do not give him a moment longer. Good luck.

AllyBamma · 10/12/2019 00:23

I am continuously amazed at the sheer numbers of seemingly intelligent, high functioning women that attach themselves to these pathetic excuses for men. What an absolute shit bag. Was he like this before you had your daughter or has he had a sudden personality transplant after the birth.

You have a very very low bar if you stay with this man. I’m not 100% on UK law but im pretty sure you can make wherever you like with your child in the country and he doesn’t get to have a say, he doesn’t get to hold you ransom, away from your family support, just because you have a child together. The 300 miles away takes you to a different country then I think that’s a bit different.

For the love of god, pack your stuff and never look back

Creepster · 10/12/2019 00:23

He doesn't see her when he lives with her so the only reason he might want to see her if you leave is to punish you for refusing to continue to prioritize his desires over your and your babies needs.

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2019 00:27

What is your housing situation?
Who's name is it in?

You really need to leave him/kick him out.

And you'd probably get more money from him through CSA.

Notodontidae · 10/12/2019 00:27

PND talking, what a useless lump of lard. He was happy to join in making the baby in the first place, he is not naive enough to think it ends there. I fear you've made an investment in a business that's about to go bust, cut your loses now.

Blondebakingmumma · 10/12/2019 00:37

Take your baby back to your family. He can make the effort to see her. He does t make the effort now, what makes you think he would if you left. He is a waste of space

KellyHall · 10/12/2019 00:38

I really feel for you op Flowers

My dh started off brilliant when we had dd but got worse and worse and it didn't matter what I said to him, until I told him he had to move out.

IF and that's a big IF, you want to stay with him, you could try giving him a consequence to his shitty behaviour/attitude, i.e. "You need to step up. If you won't, I will leave you with dd and you will have to travel 300 miles to see her. If you don't, make no mistake that she'll grow up knowing what a selfish useless arsehole you are". And if he is going to step up, he has to make double the originally requested amount of effort to prove to you he is worth sticking around for.

Don't ever make any allowances for this oxygen theif again.

Creepster · 10/12/2019 00:38

It isn't uncommon for us to find out who they truly are when we become pregnant. It usually gets worse from there.
I am so sorry.

Bluerussian · 10/12/2019 00:52

I have to say I think your man is bad. LTB if you can, better still get him to move out - useless waste of space.

No you wouldn't be expected to travel up to see him with the baby if you moved away. He would have to visit you.

What did he expect fatherhood to be? You only had your baby in July and he has been no help whatsoever.

You would really be better off without him.

zeddybrek · 10/12/2019 00:59

I'm sorry your partner is not being supportive. Did he even want this baby.

LTB, you are on your own anyway. Stop doing anything for him, you are a mother of one not 2.

crossroads1 · 10/12/2019 01:03

He sounds so awful - he should be supporting you every step of the way. Im so sorry you're in this shitty situation... I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you and your daughter. There is no point in being in something that makes you unhappy just because you are afraid to leave because you have to move 300 miles away. You will feel so much better knowing you did the right thing in your heart and to be a great example for your daughter.

Booberella9 · 10/12/2019 01:12

What the fuck?

What sort of utter low life uses pat leave as a holiday and complains about not being brought breakfast?

Take your baby and run don't walk the 300 miles back to your support network. Let him take you to court if he fancies. New mothers need support and he's not providing it, plain and simple. Disgusting.

Teapot13 · 10/12/2019 01:13

Agree with previous posters. I say this every time but if you have separate accounts and split things (as opposed to family money) don't forget the cost of childcare, which you provide for free. He should contribute half the cost of that if you are contributing half towards everything else.

StoppinBy · 10/12/2019 01:19

Oh wow! I read your title and had a chuckle thinking how easy it is to start to resent your partner when you have a new baby because you are kind of trapped and he is out there working and living like nothing changed

BUT

Your partner is a piece of shit! Seriously he needs to step up to the plate big time. I can't believe they fed your bub formula against your wishes when you were B/F - pricks! Tells you to sleep on the couch...... with a baby - Asshole! Doesn't pay for baby at all and you are paying half the bills - Time to tell him to fuck off I think.

I hope it works out for you but he is a total wanker and it sounds like you might be better off alone.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 10/12/2019 01:25

Wait until the fucker is at work, pack up your stuff and go. He’s such a lazy bastard that it would be too much work for him to even going to court for contact. If he could be arsed going to court, I doubt the courts would say you’ll have to make a tiny baby travel 300 miles to see him.

By any chance is the first child a boy?

Savingshoes · 10/12/2019 01:36

I came downstairs I saw that he had allowed his mother to feed her formula.
Xmas Sad
This would absolutely break my heart and would have had me packing before the baby had finished her feed.
You visit your MIL to entertain your man-child, your sleep deprived and about to end up financially struggling whilst he continues to Lord it about.
Take a well deserved trip to your family and just don't come back. Say "sorry we ran out of money after I paid for everything so we're here until I can afford different" .

Buyitinbamboo · 10/12/2019 01:43

Leave him. Your work load would actually reduce and he would have to start contributing to his child

OrangeSlices998 · 10/12/2019 02:51

What a terrible awful situation. PND is not the problem, it’s your dickhead of a partner. If you can take some time away, go wherever there is support and assess your options there. You and your daughter deserve better. If you moved 300 miles because of a lack of support from him I’m not sure what the legalities would be for you to have to travel back for visits - it might be worth seeking some legal advice if this is what is preventing you leaving. So sorry OP. This is absolutely not your fault.

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