Boyfriend so irresponsible

[imcuriousok]

Not sure if I'm posting in the correct place but just wanted to vent and to know if I am unreasonable to be driven crazy by this!!!

Me and my boyfriend have been together since age 16 and we're 23 now. We've always had a good relationship and are like best friends but one thing about him that drives me mad is that he is just so irresponsible.

A few examples..
He got a parking ticket, didn't pay it on time so ended up having to pay almost £200 instead of the original £30 fine.

Gets speeding ticket, 'forgets' to pay it so now he owes almost £400 for this speeding ticket which was originally £100.

Goes on night out, loses his wallet which has a lot of money in it.

Can't cook anything for himself and will wait until his mother is home to make him dinner - he's almost 24 for gods sake!!!

We don't live together or have any children but sometimes I think how the hell would he cope having to look after a child if he can barely look after himself.

So AIBU to find this behaviour really really annoying when there are no other problems in our relationship? Opinions and advice please even if it is brutally honest and to tell me that I'm being a diva!

You've been living as a grown up. He's been living as an oversized child.

And all he has to do is wait a little bit longer and he will be able to do it in the house you buy him (and cook in, and clean, and pay all the bills, and make all the decorating choices, and do the gardening, and EVERYTHING ELSE for him). All he has to do is sit tight, look a bit sorrowful 'Oh, I don't know how to do that', be a bit shit on a couple of occasions (such as the time you ask him for the first time to put a washload on - if he even manages to switch the thing on as it'll be different to his Mum's one and he will have inexplicably forgotten how to read the manual- you'll have grey whites and jumpers boilwashed, then left in the drum to fester until you get them out), miss a couple of bill payments - and you'll take over everything.

And once you get fed up with it, well, he gets half a house, doesn't he? Or he suggests you have a baby and you end up doing it all then because 'you don't work, do you?'.

Does he recognise that it's an issue and wants to change? If so, what steps does he think he can take to change it?

(You can set alarms/reminders on phones these days to help you remember to pay things!)

The speeding fine what few if any posters have commented on is the fact he shouldn’t have been bloody speeding in the first place! It’s just as irresponsible and dangerous as drink driving and to have been fined what he was it must have been a pretty bad incident!

Bit dramatic. A friend was done for doing 31 in a 30. If it’s a handheld camera, some forces might allow 10% plus 2, some might throw the book at you.

I really hope the money you are saving for a mortgage is going in an account with your name on it (preferably only your name) - he can put his savings in an account in his name.

It’s not just cooking, it’s being able to wash your clothes (try and not put red pants in with white shirts or wash synthetics on a boil wash) dry clothes before they get mouldy, pair socks together, iron stuff etc.., being able to put the bin out in bin day and bring it back in, do shopping and clean up after oneself, get up on time, put fuel in the car (the right fuel), arrange MOT and insurance, not leave house unlocked and windows downstairs open when you go out, not go to the pub and get pissed and then realise you need a lift home and to be able to collect your car the next day - and you will get really fed up if you are the one doing all this for him, all the time

No not dramatic at all, shameful that it's only just being recognised that speeding is just as irresponsible, selfish and dangerous as drink driving.

I don't for a second believe someone was charged for doing 31 in a 30 zone, the police have to allow for speedometers not being completely accurate, but it's not uncommon for those caught to lie to their friends and family about the circumstances.

I see it all the time on police twitter accounts, drivers (and other criminals) mouthing off they were treated unfairly only for police to respond with the facts of the case and the moaning drivers suddenly go silent! What a surprise.

I've even witnessed such incidents and been present when drivers have tried to argue they weren't going "that fast" when I was going just under limit and they've bloody flown past me!

Unless you've personally witnessed you need to consider people lie, misremember, miscalculate etc

@Graphista he was going 34 in a 30mph zone I saw the letter myself it was a fixed speed camera that caught him, I know that's no excuse he was still speeding but he wasn't going much over the limit

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
HE WILL BRING YOU SO DOWN ONE DAY, YOU WILL NEVER GET UP.

You see whats happening here?
You are absolving him, making excuses for him.
He is a twat and you are a twat for putting up with a 24yr old manbaby.

So, I have a 13 year old son. He is my baby and very much his big sisters baby brother.,... But he can cook a meal for himself and others if need be, he can put a wash on, tumble dry it. He understands rent, council tax and money having to last!

In effect, your adult bf is less able to look after himself than my newly teenage son!

You’re very young to be burdening yourself with this boy-man, why would he change? He is showing you quite clearly this is what you get, it’s up to you whether you want this, only worse, for decades. Enjoy your life, I’m a decade older than you and can’t even remember being 23, it was a lifetime ago, just live your life and do not factor this dude into your future.
My husband cooks every day, but when I met him he always lost his wallet/keys, I never took on any responsibility for his choices, didn’t sympathise, help look for, comment on, etc. not my problem. Magically he managed to muster up some self control after natural consequences of his choices (maximum fines, new key bit needed for his car to start, getting new bank cards sent out, etc.) but none of it was any of my business or concern or problem to solve. If you choose a life with this young guy, expect more of the same of what he’s shown you for years.

@imcuriousok, you alreaday have taken up the role of his mum there. You depict him as a victim (he wasnt going that fast/he is doing plenty of otger things. just not the cooking etc...) and someone that needs to be 'understood because poor mite wasnt doing anything that bad really'.

The reality is

• he was speeding. It doenst matter if it was 'just over the limit' or not, he was breaking the law.
• he had a fine and shouod have paid it straight away. Not doing so is irresponsible and shows no sense of responsibility. Atm you are saving for a house together. It doesnt annoy you that he is happy to spend so much money on nothing, therefore affecting your ability to move together? Whilst, I suspect, you are being very careful wth money to save as much as possible? How do you think its going to work when he has to pay mortgage, electricity etc... and he has 'forgotten' again to pay his fine? Where is he goingt to find those £400 spare?
• He is tidying up, doing the washing etc... And what??? Arent they NORMAL things for him to do? Or do you believe that him doing what is his normal share (or bare minimum?) makes him someone amazing?

And btw he isnt cleaning HIS house. Its still his parents house and I am sure his mum is still doing the lion's share of it. So he is vaguley tidying up after himself, maybe cleans and hoover his bedroom. So what? That is the MINIMUM I would exect my teen dc to do. They are not amazing for doing that.

He needs to start demonstrating commitment to learning to cook and moving towards your shared goal of getting a mortgage by not wasting money. Ready meals, takeout and pizza might be a quick fix how now but add a couple of kids, mat leave and a mortgage and you wont be able to afford it so it's not realistic for the future. DH can be similar (at now 40) and even if he does pitch in its haphazard. He wanted major praise for sticking the tumbledryer on before work but I came home to wet clothes because he hadnt emptied the water tray first. Sigh.

@Graphista he was going 34 in a 30mph zone I saw the letter myself it was a fixed speed camera that caught him, I know that's no excuse he was still speeding but he wasn't going much over the limit

Totally irrelevant, I speed at times but I know I’m doing wrong - 4 miles over or 40, he still chose to not face up to what he’d done and ignore it.
What else is ok in your book - I’m intrigued.......

@CanIHaveADrink I'm definitely not making him out as a victim, I was just addressing a comment that somebody made about him being a danger and as bad as a drink driver when he was only going slightly over the limit.

Although I know it's still unacceptable and I completely agree with what you and other posters have said so thank you for commenting. I definitely need to see a change in him before I consider moving in with him

@Foslady if you read the comment I was replying to when I said that you would see that I wasn't sticking up for him for speeding. I was addressing someone who said he was probably lying about the speed he was going and that he was as dangerous as a drink driver.

It's definitely not ok. The problem here is the fact he was in no rush to pay the fine resulting in it going up massively

Financial issues are one of the three main reasons why people get divorced according to the statistics. You have seen several giant red flags waving in the wind at you regarding his finances. If you marry this man he won't suddenly change- this pattern of financial irresponsibility will continue and will probably escalate but only now it will affect you too. If you are ok with picking up the pieces of his poor financial decisions and having your credit rating affected by his immaturity then by all means go ahead with this relationship, but at least go into it with your eyes open. The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour. People generally dont deviate from patterns of ingrained behaviour unless they have had serious therapy or a chance to honestly self reflect on their mistakes (before anyone says that people can change- they can of course, but this takes immense motivation and self honesty). If you continue with this relationship, you will effectively take on the "mother" role and this is not a healthy dynamic for any relationship. He will end up resenting you for being the punitive killjoy who constantly nags him about his responsibilities and you will end up resentful and bitter that you've ended up with a man-child who never steps up to his responsibilities and behaves like a perpetual 14 year old. I'm sorry but just from what you've written- this won't end well. I'm sorry OP.

I would suggest he lives by himself before you consider moving in with him.

He'll get the chance to learn some important life skills. You mentioned you were try to save money for a mortgage so didn't want to live seperately, look at this as a massive investment in your future.

If it all works out you haven't spent to much financially and he has had a chance to learn how to be an adult without also having to learn how to be a couple living together.

If it doesn't work out well bullet dodged

I've been reading all of the comments and just want to say thank you to everyone for commenting, it's been a real eye opener for me.

I think because I'm so young and have been with him for almost 8 years it's really hard for me as we've basically grown up together. But After reading everyone's responses I definitely feel like renting is the best option firstly to see whether he can actually show some maturity and look after himself

as we've basically grown up together. No! YOU have grown up, perhaps. He has not.

Rent, 6 month let, see how that goes, extend for another 6 months, see if he can keep it up. But basically I suspect you are looking at the beginning of the end of your relationship. You seem to want, understand different things of being adult. When living together his lack of maturity will very quickly become a thing you cannot stand!

Sadly, some men like this remain like this forever. My DB was like this at 23, and he's still like it at 52. Granted, he's also badly damaged by the childhood abuse we all suffered as children, and he also has MH issues. But it's been the same for me and our DSis. We've grown up and had our own households and families. He hasn't.

It's partly my DM's fault for continually bailing him out when he gets into tricky situations. I was very much reminded of him when you described how clueless your boyfriend was about how to manage money; my DM controls my DB's purse strings; she sorts out his benefits and pays a cleaner to clean his flat.

The question is, I think, does your boyfriend have any ambitions for his life? Does he have a career plan? If he does, there's a chance that he could grow up. Not necessarily into being able to cook, though; I remember a couple in a previous church where the husband called the wife saying that he didn't know what to do with an egg that had already been boiled.

It depends what you're willing to put up with. It sounds like a good plan to rent for 6 months and to see if he can get his act together.

my DM controls my DB's purse strings; she sorts out his benefits and pays a cleaner to clean his flat.

I remember a couple in a previous church where the husband called the wife saying that he didn't know what to do with an egg that had already been boiled.

Jesus.

It's like they're another species, given half the chance.

Even if there were no obvious potential problems, I would have still recommended renting together first. You really just don't get to know someone until you live together, both dealing with work and life stress, getting up in the morning etc essentially not getting much of a break from each other. Only then do you get a better picture of who the other person is and whether you are suited to each other.

Look, OP, you were concerned enough to write a post. Posters replied pointing out that you are sleepwalking into a mortgage, life and possibly children with a manbaby suffering from Gendered Delayed Adulthood, who expects you to make him be a grownup when you move in together — and now you’re defending him. Suddenly he vacuums!

If he can hold down a job, he can meet work deadlines, remember important tasks and dates, buy ingredients and read a recipe. He simply doesn’t want to. There are no consequences to his financial carelessness or inability to feed himself.

@NaturalDisasters I'm really not defending him, my original post was about his carelessness about money etc so I'm obviously going to comment when people are making false assumptions that he is lazy and doesn't clean or do anything for himself when he does. He is very independent in some ways but then he's not in other ways.

I wouldn't have made the post if I didn't think it was an issue because it definitely is, and I do agree with the majority of replies I've had they've been very helpful.

@Lizzie0869 thanks for your comment! Yes he's got a good job and is very driven when it comes to his job, he's just way too laid back for his own good.

That's crazy about the boiled egg, but I shouldn't laugh because he probably wouldn't know what to do with it either!! He's quite a fussy eater and has never eaten a very healthy diet so all the foods he eats are convenience foods that don't really need much cooking (apart from 10 mins in the microwave haha)

Thanks for the advice I'm definitely going to consider renting now to see how it goes before committing too much