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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend so irresponsible

103 replies

imcuriousok · 09/12/2019 13:06

Not sure if I'm posting in the correct place but just wanted to vent and to know if I am unreasonable to be driven crazy by this!!!

Me and my boyfriend have been together since age 16 and we're 23 now. We've always had a good relationship and are like best friends but one thing about him that drives me mad is that he is just so irresponsible.

A few examples..
He got a parking ticket, didn't pay it on time so ended up having to pay almost £200 instead of the original £30 fine.

Gets speeding ticket, 'forgets' to pay it so now he owes almost £400 for this speeding ticket which was originally £100.

Goes on night out, loses his wallet which has a lot of money in it.

Can't cook anything for himself and will wait until his mother is home to make him dinner - he's almost 24 for gods sake!!!

We don't live together or have any children but sometimes I think how the hell would he cope having to look after a child if he can barely look after himself.

So AIBU to find this behaviour really really annoying when there are no other problems in our relationship? Opinions and advice please even if it is brutally honest and to tell me that I'm being a diva!

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 09/12/2019 14:19

Well your update is a bit more hopeful!

Don't have children or marry until you've lived together, then.

Then you'll see how much of that is hot air and what he's really like to share life responsibilities with.

Do it soon. You don't have years to waste if you want to start a family with him. I'd think you'd need at least a couple of years living together to thrash this one out. If he stalls - that tells you a lot!

JudgeRindersMinder · 09/12/2019 14:20

In the nicest possible way I think you’ve outgrown him, it’s maybe time to look at your options

Original poster
imcuriousok · 09/12/2019 14:21

@FizzyGreenWater thank you for the comment! I totally agree. He really wants to move out ASAP but I don't graduate from university until next year so am not really in a financial position to get my own place until at least another year

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 09/12/2019 14:22

To be fair I would forget about a ticket, I've also lost my purse/bank card/bag several times. I can cook my own dinner though.

Thestrangestthing · 09/12/2019 14:25

I hate cooking though and if someone else was going to come in and make me something nice to eat, instead of me having to do it, I'm not going to turn that down.

fishonabicycle · 09/12/2019 14:26

Let him live on his own first and see if he grows up. Otherwise you will definitely end up doing everything for him.

EBearhug · 09/12/2019 14:27

He can learn to cook now. He doesn't have to wait till he moves out.

I couldn't live with that sort of flaky attitude to bills, though. If I lived with someone like that, I would spend my whole life on edge, not knowing what the next thing he forgot to pay would be.

Original poster
imcuriousok · 09/12/2019 14:27

@TammyKat we've kind of spoken about it I've always told him how irresponsible he is when he keeps losing stuff and he agrees but just says he tries not to but he can't help it! As for the food part he always says that he'd like to learn how to cook proper meals and I've always said I don't mind showing him but we just never get around to it. The food thing isn't a massive issue it's the carelessness that drives me mad

OP posts:
Equanimitas · 09/12/2019 14:28

insists that if he moves out he wants to learn to cook as it's not something he's ever known to do

What's stopping him from learning now?

mistermagpie · 09/12/2019 14:30

I would walk away. My first husband was this kind of man-baby and trust me when I say that what's tolerable when you're 23 and not living together, becomes a whole lot more tedious and unattractive when your in your 30s and its your money he's pissing up the wall.

You don't need to have a child though, which is one advantage, because you already have one.

embarassednewname · 09/12/2019 14:30

Forgetful and irresponsible are terrible traits in a partner. It might be all love and romance for a while but when kids come along and you have a mortgage and a job to hold down and he adds more work to your plate because he's a manchild, resentment will build up quickly. And you'll be one of many women middle aged and either divorced or absolutely miserae because of a man who refuses to grow up. You'll ne saying to people "I thought he'd change, I thought he'd grow up". He won't. You have my sympathy because I ended up with one like that but luckily I left before having kids.

embarassednewname · 09/12/2019 14:31

what's tolerable when you're 23 and not living together, becomes a whole lot more tedious and unattractive when your in your 30s and its your money he's pissing up the wall.

This 100%.

Coralfish · 09/12/2019 14:37

I'm going against the grain a bit, but some people take a bit longer than others to grow up. 23 is still pretty young in my opinion, and in today's housing/ job market, many 23 year olds have not had a great deal of independence.

Re: the cooking, my DH does all the cleaning in our house and I am very very happy to let him, just like when I lived at home and my mum did all the washing. I pull my weight in other ways. If he is starving hungry but not eating until his mum is home, that is different to just waiting until 8pm when his mum has cooked dinner. Some people do bury their heads in the sand a bit, or struggle to juggle everything. I am sure everyone can think of an example where they forgot to do something and it had consequences, whether at work or home. With these two instances of the tickets, the test will be whether he learns from his mistakes or repeats it a third time.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/12/2019 14:40

He could learn how to cook NOW. I think he's waiting for you to move in together so he can hand over all cooking to you as he 'can't do it'.

WhoAmIToTellYou · 09/12/2019 14:41

He is being a diva not you. You dont even live with him so the incidents probably barely scratch the surface. He doesn’t sound the type to do his laundry or clean his room. I bet his parents paid the late fines?
He’s careless and a liability. Dump him.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/12/2019 14:42

As for him constantly losing and forgetting things - that's gonna be very expensive until he figures out a way of not doing it.

Ohdearohdearyme · 09/12/2019 14:45

He would have to grow up and learn to look after himself BEFORE I moved in with him. If you move in first you can bet your ass he wont change and could possibly get worse.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/12/2019 14:46

insists that if he moves out he wants to learn to cook

There's nothing to stop him learning now.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/12/2019 14:47

Why can't he learn to cook now? Does his mum lock the kitchen? I bet she would not mind having a meal cooked for her by the son she's been feeding for 23 years..

Lulualla · 09/12/2019 14:50

Why haven't his parents taught him to cook? Or, why doesn't he Google a recipe he wants to try and just bloody make it instead of sitting waiting for his mum.

Honestly OP, you're saying he just needs to grow up but here's the thing.... he's grown up. He's an adult. This is his version of grown up. This is who he is. Some people dont become responsible adults, whilst other people do. That's life.

He is the sort of guy who you go out with in high school. He isn't the man you have children and raise a family with. Just take the advice and have a think.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/12/2019 14:56

I guess in theory it's possible that he's just enjoying this extended childhood, and can become more mature. But I really would not move in together and have children before he does. Those tiny little things that he's careless and wasting money will be HUGE, MASSIVE issues when you have a joint home, not to mention family.

mencken · 09/12/2019 14:57

you've grown up and he hasn't. Nothing stopping him learning to cook, except that he is too bone idle. and no-one 'cant' help' losing stuff.

if this is really the best you can do - keep independent homes and independent finances, and double up on the contraception. Or if he is that nice a bloke, why not get him to sort himself out?

plenty of time but I wouldn't expect change.

CanIHaveADrink · 09/12/2019 15:00

He needs to move out and live on his own first and foremost.
Atm he has no incentive to be careful because he haas no responsibility. I suspect that if you move together straight away you will end up replacing his mum wo even realising it (either by having to teach him to be an adult or by doing all the things his mum does - cooking, covering for. His ‘mishaps’ financially....)

Mamabear88 · 09/12/2019 15:01

He's only 23. That's very young. Yes it is an adult. But it is a young adult. Everyone matures at different rates and men generally mature later than women do. I honestly think it's just that he is still immature and needs to grow up a bit. This will come naturally in time. I would strongly advise not to have a baby with him anytime soon, he's clearly not ready or responsible enough to be a parent yet. Is there any way you could encourage him to be more of a grown up without nagging him? Maybe suggest staying in one night and cooking a recipe together or something?

countrygirl99 · 09/12/2019 15:06

My OH couldn't cook. His parents had extremely old fashioned views about what men and women did and so his mum didn't see the point in teaching him. He did an evening course to learn.

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