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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child is miserable at home

58 replies

StormBaby · 09/12/2019 11:24

If you had a child that was utterly miserable in your home, this had been going on for years, they were desperate to live with their other parent and constantly requested to go, and were unwavering in this, would you let them go? One of my stepchildren is so desperate to leave home they are going to walk on their 16th birthday. Right in the midst of their gcses. Surely mum would be best placed to let them leave now, the year before? In an ideal world the child would be put first but I'm not sure that's going to happen. Child is going to pack a bag and walk literally that day.

(I do have experience of this as one of mine went to live with Dad for a while as a teen. It devastated me but I knew it wasn't all about me)

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/12/2019 11:26

Will the child be safe living with the other parent? Does the other parent want this? Is there anything that can be changed to make the child more comfortable in the current situation?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 11:27

At 15 they’re old enough to decide now. Are they wanting to move in with their dad? Do you live with him?

christmassymcchristmas · 09/12/2019 11:29

So the child is coming to live with you and presumably has 2 homes now. I think the "right in the middle of her GCSEs" comment is a bit dramatic in this case

Original poster
StormBaby · 09/12/2019 11:32

It's in a court order that mum is the resident parent so not much can be done right now. Can't afford to go back to court.
Child is with us every single weekend and more than half the holidays.

OP posts:
churchandstate · 09/12/2019 11:33

Kids say all sorts of things. I would wait and see what actually happens, providing the child is safe.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 11:34

It’s £215 to go back to court. Or keep them during next contact and let mum go to court. The situation is either untenable and the child is miserable and you need to act or it’s not and you carry on as things are. Can’t have it both ways.

Original poster
StormBaby · 09/12/2019 11:36

@christmassymcchristmas, they are 1.5 hours drive away with resident parent so would have to move schools in year 11. We've tried telling them to wait but they are determined, they hate it that much there. This feeling hasn't changed in almost 5 years. Resident parent is aware of how they feel.

OP posts:
churchandstate · 09/12/2019 11:38

What I would do as the mother depends on why the child is so miserable. 🤷🏻‍♀️

RuffleCrow · 09/12/2019 11:39

You seem very gleeful about the prospect of a 16 year old leaving their mother's protection.

I wonder why. - Is it about feeling vindicated in your choice of partner, that he is 'proven' to be the 'good dad' you want him to be? Is it about point scoring with the child's mother? Is it about freeing up hundreds of pounds of child maintenance each month? Or is there another motive at play?

There is no mention of anything that would indicate the mother isn't doing a good job - miserable teens are ten a penny.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 09/12/2019 11:43

YANBU

but so many separated parents use their children to score points and make themselves feel better, they don't act in the best interest of the child ever. They are still so bitter about the separation, and god forbid the ex has a new partner, they keep fighting even when it damages the child. It's sad.

MiniMum97 · 09/12/2019 11:44

@RuffleCrow she doesn't sound gleeful at all. What about her post makes her sound gleeful? I don't see it.

lau888 · 09/12/2019 11:46

I think that's impossible for internet strangers to gauge; it's very dependent on the people involved and the full circumstances, etc.

I know one family who had this scenario and the child permanently returned to the mom after about 3-4 weeks. I know another family with this scenario and the child is still living with the dad with no plans to return.

The grass isn't always greener. I'd want to check the underlying reasons for the child's unhappiness. I don't think it's always as simple as "I hate mom and want to live with dad". Look into family dynamics, school issues, friendship issues, standards of living, mental health, etc. If there is a masked reason, problems are rarely solved by running away.

Original poster
StormBaby · 09/12/2019 11:51

The mother is definitely not doing a good job, there's neglect a plenty, but she seems to be untouchable in that respect. That's not what I'm asking about. The children have all accepted the poor existence they have there sadly.

I'm asking about knowing your child is going to possibly affect their education because you won't let them do what they wanted to do age 10, or 11, or 12 for your own selfish reasons. Surely anyone with their child's best interest can see that's not ideal!?

Remember, I've been there myself, it was horrendous! I felt like I'd failed, but my teenager was happier for it.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 09/12/2019 11:51

Certainly at fifteen the child should have the choice of where to live. Perhaps you could look into finding a suitable school that has same curriculum as one he is at now. I do agree however that it would be best for him to get GCSEs out of the way before moving - however if he is unhappy....

All the very best, you sound like good people.

Original poster
StormBaby · 09/12/2019 11:57

At the end of the day, in about a years time, when they turn 16, they'll be moving here regardless as that is what they are adamant is happening. They are that desperate they don't care about affecting gcses or losing friends. Nothing for me to be gleeful or vengeful about. I just think mum should think very hard about what she's doing.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 09/12/2019 11:58

as a PP said it costs 215 pounds to represent yourself in court and should be straightforward if the child is clear in their wishes. They are old enough that their feelings will be given weight.

churchandstate · 09/12/2019 11:58

It’s pretty much irrelevant what we would do, OP. If she’s a neglectful parent who doesn’t put her children first, the question is, what are you going to do?

churchandstate · 09/12/2019 11:59

£215 must be manageable in the next couple of months, or you probably can’t afford to add a teen to your home anyway.

RuffleCrow · 09/12/2019 12:00

It's the way she keeps repeating the phrase about them just packing their bags the second they turn 16 and leaving @MiniMum97 - like she simply can't wait to have this child under her roof. To hell with due process!

She's clearly not prepared for the father to go back to court with...you know...actual evidence that the mother is unfit in some way.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 09/12/2019 12:05

My mother didn’t let me leave. I walked out the door at 16 to my Dads, never went back, was low contact for a while and have now been NC for over a decade. Neglect and abuse. Totally deceived the courts.

Original poster
StormBaby · 09/12/2019 12:06

@RuffleCrow probably because we have zero faith in the court process. There already was/is evidence of neglect and it was all ignored at the time. I can't see how now will be any different? Courts don't always get it right and sometimes you just have to accept that and be patient.

I'm very glad I never behaved like this with my children and the ex husband. And yes, I am smug about it. I've always done what is best for the children, no courts, caffcass, social services needed, even if it hurt my feelings at the time.

OP posts:
churchandstate · 09/12/2019 12:08

A court is highly likely to go with the wishes of a 15 year old, regardless of why they want to live with the other parent. I think you need to allow the child a voice here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 12:10

In 5 years their dad hasn’t done anything about it? Does he not want them to live with him?

RuffleCrow · 09/12/2019 12:13

In my experience people who push this high-pressure "now, now, now!" attitude towards important life decisions (especially where a vulnerable person is involved) usually have an ulterior motive for wanting the decision to be made quickly and emotively rather than giving it the consideration it is due. Courts make mistakes sometimes, yes. And the best remedy for that is to go back and ask them to reconsider. @stormbaby

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 12:15

It doesn’t matter what we think. If you’re so adamant this child is coming to harm it’s yours and their dad’s job to step up. Otherwise you’re just sniping about their mum as if your resentment of her is more important than the wellbeing of a child.

I’m a step mum. I’d be judging the hell out of my husband if he stood by while my precious DSC came to harm or suffered neglect in their other home.