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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child is miserable at home

58 replies

StormBaby · 09/12/2019 11:24

If you had a child that was utterly miserable in your home, this had been going on for years, they were desperate to live with their other parent and constantly requested to go, and were unwavering in this, would you let them go? One of my stepchildren is so desperate to leave home they are going to walk on their 16th birthday. Right in the midst of their gcses. Surely mum would be best placed to let them leave now, the year before? In an ideal world the child would be put first but I'm not sure that's going to happen. Child is going to pack a bag and walk literally that day.

(I do have experience of this as one of mine went to live with Dad for a while as a teen. It devastated me but I knew it wasn't all about me)

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 09/12/2019 14:37

Ok, i missed the bit where the op got into some specifics.

However, we should all remember we are only hearing one side of the story - we know nothing about the op, the dad or the mum.

How likely is it that the school, children's services, the mother (and to a large extent the father) and the courts all ignored the ops repeated claims about smelly dirty children? Schools are really up to speed on child protection nowadays, for the most part. Also, a 15 year old is surely responsible for their own hygeine? I'm not willing to side with the op when it's only her side to go on. There must be a lot more to this story.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 09/12/2019 14:42

Yabu because they can leave now if they want to. You may have to go through the courts to get it settled but a child is consulted and pretty much allows to choose at that age.

I know a Mum at school whose son was sent to live with his Dad (the parent who moved away) but now at age 11 has been allowed to choose and has moved back with his Mum. Reports that I have are the the Dad was emotionally abusive to both wife and son but the courts gave him residence, while Mum had every other weekend, because he was out of work, I.e. not an agreed SAHP but just didn’t bother getting a job when son was school age.

Ok i accept I have that third hand but what is definitely true is that he’s now chosen to live with Mum because I’ve seen him at the school!

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 09/12/2019 14:43

Ah really sorry I missed a page! But in any event shows that not all courts are the same.

doritosdip · 09/12/2019 14:56

Rufflecrow- I disagree that smelly dirty children would ring bells.

SS repeatedly visited Baby P's home where there was animal shot smeared on the walls but he wasn't taken away. I think that SS are so under resourced that the threshold to remove a child is far too high.

RuffleCrow · 09/12/2019 15:02

That was one incident and not representative of the current state of child protection - it resulted in huge changes designed to prevent a recurrence. Plenty of MN threads where children have apparently been removed for far less.

PhilipJennings · 09/12/2019 15:12

OP, I think you should try again with the court process. I know you feel let down by the last effort, but there are a couple of reasons for the court to feel differently:

  1. 15 is much more capable of self determination than 12 and more mature.

  2. you can point to the last order, saying we did everything that was asked of us and gave it a fair shot - it's been 3 years, that has been more than enough time to give mum a fair chance to bond, it hasn't happened and the time has come to recognise that. Doing it before GCSEs is the best thing not to disturb their education. Child can testify that they will walk out in middle of exams if they have to but they are determined to leave.

IMO it's worth laying down the £215 now rather than waiting til 16 especially if they are putting their education at risk.

Comefromaway · 09/12/2019 15:19

With regards to them walking out in the middle of exams - it was an entirely different situation but because my dd went to school 45 miles away from home she lived in a caravan with her dad during her GCSE's. We looked into a hotel but caravan was cheaper.

If your step daughter is deadly serious about walking out could wither you or OP book holiday and find a cheap Travelodge within commuting distance to her school for those 2-3 weeks to enable her to complete her exams.

(obviously only if other avenues fail)

AJPTaylor · 09/12/2019 15:29

If there is no other option then look at Local FE colleges for year 12 for them to do a level 2 qualification. When are they 16?

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