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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child is miserable at home

58 replies

StormBaby · 09/12/2019 11:24

If you had a child that was utterly miserable in your home, this had been going on for years, they were desperate to live with their other parent and constantly requested to go, and were unwavering in this, would you let them go? One of my stepchildren is so desperate to leave home they are going to walk on their 16th birthday. Right in the midst of their gcses. Surely mum would be best placed to let them leave now, the year before? In an ideal world the child would be put first but I'm not sure that's going to happen. Child is going to pack a bag and walk literally that day.

(I do have experience of this as one of mine went to live with Dad for a while as a teen. It devastated me but I knew it wasn't all about me)

OP posts:

TheBrockmans · 09/12/2019 12:16

Other than jobs, is there any reason why you can't move closer so that there is less disruption to them moving in with you? Even if Dad moves temporarily to rent for 6 months. It is really hard to move once GCSEs start. You might not find a school willing to take them at that stage. I agree it would be better to move sooner but only the parents themselves can decide that, all you can do is make suggestions to mitigate the impact.

doritosdip · 09/12/2019 12:20

That's really sad.
I'd be selling everything to make it happen sooner. The child is 15 and would have had their wishes respected by the court years ago. I really would have done it years earlier so their GCSEs weren't interrupted.

Original poster

StormBaby · 09/12/2019 12:26

@doritosdip it went to court once when the child in question was 12. It was decided that all of the children needed to stay with mum to build more of a bond with her as there wasn't one. Child's wishes were ignored. Neglect was ignored. There has been more neglect reported since, all ignored.
I guess we have no choice but to go back to court really. Why can't she just do what is best for this particular child? It's not that hard really!

OP posts:

churchandstate · 09/12/2019 12:28

Why aren’t you fighting again for all the children? This isn’t about one child, it’s about the neglect of several children, isn’t it? You seem to have the slightly odd expectation that this apparently abusive mother should just see things your way and do the right thing. If she was capable of doing so there wouldn’t be an issue, because she wouldn’t be the person you say she is.

Original poster

StormBaby · 09/12/2019 12:28

I think some people have a rosy view of the court process, they make the wrong choice very often. People can't always keep fighting, emotionally or financially.

OP posts:

churchandstate · 09/12/2019 12:30

Nothing on earth would stop me fighting for my children’s right to a safe and secure home.

Pipstelle · 09/12/2019 12:31

People who haven't been there really don't get it. The courts will often side with the mother even in the face of overwhelming evidence. The whole process is incredibly awful for the children and the adults. You're best bet might be to start talking to schools near you and see if they'd take the child out of year and they could do a repeat of year 10. If you present the history of neglect etc you might just win your case. I'd put my efforts into fighting that fight.

Pipstelle · 09/12/2019 12:33

We had a very similar thing with DSS. We paid for him to go private and repeat year 10 then he went back to state for 6th form. 6th form had no issue with him being a year older especially in our case as he was a summer baby anyway.

PepePig · 09/12/2019 12:33

It's a bit pathetic that in 5 years with all this neglect you're talking about, you've done SFA about it. If it was me, I would have been in the courts relentlessly if I thought the other parent was abusing my child.

5 years of neglect during their most formative years will already have had a huge impact on them. You need to step up and sort this, through the courts, now.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 09/12/2019 12:34

Yes they do often side with the mother in spite of evidence against her. I’m a victim of that. If she’d just let me go, rather than trying to save face and not wanting the stigma of a child leaving her custody, maybe we could have salvaged a relationship. But nope.

I left at the start of Year 11. I did much better in my GCSEs than predicted because I had a nice home life.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 09/12/2019 12:35

@PepePig it’s not that easy. The court has already sided with the mother despite evidence of neglect. You don’t have unlimited appeals or go back to courts. It’s fucking horrendous to know a child isn’t being cared for, have shown people who can do something about it, and then have them choose to do fuck all. What else are people meant to do?

doritosdip · 09/12/2019 12:35

I wonder what would happen in practice if a teenager refused to go home to the RP? 12 and 13 year olds are deemed capable of deciding to sever contact with the NRP so it's shocking that they don't get to choose who the RP is.
It really sounds like the judge should have ordered the opposite - dad as RP and mum as NRP.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 09/12/2019 12:38

@doritosdip the police escorted me back. Twice.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 09/12/2019 12:40

Is it a money thing? If you told the mum that maintenance would not be reduced would she let the child move?

Small price to pay IMO if the child would be happier.

breakfastpizza · 09/12/2019 12:40

So child has a shit, neglectful mum, and shit, apathetic dad who can't be arsed to do anything about it. No wonder they are miserable.

Original poster

StormBaby · 09/12/2019 12:48

Those of you saying why aren't we fighting, we've reported incidents every single time they've happened, to safeguarding at the school and to their county social services(we are two counties over from them). It gets treated as 'malicious' every time because its 'the ex'. Even when faced with photographs. Nobody is interested. The children are bullied at school for being smelly. Nobody escalates it. We tried just keeping them all here. It breaks the court order so she can get the police to collect them. It's really not that easy.

That wasn't the point of this thread. I'm dealing with the neglect side of it as best we can when they are in our home. When they are with us I feed them, put them in clean clothes, do activities with them and love them like they're my own. When they had constant nits when they were little, I treated them every weekend. I make sure they always have bedding on their beds as the don't at home. I've taken them to the dentist and the opticians as she doesn't. None of this gets flagged up by SS.

The point of this post is, this child in particular will walk in their final year at school because they hate it there so much, and am I being unreasonable in thinking that mum should swallow her pride and recognise that this could ruin said child's education?

OP posts:

churchandstate · 09/12/2019 12:51

OP, you don’t seem to be getting this. The mum SHOULD do many things. She isn’t doing them. Obviously - if everything you say is true - she isn’t in the right. 🙄

doritosdip · 09/12/2019 12:55

Of course you're not being unreasonable to think that leaving mid y11 will be disastrous and that either Dad should have moved near Mum or she should be honest and let her dd live with you.

When I asked about what would happen if the child refused to go home, it's curiousity. I'm divorced with teenagers and in your dsd's shoes I can imagine them telling the police that they don't want to return and won't go in the police car. One of them iNC with their Dad and if he had a police car pick him up, he'd just physically run away.

havannaoohnana · 09/12/2019 13:02

How old are the other children?

What a terrible way for them to be living :-(

Mermaidtissues · 09/12/2019 13:36

I would encourage the child to try to initiate this now, can they ask someone at their school to mediate if the mum doesn’t allow it.

I was this child, I moved out to my other parent, I wished that I had done it sooner.

greenlobster · 09/12/2019 13:56

From what you've said of course it's be better for the child to move now, and of course it's not ideal to be moving schools in the middle of their GCSE year, but it doesn't sound like there's a lot you can do about it and if they really do go through with their plan to walk out as soon as they're 16 then as long as they have a stable home and a new school to go to then it's more likely the worst case is delaying uni/career plans for a year because of taking an extra year for retakes rather than it ruining their entire education.
I'd encourage the child to do their best at school now if they really intend to do this.

GummyGoddess · 09/12/2019 14:08

Is it possible to locate the syllabus for your local secondary and see which parts are the same as the current school? If they're adamant then at least try and mitigate the effect on their education. Check the local school, ask about a place and explain the situation, find out the exam boards and possibly pay for a tutor? Not sure what to do regarding the coursework that should have been worked on in year 10 though.

MummytoE · 09/12/2019 14:15

Could you get dad to talk to school and get them to report any issues that they have had or that they notice to social services too. I think you are going to have to go to court but nothing is gauranteed

Pipstelle · 09/12/2019 14:23

I get your anger. You have every right to be incandescent with rage. Watching a child be neglected is horrific. Vent - but not on here! You're a stepmum and can do no right. Whatever you do will be not enough or too much. Going to court now is pointless. By the time you get through court the school year will be done.

Focus on what you can do. Put out feelers to state schools or private if you can swing it. Keep going OP. You're this kid's champion. And I'd be finding a therapist for the kid too because the transition to your house may be tricky. This kid is going to have a lot of resentment and anger they've held in and once they feel safe it might come flying out. You're doing great!

RuffleCrow · 09/12/2019 14:26

Have i missed something? Other than a miserable teenager when they visit the OP's house (show me a teen who isn't periodically miserable) where is the evidence this child is suffering any form of neglect? @Pipstelle

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