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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been left out again

71 replies

thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 10:43

I'm almost certainly BU.
I started a new job this year, three months pregnant. Straight away my supervisor was off with me, kept trying to get me to bring my maternity leave earlier, found lots of ways to say general comments to the team about improvement but always direct them at me, etc. Everyone else was lovely though and I worked for as long as I could before being advised to stop working.
I went back to work after five months when baby was just under four months old and everything seemed to have improved. Supervisor is lovely, everyone seems happier etc.
But then a couple of weeks ago I found out I was left out of the secret santa, which would have been drawn after I went back to work. Then last night I was scrolling on Facebook and saw there was the staff Christmas party and I hadn't been invited. I could have dealt with both these things in isolation, but hurtful to be left out but saving money so oh well. But then I saw the other lady on maternity leave, who went on leave a couple of months into the year and hasn't returned yet (within her rights but to show she isn't even working there at the minute and barely has this year) was invited.
I feel so hurt to have been left out and everybody spoke about the secret Santa thing in front of me, actually including me in the conversation knowing I wasn't involved.
Aibu to be so hurt by this? I was already having doubts about this job as it's with children and since having my own I don't believe I'm good enough but now I just want to hand in my notice and never return.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 10:44

Oh also I contributed to everyone's birthday collections and I didn't receive one myself either. So that's another way I was left out which is probably adding to these feelings

OP posts:
Sunflowersok · 09/12/2019 10:45

That’s awful OP I’m not surprised you are feeling the way you do! You certainly aren’t BU. Pushing out like that is somewhat bullying

Original poster
thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 10:48

I'm supposed to go into work tomorrow and I really just don't see the point as I'm not going to be happy being there, I'm leaving my small baby, and due to a change in my partners work we can afford for me not to be there.
I actually cried when I saw the pictures which isn't normal for me at all.
Funny you mention bullying, when I spoke to my midwife about it all during the pregnancy she said I was being bullied by the supervisor. Can't whistleblow though as we're such a small building she'd know straight away it was me.

OP posts:
Nonotmenori · 09/12/2019 10:48

I'd be asking them all was there a reason I was deliberately left out of both?

I'd also be vocal in stating I wouldn't be adding to collections seeing as my own Birthday wasn't even acknowledged. C'mon OP stand up for yourself.

Happyadventurer · 09/12/2019 10:54

If you are being bullied and excluded you may want to check out if you have grounds for constructive dismissal.

Original poster
thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 10:54

I contributed before my birthday not realising I'd be left out. If I'd known I'd have said no, as I couldn't really afford it but figured at least I'd get a nice amount of money just before the baby was born. I'm not contributing anymore, and luckily since being back nobody has had a birthday.
I'm going to be in the office on Friday to sort some admin out (they terminated my contract when I went on maternity instead of just saying I was on maternity so I've had to do everything all over) and will mention it then. I'm not very good with being nice if I'm hurt and I know it's all going to come out very bitchy which I don't want as I need the reference if I do leave, but then again I've experienced some real bitchiness since starting there too. I expected some as it's just what you get when you're in a nursery but not to this degree

OP posts:
Original poster
thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 10:55

Unfortunately I don't qualify for constructive dismissal as I've only been in the job since January ☹️

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/12/2019 10:57

Go in. Ask them. Be blunt. Be very vocal about it. Tell them how much you are hurt by it, how nasty it is, how ashamed of themselves they ought to be.

If you can now afford to walk away don't be worried by the fact that she will know you are speaking up, take a deep breath, pretend you are a very brave woman and REVEL IN IT!

You might be surprised at just how liberating it can feel to not actually care about consequences... and what positive results such out of the ordinary actions can reap.

Think about it... what is the worst that could happen? You leave a job that is making you miserable?

Hugsgalore · 09/12/2019 10:58

Did you mention your pregnancy before you accepted the job? If not do you think your boss could be resentful that she hired Simone who would be on maternity leave within 6 months?
I'm not saying her behaviour is in anyway acceptable but maybe she's pissed off with you.

Original poster
thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 11:02

Very true. I'm definitely going to speak to the manager Friday about all of this - she'll have been the one to have excluded me from everything.
I mentioned something when I said I'd been told to stop working, I'd felt so ashamed of leaving so suddenly I had a little cry and was very apologetic but did say how I felt pressured to leave because of the supervisors comments. She didn't say much to me but maybe said something to her and that's why since I've come back she's been nicer?
I think with it all added together I can't do this anymore. I signed my contract again a couple of weeks ago and was asking lots of questions to clarify what each point meant including where I can just say I'm unavailable and therefore I could hand in my notice Friday and then say I'm not available to work for the next month. Considering doing that. I'll have to work this week just because if I don't the numbers aren't safe in the rooms and I don't want to put children at risk for the sake of two days.

OP posts:
Equanimitas · 09/12/2019 11:03

If your boss is condoning this conduct, it sounds as if you have a case for discrimination on the grounds of pregnancy for which you don't have to have been employed for two years.

I'd suggest asking for a meeting to sort all these issues out and keep the potential discrimination issue in reserve. If possible, take someone with you for moral support and to take notes.

Original poster
thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 11:04

I interviewed before pregnant, accepted the job knowing I was pregnant, but was only 4 weeks at that point. I'd had a miscarriage a few months earlier at 14 weeks so didn't tell anybody until the scan.
I was due to start the week after the scan but went straight in afterwards to tell them, gave them the option to retract the job offer as I hadn't had anything in writing at that point so nothing could have come back to bite them, but they said they were desperate to have me and it was fine.

OP posts:
Woollycardi · 09/12/2019 11:05

They terminated your contract rather than put you on maternity? What?? And now because of their 'error' you need to do paperwork that you shouldn't be doing anyway? That sounds horrible. For now, as horrible as it might feel to be excluded, I would feel pretty relieved that you didn't have to endure a Christmas party with these people who are apparently caring for children but are perfectly happy being nasty to another adult and try and plan an exit strategy. This isn't the job for you. Don't question whether or not you can do the job, I think that's paranoia (understandably) sneaking in. You are by the sounds of it in a very toxic work environment.

Bluerussian · 09/12/2019 11:06

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 09-Dec-19 10:57:01
Go in. Ask them. Be blunt. Be very vocal about it. Tell them how much you are hurt by it, how nasty it is, how ashamed of themselves they ought to be.
.......
I agree with above.

I feel so hurt for you, Equanimitas. It's just not right.
Cake

queenrollo · 09/12/2019 11:09

do you mean that instead of you going on maternity leave they just terminated your contract? That sounds dodgy to me.

You might get some better responses if you post in the employment section on here but rights at work when you are pregnant/on maternity are slightly different and before you do anything else you should check if you have a case for Constructive Dismissal due to this.

Hepsibar · 09/12/2019 11:09

Sounds to me like they are v disappointed filling a vacancy with someone who then turned out to be pregnant and they know they will have to cover all the work again and are taking this out on you which of course is illegal and goes against equalities legislation.

We are not in the 1970s where people would actually not employ someone who is pregnant or indeed females of childbearing years and this was common practice.

Your supervisor and colleagues, stressed, overworked (maybe); lack of training; archaic outlook (almost certainly). Document everything, each incident. Talk to the manager as soon as you can.

Doyoumind · 09/12/2019 11:10

Why did they terminate your contract before maternity leave? You were entitled to maternity pay. This is all sorts of wrong.

Original poster
thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 11:13

Yes the owner hadn't had a bank member of staff go on maternity before so she didn't know what to do, so just terminated the contract.
I then gave them the date I could return on but before that had to go in to sign contracts, staff suitability forms, redo my dbs check, and all of that kind of thing. I also have to go back through all of the policies and sign them again despite only reading them six months ago.
I'm not really interested in starting a fight with them, I'd rather just leave quietly. I live in a very small town with five preschools and I've already worked in two of them now so if I started saying about discrimination and bullying word would get out and none of the other places would touch me.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 09/12/2019 11:13

Hand in your notice if you want - you sound lovely worrying about the ratios but is that really your job to worry about it? If you can be calm resign and tell them why you are leaving - you have been bullied and you feel you've been discriminated against.

If they try to guilt trip you to staying - stay firm. They didn't worry about your feelings, why should you worry about theirs?

Original poster
thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 11:14

I wasn't entitled to maternity pay as I'd been out of work before this job, and when I started I was already pregnant so neither the workplace nor the government would give me anything

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NeedAnExpert · 09/12/2019 11:17

Yes the owner hadn't had a bank member of staff go on maternity before so she didn't know what to do, so just terminated the contract.

Bank workers don’t usually have contracts........

Original poster
thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 11:20

I have one 🤷‍♀️ it's zero hour, but it states how my holiday entitlement works, how notice works, how I can choose my hours and they can't say anything, my duties when I'm in work, and that kind of thing. Also says I agree to not smoke in uniform or during opening hours, and something else to do with uniform

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/12/2019 11:20

Do you have anyone particularly friendly there that you can ask about why you were excluded?

Original poster
thatguiltyfeeling · 09/12/2019 11:22

There's one lady who I thought was really nice I could ask, but she's not really the type to message and if I asked her at work everyone else would be around so it wouldn't be discreet.
Nursery workers are usually quite bitchy and two faced, you get the odd nice one (which I hope I am one of!) but even the ones that can be nice to your face are bitching about you behind your back anyway. Can't really trust anyone in this profession, especially in this town where everyone knows everyone anyway

OP posts:
NeedAnExpert · 09/12/2019 11:23

Okay, so lots of different and defined terms are being mixed up here.

A zero hours contract isn’t technically bank. Bank workers aren’t employees. Zero hours staff are. Very different in terms of employment terms.

Are you the only one working on these terms?

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