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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and new job

66 replies

Werkwerkwerkwerk · 09/12/2019 09:24

DH has a hectic job. Works long hours, takes calls late into the evening and 60% of the year works internationally. It's fine I accept that's it's his job and he might miss when I'm ovulating, going through IVF, birthday or anniversary. I just get on with it.
I took a new job recently, was head hunted, got a 30k raise. But the hours are long while I learn/put in the hard yards.
DH isn't being supportive. He is always commenting on my long hours, late night and early starts.
Why is it ok for his work to impact on our life but not mine? AIBU to give this a red hot crack or should I be at home more?
FWIW, when DH isn't international he WFH. Chores are split 70/30 to me I would say, I have higher standards to tend to do the heavy lifting.

OP posts:
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 09/12/2019 09:26

No way, he's got his career and you're allowed yours. Why is he not so understanding of this? Has he given any reasoning other than you're not home as much as he'd like you to be.

Original poster
Werkwerkwerkwerk · 09/12/2019 11:22

No reasoning. He just seems off about it ......

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 09/12/2019 11:33

Any man who thinks like this, "Do as I say, not as I do" is a sexist pig, lets be honest here and call a spade a spade

Rezie · 09/12/2019 11:35

So he is a way most of the year and would rather have you sitting at home alone but he cannot explain why? Sounds like he has very fragile masculinity. The other reaossn I can think of are even worse.

Original poster
Werkwerkwerkwerk · 09/12/2019 21:18

I work in typically a male focused environment. I'm now nearly in equal pegging financially and I've jumped up brackets in the past few years while his growth has been steady. I would love him to make me dinner every now and then, not just ask 'why are you so late, what were you doing up so early ........)

OP posts:
OrangeZog · 09/12/2019 21:21

It sounds like he has preferred you to see him as superior to you (in the workfield at least) and is resenting your success.

Congratulations on the new job.

TowelNumber42 · 09/12/2019 21:22

Don't react. Behave exactly like he would. Ignore the huff. It's growing pains hopefully so after a bit he will have adjusted to the new normal. Carry on as if oblivious.

Merryoldgoat · 09/12/2019 21:24

He’s jealous of you. You need a frank conversation about whether he wants a proper partner or to share the load with, or does he just want everything his way?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 09/12/2019 21:27

Congratulations on your new job, definitely give it all you've got!

Your husband sounds like a dick.

underthebridgedowntown · 09/12/2019 21:29

This reply has been deleted

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Lulualla · 09/12/2019 21:32

Yet another racist paddy comment from mumsnet

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 09/12/2019 21:33

Does he have a superiority complex? He should be happy for you, not having a strop. He sounds like a selfish twat.

MadeForThis · 09/12/2019 21:35

You need to challenge his attitude. Make him confront his own hypocrisy.

maddening · 09/12/2019 21:35

Where lulu?

Lulualla · 09/12/2019 21:36

The post above mine.

Witchofthenorth · 09/12/2019 21:38

A paddy up my neck of the woods is slang for tantrum. I'm not sure where that derived from, must look it up.

Witchofthenorth · 09/12/2019 21:39

Found out why, I get it now @Lulualla

MindyStClaire · 09/12/2019 21:40

It's an anti-Irish slur witch. I've reported it, unless particularly sensitive, MNHQ tend to delete the post.

Jasonh · 09/12/2019 21:41

@Lulualla

Im Irish myself, and I don’t find it he term “throwing a paddy”offensive. I honestly have never met any other Irish person who does. Calm yerself down.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/12/2019 21:43

Do you get to see each other much with both of you working long hours? I am not saying he is in the right, just wondering whether this is sustainable for you both long term?

Lulualla · 09/12/2019 21:43

@Jasonh

Oh, well since YOU dont mine that's ok then. Let's alert everyone else that it's not racist because Jasonh is ok with it.

MindyStClaire · 09/12/2019 21:43

It's a phrase that is never used in Ireland, and has been discussed at length on here. The vast majority of Irish posters find it offensive for obvious reasons and MNHQ delete it.

Jasonh · 09/12/2019 21:45

This reply has been deleted

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OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/12/2019 21:55

I guess it could be one of two things.

  1. He is away a lot so when he is home he wants to see you. If both of you have careers that mean you are out of the home a lot, then inevitably you will see each other less. I can get a bit grumpy when my husband is away a lot because I miss seeing him, it feels like when we catch up there is just time to debrief on house / kids/ family stuff and not much time to have fun together. When we're both really busy with work it never seems to coincide and feels like we dont connect as much. If he feels like this though he should talk to you about it and try and make sure you book some quality time in etc
  1. He is jealous that your career is rising and your earning power might overtake his. A lot of men apparently don't like this as clearly having a wife who is great at her job makes them less manly or something! If that's the case then obviously he is being a twat.

I guess you need to sit down with him and say you've noticed he is commenting a lot negatively on your job and moaning about things like late nights at work that he himself does and ask him what the issue is.

Ps congratulations that is some pay rise, I'd love to know what you do!

PepePig · 09/12/2019 21:56

Throwing a paddy isn't offensive. At all. I am also Irish. Confused. So many soft people these days...

Anyway, OP. He sounds jealous. Ignore him and enjoy your success.

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