DH and new job

[Werkwerkwerkwerk]

DH has a hectic job. Works long hours, takes calls late into the evening and 60% of the year works internationally. It's fine I accept that's it's his job and he might miss when I'm ovulating, going through IVF, birthday or anniversary. I just get on with it.
I took a new job recently, was head hunted, got a 30k raise. But the hours are long while I learn/put in the hard yards.
DH isn't being supportive. He is always commenting on my long hours, late night and early starts.
Why is it ok for his work to impact on our life but not mine? AIBU to give this a red hot crack or should I be at home more?
FWIW, when DH isn't international he WFH. Chores are split 70/30 to me I would say, I have higher standards to tend to do the heavy lifting.

@Lulualla
The comment above yours wasn't from Mumsnet, it was from a poster on a public forum. Quite right that people should be criticised for racist comments but ffs get your criticism right. Makes you look a bit daft tbh

Have you got children OP? Sorry if this is way off the mark but if you have been trying and struggling then maybe he feels like you are choosing career over a family or something tied up with the emotions from that? Apologies if that's insensitive

The only reason I can think of is that he liked to believe his job was more important than yours - the Big I Am.

And now he can't make out that he's working soooo hard to provide for the family, because you are too. So he puts you down.

Butterisbest, Lulualla was commenting on the frequency with which MN users use that phrase, not implying MNHQ used it themselves. As I suspect you well know.

@Butterisbest

The point is that people on this particular forum, mumsnet, use that phrase regularly. It pops up from mumsnetters really quite often despite many discussions and deletions. It's an issue with the mumsnet demographic. Anc because some people are fine with it, they feel the need to ignore an historical racial slur which has no place today.

Sadly I think he's probably feeling threatened by your success.

Be very blunt here and tell him he needs to check himself, before he loses you. He wants a subordinate who he can feel good against, and someone who he's got a fab excuse to leave most of the housework too because they only have a 'little job'? Very unattractive.

You're up early and staying late because you WANT TO. Because you like your job, and you want to be successful. Just like him. Tell him to have a good think about whether he actually has a problem with that.

He is being unreasonable obviously. It’s ok for him to swan around but you should cook his tea. LOL, no. What IS he on?

OP, think you'll enjoy song.

Not only is it insensitive @OoohTheStatsDontLie, it’s incredibly sexist. Why should the OP have to take the emotional responsibility for conceiving a child just because she’s female?

Anyway, apologies OP.

Some men, no matter how modern you think that are, simply cannot get past their Male ego. You're progressing quickly; you might start earning more than him. You're not reliant on him so he doesn't get to be the big man and that's probably what he wants.
If you're out working long shifts then you're not at home waiting for him to arrive. You're not getting his dinner ready. He went admit it but he probably liked the thought that you were waiting at home for him.

Confront him, lay it all out and nip it in the bud now.

OP, if I understand this correctly, you don’t have children yet but you are trying and having some difficulties? Have you actually started IVF or are you just planning to? Having been through IVF, he can’t absent himself from the whole process because you need him to give his sample on the day of the egg collection, and also to look after you after the sedation. You probably realise this though.

If you have a generally good relationship, I’d suggest you sit him down and talk about the double standard. He may not realise how instinctively he has subscribed to the traditional viewpoint that the woman’s career is subsidiary to the man’s.

Deep down, he thinks you should be at home more doing homey things to smooth his path as many breadwinner just because you are a woman and that you have a job not a career and he's realising he might have to step up on the domestic front and how will that work when you have a baby.....

Or maybe he just misses you!

Because he thinks he's above you because he's a man. Surely you knew you were meant to hang around the house waiting for him and doing more housework?

I wouldn't continue ivf with him that's for sure.

Congratulations on your Job OP

stick with the job OP.. your DH is being very unreasonable.

Have you discussed how you are going to share childcare and housework if you have children? I’d be very concerned after this that he doesn’t expect his life to change much.
Please don’t hold yourself back to protect his ego, it will bite you in the bottom one day. You need a proper talk and to challenge him on his attitude.

There's probably a whole bunch of stuff going on in his head around cultural expectations he's grown up with that he isn't conscious he's thinking but it boils down to sexist double standards. Have you tried calling him out on it? He may be genuinely shocked when he sees what he's doing. But in any case, stop with the IVF and trying to conceive until you've sorted this out and discussed how things will work with children. They will magnify differences like this x100.

It's fine I accept that's it's his job and he might miss when I'm ovulating, going through IVF

Are you doing/planning IVF?

Is he concerned that the long hours/stress could affect things in this regard?

Definitely stop the IVF. And, in fact, be careful with contraception. I think your H is suddenly going to be very enthusiastic about impregnating you, because once you're pregnant, you will be back in your place as his subordinate and will have to forget all that nonsense about having a high-earning career.

I suggest you have a good long talk with him about the fact that you are not his servant, and that you want and deserve professional success and intend to have it. If he doesn't stop with the digs, and particularly if his behaviour gets worse, then get rid of him before you have DC. Life is too short to put up with an unsatisfactory man, and it is never a good idea to make professional sacrifices just because some man thinks you being successful will make his cock fall off.

@MindyStClaire
As you suspect I well know , get over yourself, I've never interacted with you on this site so get to fuck with your assumptions about me.
@Lulualla. I didn't even see the comment that was deleted. You said a Mumsnet comment and you were wrong.

@MindyStClaire
I didn't even see the post before it was deleted.
I have no idea what I'm expected to "well know"
I've only just received the email telling me that you've @ me in a post

@MindyStClaire. Brilliant song, thanks for posting that!

it is never a good idea to make professional sacrifices just because some man thinks you being successful will make his cock fall off.

Best advice you'll ever get.

Congratulations on your new job .
Sorry, I don’t understand the Irish bit.
You both sound very preoccupied with your own separate and hectic lives. Should you both be considering children? Just saying.

Butter I didn't @ you. You ok there? All I did was point out that your criticism of another poster was unjustified.