DH and new job

[Werkwerkwerkwerk]

DH has a hectic job. Works long hours, takes calls late into the evening and 60% of the year works internationally. It's fine I accept that's it's his job and he might miss when I'm ovulating, going through IVF, birthday or anniversary. I just get on with it.
I took a new job recently, was head hunted, got a 30k raise. But the hours are long while I learn/put in the hard yards.
DH isn't being supportive. He is always commenting on my long hours, late night and early starts.
Why is it ok for his work to impact on our life but not mine? AIBU to give this a red hot crack or should I be at home more?
FWIW, when DH isn't international he WFH. Chores are split 70/30 to me I would say, I have higher standards to tend to do the heavy lifting.

@MndyStClaire.
My apologies i was wrong it wasn't you that did the @ it was Luella.
No I'm not ok and don't patronise me. You did state that ' I well knew" a statement was racist and that's what I objected to.

With the chores being split 70/30 I'd be very tempted to get a cleaner in so that you have more leisure time outside of work.

No I said you well knew Luella was saying the poster had made a racist statement, not mnhq. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought her post was perfectly clear.

Have done several rounds of IVF. So yes I'm well aware of the involvement and yes I've thought on the impact that children will have.
Have thought of a cleaner often. Toy with the idea regularly, but I'm proud of my house and in a kinda sick way get pleasure from cleaning, find it grounds me and makes me appreciate it.
I'm not sure he is being malicious, perhaps just struggling with the idea that I was once the younger wife on 100k less than him and now through pure grit I'm on 20k less than him. Which leads to comments from people in his network that I'm doing well. I don't think he doesn't want me to succeed, but maybe it makes him realise that maybe he has flatlined a bit. He was so proud and thoughtful when I got the role. But appreciate that he might just be worried about the hours I work. Even today, when he is about to travel he wants to know my movements.

@Werkwerkwerkwerk you need to start thinking like he does. It sounds like you are defaulting to accepting his shit, even though you are equally successful and important work wise. I presume you will automatically take maternity leave if your IVF is successful, and I don’t suppose it’s even entered his head to split it equally. I also presume you are the one who is mentally planning all the financial sacrifices you will be making.

Just stop, and start claiming your rightful place in your household. He’s not the boss of you. Change your mindset, even give it a go for a month. Every time you find yourself thinking like you, think “what would he do in this situation” and do it. I bet you will find it enlightening.

Even today, when he is about to travel he wants to know my movements.

That's very controlling. He does not like you having too much independence op, be warned.

Even today, when he is about to travel he wants to know my movements.

You need to put the IVF on hold and have a serious chat with him.

He is sexist. He probably thinks he isn't, but he is. He is threatened by your success, he believes that you should 'work' but that 'work' should also involve looking after the home, cooking dinner, etc.

I would seriously, seriously have a long, long conversation with him before you embark on more IVF or ttc. Maybe even with some counselling.

Or I can also just repeat this again, which is really the best advice on the matter: It is never a good idea to make professional sacrifices just because some man thinks you being successful will make his cock fall off.

He was fine about the new role until he actually realised the implications. That you would no longer be the junior in the marriage, the little wifey with a goodish job (but not as good as his) who could be relied on to keep house, cook, and eventually be at home with the babies. Whilst he stayed in his rightful place as head of the household, who will swing past sometimes to kiss (clean) baby heads, eat supper, and get a good nights sleep whilst you do all the work (oh and go back to work part time whilst still do everything at home).

He may not be thinking this explicitly, but it's clearly his mindset. If that's not how you see your future,I think you need a very explicit conversation.

Have a proper, sit down chat and let him voice his concerns.

Hopefully when he verbalises them he will see how unsupportive he is being and will change his tune.

Even today, when he is about to travel he wants to know my movements.

And so we moved from fragile masculinity into controlling territory.

Ugh that's so disappointing with the sexism. Sorry OP, it's not okay what he's doing! I would also be concerned though about how it will be when/if there is a baby involved. Will he cut down on the hours/international travel? Or are you effectively going it alone 80% of the time. Will he take paternity leave or is it only your glittering career that's expected to take the parental hit?

Even today, when he is about to travel he wants to know my movements

excuse me..what?? That's very controlling.

He sounds exactly like my ex-DH. He was very supportive and encouraged me to accept the job knowing how long my hours would be. After I started, it was all complaints about why I'm not home for dinner (i.e. make dinner as he would never plan or cook dinner except for guests or special occasions) etc etc. Whenever I had a difficult situation at work, he'd tell me to quit. If I ever said anything less than positive about my boss, he'd say it's my fault for not quitting. He'd make jokes about how his wife now makes more money than him. He always wanted to know where I was and he'd even text me in the middle of the Christmas party to ask me when I'd be home. If I was ever more than 15 minutes late, all hell broke loose, including after the Christmas party.

It led to our divorce.

Irish is not a race so it is not racist.

In the Equality Act, race can mean your colour, or your nationality (including your citizenship). It can also mean your ethnic or national origins, which may not be the same as your current nationality. For example, you may have Chinese national origins and be living in Britain with a British passport.

But even if you don't agree with the equality act's definition of racism, surely you can agree it's xenophobic - and we're surely not ok with that either.