To be crying my eyes out now that i finally know what is "up" with me?

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Long story short, me & mum have done a fair bit of research and we are going to push for a diagnosis of ADHD/ADD on myself.
Ive got so many waves of emotions right now, mainly relief that finally theres an acknowledgement that there is fucking something that is holding me back all these years. And that this thing isnt necessarily a bad thing, just a difference.
Im mid 30's & i know for sure that if i was a primary school child today this would have been picked up on as a matter of course.
Ive struggled all my life wondering what the fuck is wrong with me and why i cant concentrate & why i cant progress despite A grade exams when (no offence) seemingly illiterate people seem to have it all together.
I feel like i finally have a hope at my life starting again.
Im sorry if this is rather incoherant. If anyone has any words of wisdom, advice or support i would appreciate it very much as i feel that a tidal wave of emotions i have been supressing for so long has finally burst the dam.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily yes, although you need to find a good GP.

With mine, I went to the GP with pages written out supporting my wish to get an ADHD diagnosis. Once they agreed I said I was going to go private for the referral due to wait times.

The private consultant will then send a letter through confirming diagnosis and asking the GP to take over care once meds have been finalised. Shared care I think it’s called.

My GP is great, but don’t think twice about asking to see a second or third if your initial dr doesn’t agree.

I understand. I was diagnosed with dyspraxia as an adult and finally knowing why my brain didn't do what I wanted it to do was brilliant. I also grieved for the help at school I could have had. I think it has made me more determined to fight for help for my own children at school.

Sorry, OP, posted too early. I’m really pleased that this diagnosis is helping you make sense of your past. I’ve very little doubt that I have ADD but there’s not a chance in hell of being assessed at my age, 51. My three children all fit under various diagnosis, though only the youngest have been through the health service. Unfortunately my oldest was missed out because he was so ‘good’ at school. I now have a 30 year, lonely young man that struggles to fit in. He only got his first job 2 years ago and loves it, but was saying that some of the other staff (all older than him) started talking about their children and how it affected them. He felt as if they were letting him know that they had picked up on some of his ‘traits’ and were letting him know they understood. They really are a lovely bunch and it’s the first time I’ve seen a group accept him. The fact that someone has picked up on it and the other staff are making allowances still brings a tear to my eye.

That’s enough reason for an official diagnosis, as far as I’m concerned.

my son was diagnosed severe ADHD in AUgust. As a child, he would exercise really hard and this kept a lid on the worst of the hyperactivity.

WHen he got to 15, he decided parties were more his thing. His world crashed - he was excluded from school, got into trouble with police, we had social services at the door, drug abuse... EVeryone put it down to adolescence. SOmehow we managed to keep the family together until he finally realised, at 19, that he couldn't hold down a job and his life was floundering despite everyone else in his life making progress and having plans.

AT this point he agreed to see someone - we had to act quickly, as we had made him a number of appointments with counsellors in the previous 2 years and he refused to see them.

so - private diagnosis (£500), private consults, private prescriptions - (c. £200 a month) and we are just about getting to the point where he is on the right medication. Hes on minimum wage, so that's coming out of my pocket.

Id like to say its a game changer - in many respects it is. He has a job, he is being more sensible with money and, when he takes his pills, he is a more reasonable human being that I actually can get on with.

This weekend he was out partying from Thursday through Sunday and he did not take his meds. He has been irritable, uncooperative and an arse.

This is no quick fix. It needs careful monitoring and a commitment to be someone new. DS appreciated and accepted his diagnosis - except this weekend he wanted to "feel like himself". He wanted to be able to eat and sleep - the meds make this difficult. So he took the weekend off.

We are hoping to get to the point of "shared care" so that his meds can be through the NHS, which the GP has agreed in principle, but only when DS is signed off by the consultant onto shared care. Meanwhile bank of mum and dad are funding this.

Thank you, MustardScreams. My oldest boy’s doctor said they were referring him, but that was over three years ago! The waiting lists for NHS diagnosis here in (NI) is horrendous. Looks like I’m going to have to start putting money away for private diagnosis. Apparently it costs about £800 to start with.

I don't have a diagnosis OP just wanted to say solidarity. Like you my academic promise has always been held back by my poor coping/ social/ executive functioning skills and (in hindsight) periodic meltdowns. I'm 38 so slightly older than you and part of me thinks it's not really worth my gettinh a diagnosis at my age. Ds 6 has a dx and is quite high on the ASD scale and the help for him is minimal.

I can relate.

I think I have (Mild) PDA pathalogical demand avoidance. The weight of any normal expectation on me growing up was unbearable. Even/especially the things that supposedly everybody could do, no big deal.

I do have a job (now) but I have been unemployed for large swathes of my life. Despite job-hunting. I did terribly at school so I didn't go to university, I didn't get married to some great guy, I don't have a car. I felt like I hadn't achieved any of the so called normal minimum achievements of adulthood for so long, and yet there was nothing obviously wrong with me. I am not stupid, boring, dramatic...... It was a mystery to me.

For years I would read incoherent and inarticulate posts from people on line slagging off those on benefits and wonder how come they got to have a job and stand in judgement of me! I couldn't make it make sense.

Realising that I do have a touch of this PDA has helped me. I've looked back on things that happened in school and forgiven myself. It has helped. Definitely.

You have to also think about how you would feel if after assessment you are told that you don’t ADHD/ADD.

You need to prepare yourself for whatever outcome. Good luck

A DF of mine scraped through school barely, always believed he was stupid. Until someone else realised he was dyslexic. He got tested as an adult much to cries of what's the point now. Well the point is he knows he's not stupid anymore, and knows he struggles because of a reason. Helped him a lot.

@totallyfucked, would NI accept a diagnosis from an Irish child psychologist, I paid 580 euro for my son's diagnosis. He was already on the spectrum (diagnosed at nearly 3 by the HSE) and the assessment done by The children's clinic, child psychologist D Hartman. That was in preparation for my son starting secondary school. He doesn't require medication though. I see on their list they do have clinical psychologists as well. Dr Aileen O'Connor.

I was getting a bit nervous that the HSE hadn't got to my son and his start date at new secondary school was looming. They fitted me in fairly quickly (within months) and it was less than a third of the price you mentioned!

I'm a bit confused. You say you are going to push for an add diagnosis, but you havent actually had one?

Adhd not add

would NI accept a diagnosis from an Irish child psychologist,

I never even thought of that option! Thank you. We do have and agreement that certain treatments are available for patients from either side of the border so I will look into that. Thank you.

Be careful OP.

I went through the same euphoria 2 years ago when someone suggested I look at HFA after years of struggling. I'm mid 40s and have been to the docs on and off throughout my life and diagnosed with anxiety and/or depression.

Those DX never felt right. I have read as much as I could get my hands on regarding feelings and emotions and was never convinced that anxiety or depression was the core, the reason. Yes, they came about each time I broke with my struggles and frustrations but they were not the cause.

read about HFA and my brain went euphoric. This is me! 10/10 & 48/50 on AQ tests. So, so many traits, behaviours, core beliefs/rules. I was over the moon. At last I made sense to myself.

Requested via GP to be referred. Saw Talking Therapies first, was told I'm too complicated for them and referred to psych team. Saw psychiatric nurse, had two hours with her. She was very positive and in agreement. She spoke to her psych team and head psych, all agreed and referred me for ASD assessment.

NHS assessor said no. Just quirky and anxious. No self harm (diff for you obvs ), no suicide attempts, although twice signed off for a month as I wanted to. Managed to just about keep myself housed, fed, in employment. No, can't be ASD.

Devestated. Last appointment just over a year ago, I've heard nothing since despite her confirming I would receive a report with her findings. Can't even bring myself to chase it up as the whole thing makes me sick with despair.

She didn't like that I got upset because she was 20 mins late for first appointment. !!. Then she was 40 minutes late for the second. I was first appointment both times and had to drive 30 miles each way. I was early because I hate being late. She said she had read report from psych team and history but it was obvious she hadn't.

Be very careful with your hopes. If you can afford private go straight there.

I am hoping to save for private in the next few years but being self employed in a solitary role now due to the strain of other people/environments it is very, very tough.

I found the assessor cold, dismissive and condescending. But she said that because I could recognise and name emotions meant that I couldn't be on the spectrum (among other things). I even quoted a S. Baron-Cohen study on how AS can do this and she shrugged, rolled her eyes. She said that recognising emotions in others ruled out ASD. I work with animals and have taught myself to recognise micro expressions. People forget they are animals just the same. Tight eyebrows and mouths and tiny muscle twitches mean the same no matter what species you are.

Awful, awful, awful.

Sorry to rambly rant OP.

I wish you all the very best in every way. Good luck and I hope you find peace with yourself

@MNBellsMNBellsMNAllTheWay thats atrocious.
My son has an ASD diagnosis and he is really attuned to recognising emotions in others - he just doesnt naturally know how to respond to them appropriately, or 'feels' their emotions and gets distressed himself.

My sister and my partners friend have been diagnosed with ADHD as adults. They're getting the help and support they deserve. I'm really happy for you OP.

Yes NettleTea! You've hit the nail right on the head! I recognise in others but it makes me feel very turbulant and distressed.

I read in my twenties about channelling emotions through music. I had always done that since a very young age but didn't know why. Obsessively listening to whatever piece/song I felt could help over and over and over again until I was exhausted and 'reset'. It's the only way I have found to manage myself. Well, apart from avoiding people, noise, lights, etc as much as possible and that isn't conducive to 'living a normal life'.

DS has a very recent diagnosis of HFA. I had my suspicions, so to me it's a confirmation and mainly a relief. It changes everything and nothing. He is still exactly who he was a couple of weeks ago, but it clarifies how we can tweak life to make it easier to cope with flashpoints, and we understand why he has difficulties. My suprise was how prompt and decisive the diagnosis was after the initial waiting list as I was concerned that he masks too well.

He already had a dyspraxia and dyslexia diagnosis and was happier for knowing the nature of those difficulties. With my family history and many of my traits including organisation, sporting prowess (sarcastic) and auditory processing issues, I suspect that I may have dyspraxia too. Indeed once again, I'm stuck in the wormhole of MN instead of doing something that I actually want to do!

Since finding out about DS, I've been quite emotional. Mostly I'm positive about the confirmation of what I suspected. I've always done the best with what I've known at the time, and I certainly made errors without that knowledge when he just presented as a difficult young toddler. But I can't feel guilty about what I didn't know and what wouldn't have been picked up on at the time, and I was pro-active about issues like speech when nothing else was on the radar, and that's helped with the big picture today. What knowing helps us to do is to make better choices for his life (and getting more support from the system to achieve that). Long term, I'm confident for his future as long as he passes through the education system fairly unscathed.

I agree to advise caution here OP, for your own sake many things share traits and you currently do not have a medical diagnosis. Getting one may not be a walk in the park and a GP or psychologist may not agree at all.

Not suggesting you don't have what you say you have (nobody on here can or can't). Just wanted to say do look after yourself, this is obviously very loaded for you and it would be sensible to be prepared. Any GP will want to rule out many other things first, take consultation from a psychiatrist/psychologist who will make a diagnosis (or not), or even neurological causes. Have you considered therapy in the meantime to deal with the emotions associated with this?

Its good that you are feeling more positive, however, a word of caution.

You say , me & mum have done a fair bit of research and we are going to push for a diagnosis of ADHD/ADD on myself.

Does that just mean that you have googled extensively. Because that is not a diagnosis. And google is not a diagnostic tool. You may have ADHD, I don't know, and you don't either.

I'm not sure that having a label will make it alright. However, as someone waiting for a diagnosis of a (completely different) health issue for 2 years now, I do understand your frustration and need to know what it is.

Google may have guessed right, but do be prepared to listen to the experts too

You are so brave and have my full admiration.

I too absolutely know 100% that I have this.
I agree with you that if I had been a child of today it would have been picked up straight away.
As it was, I was just perceived to be weird/ shy by my peers and was bullied horrendously through high school (I still have the scar on my hand from being burnt with a hot metal rod in a science lesson).

As an adult it shows itself more in agoraphobia, although I try my hardest to step outside my comfort zone.

My brother had his ASD in adulthood, five years ago at the age of 37, but I just don't feel brave enough to take that step yet.

My eldest child (now 20) has very severe autism (completely non verbal and the mind of a baby).
My three younger children are fine.

It upsets me to talk about it, but I honestly think you are so brave and wish you all the very best.

• That should say my brother had his diagnosis in adulthood. He's had ASD all his life.

@MNBellsMNBellsMNAllTheWay

NHS assessor said no. Just quirky and anxious. No self harm (diff for you obvs flowers ), no suicide attempts, although twice signed off for a month as I wanted to. Managed to just about keep myself housed, fed, in employment. No, can't be ASD

That is so weird, none of those things are in the diagnostics for autism. Here they are.
From NAS "HOW WILL THEY DETERMINE THAT I AM AUTISTIC? www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx
The characteristics of autism vary from one person to another, but in order for a diagnosis to be made, a person will usually be assessed as having had persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction and restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests (this includes sensory behaviour), since early childhood, to the extent that these 'limit and impair everyday functioning
There are several 'diagnostic tools' available, and diagnosticians aren't obliged to use a specific tool. The tool is likely to involve a series of questions about your developmental history from when you were a young child (for example, about language, play and cognition)."

Someone upthread trotted out the "little bit autistic" misinformation that does so much damage to genuinely autistic people.
Being a little bit autistic is the same as being a little bit pregnant.
It's perfectly possible to have autistic traits, many people have, but unless they have affected someone since early childhood, to the extent that these 'limit and impair everyday functioning then the person who was told they have traits is absolutely NOT autistic in any way. they only have traits, in common with a lot of the non-autistic population. It's explained very well here, theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

I dont agree that 'a little bit autistic' is inaccurate or harmful. After my son was disgnosed I think a few members of my family felt things made sense. It is a spectrum so unlike pregnancy you can be a bit autistic (and these would be cases most likely to be undxd).
Pregnancy is a y or a no. Not a spectrum.

It's nice to see that people think ND conditions are picked up early in children these days and interventions are given, but sadly for all but the ones who show severe behavioural problems outside their home environment when they are overwhelmed, many who mask at school and have average or above academic ability still fly under the radar and school will not support parents in seeking a dx. Often a GP won't refer because school "see nothing".

Also, Neuro-Diverse conditions are lifelong and affect a person's daily living to a very large extent. They are diagnosed by medical professionals, often a team of medical professionals. Using the term "label" instead of medical diagnosis is very demeaning, inferring that a medical diagnosis of a Neuro-Diverse condition is as relevant as something you'd stick on a jar of jam.