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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I mean for not giving toddler a biscuit before bed?

57 replies

BiscuitGate · 08/12/2019 20:09

So a huge row has erupted here, I definitely overreacted as I always tend to, but will give a back story first.

Toddler was over excited after coming back from seeing Santa, and probably tired as well. All of tea time he was throwing his food, drinks, cutlery anything he could get his hands on, onto the floor. Cue bath time its the same, throwing everything at me because he wont get in then throwing things because he doesn't want to get out. I said to him he won't be able to have a biscuit before bed if he carries on. I go down and explain this to my mum and she then proceeds to tell me "you don't punish children by not feeding them".

Maybe I was a bit mean but AIBU in thinking that that is a really weird/harsh way of putting it? Like if my kids are naughty I starve them? I don't know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill

OP posts:
Original poster
BiscuitGate · 08/12/2019 20:12

As not to drip feed, he nearly always has one as part of his routine, its not usually a treat that's how i can see I was being a bit of a meany

OP posts:
MustardScreams · 08/12/2019 20:13

Well if you threaten something you have to carry it out or it just makes tantrums worse.

But yes I do agree with not using food as punishment.

ActualHornist · 08/12/2019 20:13

What you’re doing is saying ‘you don’t get a treat before bedtime if you don’t eat your dinner’ not that you won’t feed him.

I tell mine if they don’t eat their dinner they can have toast. I’m not going to let them go hungry but I’ll be damned if I’m going to make two dinners because someone had a strop (although mine are long past the toddler stage).

Depending on his age though, does it even make any difference to him?

Dorsetcamping · 08/12/2019 20:14

Pick your battles as my DM always told me!

CloudyVanilla · 08/12/2019 20:15

Aw if he was tired and hes very little I would have given the biscuit myself.

Your mum was OTT in her delivery but I have to slightly agree that non treat food deprivation is not a form of discipline I would use.

Hope you both feel better and can relax now, I have a 4 year old and 2 year old and am heavily pregnant and with christmas excitement and bad weather they are being utter nightmares at the moment!!

Thebig3 · 08/12/2019 20:15

Agree with pp not to use food as a punishment. How old is he? Would it have been better to say he wouldnt get a bedtime story if he didnt behave?

Ragwort · 08/12/2019 20:15

Not sure why you give a toddler a biscuit before bed TBH, I know that’s not what you asked but why do that? Is your toddler genuinely hungry or is it just a habit?

But if he misbehaves then it is fine to say ‘no biscuit’ if that helps to get the message about his behaviour through. No need for your mum to comment at all, nothing to do with her.

Iggly · 08/12/2019 20:16

Well yes you don’t give your child a biscuit for good behaviour - so I agree with your DM.

He’s a tired toddler who has lost control. Best thing is to put him to bed ASAP!

justagrumblebum · 08/12/2019 20:16

Why are you giving your toddler biscuits before bedtime? Mine would be off the wall if she had a biscuit!!
Sorry, not to be judgemental, just wondering!

Scarlettpixie · 08/12/2019 20:17

Ywbu. Never a good idea to use food as reward/punishment.

Also he is a toddler and he was acting up because he was tired. I would cut him some slack.

WellErrr · 08/12/2019 20:18

I don’t use food as punishments or rewards, however I do believe you should follow through on what you say.

But I definitely would be stopping the routine biscuits before bed.

delineateddelinquent · 08/12/2019 20:22

YANBU.

You’re not refusing to feed him which would be using food as a punishment. You didn’t give him a treat so he might think twice the next time.

Is it any wonder kids are as entitled as they are when adults are scared to say no to treats because they think it’s using food as a punishment and their children will end up scarred? 🙈

Pinkblueberry · 08/12/2019 20:24

YABU for giving him a biscuit before bedtime every night. What happened to simple milk and a story... how did that even come about? Confused

SimonJT · 08/12/2019 20:27

Why would you give a biscuit before bed anyway, it’s really not good for their teeth.

I personally never use food as punishment.

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/12/2019 20:27

If it's part of normal bedtime then I'd have given it.
The behaviour wasn't great but that's small kids and Christmas.
Tomorrow is another day.

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/12/2019 20:31

What on earth is wring with a biscuit before bed, so long as teeth are brushed after?Confused
Back in the 80's my brother and I got a chocolate biscuit, (Club/penguin/54321/trio etc), and a mug of milk for our supper every night.

SimonJT · 08/12/2019 20:33

@IHaveBrilloHair You shouldn’t brush your teeth for 30 minutes after eating, that would be a very long bedtime to wait for 30 minutes after every bedtime biscuit!

doritosdip · 08/12/2019 20:37

tbh I would have skipped his bath and put him into bed as soon as possible. When they get overtired they probably can't hear any words that you say never mind process them.

JennyBlueWren · 08/12/2019 20:37

Although I wouldn't give them a biscuit at bedtime I do use bedtime routine as a consequence for behaviour. If DS is being difficult at bedtime I question whether we'll have time for three stories or maybe itll have to be two quick stories? Have occasionally had to go through with it but it is difficult when it upsets him.

Original poster
BiscuitGate · 08/12/2019 20:53

Thanks everyone for commenting Smile he usually has half a rich tea finger type biscuit to go with his milk. Im just feeling like a shitty parent constantly and always feel alot of guilt. Mainly to do wuth personal circumstances to do with my own background, health and relationship breakdown. Thats a whole other thread though and i don't want to drip feed. Again thanks to those who commented x

OP posts:
Pinkblueberry · 08/12/2019 21:02

I don’t think using food as such is bad as a punishment as long as it’s a treat food so I disagree with your DM. But if it’s part of his bed routine then I wouldn’t - just like I wouldn’t not do DS’s story even if he was being a horrible pain, it’ll just cause more confusion and upset and there’s something sacred (for want of a better word) about those things I think because they need that comfort before bed. I wouldn’t feel guilty about it though, he’ll get over it. It’s not always easy to know what the right thing to do is when they’re in the middle of a tantrum. We learn as we go along.

Original poster
BiscuitGate · 08/12/2019 21:14

pinkblueberry Thank you, may not seem it but your words made me feel better
For what its worth he did have a biscuit. Tomorrow is a new day i guess and I always value advice and knowledge to help me learn.

OP posts:
HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 08/12/2019 21:20

I agree it’s not wise to use food as either a punishment or a reward so not something I would have done.

Regardless of that, it’s an odd punishment for a presumably small child who won’t be able to make the connection between “you three your cutlery/toys etc so no biscuit at bedtime which may be a good joy or two in the future”
Punishments need to happen in the moment and be relevant or he will just think you’re being mean for the sake of it so “you threw that toy so it’s going away now” is a better consequence for his actions and one he can better understand.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 08/12/2019 21:21

Argh awful spelling, sorry, should read “you threw your cutlery/toys etc so no biscuit at bedtime which may be a good hour or two in the future”

snowybaubles · 08/12/2019 21:23

You are never going to calm a toddler down by attempting to reason with them over a biscuit.