Am I mean for not giving toddler a biscuit before bed?

[BiscuitGate]

So a huge row has erupted here, I definitely overreacted as I always tend to, but will give a back story first.

Toddler was over excited after coming back from seeing Santa, and probably tired as well. All of tea time he was throwing his food, drinks, cutlery anything he could get his hands on, onto the floor. Cue bath time its the same, throwing everything at me because he wont get in then throwing things because he doesn't want to get out. I said to him he won't be able to have a biscuit before bed if he carries on. I go down and explain this to my mum and she then proceeds to tell me "you don't punish children by not feeding them".

Maybe I was a bit mean but AIBU in thinking that that is a really weird/harsh way of putting it? Like if my kids are naughty I starve them? I don't know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill

@holymilk thank you, that makes sense to me. I feel hopelessly clueless and today I've just been so mentally and physically drained from working all weekend and I couldn't think what to do or what to say.

Stop equating fairly normal parenting fails with being a bad parent. We all do things that in hindsight aren't the greatest, we all do half-arsed stuff, and break rules.

DD had a dummy, reins, a bottle until older, has too many screens and a whole lot of other stuff. I'm a good mum. And she's a fantastic kid.

Knock the biscuit on the head, make a note not to use food as a reward or punishment in future and try to avoid guilt. It's counterproductive.

These replies have just made me realise even more how I have no idea what I'm doing . Im so scared Im doing it all wrong and I'll mess him up some how. He's the happiest funniest loveliest little boy ever

FGS. Do you beat him, belittle him, lock him in a cupboard, make him eat from the floor, use drugs in front of him? No? Then read a couple of parenting books, pick the bits that work for you and muddle through. All this angst! He'll be fine.

Please dont worry! As a pp said no one is perfect and does everything right all the time. Apparently it's not even desirable on children's psychological development to be faultless all the time :)

Font upset yourself over a biscuit honestly

@BiscuitGate No one knows what they’re doing, you just wing it and they generally survive.

Aw. No one gives you a book. We are all feeling our way through. Don’t be so hard on yourself x

Or do whatever MrsTerryPratchett tells you. She’s usually right, ime.

But yeah, you’re doing just fine by the sound of it. As long as he knows you love him and you’re not beating him or stuffing him with chocolate and crisps all day, you’re grand. No one gets it perfectly right, but if they did, they’d just end up with a child who couldn’t deal with the trials and tribulations of real life!

Thanks again everyone! I don't typically get this emotional over a biscuit i promise

When your child is doing something that you think is naughty, it's worth considering whether they could be hungry, thirsty, tired or in pain. It sounds so obvious, but it's easy to lose sight of when you're dealing with a tantrum.

One good reason not to use food as either a reward or a punishment is that following through on a punishment where you've threatened to take away food is only likely to make behaviour worse if the child is used to having food at that moment. You compound the original naughtiness by then having to deal with bad behaviour caused by disappointment and potentially hunger / low blood sugar too.

Where I can, I tried to make the sanction flow from the original naughty behaviour. So if a child was using bath toys to Splashwater, after a verbal warning, I'd remove the most interesting of the bath toys to a higher shelf and say that because the child is making a mess with them, they need to go away for the evening. No need to turn it into a huge drama but it's a disincentive. If a child was making a song and dance about picking up toys, it's often more effective to say that the time they've taken to do that job means there is less time for you to sit and colouring with them, or read them an additional bedtime story, or whatever.

I have a 17 month old and honestly, I have no clue what I’m doing but I would have just given the biscuit because messing with routine can cause havocs for us! I try to be laidback when it comes to food. Keeps the peace and we all get a decent nights sleep.

Parenting is so hard and it’s easy to question everything. I never know whether what I’ve done is the right thing but I think it’s best to stick to a decision then own it. Like you said, tomorrow is a new day.

Keep the biscuit, absolutely nothing wrong with a biscuit at bedtime.

It's a one off. He isnt going to have an eating disorder over food being used as a "punishment" once.
I agree with others that it's best to make rewards or punishments happen as soon as possible after a behaviour, so that they can see the consequences. A few hours later they will have forgotten why they are being punished. But doing it wrong is OK, everyone gets things wrong sometimes and now you know for next time.

@Pinkblueberry but why do you give milk at bedtime? A toddler who is fully weaned doesn’t need it.

@ActualHornist mine don’t, they have theirs in the morning (although I don’t know what drinking a glass of milk has to do with being fully weaned, older children and adults drink milk too ) but I know it’s a comforting part of a bedtime routine for others. It’s certainly more common place than a biscuit... to me that’s as bizarre as a packet of crisps or slice of cake before bed. It’s just not really a bed time snack imo, wheras milk is hydrating and comforting and even some adults find it quite calming (I can’t say for myself - I don’t actually quite like milk on it’s own...) But I see from the comments above that it’s what some like to do... each to their own. I suppose I can’t really begrudge anyone a biscuit

It was just a comment from earlier in the thread where you said the toddler doesn’t ‘need’ a biscuit. They don’t ‘need’ milk either!

Don't be too hard on yourself op! If your a bad parent then so am I as I give a full biscuit before bed! A full rich tea biscuit... Shock horror!

Actualhornist

If we followed a biological pattern of weaning babies would typically be breastfed until around 3 or 4.

Most people continue to give cows milk morning and night until around this age, when you often find they no longer want it off their own accord.

Milk is good source of calcium, fat & protein, and contains sleep inducing tryptophans, so its a generally considered a good idea to give a cup in the evening.

I just knew some people would jump on the fact that you regularly give a biscuit before bed! I do it myself sometimes, hardly the crime of the century.

Don't beat yourself up, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We are all just muddling through. You sound thoughtful and kind, I wouldn't worry.

I'd suggest scrapping the bedtime biscuit all together.

But other than that, no, yanbu for refusing a biscuit if he has misbehaved. As long as he was offered an evening meal then it's fine.

Lol at the parents who are shocked at the idea of a toddler eating a biscuit. Especially the one who said her child would be off the wall if he ate one!
My toddler refuses to eat anything but yogurts, wotsits and apples so anything she eats before bed is a bonus....meaning maybe she won't wake up hungry after 2 hours.
A plain biscuit sounds like a great snack for a toddler before bed.

@Jamhandprints I know! It’s hilarious. A BISCUIT!! Before bed?!! Pass the smelling salts!

There’s probably more sugar in a piece of toast than half a rich tea, sure no one would blink an eye at that before bed.

I sort of get why a regular bedtime biscuit might not be seen as totally ideal (though half a rich tea isn’t going to do any harm) but WTF is wrong with toddlers having cows’ milk? I’ve seen it all now

Why was your toddler throwing things?
Anyway, no you aren’t being unreasonable. Biscuits aren’t food so withholding a biscuit isn’t “starving” your child. If they were hungry, they would have eaten the food.