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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to son's party?

56 replies

HelpIcantfindaname · 08/12/2019 17:15

So DS30 has asked me a "massive" favour. It's his birthday weekend before Christmas, he has asked me to go & stay at my boyfriends (DD11 will be at her dad's that weekend) so he can have a couple of friends here ....but then adds there will be fewer than 10 people!!!
That's a party!
He doesn't live with me, he lives with my parents nearby.
I appreciate it's really hard for him not having his own place to invite people to....but.....
It's right before Xmas....what if they make a mess ...what if tree or decs get spoiled....what if someone leaves door open & theif gets in & steals pressies?
What if kitten, hes promised to look after, escapes?
He might be sensible but friends might not be. He doesn't drink.
I know it will greatly upset him if I say no, & I dont want another fall out...(hes always felt hard done by as his older sisters had 18ths & he didn't. He didnt have live here then & didn't ask for a party. He has ASD & can find it difficult to see others points of view.)
If he lived here still I'd probs let him....although still have all the above reservations.
He's had friends here when I've been away in the summer before (he was living here then) & it's been ok, but right before Christmas just seems a bit much.

OP posts:
ifpossible · 08/12/2019 17:19

A definite NO.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/12/2019 17:19

I think he is being a bit cheeky. If he wants to host a party he needs his own place.

Lamentations · 08/12/2019 17:21

Yes but compromise by staying up in your room rather than going out for the night.

purplemunkey · 08/12/2019 17:21

Am I reading that right, he’s 30? Get his own bloody place! Or hire an area/function room in a bar.

purplemunkey · 08/12/2019 17:22

Ahh - sorry, didn’t read to the end. My sincere apologies. I’d still say no though.

DeathStare · 08/12/2019 17:23

The concerns you have about him make him sound really immature. Most people would have those sort of worries about their 18 year old having a party, not their 30 year old.

Then again the fact that he's 30 and is asking his mum to borrow her house for a party also sounds really immature. Can he not just go to a pub or restaurant? Or if he wants a party could he not hire a function room somewhere?

If he is really that immature I wouldn't say yes

StrayWoman · 08/12/2019 17:23

He's 30?!

Why does he live with your DP?

Fuck no!

Zogtastic · 08/12/2019 17:24

I’d definitely signpost him in the direction of the local pub or a village hall he can hire out!

Clymene · 08/12/2019 17:24

When I turned 30 I hired a room at a pub. And I did it 2 months after my birthday because my birthday is just before Christmas.

Apart from anything else, I would absolutely not have a load of potentially drunk people in your house if you have a kitten

MzPumpkinPie · 08/12/2019 17:24

Why can't they all just go to a pub for his birthday or out to eat ?
Doesn't have to be expensive.
Even a weatherspoons or Nando's or a Chinese buffet.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 08/12/2019 17:25

No, he can easily hire one of those party room things at a hotel in the big cities if he wants a get together with mates.
No way I'd allow it at my house whatever their age.

Cryalot2 · 08/12/2019 17:25

Can you compromise and let him have one on a date that does suit or have some thing. Explain the date makes it a no , but suggest an alternative.
It is never easy being a mum.

NailsNeedDoing · 08/12/2019 17:28

He can’t help that his birthday is right before Christmas, so if you’d say yes at a different time of year then I can see why it would upset him if you said no now. He’s 30, presumably his friends will be roughly the same age so old enough not to be silly. I’d let him.

Ginfordinner · 08/12/2019 17:29

Could you let him have his friends round, but stay upstairs?
We have been doing this for a number of years for DD since she was about 16. She is 19 now.

Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 08/12/2019 17:29

Thanks for advice.
Yeah, he can be immature....but that's largely the aspergers....which is also the reason he lives with my parents. Hes had his own place a couple of times, but it has never worked out. Hes doing a degree & not working, so money is tight for him. He has massive social anxiety so working is difficult. His friends are a bit younger than him.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 08/12/2019 17:30

But yeah, my gut feeling is No. And you have helped with that, thank you.

OP posts:
DisgruntledGuineaPig · 08/12/2019 17:31

YANBU - he is 30, he's too old to throw a party while he's mum's away!

Is there a reason he's not living independantly?

I'd suggest he reserves some space at a nice pub, pays for nibbles and a few bottles for his friends.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 08/12/2019 17:32

oh masively X posted!

Stick with no.

If you felt like being lovely, could you put some money on a tab for friends for a few drinks at a local pub?

MinervaSaidThat · 08/12/2019 17:32

A grown adult shouldn't be sulking about his 18th, if he wanted a party he should have organised one.

He can have drinks at a bar.

Serin · 08/12/2019 17:33

What are they going to be doing?
If its gaming then they cant do that round the pub very easily.
I would say yes but then mine are young adults and they have sleepovers and parties regularly.
Nothing has ever been broken/stolen.

SnorkMaiden81 · 08/12/2019 17:36

I think your compromise of saying yes, but stating we'll out of the way might be useful.

Could there be a girl he wants to get close to, privately?

Confusedbeetle · 08/12/2019 17:37

Hire a room in a pub

Wellmet · 08/12/2019 17:37

Why don't you throw him a party? Invite the ten friends he mentioned plus family members and have drinks and nibbles at home. That way it won't turn into something you don't approve of.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 08/12/2019 17:49

30yr old shouldn't be partying in your house imo.Wtf?!

Lysianthus · 08/12/2019 17:49

I agree with @Wellmet. You said he was asking for a massive favour which implies he knows it’s a big ask. He probably anticipates that some of his mates might get out of hand, so perhaps a bigger gathering which includes you, DP and other adults he knows well might be the compromise you can all live with.