To say no to son's party?

[HelpIcantfindaname]

So DS30 has asked me a "massive" favour. It's his birthday weekend before Christmas, he has asked me to go & stay at my boyfriends (DD11 will be at her dad's that weekend) so he can have a couple of friends here ....but then adds there will be fewer than 10 people!!!
That's a party!
He doesn't live with me, he lives with my parents nearby.
I appreciate it's really hard for him not having his own place to invite people to....but.....
It's right before Xmas....what if they make a mess ...what if tree or decs get spoiled....what if someone leaves door open & theif gets in & steals pressies?
What if kitten, hes promised to look after, escapes?
He might be sensible but friends might not be. He doesn't drink.
I know it will greatly upset him if I say no, & I dont want another fall out...(hes always felt hard done by as his older sisters had 18ths & he didn't. He didnt have live here then & didn't ask for a party. He has ASD & can find it difficult to see others points of view.)
If he lived here still I'd probs let him....although still have all the above reservations.
He's had friends here when I've been away in the summer before (he was living here then) & it's been ok, but right before Christmas just seems a bit much.

I'd have no problem with it unless he has done something in the past to prove he really can't be trusted. The fact he has Aspergers and you said he has social anxiety I think it is pretty amazing he even wants a party. If I really didn't trust him or his friends then I would pay for them to have a get together outside of the home. Maybe just hang about nearby incase it goes awry. He probably doesn't want to ask his grandparents because I imagine they are quite elderly. Bit unfair of people to slate him living with your parents at 30 as a lot of single men still do have to live with family and more so if they have a mental health problem, learning difficulty etc.

A lot of people either not reading properly or not understanding! Could someone else be there to monitor things? Your older DD? How would you feel if you said no to him? I think the PPs idea of local pub might work. How much supervision does he need? Xx

Tell him he can do it for his 40th!

Hes doing a degree & not working, so money is tight for him

Then he can’t afford a party.

No. It’s YOUR home, he doesn’t get to try and blackmail you with “another fallout” if you don’t bend to his whims.

No I don't think so. Why can't you be there for his party? And just stay mostly out of the way? Or yes as pp have suggested, book a room somewhere although this may be difficult so close to Christmas.

There is no reason you need to be out the house for the night if it is just a quiet gathering... I'd suggest friends may have other ideas about the party than your son does and he probably anticipates this. Is there an alternative you can suggest to him that may suit him eg a local pool hall or something that may be quieter and less overwhelming than a local pub? It would still allow all the aspects of his friends meeting up etc, less stressful than a packed pub but mean you are not stressed about house. You could also suggest some pre-drinks at yours before going and you'll stay out the way and watch TV in your room for an hour or something?