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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want sex and be allowed to say so

83 replies

Carpetness · 08/12/2019 11:44

So my mum died last week. Had a long drawn out battle with a brain tumor so it's been understandably shit.
Haven't been intimate with my partner for ages. Last night he tried to initiate it and I said I didn't want to. Said I'd just lost my mum so was preoccupied. Then this morning tried to initiate it again. Again said no.
His response " do you want to have sex ever again?!"
His sex drive is high (always has been and mine never has). He just keeps saying " I need to ejaculate". What the hell!! I feel bad that I never want it but am I being unreasonable to want it even less when he's going on like this. I think I feel bad as I never have initiated it really so he probably feels rejected. And when he feels sad having sex makes him feel better but I'm the opposite.
Just need to put this somewhere

OP posts:

StreetwiseHercules · 08/12/2019 11:47

Of course it is ok to not want sex and to say so, especially when dealing with grief. Your OH is being very insensitive.

If it is more of a general pattern, then YABU. If you don’t like sex, you shouldn’t have cultivated an adult relationship with someone who does.

Bluebutterfly90 · 08/12/2019 11:48

Wow.
No, you're not being unreasonable. He doesn't 'need' to ejaculate, he wants to. And he can do that by himself if he's so desperate.
There's nothing less sexy than being pestered for sex.
Personally, I'd tell him it's off the table until you initiate it because of the pressure he's putting you under. You just lost your mum!
That's not how a loving partner acts.

BitOfFun · 08/12/2019 11:49

So he basically wants to empty his balls in you when you've just been bereaved and have already said no? It wouldn't do much for my ladyboner, that's for sure.

EssentialHummus · 08/12/2019 11:49

That's not how a loving partner acts.

This!

I'm very sorry for your loss op. He is being hugely insensitive. You've just lost your mum, you're understandably not in the mood, he needs to back right off. And I'm sure he's aware he can ejaculate without your intervention.

ysmaem · 08/12/2019 11:50

YANBU. Sex would be the last thing on my mind too after loosing my mother. If he's that desperate to ejaculate then remind him that he can masturbate and tell him to leave you the hell alone. So sorry for your loss OP and sorry to hear you're not getting good support from your DP.

JacquesHammer · 08/12/2019 11:51

He’s revolting OP.

You are allowed to say no to sex at any time for any reason.

sorry for your loss

ActualHornist · 08/12/2019 11:52

Wow. What an insensitive prick.

It’s totally fine to not want sex and while it’s also totally fine that he does want it, he has a hand he can take care of his immediate need. He should be supporting you in your grief and allowing you time to heal.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Frenchw1fe · 08/12/2019 11:52

No means no.
Perhaps have a conversation along the lines of
‘ I know sexual intimacy is important to you but presently I do not feel that I want to have sex. Pressuring me to have sex is not only wrong but also counter productive as it makes me feel less inclined to engage in any sort of intimacy. Please be supportive in other ways. ‘

GinDaddy · 08/12/2019 11:53

"I need to ejaculate" is just ghastly, I'm sorry @Carpetness that's just no way for anyone to carry on. Women are not receptacles to aid men's relief! My word. But especially considering the deep sadness you're going through.

I think longer term, I always would hold concern if one partner had completely switched off sex. I know there seem to be a fair few posters on here who go "I'd rather have a chocolate biccie and a book, forget his dirty hands pawing me" etc, but you have to say that in the absolutely certainty that your other half feels the same and won't want it again until you will. If he/she does, and considers it important, then there could be rocky patches ahead or even the relationship at risk, I guess.

In any case this is not your situation. You are entitled to grieve, and even if you weren't grieving, you're entitled not to have someone make you feel uncomfortable, and justify their desire for you under the proviso of their need to release bodily fluid.

YANBU!!

Livelovebehappy · 08/12/2019 11:53

It’s really selfish of him, and he is putting added pressure on you when you’re already going through a crap time. And btw, you don’t even need an excuse. If you don’t feel like it, then you don’t feel like it. It’s not his ‘right’ just to satisfy his own needs.

Thehop · 08/12/2019 11:55

He’s being a selfish arse. You’re not a wank sock.

Tell him to go sort himself out. “I need to ejaculate” indeed. Prick.

BarbedBloom · 08/12/2019 11:56

Him pestering you is not okay obviously, but I did note you said you haven't had sex for ages. How long is that? It is totally unacceptable the way he is approaching this but it does sound like there needs to be a conversation at some point as neither of you are happy. It sounds like you have mismatched sex drives which has been the end of many relationships.

He needs to back the hell off at present, but at some point you will maybe need to have a difficult conversation

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/12/2019 11:56

I need to ejaculate
My response to that would be, 'I need to vomit'

ReanimatedSGB · 08/12/2019 11:58

He is being very selfish and unkind. Right now, when you are grieving for your mum, he should be putting your feelings and needs way ahead of his own.
It's honestly worth thinking about whether you want to stay in a relationship with a man so obsessed with his own penis. While it can be difficult to find a balance in a relationship where the partners have very different sex drives, it's possible when they both care about each other and are willing to talk and compromise. But a man who treats a woman as an object for his convenience, and doesn't care whether she wants to have sex - or whether the sex they have is enjoyable for her - is really not worth bothering with.

dontalltalkatonce · 08/12/2019 11:59

'Ages' is probably a week with people like this. I had a boyfriend like this. At first I found it flattering, thought he was so into me, then realised he was just a horndog.

questions10000 · 08/12/2019 12:04

“I need to ejaculate”.

Just gross. Does he have any idea how gross it is?

elmosducks · 08/12/2019 12:09

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I have a high sex drive but would never ever behave like this with my DH, especially under your circumstances.

When was the last time he held your hand or cuddled you with no intention?

I need to ejaculate- TWAT.

Daffodil55 · 08/12/2019 12:11

Horrible way to put it (I need to ejaculate) and just shows he is totally selfish. You are not preventing him from ejaculating, just not letting him do it inside your body!

He may be hinting that he gets more pleasure emptying his balls if it is with your naked body but that is just tough.

I wold be pleased to read his attitude changes for the better but not holding out much hope here.

Nomorepies · 08/12/2019 12:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

TammyKat · 08/12/2019 12:14

YADNBU, especially given the circumstances

Persipan · 08/12/2019 12:16

If he 'needs' to ejaculate that much, he can try having a wank.

category12 · 08/12/2019 12:17

Tell him have a wank and give his head a wobble.

Is he always such a demanding insensitive asshole?

AgeLikeWine · 08/12/2019 12:18

YANBU at all. You have the absolute right to say no to sex if you don’t want it. He must respect your wishes. Full stop.

But.....

You say you haven’t had sex ‘for ages’. How long is ages? Weeks? Months? Longer? If so, he has the right to decide that he no longer wants to stay in a sexless relationship. You need to talk to one another to resolve this issue one way or another. Good luck.

Besidesthepoint · 08/12/2019 12:20

I need to ejaculate

Are you bloody serious? He doesn't give a fuck about you, you are just his wanking material?!?! Why are you with this man? He wants you to let him have sex with you against your wishes, that is rape. He is a rapist.

Baboomtsk · 08/12/2019 12:20

Not unreasonable of you at all. Your husband is obviously frustrated though as it's been a long time.

He is being incredibly insensitive to lose sight of what you're going through at the moment though.

The key here is obviously communication. His question 'do you want to have sex ever again?!' may seem over the top but sounds like an honest reflection of his frustration and concerns.

Given that you are currently grieving the loss of your mother, I think that a perfectly reasonable answer from you is that it's you aren't able to deal with that question at the moment. I do think thought that it would be helpful if you could acknowledge that he has needs that aren't being met and that this is a situation that will need to be addressed or discussed in the future given that there seems to be a longer term mismatch in sex drives.

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