To not want sex and be allowed to say so

[Carpetness]

So my mum died last week. Had a long drawn out battle with a brain tumor so it's been understandably shit.
Haven't been intimate with my partner for ages. Last night he tried to initiate it and I said I didn't want to. Said I'd just lost my mum so was preoccupied. Then this morning tried to initiate it again. Again said no.
His response " do you want to have sex ever again?!"
His sex drive is high (always has been and mine never has). He just keeps saying " I need to ejaculate". What the hell!! I feel bad that I never want it but am I being unreasonable to want it even less when he's going on like this. I think I feel bad as I never have initiated it really so he probably feels rejected. And when he feels sad having sex makes him feel better but I'm the opposite.
Just need to put this somewhere

@RhinoskinhaveI

'I need to ejaculate...'

My response to that would be, 'I need to vomit'

PMSL at this. Brilliant.

@Carpetness As everyone else has said, your partner is being TOTALLY unreasonable - in fact he is a tool of the highest order.

Being pestered for sex is just repugnant. My ex used to pester me, by rubbing himself up against me like a dog when he felt horny, or grabbing me and throwing me down on the bed, or pinning me up against the wall and grinding against me, or grabbing my breasts and squeezing and pinching them ...

He thought it was sexy and would 'turn me on.' It fucking DIDN'T!

I literally had to peel him off me and push him away, and would just glare at him. I SHUDDER now when I think about it.

Your partner sounds just as bad, and you deserve better. He sounds awful!

I am very sorry to hear about your mother. After losing a child, the loss of your mother is the hardest loss to bear. (IMO.)

What the fuck is wrong with him? At this time he is being ridiculous.

FFS. His words are just gross. You're not a spunk dumpster. If he can't be supportive when you are grieving like this you're better off without him.

Tell him to go for a wank then the stupid twat! Sorry for your loss OP.

OP this man is foul on so many levels. You would be better off out of that I think.

So totally wrong of him to be like this at the moment. He should be helpi g you with your grief.

How long is ages? If it is genuinely ages then whilst it in no way excuses his behaviour it will explain his frustration.

Fucksake, can he not just have a wank?

Yeuch I'd hate a man like that, "I need to ejaculate", indeed. He doesn't need to, he wants to. Why would he want to if there is nothing in it for you?

I think I'd sleep in another room for a while.

How disgusting, I do wonder if he considers you at all. Does he actually have any respect at all for you or does he just see you as a dishwasher or wank sock.
When was the last time he got you a nice gift, flowers, took you out for an unconditional date.
Sadly I had one of these, treated me like a maid, wanted sex on demand, I worked and paid all the bills, he did nothing.
Not suprisingly sex was off the table as I cannot have sex with a man I have no respect for.
It's much better on my own, I can't deal with a man like that.
I'd reconsider your relationship and you should be thinking along the lines of "being allowed" to do anything. No is no, no discussion.
To do this right after your mothers death is appalling, I wouldn't dream of it.

Are you bloody serious? He doesn't give a fuck about you, you are just his wanking material?!?! Why are you with this man? He wants you to let him have sex with you against your wishes, that is rape. He is a rapist.

This does not make him a rapist for god sake! If he took her by force then yes that is rape but has that happened or been suggested?

Women may give in for a peaceful day/life etc but that does not make it rape.

You never have to agree to sex you dont want, ever.

Sorry for your loss. and for also having such an insensitive knobhead of a 'partner'.

Yeah calling him a rapist is a bit off. A bloody sex pest yes, but a rapist, no.

He just keeps saying " I need to ejaculate"

So sex isn’t an act of love for him then. You are just his wank sock.

And yes, trying to coerce a woman who has said no into having sex sounds a lot like rape to me. Rape isn’t always violent.

He just keeps saying " I need to ejaculate"

Phwoar! What an amazing turn-on for a grieving woman, how on earth did you manage to resist Prince Charming?

And what on earth is his need to ejaculate to do with you? Can he not manage it all on his little own?

What he said was out of order but calling him a rapist is ridiculous. Sounds like the problem is far more deep seated though.

I'd hand him a jar of vaseline and a box of tissues (or a wank sock)!

He just keeps saying " I need to ejaculate"

What's stopping him? Is he a double amputee?

If on the average day - not when you are grieving - sex doesn't make you feel better then its possible you are having sex with the wrong person. Sex should leave you feeling good.

Imagine that classic love scene in a movie. Our leading man kisses the leading woman, strokes her cheek and whispers that famous romantic line “I need to ejaculate”.......CUT!

It’s your body, it belongs to you and if you don’t want a penis in it it’s your right.

I’m so sorry about your mum. I hope you have other family support.

If he "need[s] to ejaculate" so badly, tell him to sort himself out. Then he'll be a wanker in both senses of the word.

Buy him a blow up doll!
What a bastard, so sorry for your loss xx

You are not being unreasonable not to want sex on any individual occasion, and to say so.

However, it does sound like your sex drives are fairly mismatched long-term, and if that's a wider issue (outside of your recent bereavement), he would not be unreasonable to look for a relationship with somebody more compatible.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

My grandparents bought me up so when I lost both of them in their 60s to cancer it hit me hard

DH was beyond understanding around my grieving and I honestly don't think we were intimate for at least 3/4 months after each of them passed away and not once did he complain.

We still were intimate, cuddles and kisses etc but I just didn't feel like I could be in the mood for it when I was so overwhelmed with complete sadness and grief.

Your partner isn't being supportive and in my opinion, acting selfish and childish.

Put yourself first and tell him to sort himself out!

A sharp kick in the balls may help him reassess his immediate ejaculation goals OP.

What a revolting little creep he is. Why ARE you still with him?

Longer term, maybe you are just not sexually compatible. That might be to do with you having a lower sex drive ... how long do you feel there has been a mis-match?
Conversely, maybe his sex pest manner is what has put you off over the past however-long-it's-been that you have felt reluctance.
Do you live together? Have kids? How far invested are you in the relationship, & how easily could you remove yourself from it?

If you cannot foresee getting back on an even keelnwhere EACH of you is both satisfied & comfortable with the frequency of sex, you are way better off leaving him.

Frankly I'd have dumped him as soon as he made the remarkable ejaculation comment. Sadly, you are grieving & no doubt still reeling from his callous disregard ... but I am concerned by your thread title. Did your worry about being "allowed" agency & control over your own body begin with this specific relationship ... or did it start prior to it?

Either way, to help you process your grief, & also focus on your own autonomy & self-esteem, please consider finding a counsellor who will help you uncover the factors underlying your current relationship difficulties.

I am so sorry about your mum, & hope that the happy memories soon outweigh the inevitable loss & sorrow.

Re, your more general concern. Men have, on average, much higher sex drives than women. So if your sex drive is low (for a woman) and his is high (for a man) that could certainly become very problematic. Probably something you will have to address at some point.